is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Thank you so much for being so kind. He's being a bit up and down. I've got myself so stressed about cutting down on the painkillers, I'm not thinking about much else. I know it sounds like I'm just not willing to come off them. It's genuinely not that. As I'm sleeping in so late and rarely getting outside, I think I'd make it through any withdrawal. I'll just not be able to focus on trying to leave him. I already put things on hold waiting for my health appointments. Hopefully if I explain things a bit more the the GP will understand. I know I'm full of fear about everything. Now I'm worrying about the virus again. My hospital appointments are at Guys and St. Thomas's. I know I shouldn't be paranoid. The patient is in isolation, and anyway my appointment isn't until a few weeks time. I suppose I also feel it's not a good time to need help or be away from home/familiarity. Maybe I'm making subconscious/unconscious excuses. I don't know. I think when he's away on Monday I'll try to call a DV service, although if I'm not ready to leave straight away I'm not sure they can help. Maybe I should take all your advice and tell the doctor more. Maybe they can help support with the mental health side, help me feel stronger.

I don't know if I can get the strength to leave but I know I need to keep trying.

Sorry for so many posts. I can't sleep, stressed about the doctors and medication and everything.

I just looked at a council housing policy. Not a London one. You can't join their register unless you have a local connection. Exceptions include fleeing "extreme violence". I don't think bruises count as extreme? They also say they need evidence. I don't have photos of the worse injuries. Anyway there's been no bad physical stuff for ages so nothing extreme.

I think I need to be realistic. It's not an ideal world. I'm aware things aren't completely safe with him. But I started this thread months ago. I'm still alive and unharmed. I think, under the circumstances of the housing crisis, I'm best off trying to not antagonise him (which is usually possible even if a bit stressful). Then working on improving my health so I can afford to house myself. I know you'll think stupid or spoilt, but I know I wouldn't cope in a shared hostel. I struggled in a bedsit when I was fit, young, and healthy. I saw a thread the other day on MN about social housing. Sometimes women fleeing DV are put in with men (in supported hostels) including violent ex prisoners.

I'll still try to make things better but I don't want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire. I know how not to make him angry. It's not great, it means putting up with some unpleasantness, but nothing life threatening or even close. I think the long game is perhaps better.

It's helped to vent here so please don't think I'm expecting any magic wand answers. I find it gets me through having a space to talk about it. I know there's private diaries but it seems to help having a real world connection of sorts.

Sorry too for being so negative. I know there's other councils to try. I suppose I fixate on the worse fears at night when I should be in bed. I keep staying up worrying about everything. Perhaps I'll feel more hopeful and strong tomorrow. I need to break through this fear blocking me. I've been like this for years. It makes things worse. One of you said ages ago "feel the fear and do it anyway". I want to try to do that.

Honestly I think (partly living with him has caused) you have anxiety that forces you to focus obsessively on particular things like medication and stories you have read about housing rather than the real issue. You are not safe with him. He has hurt you and has threatened to kill you. You need to find a way out.

I'm sorry, I know I tend to panic about worse case scenarios. And I know I'm panicking more. That's why I didn't want to be pressured to cut down on medication as it's distracting me.

But how can I leave? I've tried in the past. It's not just what I've read, I mentioned that more to try to explain it's not just my fears, it's how things are. I've experienced it. Been told I'm not priority need and/or no local connection by councils. The one yesterday specifying extreme violence. I don't qualify.

I tried to leave a few years before. I was turned down by landlords and agencies because of not working and not having a guarantor. I was looking out of London, in cheaper areas and had enough money for 6 months upfront.

I asked my local DV place for help a year or so ago. They said they don't help with housing and said they couldn't offer me any more help.

But now, I really don't know how do I leave? It's not just what I read, it's what I've experienced. I've tried several councils so far. The most honest (my old council) said I wouldn't be given priority need but possibly they'd get me a 6 month hostel or private rent flat that housing benefit/UC wouldn't fully cover. It's not their fault, they're overwhelmed with people needing help.

Other areas only house locals unless exceptions like extreme violence, which isn't the case for me. I can't see any way to leave other than waiting until my health is better? I'm not safe in very short-term housing unless I can find my own housing at move-on stage. I need to be well enough to work full-time. Is that anxiety or being practical and realistic?

