Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

What do you think about those women who are 'Childless by Choice'?

226 replies

happycornishbird · 05/01/2018 14:34

I am hoping that you guys can help me. I am a 40 year childless woman but it's ok, I am ok with that. I am also trying to write a dissertation about the representations of women who choose not to have children.
I would love to hear some of your thoughts on this subject.

Do you feel sorry for women who choose not to have children? Do you think they will regret? Do you think it is a selfish decision?

The UK press seems to like to represent childless one in one of a few ways: as the lonely bitter perhaps crazy old lady, as the selfish career woman etc do you think this is fair?

Be honest! I would love to hear your thoughts!

OP posts:
grannytomine · 05/01/2018 17:19

I know several people who are childless, I know some want/wanted children but it never happened for them. The others? I have no idea and wouldn't ask. They seem to enjoy life, I don't really think anything about them being childless, none of my business.

BelligerentGardenPixies · 05/01/2018 17:20

I would only feel bad for a women if she was devastated by not having children but if it's a choice and she's happy, I think it's fantastic.

I actually think having women in a society who are not pouring their time and resources into childcare to be a positive thing.

Saw a childless friend today and she has an amazing life and is very fulfilled and whilst it wouldn't be my choice I don't think she is missing out and I don't judge her choices (and I'm a little bit jealous that she can decide on Boxing Day to go on an impromptu day trip without having to do twelvety hundred hours of organising and prep just to get everyone out of the house).

Different strokes for different folks and all that

minifingerz · 05/01/2018 17:21

There are times when I deeply envy them....

Shock
heateallthebuns · 05/01/2018 17:22

I don't judge them, it's their choice. I do feel a bit sorry for them though, and childless men. I feel they are missing out on such a fulfilling experience which I love so much myself. They may feel sorry for me missing out on something they love equally.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/01/2018 17:24

But you are being ShimmySham

Can’t you just be pleased for people doing what they want with their life?

Costacoffeeplease · 05/01/2018 17:24

Jeez, another one 🙄

ScreamingValenta · 05/01/2018 17:25

I am childfree by choice. What I find most annoying is when people I meet assume I must have children by virtue of my age (40s). E.g. I was on a work training course, and the female facilitator (obviously trying to make the course 'relatable') kept using parenting examples to illustrate her point, and looking conspiratorially over at me as she did so. Someone else I met complaining about her difficult pregnancy, and ending every statement about the symptoms with '... isn't it?' - as if I would have a clue.

MissWilmottsGhost · 05/01/2018 17:28

Someone upthread said men don't get judged for choosing not to have children, but I think they do as well, I've seen numerous threads on MN about meeting single, childless 40 something men and pondering so what's wrong with them? with the assumption there must be some secret evil about them Hmm

While I'm sure its very annoying for those who chose not to have children but people just go on as if they will do one day, my experience is quite the opposite. I was one of those who couldn't conceive and people always assumed I just didn't want to. No one seems to consider the possibility that I might have tried and failed. My career was never particularly important to me, it was just something to do while waiting to get pregnant......and waiting........and waiting, yet I got labelled a 'career woman' by everyone even if I did mention my health issues Confused

Choosing not to have children is a valid choice, but I do see it as an alternative choice. I am a biologist, though, so I do tend to see all living things as fundamentally reproductive in their nature, even though an individual of that species may not reproduce themself Smile

ShimmySham · 05/01/2018 17:29

Of course I can, Costa and I mean no offence. The OP asked people what they think about those who choose to be child-free and I am just being honest: I always have this underlying feeling that they are missing out but don't actually care because it's not my life! I'm just relating it back to my life I suppose. I'd be sad if I couldn't have children.
Of course equally I'm missing out on all the things I could be doing without children too, but of course I don't see it like that.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 05/01/2018 17:32

A person I know calls her daughter selfish. She wants grandchildren. Her daughter really doesn't at the moment. She thinks she would be a crap mum and enjoys the freedom too much. She doesn't like babies and has no interest in her cousins children (she was made to look after her younger cousins as a child; she also has been put under pressure to do things for her cousin's children - babysitting/nanny over holidays etc).

