is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Take some long deep breaths, when things get on top of you like that. Generally count slowly to 3 breathing in through your nose and count to 5 breathing out through your mouth. Do that 3 times, more if you can. It's amazing the difference it makes.

I think GP is a good resource, and using them to help you is a great idea. Write down a list of things your dh does and if you can't explain to your GP just hand them the list.

One step at a time. You are not superwoman yet so don't expect to be! You don't need to apologise or beat yourself up for being human, you know 😉

hfw.org.uk/our-services/supported-specialist/domestic-abuse-services/

homefinderuk.org/domestic-abuse-relocation-service-revive

www.solacewomensaid.org/get-help

OP, there are additional services in London that may be able to help you look into housing options, including out of area. Try the ones above?

You are so very far from lucky. He is threatening to kill you. Just because he hasn’t actually tried to do it does NOT mean he never will. You need to stop minimising what he’s doing.

I feel undeserving of all your kindness. I'm overwhelmed that complete strangers have looked up information for me and tried to help. I wish I could show how grateful I am. Just the support has helped me so much. Thank you so much.

I know it's not an ok situation. I need a GP appointment anyway so I'll ask for a double. I know it's not just about housing. I feel so scared of leaving. I wish I hadn't left it this long. I had more confidence a few years ago. Hopefully the doctor has some mental health/confidence tips.

I'll also try calling the links above. Solace are actually one of the services that won't/can't help me. I'm not in one of the boroughs they cover. All they can do is refer me to the local service, the one that didn't want to help. But I'll try the other links, thank you.

Thank you again so much for the links. I spoke to someone really kind at one of them. I need to look into it more tomorrow but just the fact that she was kind and wanted to try to help made me feel much less hopeless.

I'm trying not to panic but my GP has left. I'm really scared of starting again after what happened with the old place. It was a stroke of luck getting a decent one. I'm running out of my sleeping pills and painkillers. We discussed me slowly tapering off, very slowly. I don't feel in any state with everything else going on to do it quickly. My old GP wanted me to stop abruptly with no tapering. I'm scared a new GP will be the same. I also don't want to talk to a male GP. I feel too embarrassed because the abuse stuff.

The GP that's left is now private. I'm thinking of paying but it's an overdraft so not my money and I need to save it for leaving him. I think I'll pay because I can't face another obstacle to overcome. It was awful before. Not only no support from GP but an active battle against them. I only got hooked on the pills because the old GP refused to believe me about my health condition, told me it didn't exist, and gave me sleeping pills. I never even asked for them. Also the good GP that's gone private understands my health condition. The old GP really messed things up. I'm so stressed with the stuff with my partner so I definitely can't face another potential battle. Sorry for more rambling. The old GP made me lose a lot of faith in doctors. I suppose it's worth paying to keep the one I trust under my circumstances?

Sorry, I know I'm rambling. I just wanted to explain that the battles with the old GP were mainly about my physical health, not the sleeping pills. It was about pretty much everything really with them. They refused to believe me or even read the consultant's notes about my physical health, they bullied me (and other patients) who complained, etc. I tried to turn to them for help several times when desperate and it was awful. Sorry, I don't mean to go on about them again. I wish I could pursue my complaint actually and I do plan to but not until I'm in a stronger position.

I think for now I'll swallow resentment about paying and see her privately because I need the continuity.

@plantlife - has she gone 100% private? I know a few GPs round here have done so, but are also part time with their local surgery.

Instead of racking up debt, why don’t you email her and ask her what you should do. I cannot believe anyone in their right mind - male or female- would deny you help based on your domestic situation.

Also, don’t minimise what he has done To you. It will have had a massive impact on your health. If the GP has this background info, they’ll be able to a) treat you appropriately and b) get you some help.

In fact, if you’ve been asking for treatment without telling them what’s going on at home, it may well be that they’ve mis diagnosed you! The GPs are under such time pressure, you really have to spell It out.

Don’t ask them to guess. Give it to them straight!

I assume going to the doctors is something you can do by yourself so you can talk freely once you’re in with them?

