What do you think about those women who are 'Childless by Choice'?

[happycornishbird]

I am hoping that you guys can help me. I am a 40 year childless woman but it's ok, I am ok with that. I am also trying to write a dissertation about the representations of women who choose not to have children.
I would love to hear some of your thoughts on this subject.

Do you feel sorry for women who choose not to have children? Do you think they will regret? Do you think it is a selfish decision?

The UK press seems to like to represent childless one in one of a few ways: as the lonely bitter perhaps crazy old lady, as the selfish career woman etc do you think this is fair?

Be honest! I would love to hear your thoughts!

Luxury I wasn't at all implying that you were sitting in epic judgement, I promise!

I was just meaning that the reproductive decisions of child-free women are subject to public scrutiny (i.e. you do fleetingly wonder if they wanted children but couldn't have them) much more than reproductive decisions of mothers. This is, of course, unless mothers have large numbers of children or multiple fathers which also doesn't conform to the "ideal woman/mother".

People don't wonder whether mothers "regret" their decisions but people do about non-mothers. If that makes sense!!

I also totally appreciate that mothers are subject to epic scrutiny elsewhere about their parenting practices!

I don't think I think anything at all - they can live their lives as they wish - no-ones's required to have children!

I am very much in the minority in my close friendship group, in that I have children. We range from mid 30’s to 50’s, the women who don’t have children have chosen not to.

We are all quite fortunate, have done well in our careers and most of us are in settled, happy relationships. All of the child free women are in long term, settled relationships of many years. None are ‘selfish’ (though I don’t think there’s much wrong with a bit of selfishness) and none are child hating, bitter crones or whatever the Daily Mail would have us believe. They are warm, funny, intelligent people who think children are fine (some even like children) but don’t want to have any of their own.

As for my thoughts about their decisions? I can’t say as I ever really think about their decision not to have children, certainly not on a day to day basis.

Do I think they’ll regret not having children? Impossible to say. In later life some people do regret not having children, but it’s the rose tinted image of the perfect children they would’ve had and the perfect parents they think they would’ve been. The reality of parenting isn’t rose-tinted. Sometimes it is really, relentlessly shitty, or sad, or infuriating, or BORING.

As for selfish decisions. No. Choosing not to have children is no more selfish than choosing to have them.

DuckOff I completely agree with you that a bit of selfishness is fine. As girls/women, we're brought up to constantly put people ahead of ourselves and judged on our ability to do so. I actually think resisting that and being selfish is a very admirable quality in a woman.

Yes, game.

I am child free by choice, 52 and post hysterectomy so that ship has definitely sailed. I am also perfectly happy with my life and can’t imagine having children. I don’t have a lot of patience, and don’t have nieces or nephews, so have never been around small children. To be completely honest, I don’t quite get why anyone would want to have children, because I never have wanted to

There's an implicit assumption here that motherhood is inevitable for women, our "natural" state if you like

It'd be nice to think that later generations will regard being child-free in the same light as being dog-free or conservatory-free, in that it is just as "natural" to not have one as to have one, and people should think carefully before acquiring one.

Right now it's closer to being car-free, in that it's accepted in some circles but in other circles it causes much eyebrow raising and assumptions that there must be something wrong with you.

I am childless not by choice but prefer to tell people it was my choice as that is so much easier than being given a lecture on all the things I should try and the inevitable 'Why don't you adopt?' Coz yeah, never thought of any of them in the 17 years I was trying did I?

I may get blasted for this but! I find it odd to not want children. I don't care if that's how people choose to live their lives, it's nothing to do with me but I felt the need for children very young although didn't act on it till older. But yeah I find it odd that a woman would not have the want for a child

They're just a woman who happens not to have children - not lesser, not better, just an equal... who probably gets to actually have a poo in peace (lucky fuckers on that front)

No, Miaow, I have a dog and a DH who both like to sit outside the open bathroom door while I poo.

Trills I'm child-free, conservatory-free and car-free by choice. What kind of a monster am I?

Leading questions much!

I know lots of female friends that aren't ever having children, each one an individual, each one a lovely person (Well, they're my friends), i don't judge them for not having children and they don't judge me for having them. Interestingly every single one of them (half a dozen or so) has horses.

