is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Sorry, I've just realised. I can also email national helpline and hopefully get help to find a refuge through them. In the very unlikely event that I'm referred to this marac meeting, if there's someone who might be familiar with me but not in a professional sense (so acquaintance, neighbour, ex-colleague, etc), what would happen? I'm almost certain I'm worrying for nothing as I think I'm a lower risk and as long as I leave (after doing any risk assessment) there wouldn't be a need for a meeting anyhow.

Separately, I did another bin today! Tiny achievement but I'm trying to keep getting air. I may try to get to the charity shop tomorrow to drop off old clothes. I'm trying to declutter to help with any leaving plan. It's a longer walk (than just the corner shop).

Plantlife Have you any reasonable or realistic expectation of encountering anyone you know? You’re getting carried away with neurotic paranoia and looking for reasons not to act again.

I find it rather worrying that you keep insisting you want to leave for us. That’s not a reason for you to leave and its certainly not a reason you will leave. Until you resile yourself to taking risks and being brave you’re going to keep on in the same endless circles. You won’t do this for anyone else. It’s a massive thing and the only thing that will kick you into action is your own sense of self preservation. At the moment your still obstacle creating and excuse making. It’s only when you get it straight in your own head and start getting realistic will you actually put one foot in front of the other and act. I do hope for your sake that he doesn’t kill or seriously harmed you before that happens. Unfortunately there’s no guarantees, because you’re already on notice.

Just as an aside, the amount of women murdered because of domestic abuse and stalking is at a 14 year high. Every 36 hours a woman is killed by her current or former intimate male partner. I wouldn’t be fancying my chances given that statistic if I were you. It’s not even a rarity you’re gambling on, and he’s already got his defence strategy all lined up.

Wouldn't they just explain that they know/know of you, and then they would not be allowed to work on your case?

I have a social worker, due to disability and some other things (very personal, and outing); I have an acquaintance who is a social worker in my area and under normal circumstances she would likely be one of my case workers. In the whole 15 years I've lived her I have never seen or spoken to her in her professional capacity. Knowing how understaffed they are, I had fully expected her to have to deal with me at least once, but it has never happened. I have always assumed that this is deliberate, and everyone is aware that we have a kind of relationship outside and that she is simply not considered when my case comes up.

I think if it did happen, you could say that you 'know' this person and they will be taken off your case.

I know it's not good enough to say sorry and then not take action to change my situation, but I am so sorry for upsetting and worrying you. I know you've had such an awful time yourself. You've been so strong and I really hope things get better for you. Please don't worry about me. You're right I'm being neurotic. I've found out a neighbour works for children's services and attends maracs. But I'm not the highest risk so it's an irrelevant worry. Two local services (a london-wide helpline, and my local WA) told me I'm not highest risk. Surely it's better to stay with him slightly longer and work on my physical health rather than leave now and risk longer term homelessness and/or unsafe housing, possibly sharing facilities with other people's abusers? If I was the highest risk, I know I'd have less time.

I looked up my local one. It has to be things in the past three months. He hasn't physically harmed me recently. A few very mild things that left no marks but really he's been mainly nice. I'm not going to give up on trying to sort out my situation but I'm trying to balance the risks. I have the choice of one bad situation or another. I remember being truly suicidal in some of my old bedsit type places. I didn't want to go home from work or the university library. I even stayed in hotels a few times. There were people hanging around those places who were pretty dodgy and scary. Actually I was ok with that at the time. I hung out with them. I was young and physically healthy (so didn't feel vulnerable) and confident. Now, I feel more scared. I'm not as young as I sound. I've regressed with him. I'll probably start perimenopause soon. I'm at a stage of life where I need to feel safe and settled.

I don't feel I have the strength to go through homelessness and bad housing again. I've had to do it more than once already. Nothing that happens with him has ever been as bad as the bad housing I experienced. The worse thing ever in my life was being turned away from the council when bailiffs were due to evict me. It was more frightening than anything he's ever done to me. I felt utterly alone and helpless. I realised I'd have no basic essentials. Bathroom, safe warm place to sleep. I had to go to my parents. They weren't violent anymore but it was still the most awful, abusive environment. It's worse than with him. Maybe because of what they did to me in the past, I don't know. Anyway sorry for rambling. I genuinely don't want to be full of self pity. I'm accepting of the situation now. I know it's not ideal with him but I can't help needing to to all I can before trying to leave. I can't go through it again.

