What do you think about those women who are 'Childless by Choice'?

[happycornishbird]

I am hoping that you guys can help me. I am a 40 year childless woman but it's ok, I am ok with that. I am also trying to write a dissertation about the representations of women who choose not to have children.
I would love to hear some of your thoughts on this subject.

Do you feel sorry for women who choose not to have children? Do you think they will regret? Do you think it is a selfish decision?

The UK press seems to like to represent childless one in one of a few ways: as the lonely bitter perhaps crazy old lady, as the selfish career woman etc do you think this is fair?

Be honest! I would love to hear your thoughts!

It is interesting though, that the idea that having children is normal is so entrenched in our minds that "not having children" can be seen as "life-changing". When it's the having children that changes your life.

Yes, it is. It emphasises that having them is seen as the default, deciding not to is veering from the expected life-path.

I don't think it's an issue is it? Your body, your choice.

My dsis doesn't have any children out of choice, beside a few nosy aunties at family functions she's never been questioned about it.

It makes me feel sad in some cases where it isn't through choice and it ends up coming in between people, like with me and sil.

Sil has never gotten pregnant, she made the choice no to go for any 'tests' etc. but does still hope for a bfp. She is 43 now.

We were both very close before, especially while I was also struggling with having dc (no problem getting pregnant, but multiple early mc's and one late mc)

But then I lucked out and had dd and ds. And our relationship changed almost immediately after dd was born. I tried everything I could think of, tried being respectful and giving her space when she said she needed it, tried involving her when she said she was ready etc.

But she got increasingly agitated and bitter, started slagging me off to mil and refusing to see us or dc.

And I really did understand why at first but thought it would get better with time maybe. I understood because I felt that exact same anger when my friends were having babies (but I wasn't) ,but I did learn to put it aside and be happy for them eventually.

It is such a horrible feeling of unfairness and bitterness, and I Think it can destroy you if you let it.

I think either choice is fine. They are different lives but there's lots I'd love about both. The only thing I find hard to cope with is the few friends who are so blasé about having children. 2 close friends are approaching 40, both are in long term secure relationships and own lovely homes. But they say things like " I'm not sure if I'm ready to have children yet", or " I can't decide whether to have children or not". Other friends really struggle with fertility so I'm worried that they will leave it too late to make the decision. But it's not my place to tell them that either. And I hate being the one to say " don't leave it too late" like a nosy old aunt.

@trills I think the continuation of a species is pretty normal... evolutionary speaking...but then again I think you are perhaps now trying to find an argument where there isn't one to be had.

Both are fine choices.

If I meet a woman (or a man) who don’t have children and they are past the age of having them, I don’t ponder on it too much but I might wonder if it were by choice or not. I always hope it was by choice as i know the sadness people (men and women) can feel if they wanted children and for whatever reason couldn’t / didn’t have them. I have no judgement about the choice itself, I honestly could have been happy either way, with or without children so I in no way think life is lacking if you don’t have them. In fact, there are lots of things that I imagine are better for not having children.

I'm really not trying to have any argument, I'm making observations on how we speak about the choices people make and the underlying assumptions that are revealed.

@trills 👍

Do you feel sorry for women who choose not to have children? Do you think they will regret? Do you think it is a selfish decision?

I don't feel sorry for women who choose not to have children. I admire them and in some ways am jealous. As much as I love my dd I miss my old freedom! I don't like that woman get judged for not having children, so I feel sorry for them in that respect, but I also don't like that woman who have children get judged for whether they work outside the home or not, amongst other things.

I don't know whether they will regret it...really depends on the individual woman and the path her life takes.

Is choosing to not have children a selfish decision? It is selfish in that the woman is choosing not to have children for her own personal reasons, but in the same way choosing to have children is selfish. Thinking about yourself and what you want/need and what will work best for you - being selfish - isn't fundamentally bad. Some women may feel they are not cut out to be a parent for whatever reason, in which case I'd say choosing to not have children is actually an unselfish choice.

I don't feel sorry for any woman who has made a decision over her own body and life, why would I?

My sister and her dh are childless by choice, and I respect their decision. It has definite advantages, that I can see - they have more disposable income than we have, and can go on holiday where and when they want. I can see why they chose to make that decision, and why they are happy with it, 20 years into the marriage.

