What do you think about those women who are 'Childless by Choice'?

[happycornishbird]

I am hoping that you guys can help me. I am a 40 year childless woman but it's ok, I am ok with that. I am also trying to write a dissertation about the representations of women who choose not to have children.
I would love to hear some of your thoughts on this subject.

Do you feel sorry for women who choose not to have children? Do you think they will regret? Do you think it is a selfish decision?

The UK press seems to like to represent childless one in one of a few ways: as the lonely bitter perhaps crazy old lady, as the selfish career woman etc do you think this is fair?

Be honest! I would love to hear your thoughts!

They always have a cat or two.
Seriously i love my kids but had i not had them my life would in some ways be easier and more selfish. I would do as I like more. But i think id be lonely

I wouldn't say anything but I'd think it strange if a couple was childless by choice. Unless they were older when they met and I could understand it then. But a couple together since they were young and deciding never to have children. I find that hard to understand. Not saying it's not a valid choice but I can't think why they would make that decision.

Depends of they have tattoos or not

I've just turned thirty five and I'm a mother to five children, I've been a mother since I was twenty two.
Of course I understand the decision not to have children, I possibly understand it more than women who have the seemingly requisite one or two.
Not because I personally regret my assumed profligate reproduction but because of my choice in that direction. If I have chosen to have five then I'm sure that others can choose to have none, entirely of their own volition and to be satisfied with their decision.

I'm sure that many would argue that we live in such a society which denotes a pseudo prescriptive approach to childbearing but realistically there will always be the outliers. Some of us choose a brood and some of us choose to have none.

What's so difficult to understand?

@Ihatepeelingoranges

'Selfish' arguments I have heard have been:

• Not contributing to a younger generation that will financially support my generation through pensions when we are retired
• Not providing parents/in-laws with grandchildren (not said by my own parents or in-laws)
• Setting myself up to be a burden on the system because I won't have any children to take care of me when I'm elderly

My counter arguments are:

• My taxes are still (very willingly) funding the education of the younger generation; also maternity benefits and healthcare for those who have children.
• My DPs and in-laws have no complaints
• It isn't guaranteed that people's children will be willing/able to take care of them in old age; and to have children solely to provide care for myself would in itself be selfish.

I am in my 20s and do not see myself wanting to have children. I work with children/young people and thoroughly enjoy it, they are fascinating and to see them grow and progress is a wonderful thing, but I have simply never had the urge to have a baby and when I think about my future I never see myself pregnant or with children.

As a child and young teenager I remember thinking at some point in my adult life I was just going to have to 'bite the bullet' almost and get pregnant, as that's what women did, and felt a huge sense of dread about it. Then when I was about 16/17 it sort of dawned on me that of course I didn't HAVE to do anything, and when I thought about what I wanted from life children were not on the list.

I'm single currently and the only thing I worry about is that it might make it harder to find a partner/husband, as obviously most people do want children and it just isn't something you can compromise on.

I don't think anything of it. I always wanted children and was very lucky to be able to have some. A coupe of my friends never wanted children and so didn't. I honestly don't think anything of it. I don't think they're selfish; anything but! Selfish would be to have them because of feeling pressured into it but not really wanting them.

I do sometimes wonder if people know what having children really means. I get the impression from my many child-free friends that I'm only allowed moan about my children ( and only briefly- one must not mention boring children at work for example). I would never say for example that I wake 30 minutes early every day for 5 years so that I have time in the morning to kiss my daughters hair.
Likewise many of my friends who have children complain that no one told them how hard it would be!
I'm not sure if I have a point! Just that people call it a choice but that choice can never be fully informed. It's always only a guess in the dark.

Slanetaylor I will say that joining MN has opened my eyes to some of the realities of having children! But like you say, no one can ever know what it would have been like to make a different choice.

I sometimes wonder about all women who are childless by choice, for some was it really a choice? Did they not meet the right man on time? Did their career get in the way? I have an aunt now in her 80's who is on hospital never married and has no children and it looks like she is going to have to go to a nursing home, she only has her sister and a few nieces and nephews. I wonder now if she would like to have a family herself, possibly could live with one of them etc? I have friends who just haven't met the right guy and are starting to come to terms with the idea of never having children, I have friends who have tried for years to have children but haven't been successful, it's very hard to know what's going on behind the scenes? I have another friend who always said she would never have children, she has since had two but her fear around having children was because her dh's side of the family have done special needs and she was terrified of having a child with special needs. My neighbour's have no children but love to see ours coming but they have nice cars, holidays etc but they live kids so I wonder was it a choice. I accept that there is some women who are happy to never have children but personally my children make me smile and laugh every day, and I wouldn't change that for anything in the world. Priorities change with children.

I haven’t read the whole thread.