I admire them. Very much.

I think it’s a very brave thing to do, to stand up against the herd and say no, actually, i don’t want them. It’s a tough thing to do, as 99.9% of women are assumed to want a family. They must get sick of the wait until the old clock ticks/you meet the right man crap.

Plus also that drip drip drip of “but you must want kids” i think often leads many women as they get older to think fuck, what if i regret it when it’s too late. I know it was like that for my mother.

Having children is the selfish act. Wanting to reproduce, recreate a mini you, have child to mould and carry on your genes.

In reality there are plenty of people on the planet already. Do we really need more?

I'm not sure any of my childless friends are that way through choice. I know three would have wanted but two couldn't and one is single. Another had an early hysterectomy but claims she never wanted children and the last is probably through choice but she had a bit of a toxic mother and an underage abortion which may have coloured her judgement.

As for being looked after in old age, surely that is something you do for the people you love?

Ursula

I'm not sure any of my childless friends are that way through choice. I know three would have wanted but two couldn't and one is single. Another had an early hysterectomy but claims she never wanted children and the last is probably through choice but she had a bit of a toxic mother and an underage abortion which may have coloured her judgement

Your friend (who had the hysterectomy) has told you that she never wanted children, so why do you doubt her being child-free is through choice? Your use of the word "claims" speaks volumes and it nasty. If the woman, your friend, told you this, why wouldn't you believe her?

As for being looked after in old age, surely that is something you do for the people you love?

It depends what you mean by "looked after". I love my mum but I won't be her full-time carer in old-age, I won't have her live with me, I won't go and live with her. I won't traipse up and down the country every weekend to visit her. Expecting children to do this (and having them because they might do this) is selfish and horrible. Adult children have their own lives to lead.
The suggestion above that nieces and nephews might do this sort of old age care is laughable.

GameOldBirdz

Did you read the whole of my post? 🙂 Of course you shouldn’t have children to have someone to look after you in old age. But I do have friends who are now a long way from the UK, living alone without younger family nearby and they do worry about the future. That’s not selfish.

Yes I read your post, I still don't get why having children would solve the problem of having someone to look after you in old age.

What if your children move to the other side of the world? What if they go NC with you? What if they become disabled themselves? What if they just don't want to take on the burden of caring for someone elderly?

Having children doesn't guarantee you will have someone to look after you in old age and neither should it.

Who is taking about full time care of parents/aunts and uncles?

I work full time and certainly can’t care for my parents, who are 76 mikes away. But I can get to them in a few hours in an emergency.

I think that the assumption that "all women want kids really" has led to a lot of women to have kids that they would have been happier without. Because someone told them nobody ever regrets having kids.

2 of my closest friends are currently single and both childless by choice.
I'm actually quite jealous. I think Dh and I would have been happier if we hadn't of had children. It's such hard work. Tougher than I imagined. Plus I wasn't actually very maternal. So maybe I should have done what they did?

GameOldBordz you are a monster with a dog as a baby substitute. Everyone knows that's what dogs are, to people without children.

I might have been childless by choice if I wasn't so fertile and my contraception hadn't failed . Personally I have never been maternal and I like having lots of time to myself so I can understand the desire not to take on the extra responsibility. I find it tiresome when people complain about the stress of having a big family which they planned. OTOH, after I had DC1, the emotions I felt towards him were unlike anything I've ever experienced and I don't think it's comparable to any other experience in life - just a very deep-seated, primitive sense of protection and pride. So I do think that's something that women miss out on if they don't have children. But then again, I would never have known it until I experienced it myself, and they won't ever know they missed it without having had a child.

I think that when I've spoken to women in later life (past menopause), there are fewer and fewer women who are childless truly by choice though - I am in my late 30s now and it turns out a lot of friends who seemed to be enjoying their childfree lifestyles did secretly want dc but actually had fertility issues/worked long hours so never met anyone/struggled with social interaction/MH issues so never formed lasting relationships/wanted to continue a pregnancy but felt they couldn't afford it.

I actually quite envy them. I love my children dearly and would die for them, but god they are hard work. I don't feel like I can ever move forward with my life as they constantly need me for something.

I envy the freedom of childless women, the freedom of being able to put yourself first.