I don't want to be a bad person who's too spoilt to leave and then feels sorry for themselves. I want to be honest. Please don't be angry (but I understand if you are). It was awful and stupid of me. Truth is I'm the one that mentioned rough sex defence. It was a very intense (but extremely brief) incident of him raging, etc. I very very momentarily gave up. Told him I gave him permission to kill me. He said he wasn't going to prison for me so I said about the rough sex defence. He won't kill me now he thinks I want him to. He knows my fear is around housing. The worse physical attack from him (years ago now) was nowhere close as traumatic as standing in the council office with a bailiff due to evict me and council saying no help. Maybe my housing fears are too entrenched? I grew up with my mum threatening to call for someone to take me away.

I'm sorry fur this ramble. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself. I'm feeling more acceptance about things. I just don't want you to think I'm really ungrateful for not leaving yet.

Sorry, I posted before I saw your post, Jux. I'm sorry as well for yet another ridiculously long ramble.

Thank you for reassuring me about the possibility of someone knowing me being on the case. I suppose I was concerned more for him. Neither of us know the neighbour but it would be awful for him if there was a marac meeting where he was discussed and then he had to keep living here. Obviously he wouldn't know but I'd feel so bad for him. I still hope to leave in a non traumatic way, so just moving on but with no police or other problems for him.

Anyway. Sorry for the rambles, the self pity, and the lack of strength. I know it's down to me to be strong and take a risk at some point. I do want to try. I'm trying to overcome my fears. I know it sounds like just another excuse but I genuinely had got to that stage in August and had planned to leave in September (with a medium term plan for housing etc worked out loosely). What happened with my old doctors genuinely messed that up. They left me housebound. I know since then I'm full of excuses (not deliberately) and renewed fear and anxiety. I've gone massively backwards. It took me over a year to get to the stage I was at in August. Started with the mental will to do something and then I worked in my physical health and housing plans. Hopefully I can get to that point again soon. Please believe me, I don't think he'll kill me. I accept there's no 100% guarantee but why would be need to? He knows my greatest fear is the housing issue. He doesn't need to get himself into trouble. I also think the rough sex defence won't work on our case. There's been witnesses and there's other evidence. He knows that. He won't risk it and he doesn't need to.

He doesn’t need to. Of course he doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean you’re not at risk.
I understand you have health issues but they are not a reason to stay with someone who has threatened to kill you.
You must seek RL help and support. You need to find the strength to deal with your anxieties and move forwards.

I am really really concerned for you

I know you have a difficult past

You are giving him excuses and saying - oh well he didn't leave a mark when he hit me

You must get out

Have you got a WA support worker or is there an agency to help
You need to sit down and tell them all of this

I know what you are going through

I made plans
They fell through
He was nice
So I stayed
Then got hit
Or my toe was broken
Tried to leave
Couldn't

It went on and on

I am very worried for you

There isn’t a need for much more thinking/imagining/planning/analysis.

What Looondonn said!

Do you have a support worker of any sort? Have you a case worker from WA?

I think WA particularly may be worth you calling. They don't force you to do anything, but help you plan a safe way out if you want to leave, and can just kind of hold you up above water until you're ready.

I know you don't seem to be highest risk, but I bet you're minimising when you talk to people in rl about this. I bet you haven't told anyone the whole story.

Please don't worry about rambling, and you don't need to apologise to us about naything. Those of us sticking with you know that this is a tremendously difficult thing to do, and honestly most people living in your circumstances also question themselves constantly. Such is the uncertainty the abuser generates in their victims.

@plantlife

How did you get on today? Gotten out any more? Is he due back soon? Thinking of you, love.

I know you won't like to hear it, but I think you are making excuses for yourself to not get away. The organisations may not want to help; they may not have space; they may be restricted by area, etc.

