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What do you think about those women who are 'Childless by Choice'?

226 replies

happycornishbird · 05/01/2018 14:34

I am hoping that you guys can help me. I am a 40 year childless woman but it's ok, I am ok with that. I am also trying to write a dissertation about the representations of women who choose not to have children.
I would love to hear some of your thoughts on this subject.

Do you feel sorry for women who choose not to have children? Do you think they will regret? Do you think it is a selfish decision?

The UK press seems to like to represent childless one in one of a few ways: as the lonely bitter perhaps crazy old lady, as the selfish career woman etc do you think this is fair?

Be honest! I would love to hear your thoughts!

OP posts:
ApplesTheHare · 05/01/2018 18:28

I hope they're happy with their choice and understand why they've made it. I have a child but disagree with having children being portrayed as something everyone will enjoy and should do. It's clearly not for everyoneSmile

ItMadeMyEyesWater · 05/01/2018 18:31

My DIL and DS don't want children, which means I'll never be a GM, as my other DS had testicular cancer, and can't father children. I am perfectly okay with this, as they are themselves, so it isn't a problem.

WinchestersInATardis · 05/01/2018 18:33

I don't really think about it much. If it's their choice, then I don't much care.
Parenthood can be lovely and rewarding but it's also expensive and time consuming and exhausting. Very much a personal choice and none of my business.

mumof2sarah · 05/01/2018 18:36

Such a strong passionate dissertation OP 👏🏻

I think it's entirely up to each and every person what and how they want to live.

But... and I hope this isn't a bad thing. When I hear someone doesn't have children I always do think "I wonder if that's a person choice or a health reason" I know that's a very nosey thought to have but I am slightly nosey in that sense. I don't feel sorry like "awww that's a shame" for anyone. As long as they are living a happy life that's all that matters.

mumof2sarah · 05/01/2018 18:43

Family friends who we called aunt and uncle chose not have children. She had a job working within the NHS that she loved even doing very long shifts and he had his own business. I did speak to auntie about it one after we'd had a few glasses of wines and I got emotional talking about my decision to not have any more due to health difficulties and she said her DP loved his job and loved coming home to an empty quiet relaxing night and she enjoyed the same, they never missed having children in their life as she had us lot and she worked with children at the hospital and she still had her space when she needed it. She said she always thinks she sounds selfish talking about it but she never had the urge and she has had such a lovely life. I sometimes, when having really bad days feel slightly jealous 🙈

Ragwort · 05/01/2018 18:46

I don't give it much thought in the sense that 'being a parent' isn't a major deal to me - ie: some people like to say 'being a parent is the most important thing in my life' or even worse 'I wouldn't have felt fulfilled if I hadn't become a mother' .

The fact that someone is a parent is just a small part of the whole person, it doesn't make them any more, or any less interesting as an individual.

I absolutely don't think not having children is 'selfish' - I actually believe it is profoundly selfish to have a child and to feel the need to 'recreate' yourself.

And I do think far too many people have children just because they automatically think it is the thing to do without giving careful and conscientious thought about whether or not they would make good parents.

LemonysSnicket · 05/01/2018 19:11

I don’t feel sorry for them at all. I sometimes wonder if they’d wished they had children later on but I’m sure many are very happy this way. I also don’t think it’s really a big deal.
I do think they’re probably much better off financially and career wise.

I have a friend who doesn’t want children ... cool for her, she’s said she’ll just be the cool auntie to my kids (when I have them) but gets to leave when she wants Grin

Chocolaterainbows · 05/01/2018 19:21

Times are changing. Women are designed to have children, but this is not enough for everyone. Some women want more and I don't blame them.

Trills · 05/01/2018 19:26

Women are not "designed" to do anything.

ScreamingValenta · 05/01/2018 19:28

Oops, design fault here I think Hmm.

Chocolaterainbows · 05/01/2018 19:30

Sorry if I offended. What I meant is that our bodies are designedI to carry babies, which as a woman they generally are??

SilverDoe · 05/01/2018 19:32

Ragwort

I completely agree about having children being a small part of someone’s, not necessarily life, but identity as an individual.