Ok, sorry again! I'll try to stop posting long rambled panics, and also try to cut down on saying sorry.

I guess you were right. I'm letting the anxiety about everything take over me. I just called the council I was looking at last night. They were very nice and have reassured me. They can't promise anything but they said my situation would be considered. It's only to go on their list but that's a start. If nothing else, they promised the police wouldn't be involved without my consent. My big fear was not only getting turned down but police being called. I can cope with being turned down if no police.

I'm going to try to fight the fear and apply. I know I still have a chance with the housing association list I'm already on but I think I'll feel happier and stronger and safer out of London, away from him, his friends, the bad memories.

Sorry, I'm struggling with the anxiety about it all I suppose. I think I'll use the time he's away (from Monday) to speak to doctor, get fresh air, try to pull myself together. Maybe I'm just struggling to leave him? It sounds stupid but he says he may go to his parents straight from his work trip. So he won't spend Valentine's Day with me. Its a relief in a way but I can't help feeling upset too. I feel so attached to him. I genuinely thought my biggest barrier to leaving was housing not now I think it's fear of being on my own, away from him. He's like a parent almost at times, looking after me.

I'll try to stay away for a few days. I don't want to keep making lengthy panicked posts. Hopefully I can update more positively and more succinctly next week. Thank you again to everyone. I feel a bit better now bit you all helped me beiynd description when I felt I had no-one. I wish I could repay that. I hope both Wolfiepups are happy together now? I want to focus on a future with dogs.

If he’s like a parent then he’s only like an extremely abuse kind. Parents don’t threaten to kill their kids.
You really don’t need to stay away. This is YOUR thread and if posting here helps you to get your thoughts in order and feel like you have someone to “talk” to then that’s great!!
Could CAB help advise? You say you’ve tried to leave but it sounds like you’ve asked places if they can house you hypothetically.

Oh and pups are great. Thanks for asking.

Thank you for the lovely photo! They're both beautiful doggies! I'm glad they're happy and getting on.

Thank you also for the support. It's definitely helped expressing my fears. I just spoke anonymously to a lovely person at a local DV place. I didn't think they'd understand but she was so nice and understanding. I feel much better now. I didn't feel ready to give my details but I have a clearer idea of my options. It's not ideal, the options, but I feel better sbout the honesty. I can make informed decisions. I truly don't think I'd cope in a hostel. I definitely want to stay with him over that. But there are other options - if I can do a bit of careful planning. I just need to stay strong and calm.

For so long I thought housing was my main barrier. It's still very difficult, but I have to accept a major issue is I'm so scared of being without him. I need to work on my confidence. In the meantime I have some things to work on. I'll try to do it next week. My immediate priority is to stop panicking. It only ever makes things worse. Knowing there's somewhere to turn in real life is very comforting. Thank you again for the beautiful photos.

Sorry not to post @plantlife, but I’m here too!

My gut feeling is that it’ll be a GP that gets the ball rolling for you. Glad you’ve found a good one.

Keep posting here.

And stop saying sorry.

And keep safe. Without wanting to sound too unkind, there is a large part of you that depends on him... and not in a good way.

You are more than welcome to the pic! It’s big girl’s favourite place in the world. Our local arboretum.
You do need to get out in order to be safe. But you also need to work on you. Get yourself in a better place health wise and build your confidence.
You are strong and you can do this. You’re in charge and do things at your pace.

@plantlife Please do not be sorry for posting, whether frequently or lengthy. Please do not be sorry for "rambling" because you are not.

We are here for you. This thread is your place to vent, ramble, put down your thoughts, panic, ask questions, get ideas, whatever.

And we actually aren't particularly kind or understanding or patient people. We are normal. Your partner is such a monster, he's got you thinking that common decency and basic compassion for people is overwhelming kindness! That's the impact psychological abuse can have - the physical isn't necessarily always the most impactful part.

I've been in exactly your position. I was with a violent, abusive, terrifying drunk who fucked with my head and had me thinking the world was far more awful than it really is.