You said there is a 'lowish' risk with him while you stay

There is a very high risk with him

Get out

You are doing what I did
Making excuses

Making plans to leave then letting him be kind and sick you back in
Get our while you are alive
This man is like my ex
An abuser
This man is a maniac

I'm so sorry for worrying anyone. I feel so awful about other people's horrible experiences. I really really hope things are better for you now, Looodonn? I'm also so grateful for the support and replies. I don't want to be ungrateful and ignore the advice.

I'm going to try to get going with housing applications once I've sorted the medication issues. Surely they won't force an abrupt withdrawal on me in my circumstances?

My old GP surgery hopefully was just one bad place and an exception? I have, I think enough evidence of at least some of their poor behaviour. I have some phone recordings and copies of letters, etc. I don't feel strong enough for that battle yet but it's actually one motivation to keep going. I'm not the only patient that suffered problems (one even had a GMC complaint upheld). Its just really shaken my trust in doctors. I even noted in my complaint letter that I'd seen them as a place of safety and support. I wrote that I wanted to amicably resolve issure. Got no reply at all. I want to report to the ombudsmen when I'm stronger. They saw bruises and I'd told them about the abuse. I feel they took advantage of that, thinking I'm in no position to pursue complaints against them. Many of the other patients who had problems with them are elderly or migrants. I think the nasty receptionist picked on vulnerable people.

Its a big mess to sort out. I've found out the admin at the old surgery didn't add several hospital letters to my records. Including one about my history of abnormal smears and high risk HPV. Luckily I have copied, which I sent to the new one. I can't face starting again.

Sorry for rambling. In short, I can't deal with what he's doing until I've sorted out the doctor and medication stuff. Hopefully I can do that quickly. I have an appointment tomorrow.

Sorry, I promise I'll shut up after this. I wish I could stop rambling and be more succinct.

I looked up high risk and marac. Trying to work out what risk I'm at. I think even more now that the police believed him. I still don't know everything he said to them. I know he told them I was challenging because of mental health issues. He told them I threatened suicide and control him. I have felt suicidal (a year or so ago) but he'd been shouting violently telling me to kill myself. I'm just thinking because the marac stuff online says the meetings happens if there's been three or more police call outs on the past 12 months. Around that time (over a year ago now), they came out around four times (twice in one night). Sorry, I'm being very irrational because there's no way I can cope with police involvement but I suppose it looks like he convinced the police.

The non-helpful DV charity also confused me. Over a year ago I spoke to them. They asked if he'd ever strangled me. I told them about the time he'd put me in a chokehold but it was several years ago and he said he was restraining me. He wasn't restraining me but equally I could breathe so it wasn't choking as such. Anyhow they said it wasn't a big worry as it wasn't in the past 12 months and it was just restraining me. I sort of agreed with them especially as he hadn't done it again. I read online last night it was still a risk so why did the charity say it wasn't? They also dismissed something sexual that happened. It was years ago
They said it doesn't matter as it was so long ago. I don't think that puts me at high risk but I was upset at how she dismissed me because it was the first time I'd told anyone.

Again, I know I'm being irrational. I don't want this marac meeting and don't want police involvement. I guess I just feel like they (the police, the charity) didn't believe me.

Anyhow. Yet another apology from me. I think I've finally vented all my upset from the past. I know I need to let go and focus on what happens now. I hope to get doctor stuff sorted tomorrow then I'll get back to the housing people. It's so daunting. I can't help feeling safe here hidden away from the dangerous violent outside world. Especially with increasing knife crime and scary viruses. He's not physically harmed me for ages but I know I have to try to leave. I have to be honest. I don't feel ready. Maybe I will some point soonish.

You really aren’t safe. You really aren’t.

I hope your gp appointment goes well, Plant. Your old surgery sounds awful - ime, surgeries are good places and the people want to help, so I would say that most are like that, and your old one was definitely an exception. In my life I have had more than 20 gp surgeries (due to moving home, not because I had problems with them!).

Ok @plantlife. This is what you do when you get into the doctors consulting room.

You tell them you’re being abused. You show them this thread. You don’t have to prove to them anything. You really don’t. They will have to believe you.