I am happy to have our dses - it was the right decision for us - but that doesn’t make it the right decision for everyone, and I respect that.

Sorry should clarify where I said "admire them" I mean for going against the grain and sticking to their choice.

I think they've chosen a simple life where they are free of guilt and worry. Nothing wrong with that. I'm a little jealous

I haven't read the thread, just answering OP.

I don't give childless by choice women much thought. Horses for courses. You miss out on how great kids can be but have all that independence.

And money!!

What do I think about women who are childless by choice? They're childless by choice. Good for them!

I think since the universality of birth control, women have had choices about their reproductive life, and attitudes have changed towards women who have, and have not had children as a result of that environment, and choices,

Years ago women were expected to marry, be a helpmeet to their husband, and bear his children as their only purpose of their lives. You were a spinster, left ‘on the shelf’ if unmarried at 24.

Now, we have choices about our lives which even a hundred years ago would have seemed unbelievable.

So we should shout hurray for women’s emancipation, the vote, financial power, and reproductive rights. Now all we have to work on is equal pay and ensuring those hard won rights aren’t eroded.

Having had the journey or not wanting children, in my 20s and 30s to having fertility problems, late 30s to having a child at last, I can say I understand everyone’s opinion.

Personally, I’m glad I had a child: I think menopause would have been hard for me without having tested “the equipment” at least.
But when we started thinking about invasive assisted reproductive methods, I was happy to be childfree in future. I didn’t want to go that route.
Our baby was conceived naturally the night we made the decision not to step onto the IVF route, ironically enough, and I found I was really intensely ecstatic to discover I was pregnant, which surprised me.

I’ve found that being a mother suits me, and I’m also delighted to have found that contrary to my fears about losing my identity in nappy valley, my independence, or ambition, and drive, I’ve not diminished myself in any way by being a mum - that I’m still “me” if a little bit different - like a mirror image of myself is the same image, just me from a different perspective.

Good luck with your paper OP, and your decisions in your life.
Please pm me if you want to quote me: I don’t hold with plagiarism —or lazy journalism—

Women who are older than me, that I know who are childless by choice would have made lovely mums. I have complicated feelings about that because I have an abusive mother. She always told me she didn't want children and she really shouldn't have had children. I think my inner child wants them to adopt me.
Women who are my peer group I don't think anything about it. That is the choice my mum should have had the courage to make. Any time you go against the norm you can be marginalised. I think of Jennifer Anniston and Cameron Diaz and think why not? Their lives satisfy them. I can't think of many people who'd call them dried up. It's down to good looks as Theresa May definitely gets a hard time for not having children.

From reading further, the women I know have told me they didn't want children. I'd never assume or ask as it's none of my business!

I have nothing but but respect for them unlike women who have kids and do nothing but grumble

I don't get this "feeling sorry" or "respect", it's just "as it is" for me.

I do not feel sorry at all and it's certainly not selfish. Regret, I don't know , maybe in some cases.
I only know one childless woman, my neighbour in her 60s. She chose to remain childless and then when she changed her mind in her late thirties she had fertility troubles and it never happened. She has no husband now, no children and her small amount of family are abroad so she says she regrets never having a child or a family around her now she is older. She gets great joy from my children and we invite her round often to spend time around them.
She is one case though I'm sure there are many many content child free women

If it was genuinely their choice not to have kids then I think 'good for them'. If it was for other reasons and they would have had children given the right circumstances then i feel sorry for their pain and hope life has given them different opportunities that have been fulfilling.

The concept ' didn't want 18 years of someone being dependent, like a relaxed morning, kids stuff bores me' is a reason for many to be child free. Basically don't want to live with a kid - so don't have one. Quite content.

BTW an interview I read with Theresa May said that she and her husband are childless, I.e. not by choice. Which is why leadsom's smugness at a functioning uterus was so offensive. You do have to tread carefully as also it isn't just women who might not have been able to have wanted children.

Each to their own really,ive never given it a thought tbh ,it's not any of my business

I think id be as happy but it would be a different happy. I would need a partner if i had no kids.