I was paralysed with fear over leaving, even though I'd known somewhere in my heart that I needed to leave and that I wasn't safe for years. I was extremely ashamed I'd let myself get into it, let it get so bad, let it go on so long, all of that, that I minimised it and locked it away - along with myself. I was mortified at the thought of speaking to anyone about what was going on with me, out of shame, fear, and anxiety for several reasons.

I was taken away in handcuffs several times - when looking back it definitely should have been him - and now I have DV on my permanent record, even though I was 100% the victim every time.

I bear the scars of his abuse, both physically and emotionally. It got worse and worse over time, even when there were gaps of "good" times in between; the next escalation was always worse than the last.

I was nearly KILLED several times toward the end, yet I managed to convince myself (or let him convince me) that it wasn't as bad as it seemed / as bad as I'd imagined it at the time, when he was being lovely and cuddly in between.

I had ZERO confidence in myself, my thoughts, my abilities, my future, my friends and family, my community, the whole world.

I thought I needed him, and I was certain he needed me. That was the polar opposite of the truth on both counts.

Of course he used the bollocks lines of threats to hurt himself when I left, but nothing ever came of it, because that was just a ploy to control me, to make me feel guilty, to coax me back, so he didn't lose his punching bag. He never hurt himself over me, in fact he was totally fine without me, and he eventually fucked off when he realised I would never let him hurt me again.

When I got out, the vast majority of it got better almost immediately.

It took time to work his thoughts and words out of my head and replace them with my own, and it took time to trust again. It took time to get my confidence back, but I did. I got my friends and family back - which I had thought would never happen - and they were nothing but supportive, understanding, and protective. I got myself back.

It didn't happen overnight, but it absolutely happened more quickly than I'd ever thought possible.

And now I have a beautiful life, a wonderful family, a kind and loving and respectful (and even fit!) DH who would never hurt me or allow me to be hurt, lovely friends, a house way out in the gorgeous countryside with loads of trees and FIVE DOGS, and I genuinely don't even think about my abuse or my abuser at all anymore.

You can do this, and I guarantee you it will not be as bad as you anticipate! You've already done the (in my experience) hardest part, which is realising you need to leave.

Every single step is a victory, even something as seemingly "small" as washing your hair or ringing somebody. Don't be discouraged if you're not making progress as fast as you'd wish. What you're doing is one of the hardest things a person can do, so don't push yourself too far. Be proud of all you're doing, even if you don't think it's much right now.

Again, please don't apologise for posting, please whatever you do don't stop posting, and please trust that we are here for you. We want to help you. We want to hear how you're doing regardless of what's going on.

Tell us your fears, your problems, the obstacles you're facing, your progress or lack thereof. We won't be disappointed in you. The fact you're even here at all is a triumph.

Sorry if this is rambled. He's just had a violent rage. I often feel a bit numb afterwards. Like a weird calm exterior but messed up thoughts/head inside.

Thank you for such kind supportive messages. I wish I could show how grateful I am, just for showing me there's good people outside world. I'm so sorry you went through such an awful experience with your ex, JWrecks. I'm so glad you're now in such a good situation. It sounds lovely. I so want to live in the countryside with dogs. I don't know if I'll ever have that but I need to visualise it to help motivate me to try.

I don't know how to explain what's happened. I've realised he wants to hurt me. I feel so sick. It's not just a loss of temper. On Saturday I thought perhaps it's temper. He picked up an empty wine bottle threatening to smash it on me. But I was shouting on Saturday. Things escalated and I started shouting about what he'd done to me, called him an abuser. I know I've made things worse. He didn't deny any of it though. He actually apologised and was nice and I felt guilty for bringing up the past.

Today I realised he really does like to bully, to hurt me when I'm scared or upset or unwell. It's happened too many times to be coincidence.

I need to leave, I know. I just can't face a hostel. I'm not talking about a proper women's refuge. The DV service was talking about after refuge. I truly can't. I'm sorry if that makes me spoilt. I'm terrified of it. I'm going to try to get the courage to look for a refuge far away from here. I need to go where housing is more affordable. I'm so scared. I'm too scared to get help with it. I don't want to do the risk assessment. I think I'd not be the highest risk but I don't want to risk it. I'm going to try to just find a refuge through national helpline or housing applications myself.