Tell them you need a safe place to stay as soon as possible. You don’t want the police involved. End of.

Gosh. I wish I could gently get to to the Doctors room. Hold you hand. And refuse to leave until the doctor had heard your whole story.

I can’t tell you what a special person you are. You will blossom again when you’re free.

Thank you all of you so so much for your kindness. I know it's frustrating me posting long rambling moans. He's being nice tonight. I'm going to try to speak properly to the doctor. I know (I hope!) the old one was a particularly bad exception. I wish I'd read the reviews first actually before registering.

Its a telephone appointment tomorrow. I'm not sure I'm ready to tell them everything tomorrow. I know that's frustrating, I'm sorry. I just want to sort the immediate medicine issue first then I'll turn to thinking about what to do next. I think when I'm ready to try to leave, I'll ask the national DV service for help. Both them and the national women's aid have been really kind in the past.

I know it's silly but I washed my hair and did some cleaning today. I felt more confident about the next stages. I genuinely have some plans again. I think I've finally snapped out of my slump. I think, although its very slow, I need to baby step things. I've still got the emergency bag just in case but hopefully I won't need it. He's away for work next week so I'll have some time.

I promise I'm going to try to prepare to do something about it all. Thank you for the advice on how to ask for help. Being really honest I don't think I'm ready to do it tomorrow. But if/when I can, I think what you've written is something I could do by email to either doctor or DV organisation. Thank you.

Gosh please please do

This was me not so long ago

I remember going to my psychotherapist and the look of horror on her face at what he was doing to me- every session we would hatch a plan for my escape, I would go home, pack and then he was nice to me so I backed out

It is so very hard

It got worse
He is an evil c---

Please get out
What about getting yourself to a and e and speaking to someone there and saying please please help me - tell them your story

I fear for you

I know a and e sounds extreme but I do worry what will happen next

Write it all - maybe put in a secure place on your phone it will help you go through key events

What about taking yourself to a refuge and say you can not leave without help
Womans aid have been amazing to me

The medicine problem is because of all the other stuff.

If you tell them everything tomorrow, that will be the start of getting active help fixing everything.

Though you may be uncomfortable telling some of the information, they need all of it to help you properly.

Self care is most definitely not silly. I’m glad he will be away. Please make the most of every day he isn’t there.

I wasn't going to post today as I want to try to stop rambling and actually progress with changing things. I feel guilty because I don't want to upset anyone. I know some of you have been through such awful experiences. I really don't want to upset you by bringing back bad memories. Please don't worry. I genuinely don't think he'll do anything serious. He doesn't need to. He knows my greatest fear is being homeless or in bad and dangerous housing. I promise though that just in case I do have the emergency bag.

I'm trying not to panic. I'm trying to stay strong but I don't know if I have the strength to fight on all fronts. I made it outside today. It felt so good and I want to keep up the momentum. But the GP appointment was cancelled. I'm paranoid it's because she didn't want to deal with me, perhaps because my situation is complex and she maybe went private to get away from NHS problems, etc? I got booked in with a different GP, NHS. She seemed nice but didn't understand my health condition. It's not her fault. Most health literature describes my condition as "usually" not serious. I'm one of the less common cases where it's more severe with complications.

I felt pressured to start immediately tapering off my painkillers. She was nice but I tried to say how I didn't feel ready because things were so difficult. I'm also still in a lot of pain. I haven't had my hospital treatment yet. I'm scared I'll be housebound again. I want to get back to at least going outside more regularly before cutting down on the pills. But I'm so scared she'd not prescribe anything that I agreed.

The old surgery wanted to force me to immediately stop with no tapering so I'm terrified of it happening again. I actually feel I could do it but it will take all my focus for the next month or so. I don't feel able to plan leaving him at the same time. I know withdrawal will take up my time physically and mentally. I think if I book a 20 minute appointment I could explain my case properly but I'm feeling stressed about starting over with different GPs. I don't want to write as it's a virtual GP service. The admin are a call centre so I'm reluctant to put things in writing, and I wouldn't know who to address a letter to. I suppose I could call and ask if there's a practice manager or equivalent? I actually don't ever want to properly trust a GP again.