You need to find out for certain, rather than worrying before you know and letting that fear stop you even asking.

You should understand that the abuse you've suffered are massive contributors to those fears. He's treated you so badly he's convinced you that there is nothing in this world better than him, nobody else who can "take care of you" besides him, that tolerating his abuse is so much easier than anything else.

It's his thoughts imposed upon you that magnify fear and worry about help.

See if you can talk yourself through that bit.
See if you can push yourself past his impositions into your thoughts and convince yourself that maybe he's wrong, maybe people can help after all.
See if you can convince yourself that you don't actually know things would be awful elsewhere, you don't actually know there won't be help for you.
See if you can push past his thoughts and find the truth. That's a good first step toward your eventual emotional freedom.

And definitely do NOT worry about him once you've gone. He'll be fine. I assure you. They always are. Always.

He will act out and say anything he can to keep you under his rule, but it's all just an act for that one purpose, nothing more.

By the way, you don't ramble. Your posts are rather well thought out and coherent. Please stop apologising to us!

Hello @plantlife. Sorry not to have been around recently. I see things have moved on a bit.
Have you finished the Freedom Programme?

Are you ok @Plantlife? How are you getting on with getting outside?

@plantlife I hope you’ve been getting outside and seeing the signs of spring.

I'm so so sorry I haven't come back here sooner. I feel ashamed and guilty for not progressing or doing more to get away. I'm sorry for making excuses. I suppose I am but it's not deliberate. I think I'm paralysed with all these stupid fears. Although, I have been turned down from several refuges so far so it's not completely excuses. I'm dreading doing it again. Spending hours trying to get to speak to someone, getting a refuge number, calling and the place being taken or only for women with children or no spaces for non-locals. All this has happened so it's not just what ifs. I know I need to be strong and persevere instead of moaning and giving up.

I didn't want to tell you the truth as I feel guilty, but I might as well be honest. I've not managed to go out. I need to. I need fresh air and exercise. I keep thinking about the neighbours. We have a shared entrance. I know I shouldn't let it bother me. I'm planning to get out tomorrow. I have to really as I've got a delivery to collect from the sorting office. It's a motivation for me hopefully.

I've been panicking about the coronavirus. I think I should try to leave sooner rather than later but I'm scared. I used to be fairly fit and healthy so wouldn't have worried as much. I've actually prepared well with deliveries of food and medicine (I've even got some masks!) but I'm scared of being ill around him, even if I get a more mild case. I'm also scared of being stuck in with him if there's any self isolating. Also if he gets scared about it (his parents are elderly and have health issues) I'm scared of what he'll be like. I obviously want his family to be ok regardless. I'm also scared it's a very bad time to be vulnerable or need help. I more than ever don't want to be sharing facilities with people. It's not a good time either to be in an unfamiliar place. He's still away and it's been great but he'll be back any day.

I'm sorry for all this procrastinating and extra fears. I'm just expressing them hopefully to get it out of my head. I know I need to pull myself together and take some risks. I know I'm not being believed but I genuinely have asked for help and tried to leave - and was turned away. There's not much real life support in my area. I have to get myself ready mentally and practically without that. I'm tired and rambling now. Sorry. That's why I've stayed away. I don't want to keep posting repetitive rambles. Perhaps though I could list succinctly, when I'm less rambly, why I feel I can't turn to my local service. Maybe someone with an outside perspective could see if it's genuinely a no go option (to try them again). I'll try to finally get outside tomorrow.

Just wanted to add. I think you're all right. I suppose I am making excuses and I need to try to break out of this scared to act mindset. I'm scared about everything including worrying about him at the same time as being scared of him. I know it's ridiculous. It's not easy and there are real barriers that make it harder. But everyone has to do difficult things at times. I think I could cope. Something deep inside me seems to know it's my confidence being so low that's making me let my fears take over. Things might have gone wrong in the past but I need to take some risks? Despite my bad experiences with previous GP and local DV place I know there's other people and places that could help. I've experienced so much kindness from other places even if they couldn't help more. I might try to call the national helpline again to go through my fears. I feel like I shouldn't call them again unless and until I'm ready to leave on the day but perhaps I could try. I hope you are all ok and keeping well.

