What do you think about those women who are 'Childless by Choice'?

[happycornishbird]

I am hoping that you guys can help me. I am a 40 year childless woman but it's ok, I am ok with that. I am also trying to write a dissertation about the representations of women who choose not to have children.
I would love to hear some of your thoughts on this subject.

Do you feel sorry for women who choose not to have children? Do you think they will regret? Do you think it is a selfish decision?

The UK press seems to like to represent childless one in one of a few ways: as the lonely bitter perhaps crazy old lady, as the selfish career woman etc do you think this is fair?

Be honest! I would love to hear your thoughts!

Having children doesn't guarantee you will have someone to look after you in old age and neither should it.

I have elderly child free relatives. They have significant savings- two full time jobs until retirement, never needed more than a small bungalow, no expense of kids.

These savings are more than enough to pay for private round the clock care should they become infirm enough to need it.

There are nursing homes full of elderly people. Far more than there are living with their children. My relatives way of looking after their old age is infinitely better than investing in children!

Personally I don't like childfree because it implies that children are a bind, and I don't agree with that. Can see why people without children don't like childless either though.

When I meet women in their 40s and above who don't have children through choice I think fair enough it's their choice. But when I meet younger women who say they don't want children I do wonder if they will change their mind.

My best friend never wanted children and hasn't had any. She was adamant about it at 14 and has never wavered, she still feels the same way at 45. She has been a 'step mother' for 25 years (though they are not much younger than her) and has several little nieces and nephews, so she has had plenty of experience of kids of all ages, which she enjoys, but she never felt the slightest desire for a child of her own.

Never wanted 'em - never had 'em. Sterilised at 29.

'Blessed' is an over-used term these days, but I do feel blessed that I live at a time when I was able to choose not to have children. A choice that has not been available to the vast majority of women throughout history. I'm amazed that more women don't take advantage of this astonishing luxury.

'Child-free' really is the apposite term in my case: that boundless reassurance and sense of calm that comes from knowing that nothing really matters, because I don't have to fret about the future of this earth how my offspring will fare in it. No one will shed a tear at my passing, and that's just how I want it.

It’s not about who does the physical care. It is about actually having someone in the world who’s interested in you.

The harsh fact is that as you age, your peers die off. Pretty well all my father’s work colleagues of a similar are dead now.

When friends your age start dying off you still need companionship and someone to talk to by phone or email or whatever. So you need younger people in your life, a younger generation in your family or younger friends (I mentioned younger friends in my post). My mother’s 80 and, touch wood, fit and mentally alert. A growing number of her similarly aged friends are not. If she didn’t have younger people in her life — neighbors and people she met at various clubs — she would be very lonely.

I did not mean that people should have children to care for them in their homes and never said that.

But it is a fact that paid-for carers ar probably not going to be the people you ring if you want to share something quite trivial but funny (squirrels are back on the garage roof) or for a reminder of how to use google maps. And sadly many of my parents’ friends are too mentally or physically frail to be able to help with retuning the tv via FaceTime. So they ring or message me or my children. Who also live hundreds of miles away and will not be caring for me as far as any of us have ever planned or considered, but do not regard it as an affront to show an interest in my wellbeing.

If this is intended to gather data for your dissertation, you should be asking people's permission. If the data was already in the public domain it would be different - you have specifically started a thread though with leading questions. Has the ethics committee at your university approved this as part of your research?

I think the whole “all women are are programmed to want children” thing is akin to sexuality I.e. it’s an innate desire in some women in the same way heterosexuality is but homosexuality is innate in others so you are what you are and nothing will (nor indeed should) change that.

I wanted children. Was lucky to have them. I know some childless women, only 1 has told me it was through choice. Ive known her many years and she talked about it a lot over the years. The others I suspect some would have liked children but it didn’t happen for them. I would never ask.

If I met a childless woman past child bearing age I wouldn’t think much of it, other than I suppose if it came up in conversation to hope that it had been circumstances of her choice rather than misfortune.

When friends your age start dying off you still need companionship and someone to talk to by phone or email or whatever.

Having children just so you have someone to share trivial observations with when you're in your dotage strikes me as the very definition of a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Yes, you are right. Most family relationships are trite and silly. And inter generational bonds are not worth preserving.

Don’t bother having younger friends, you will just bore them brainless. Check yourself into a home or better still, Dignitas.