I don’t much care whether some women decide not to have children. But what I do tend to notice, and I’m sure I’m going to get totally flamed, is that the child-free women who I know are somehow different emotionally. Not necessarily more or less mature emotionally but definitely different. Again, I’m just talking about the handful of women I knke, but they are sometimes less mature in their relationships with, and expectations of, others. Good or bad, something changes when you have a baby and I think there is a difference between parents and non-parents on an emotional and maybe psychological level.

Not sure I’ve articulated this particularly well and no offence intended.....

Sheetypants Not flaming you, but interested in your observation and would like to understand - do you have any examples showing how they are emotionally different? You mention this is in relation to specific friends - what sort of age group are they?

I don't think my friends are different emotionally but I might say they have more energy for emotions maybe? They could over analyse conversations they've had that I literally wouldn't have had time to even register.

I'm not equating busying with being better either. Analysing conversations is a better use of time than combing for nits I'd say.

I definitely don't think child free women are selfish! It's a valid life choice, just as having children is.

I am mid 30's and have one child, it took me a long time to get there. I was very much on the fence about kids. I love him more than anything and I am so glad I have him, but my life would have been equally fabulous had a chosen not to have a child.

I have several child free friends and I have absolutely no negative feelings at all, in fact I am often jealous of their freedom, the ability to concentrate completely on their careers, hobbies, holidays, money etc!

It's impossible to say whether someone will regret not having children because it's a massive generalisation. Some will, some won't, it all depends on individual circumstances.

No woman should feel as if it is their 'purpose' in life to become a mother because society deems it necessary. That is just complete crap and I feel sorry for women who have to continually defend their decision not to have children, as if they are some kind of social misfit.

Live your life the way that you want to, don't conform because you think it's the 'done thing'. Parenthood is wonderful but it certainly does not come without drawbacks. I think a lot of people actually do it for the wrong reasons and regret it. I applaud anyone who has made the decision not to have children and is happy and content with their decision.

After reading some of the posts on this thread, I am wondering while those posters who are childless by choice joined up to Mumsnet? The name of the forum implies it's for mum's?

Yes, I think it is in some people's natures to become heavily involved in emotional issues, and where a person of that nature has children, that might be a natural outlet - where they don't, it will express itself in other ways, and they have more spare mental energy to direct to other emotional things. It does depend on the personality type, though.

jpclarke You don't have to spend long here to see that there are plenty of topics/threads that aren't related to parenting . Like many others, I found Mumsnet by chance when googling something, and quickly got engrossed in some AIBUs. I then discovered the Litter Tray and the Dog House ...

Different ages, between 30-60 and different reasons for not having children. All are a bit needy when it comes to their own parents for example. They expect more from their parents somehow and are often quicker to be upset or react emotively to things.

I often wonder if this is because they are still the child. Whereas a lot of parents I know feel their primary role now is as a parent, not as a child. Something shifted when they became parents and the focus moved from themselves/their parents to their children.

Various life moments shape and define people, experiences result in us learning and developing, in good and bad ways, and if you don’t have children that will be an experience that cannot shape you. The love, the selflessness, the worry, the fear, the stress, the tenderness that occur specifically related to having a child are things you can sense and understand when talking to other parents. A non-parent may experience those feelings but not in the same context, and I think sometimes you can really feel that from non-parents. Again, not saying it’s a bad thing but in a very subtle level, there are differences.

FFS this again

Can those without children not contribute to travel, style and beauty, pets etc without being parents

Jeez

I don't judge and respect people's wishes to remain child free. I think their experience of life is different without children. For me personally I would not be satisfied without my children. Culturally being Asian it is an alien thing to hear about women being child free by choice. I have never ever met and Asian woman in the UK or abroad who has willingly been child free by choice but having children is so steeped in our culture I think a lot of is ingrained from birth.

People can be useful and make contributions to society without children anyway.

CookieDoughKid That's really interesting. Thinking about it, it's certainly true in my circles - I don't know any Asian women who are married, but don't have children or are TTC. Out of interest, would you say there is an equal expectation in your culture for men to marry/father children; or would it be regarded as OK for a man to remain single (into middle/old age) and child free?

After reading some of the posts on this thread, I am wondering while those posters who are childless by choice joined up to Mumsnet?

Feminism. Mumsnet's feminist section is celebrated (or hated) as one of the best places on the web for gender-critical discussion. And the running threads.

It's very interesting that so many people wonder about women without children.

Oh FFS yup childfree women are all selfish 'career women' - funny how 'career msn' isn't a thing - or tragicallyinfertile but desperately wanted DC, or are invisible unwanted sad eccentric cat ladies.

Similarly i was asked out by a 49yr old man with no kids. Someone said to me not to bother since there was obviously something wrong with him to have none. I dont think womens attractiveness due to being childfree is negatively viewed. In fact i think it makes them more attractive to men.

Of course there are differences Sheetypants and thank goodness for them