And completely the reverse of being judged for choosing to not have children, I struggled after the birth of my first daughter to reconcile motherhood with who I was, for quite a while, before realising that there doesn’t need to be a compromise. I felt for a while I had become “a mum” and that was that. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling and I rejoiced after the birth of my second when I immediately bounced back after pregnancy to feeling my own person again.

It doesn’t mean I don’t adore my children with all my heart, but I’m my own person.

Sorry to derail a bit there Blush

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 05/01/2018 19:33

When I hear someone doesn't have children I always do think "I wonder if that's a person choice or a health reason.

When I hear someone's having children I always do think "I wonder if they've really thought that through?"

MrsMozart · 05/01/2018 19:34

No thoughts. It's nowt to do with me.

ScreamingValenta · 05/01/2018 19:36

No offence taken, just that coupled with your 'this is not enough for everyone' it seemed rather a dogmatic thing to say. It also suggests a limitation for women who do have children that isn't necessarily there. Plenty of women with children have far more successful careers than I'll ever have, for instance.

oliviapopeswineglass · 05/01/2018 19:39

I think good for them, it's no one else's business or life but theirs.

clumsyduck · 05/01/2018 19:39

I don't really think anything , possibly as I get older I might if I have friends that remain childless but I certainly wouldn't think negatively .

I love being a mum and genuinely love my son more than anything but also I'm very much still just me , I don't buy into all this being a mummy is the most important job in the world stuff . I don't see it as a lifestyle as such like some women seem to ( each to their own though , that's just me ) I had a baby like millions of other women I also have lots of other things that make up who I am . I also enjoy free time and don't feel guilty about it

What I do hate though and have noticed child free people ( some people obviously they don't represent everyone ) commenting sometimes on Facebook or other websites is the absolute vile language they use to describe children and mothers

SnowyChristmasWish · 05/01/2018 19:40

I admire their ability to make the right decision for them and stick to it. I have DC and so I know it’s not for the faint hearted. I think they r very sensible to not attempt it if they don’t think it’s for them.

Chocolaterainbows · 05/01/2018 19:59

ScreamingValenta

That's not what I meant Smile
What I'm trying to say, and being terrible at it. Is that I think in general, for many years, women have thought that this is all they are meant to do. Almost that they can't or shouldn't want more. There are some very lucky ladies that can do both brilliantly,children and career. Most seem to have to choose one or the other.

LadyLovelace · 05/01/2018 23:00

If I met a child free woman over the age of 45 I probably would wonder if it was through choice or whether her health/health of her partner meant it hadn’t happened. I’d always hope it was through choice as infertility is a very sad and lonely place. I’d never be so rude as to ask as it’s clearly none of my business but if I knew it was through choice I wouldn’t give it any further thought or think any more about it. Thankfully we live in a country where women still have autonomy over their own bodies including their own reproductive system.

I cannot understand the concept of feeling sorry for people who choose to be childfree. They’ve chosen not to do something they don’t want to do. Presumably a large % of them are actually fertile so the choice was open to them and they decided it wasn’t for them. The concept of feeling sorry for someone who chose the life they wanted over the life they didn’t seems bizarre! Confused

ScreamingValenta · 05/01/2018 23:13

@Chocolaterainbows I understand what you mean Smile. I hadn't realised you were talking more about historical/ingrained expectations; apologies if I seemed defensive!

ScreamingValenta · 05/01/2018 23:18

Ladylovelace I agree. I think asking someone why they are childfree is almost akin to asking a pregnant friend whether or not their baby was planned - you might wonder, but you wouldn't be so rude as to ask.

Chocolaterainbows · 05/01/2018 23:19

ScreamingValenta

No worries x I knew what I was trying to say but after a couple of glasses of wine felt I wasn't making any sense Grin

Ihatepeelingoranges · 05/01/2018 23:23

Why would it be selfish not to have kids? Who says you have to have kids? I have children and always wanted to be a mother. That's my choice, some women are just born with maternal instinct, others not I'm afraid. I could not imagine a life without children. But then I again I do wonder those who choose not to have kids once they reach 45-50, whether they will look back and regret?

It's easy to be young and say I don't want kids, because there so many things they wanna do. But what about when they done what they wanted to do?

TheScottishPlay · 05/01/2018 23:24

Out of six of us who have been friends from school two have two children, two have one child and two have none. All but one by choice.
I don't know if this is average but I certainly know we all have fulfilling, busy and different lives.

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