Sorry for rambling. I'm frightened of the coronavirus but was trying to control my fear. I've stocked up on essentials including tinned food and medicine. I wasn't going on about it to him. I asked him to wash his hands when he gets home and before eating but I don't think that's excessive? I didn't nag, just asked once. I was proud of myself for not panicking. But he's making me feel scared and stressed. I especially don't want to be ill around him. Even a mild version as he's awful whenever I'm ill. Sorry. I need to try to stay calm and take a leap of faith.

Again there's no proof. He's trying to make everyone think I'm mad.

I'm not making sense, I'm sorry. I don't know how to explain this. He says things with such authority. Like that's how things are, what apparently happened, how it happened, etc. He's using my past against me. I used to be more depressed and messed up. I used to be terrified of getting ill, just a cold. But I discovered my home remedies (natural remedies) and realised it's not the end of the world. But he won't stop trying to make out I'm excessively paranoid. I'm scared of the coronsvirus because of my underlying health so I don't think it's irrational fear? But I'm not panicking and I'm not going on about it to him. Stocking up on food and medicine made me feel in control.

He met me through friends of friends. They'll his version of things, that I'm a mental nightmare is the truth. He said he's not an abuser as if he was I'd have more than bruises, I'd need a wheelchair. He was saying hurtful things like I'm a drain on the NHS. My health conditions are only so bad because he wouldn't let me get sorted sooner.

I was doing so well today. I felt calm, capable. I know a lot of this situation is my fault. There were times when I could have tried to get away but was too scared to try. Now I don't know if it's possible to have any life better than this. I don't think it's too much to ask for but so many people don't have it. My own safe space, a bedroom, a kitchen, a bathroom. I think I'd be able to recover and return to work, get my health treatments if I had the chance. I'm scared I won't.

I'm so upset but also angry with my old GP practice. I truly was (after a long time, lots of fails) ready to try to leave. It was all planned out. My health was getting better, I had a window of opportunity with him away so much at that stage. Then they made me housebound for three months. I had deep black bruising one time and the GP said she didn't need to see (this was after I'd told them about abuse). That was evidence. I want to pursue the complaint.

I'm sorry. Sorry for being so down and waffling away. I'm just feeling negative after an incident?

You will leave when the scary parts of leaving are less frightening than the scary parts of staying.
You can create a better life.

Call the police when you need them- then let them help you.

The GP thing is not the most important right now. Your fears about leaving are not in proportion to the actual danger. You need to get away from this person who enjoys hurting you and scaring you. Men like that kill their partners OP. No hostel is as bad as that.
Your anxiety seems like disordered thinking or to do with depression or other MH issue. You’re not thinking logically.

I'm sorry. I'm so frightened of the housing situation. I'm going to try to find a place I could cope with. I have a chance, but it depends on timing and luck and me having enough confidence to go for it.

I'm still scared about him coping too. I know it sounds stupid but it's not a burden I think I could cope with. I don't think he'd directly kill himself but he'll take risks, go into self destruct. I know you'll say it's not my responsibility. I suppose he's always been like that even before he met me but it will be horribly hard. I can't call the police unless and until I find a safe place to go to. He'd be released after 24 hours at most. In an absolute immediate danger to life emergency, I'd call but I really hope not too.

It's helped offloading here. I'm going to try to find somewhere to go. My plan means waiting it out rather than emergency accommodation. I know that many seem stupid but I know I couldn't cope. His work trip was cancelled this week but he's visiting his parents soon. If I can wait it out, I'm more likely to cope mentally and physically (and financially). I really want to try to keep some control and preparation over it all.

I don't know if I'm making sense. But if I'm in control and planning things, I cope so much better. If I can tick off lists, the whole get your ducks in a row thing, I know If cope better. Even if it is a hostel temporarily. I just need to be as prepared mentally and physically. There's so much I can't control, I know.

Its totally understandable that you feel the need to arrange accommodations. Those steps towards control, toward being your own person, are crucial.

I also understand feeling you can't face a hostel or refuge. When I was in your position, that was another massive contributor to how long I stayed as well. When I got out, I went into a position I'd previously thought I couldn't bear, but I realised immediately that it was not only bearable but was in fact rather nice. Loads nicer than constant fear!