We had kids later in life and had/have a lot of friends without kids from our hobbies and active holidays we’ve taken etc. I just don’t see it as a thing now. I probably have at least one child-free friend for every two who have kids.
Many are academics, some are lesbian, most are very active in outdoor sports and/or world travel. They all have fantastic lives.

Is that for me, Abra1d?

I do have family relationships. And friends. But we're not talking about that, are we? We're talking about having children.

I hope to god you've all let your children know that they will be expected to be on call 24/7 when you feel a bit bored in your old age.

Completely honestly I feel sorry for them. I KNOW that's wrong. I don't think they're selfish though.

That question just makes me question the point of having children. I don't know the answer to that either as it's society's way of defining parenthood as the next chapter in your life after finding someone to have babies with. Anything that breaks from the norm is judged

I’m jealous of them. I’m infertile. I know statistically at this point I won’t have children. I really wish I could be ok with that

I've not got a problem with it, it's their life.

you are what you are and nothing will (nor indeed should) change that.

I think for many people it's really not the case though.

You might feel quite lukewarm about the whole thing, like you might like it or might not like it but you're not entirely sure.

Unfortunately it's not a thing you can "try out".

Our society considers that having children is the correct and normal thing, so most of the people who feel lukewarm will have children, and the only people you see who choose not to are those who have been adamant about it since they were young.

I think the above is true for sexuality too, except that who you sleep with is something you can try out. I expect we'll see many more people saying "I am bisexual" as it becomes more acceptable to explore and try things out. Whereas in the past anyone who could suppress their homosexual feelings would do so (and perhaps even deny it to themselves) so only those who were absolutely adamant and could not live any other way were "out".

I'm a bit jealous of all their time, money and sleep.

I'm 45 and (I think) an unusually large number of my close friends are child free. I think different things in relation to each circumstance:

friend 1 would have liked children but is single and never met the right man. The no child thing is a bit of a shame but she's made sure she lives a great lifestyle full of fun and lovely activities so it is easy to feel envious of her lifestyle, not sympathy for lack of children.

friend 2 hasn't had a series of long term relationships so could have had children but situation was never right to have a child. She is obsessed with her pets as a result and treats them better than many treat their children.

A third friend married at about 35 knowing that her husband absolutely didn't want children. She accepted it and once commented that though she had hoped to have children, she felt that she would be unlikely to meet anyone else with whom to have children at that age anyway. This situation is a bit sad I think. She would have made a great mum too. You never see any sadness or anything though, she, again, lives a full and fun life.

A fourth friend is also married and she and her husband made a conscious decision not to have children, they just felt they didn't want them enough to go for it. This is the easiest situation, good for her, entirely her choice and decision. I don't see any regrets.

A fifth friend was married and desperately wanted children but was unable to. Her husband eventually left and had a child with someone else. That is a very sad situation.

About half of my female friends are childfree in their 40s and it can probably be assumed that they won't have children now.

We largely don't talk about it. There are a lot of things to talk about that don't involve children. Tons.

Before I had children I didn't talk about having them or really think about them much. When I go out with friends without children we go back to that. Very refreshing for me.

From the outside they are mostly having interesting, busy, fulfilled lives. I've no reason not to believe that's not the case.

I think they have every right to make their own decision about whether to have children or not. Regardless of what those reasons are, it's nobody else's business.

A very good friend of my mine is 'childless by choice' (as an aside what an awful sounding phrase) she lives kids though makes a big fuss of mine. And she just seems to have a shit load of money! That's due to a small mortgage as well as no kids. She goes in so many holidays too - I'm reyt jealous! My only fear is (as I am definitely on my last pregnancy) she's going to wait til I've finished my baby rearing then change her mind and start having kids - which WOULD be selfish and rude when I want to start going out dancing again 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's not my business if someone chooses to be a parent or not. But if I'm absolutely honest, I do often wonder about women who are childless by choice, and I do feel sad for them that they have never experienced motherhood. Obviously I would never say this to anyone, and I wouldn't question their choices any more than I would expect them to question mine, I'm just being honest about what it evokes in me. I also probably wouldn't think the same about a childless man, which is a terrible double standard!

Why should anyone feel sorry for me, for not having something I don’t want?

How patronising

I'm just saying how it makes me feel, right or wrong. I don't mean to be patronising or crass, Costa.