The daughter seems to be viewed as selfish for not doing what everyone else wants.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/01/2018 17:33

So don’t feel sorry for me, you enjoy parenthood, to me it would be torture, there’s nothing about it that I would want

Weezol · 05/01/2018 17:39

You are the Daily Mail and I claim my £5.

SweetChickadee · 05/01/2018 17:46

Oh trust me, the only one thinking we're missing out is you Grin

UrsulaPandress · 05/01/2018 17:55

BixieToms. It is hard to encapsulate 50 years of knowing someone in a short paragraph, but feel free to decide that I am nasty from one post.

stupid

grasspigeons · 05/01/2018 17:58

I wouldn't really think about it at all - although if, like this, I was specifically asked to, I might ponder if it was a free and happy choice or a free but difficult choice, or they didn't have an option at all.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 05/01/2018 18:00

I do often wonder about women who are childless by choice, and I do feel sad for them that they have never experienced motherhood.

Well, that's very sweet... but much as I love my niece & nephew I think I'd bloody hate motherhood, so don't worry about me.

I'm 44, childfree by choice & have never regretted it. I can see how happy motherhood makes some of my friends, & how much being childless hurts others, but I've simply never felt the urge to have kids myself. I've got close friends & family, plenty of hobbies & a career I love. I'm very happy.

SilverDoe · 05/01/2018 18:05

Maybe it’s something to do with my age (I’m only 24) but it is genuinely and honestly a complete non issue to me. If someone told me at whatever age that they were childless by choice, I would consider it a mildly interesting fact that helped build a picture of their life and values, similar to what hobbies they had etc.

I have 2 nearly under 2 and I can completely sympathise with why it’s not for everyone! Seriously though, I consider it a great success of feminism that not only a woman is not judged for not having children, but also that life has enough to offer women that they do not have to see settling down and having a family as the only path to happiness and fulfilment.

aishana · 05/01/2018 18:11

I envy happily childfree women because I'm unhappily childless at 41 (long story) & I may well not get to have a baby.

The problem is all I can think about is babies!!

So I would like to know how to be childless yet content & not bitter.

bigsighall · 05/01/2018 18:16

I’m child free by choice. No need to feel sorry for me... I have a great life Grin
When I hear things about the need to have children, I can’t relate. I’ve never been broody or had the feeling that I want a baby.

starzig · 05/01/2018 18:17

Possibly selfish. But I really couldn't be bothered with kids. Too much like hard work. Secretly celebrated early menopause.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/01/2018 18:19

Grin I happily celebrated an unexpected hysterectomy

Greensleeves · 05/01/2018 18:19

I don't think anything about them, as long as they aren't rude about my choices.

I do know a few who revel in posting #childlessbychoice every time they share pics of their holidays on FB, and go on about "crotch goblins" and "breeders". Which is very unpleasant.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/01/2018 18:20

That’s a shame aishana I hope you come to terms with your situation in time

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 05/01/2018 18:24

I envy happily childfree women because I'm unhappily childless at 41.

I'm so sorry, Aishana. This is why I always make the childless / childfree distinction. They're so very different.

The friends I spend most time with are all either childfree or have adult kids. I don't think any of us think about each other's procreation much one way or the other.

BonnieF · 05/01/2018 18:26

I'm child-free by choice, a situation which isn't going to change.

In 21st century developed societies having children is a lifestyle choice. I chose not to, and have no regrets. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Why? The reality is that I don't feel any need to explain or justify my choice to anyone except my DP. Nor do I feel the need to pander to other people's perception of what is 'normal' by saying 'I don't hate kids', 'I love my nieces' or other platitudes.

What I will say is that I have always known that being a parent wasn't for me. I understand that is not the case for most people, but I'm not 'most people'.

Swipe left for the next trending thread