And you've no need to be sorry for what I went through! Believe it or not, I'm actually not bothered about it anymore, and haven't been for some years now! Obviously I would tell my younger self to run miles from that bastard if I could, but I can't, and I'm certainly far from grateful for what happened, but I AM proud that I survived it, and I DO know that survivng it made me the tough babe I am!

Thinking of you often @plantlife, and wishing you freedom and joy and safety soon.

Your partner sounds dangerous. He calls you names, threatens to hit you hard you won't get up and damages your hearing. What next ? Are you going to stay until he seriously harms or even kills you? If this was happening to your sister what would you tell her to do? He does not love you, you are not to blame for his aggressive behaviour. You say you are afraid to leave as nowhere to go but what could be scarier than living with this abuse. Go to a woman's refuse, tell them he is constantly threatening to hurt you and do not communicate with him again. Change your mobile number go on to benefits or get a job and look for accommodation on your own or share with a friend. Get back in touch with your friends and tell them what has been going on. No one deserves to be a punch bag for a partner who cannot control their temper. If this was happening to your sister or friend you would be telling them to escape. Love yourself and get out while you can.

Hi there Plantlife

I've only just come to this thread, and while I haven't read all of it, in amongst all of your suffering, I've noted your strong desire for a child, and am wondering are you actually physically too old to have children? The reason I ask, is that my eldest sister lived with an abusive partner for years, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, and then was told that it was unlikely she'd ever get pregnant again, it broke her heart. However, a few years after she finally plucked up the courage to leave him, and yes, it took her a long while too, she met and married a man who treated her kindly, like a real loving partner should, and when finally all the stress had gone out of her life, she suddenly found she was pregnant!! She now has 3 lovely children. So unless you are physically past child bearing age, or there is some other reason why you can't have children, it could just be that you haven't got pregnant with this evil man, because it isn't meant to happen, maybe your body and your stress levels are preventing it? Maybe there's a plan out there somewhere for you to get yourself free, and then who knows?? It's just a thought, but if you're not too old, it could just happen. Something to think about!

In the meantime though, you've obviously had some fantastic support from all those that started reading from your very first post, and I'd just like to add my support too. I'd also like to say, please don't feel that you're a failure, or that you'll never manage to leave him, I had a friend who talked about leaving her abusive partner for 20 years or more, then one night he came in from the pub, drunk yet again, and moaning about having to walk home in the cold, she said that if he'd let her know he wanted to be picked up he should have called her, but it set him off 'I don't even know why you're still here, you're no use to me, you're just a waste of space' etc., and all of a sudden, the penny dropped, she went upstairs, picked up the bag that she'd discreetly had packed for a long time with all the essential paperwork etc., walked downstairs, out the door, got in her car and drove away!! THE END! I guess what I'm saying is, that one day, you'll finally be ready, something will happen that will let you know it's the right time, and you WILL be able to gather the courage and leave. You've obviously come an incredibly long way, just by the amount that I have read, and I feel sure that you will get there, just keep working on getting all your ducks in a row, as the expression goes, and do please continue to post and let us all support you.

You have a plan and that’s good. Are you managing to do any of the freedom programme? I really think it could help you. I hope he does go away and you get out.
Re him taking risks? Not your responsibility. It really isn’t. And it’s far riskier for you to stay. It really is.

I just wanted to thank people for the kind posts. I appreciate so much that you've taken the time to try to help me.

I'm too tired to think straight today. I don't know what's wrong with me but for the past year or so I've felt exhausted physically and mentally on less than 9 hours sleep, weak legs, brain fog. Could be the stress but I'm fine with enough sleep. Added to my other health issues, it makes it hard to plan to leave.

My physical health is my main issue with hostels. I think I'd cope if I was in good health. That's why I was prepared to leave in September. My health was improving.