Sorry. You'll all regret asking after me now! Just a quick practical questions. I'm trying to think clearly and trying to force myself to take action. I'm thinking I need to leave very soon or it might not be possible? Just think if there's self isolating from the virus, I might not be able to get away. Maybe I'm panicking? I'm thinking if things get bad here with the virus, it will be even harder to leave. And DV workers might be off sick or self isolating. I was thinking if I do manage to leave (relies on my emotional strength that I'm not sure I have). Anyway if I do, I've got lots of long-life food. I also want to take just two or three bin bags of clothes, towels, basuc essentials really. I know you can't take much. I'd be very limited financially when I first left so taking what I can would help so much. Especially as I'd guess the wait for universal credit could be delayed longer than usual with people possibly off work. I want to hire a man and van. I'm keeping some money aside. Is this realistic? I know I can't give refuge addresses out but perhaps they could drive to the refuge office? I've never hired a man and van so don't know if I could travel with them (not sure I want to) or if I'd go separately by train. I've heard there's often an office address that receives post.

Hi @plantlife. Glad to ‘see’ you back here, and you’re still in one piece.

I had an interesting session with my counsellor yesterday as I too have set up a whole heap of barriers as to why I can’t leave. She asked me to list some of them, and we examined a few in detail. Once they were out of my head, we analysed them... and I then left wondering just WHY I’d made these barriers in the first place.

I was left thinking... wtf? What a ridiculous spiders web I’d set up for myself!

Reading your posts made me realise that you, too, have created many webs. You can just leave your home. The most important stuff to take is your personal papers, passports etc. And your phone. Many women leave with just the clothes they stand up in.

Once you’re in the care of a refuge, you’ll get support, and the chance to go back with police protection and clear out all your stuff.

Quick question - Have you spoken to your GP about your situation. I cannot believe they wouldn’t get the ball rolling for you, if you were completely open about your situation at home.

They can fast track the system.

If not your GP, then another (maybe female) at the same practice.

So glad to see you back. Good idea to speak to GP. I also think they would help you with the anxiety around the virus.

Thank you. I'd completely understand if you lose patience with me.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie, I'm really sorry things are still bad for you too. I really hope you can leave.

I don't know if it's just taken until today for me to get myself together, like I've needed a week or so to recover from the stress when he's around, but today I finally feel a bit more confident. I think I'm ready to try again to leave, to take the risks, including risking trusting outside support. I don't want to tempt fate though as I know I've thought I've got to this stage before and then messed up. It's still so hard. I'm worried about him too. I don't want to hurt him. I made some steps towards trusting the GP today. Spoke on the phone. I maybe downplayed a little but I was mostly open. She was so kind and understanding. I feel much more reassured. I'm going to ask her for help if I don't manage to leave on my own. I think the bad experiences with my old GP and the local DV service really clouded my judgment and perhaps put me off trying to get help for too long. I shouldn't judge every professional by their behaviour.

I know some women leave with pretty much nothing. I think they're so very brave. I can't help desperately wanting to try to be as prepared as possible. I've experienced being with no money and with my health condition it's not so easy to always physically get about. I'm hoping still to be able to take some essentials. I still also hope to avoid the police. I've set aside the money for hiring a man with car/van (I can't drive) and think it's worth paying. I know I'll probably have to leave most of my stuff but I'm coming to terms with that.

You’re sounding so much more together and like you’re really thinking this through. I hope you’re proud of that. It’s great!!

Nobody here is losing patience with you.

@plantlife

My gut feeling is that the GP and Surgery are going to be your best chance of help. They will be able to metaphorically and hopefully physically open doors for you.

Can you see if you can chat to the same doctor again? Maybe make some notes first, so you cover the important points and you don’t get side tracked or lose your nerve.

It was a massive hurdle for me to actually tell ONE person, plant, and the utter relief I felt afterwards was amazing.

You should try it 😉

Nah. I’ve not lost patience with you either!

Me neither!!