Sorry for yet more moaning rambling. In short I feel like I'm constantly battling the health problems, the doctors, and then the situation with him. It feels a bit overwhelmimg. I know the drugs can be addictive. I'm prepared to go through tapered off withdrawal but I wanted to prioritise returning to some semblance of normality first. Just getting outdoors more than once or twice a month. I think the GP would understand if I wrote to them but it's taking my time away from him. It seems to keep happening every time I get a bit better or he's due to be away. I definitely won't turn to doctors for support with him. If I get through this I hope DV services will help.

Sorry, that post just now is far too long! I'm sorry. I know I'm rambling and panicking. I suppose maybe it's more for me to spill out my fears than for anyone to read. In short, I feel like I can't turn to doctors for help and actually I feel like they're adding to the battle and stress. It's stuff I can sort out but it keeps taking up all my time and energy. I'm panicking and stressing about it all instead of building on my baby stepping. Going out to the shops today felt great but it's all too stop start, stop start with me.

Anyway, sorry. I don't want to let people down. You've all helped me through when I felt completely alone and hopeless with nowhere to turn. I feel a bit stronger now. And although my new GP situstion isn't really ideal for when you're in a complex situation like mine, I feel immense relief that I'm away from the old place. I desperately want to get through this. It's just so hard battling on more than one front. I'll try to pull myself together tomorrow. I know I have to just keep dealing with all the problems. I just feel upset that I start taking baby steps but then it all goes wrong again. I know it sounds pathetic but washing my hair, going to the shops, even getting out of bed before 12 midday, made me feel so good.

I'll try to sort more stuff out tomorrow. I suppose it's a battle that you have to keep at even if you don't want to.

Massive apologies again for rambling, and sorry for yet another post. I've just been thinking and realised I've let the dreadful experience at the old surgery cloud my judgment.

The GP I spoke to today was nice and she did say I wouldn't be forced to cut down right now if I struggled too much. I'm just panicking as it's so so hard to trust doctors after what happened in the past.

I need to trust the new place don't I? I've found out how to write to them. Maybe the one that cancelled today was off sick. I'll book a double appointment to discuss things properly. It's quite cheap to use them privately. If I need the one who understands my condition, I'm happy to pay. I'll check she still works there first! If not, the one today was very nice so I shouldn't panic.

Sorry for the panicking and long stressed rambles. He's being really nice btw. I know I have to try to be realistic and keep trying to get the strength. My first goal is going outdoors at least twice a week, ideally more. Sorry and thank you again for all the help. I feel I know what I need to do. I just have to be strong.

I am still reading. And it really doesn’t sound pathetic at all.
You are sounding stronger and even if you were to have situation where you weren’t happy with a GP at some point in the future then you know you can say that you’re not happy and either ask them to do something different or refer you to someone else.
Good luck getting out and about. The sun is shining here.

I'm reading too, Plant, you're not alone.

The nice gp sounds sympathetic, as if she would listen. You could make a double appointment, and perhaps make a kind of crib list of the important aspects of your health condition, like putting it in bullet points.

Have you noticed how much you apologise to us? You honestly don't need to, if someone doesn't want to read your posts then they'll just click away. The rest of us, read, think and reply and so we understand a bit of where you're coming from. I'm not criticising you or telling you to stop, but I think it's quite interesting that you do it.

I used to have a counsellor and one week my train was cancelled at the last minute. I knew she'd made an effort to get to her practice for my appointment, and came from much further away than I did. When I phoned to say the train was cancelled and I couldn't get there the answer phone was on so I left a message. The following week, she pointed out that I'd said sorry over a dozen times, and asked if I always apologised that much. I did. DH was never satisfied with one 'sorry' I had to abase myself before he was satisfied and even then he'd be disapproving all day and sometimes longer. I decided there and then that I didn't need to do that anymore, and that I wouldn't do that anymore. My counsellor helped me enormously with it.

I’m glad you had a good experience today with the new GP.