Thank you for such a kind post, Pembsgirl. It's so lovely when there's a happy ending. I'm glad your friend has that. I know I'm being negative. I'm not at menopause age but it's way less likely to conceive especially first child at my age. I also have gynae issues. I was meant to have an operation but I don't feel able to whilst in this situation. I'm trying to accept this. It's for the best in my circumstances. It's just hard when a lot of DV services and housing is only for women with children. I know children are the priority, I realise more now how maybe my childhood influenced my choice in partners. It's just it brings it home to me. Sorry this is rambled.

I wish I could calmly set out my fears and barriers but I can't seem to help rambling. Maybe because I'm mostly very cut off? He's often the only person I see or speak to. Anyway, sorry for rambling again.

He's away next week. I should use the time but now I'm really panicking about the coronavirus. Only because I have health conditions. I hated being stuck in with my health flare up but now I want to hide indoors. To top it off the doctor wants me to start tapering off my pain medicine. I think I can do it but I don't think I can do it whilst also trying to leave. I don't feel up to doing everything in one go. I was only just baby stepping going outdoors.

I suppose I should do some more freedom programme when he's away. I think maybe I'm taking stupid risks. At the weekend I told him I had evidence for the police. Said I'd tried to leave him but the DV place let me down. Also said I didn't want him to die of the coronavirus as I'd be homeless. I said I could get a refuge but obviously only if he's still around. I feel so stupid. Obviously I shouldn't have told him but also I feel horrible and guilty. I care so much about him (can't help it) and don't want anything to happen to him. But deep dark realisation is I'd be in more danger if he wasn't around. With him around, a chance of housing (even if hostel) due to DV. If he died, street homeless. Sorry. Horrible nasty panicked thoughts.

Tell the GP why you don’t feel able to reduce pain meds.
If you’re not already then you need help for the anxiety. I am immunocompromised but even I recognise my chances of catching this strain of Corona virus is miniscule. It won’t stop me living my life.
You really do need to do the Freedom programme. You’re not in more danger if he isn’t around. He has threatened to kill you. That’s a hell of a risk.

If it would help, write down bullet points about his behaviour and how it makes you feel. Then you have a crib sheet if you dry up when talking to the gp, or you could just hand the paper to them and they'll talk to you about what's on it.

I'm sure that your gp could be much more help to you if they know the situation. They can't make reasonable medical decisions about your care if they don't have the information. I bet they've got an idea of where you're coming from anyway, but you do have to tell them yourself. I really think it'll help you to take your gp into your confidence.

Just wanted to thank you again.

I really hope you all stay well and avoid the virus (or at least, don't get it badly). I try not to add to my panic. It's extra scary as he's been so awful when I've been ill. He's away and the pessimistic terrified of everything hopeless cloud has lifted. Still full of fear about safe (or not) housing, being without him(or anyone), him harming himself, etc. But I feel much more in control and free.

I'm thinking what I need is a chance to rebuild my life. I truly won't cope in an all types bunged in together hostel. I know it's horrible for anyone. I guess I'm choosing my situation over it but I'm aware other people have no choice. At least I know my partner. It's not impossible I'd be sharing bathroom and kitchen with other (unknown) abusers (ex-offenders are put in the same all purpose hostels). I'll sink in that setup. I think my only hope is to find a suitable refuge place well away from here. Then I'd have a chance of getting back on my feet. There's no guarantees, especially with my health, and I don't suppose it will be easy finding work with such a long gap on my CV. But it's worth trying. I just have to hope there's a space for me. I suppose I have to keep trying. I've been turned down several times as soon as they've asked where I live. I guess it takes time.

I hope I have the strength to do it if I find somewhere. I wish I could trust him not to hurt me. I think he genuinely cares and is making an effort. I think he half wants me well so I ease his financial burden by being back in work but part of him is scared I'll leave if I'm better. I think he's scared of being hurt/dumped so preempts it.

Thank you, Jux. I have telephone appointments with the GP but I suppose I could email or read off the bullet points. Doctors are overwhelmed though and I'm not sure what help they can give me, except perhaps not pressuring me about my pain meds. I'm scared to give more detail in case they contact the police/do the marac. I don't think I count as high risk but I don't want to chance it. They know there's been violence and the problems with me accessing treatment in the past. I suppose I can't ask to hold off on tapering off my pills in case I don't leave him. It will look like an excuse, drug seeking.

I'm trying to be strong.