Gin and a moat

[paxillin]

Not by one of the Queens this time... But we can drink here.

Schedenfreude? Too much booze, Quaan.

No, the peas. On the hearth. And the sick in schadenfraude's brew or whatever you were banging on about. Easily fixed, I'm sure and no reason at all to denounce violence. Especially because I'm hungry

I'll use this football sized purple egg for an omelette, shall I? Can't crack it, where's the guillotine? What sort of egg is this, so many oviparous creatures in Mortificado!

No no no don't eat that.

For ... reasons.

How dare you complain about my booze when you are prepared to SPIT in a kebab!

Needs must. Unless you can grow artificial legs in your shed for kebabing?

Alright there y'highness?

No can do on the old egg front, we've got a Mortificado Protection Order for the unborn host signed in triplicate and filed three weeks ago.

And we can't grow artificial body parts again, forbidden under the unification act of 1681. We don't want to awaken The One again do we?

Well that depends, is he edible?

Not according to the Sacred Plinth y'grace.

Who wrote the plinth? Maybe that's just what he wants you to think. Unless there's a full list of ingredients I'm not buying it.

Hm, no body parts. Can we grow the fascial compartments and re-assemble them on the spit?

Thing is, Schadenfreude does not tend to write applications for ethical approval before her projects anyway and once it is eaten and duly processed you'd have no idea what it was anyway.

Barry has legs. And if we eat one he won't be able to do much about it when we make the omlette anyway.

Does he hop fast?

No, not at all. Terrible balance. The three legged race of '98 was a tragedy, people died.

Perhaps best if we don't remove a leg then. Can we promote him so he's out of the way? Where do people from Legal go on promotion?

I don't know, it's never come up. Usually they move into embezzlement and early retirement but since munny crashed that's not really been an option. We just pay them in spoons now.

I wasn't suggesting increasing his salary. Just give him a grander title and a shiny new name badge. What about "God", do you think he'd like that?

I think we've already got one of those. Not that she does anything around here mind you. All powerful my arse, that tap has been leaking for a month and she won't return my calls about it. GodMortifauxcado has a ring to it doesn't it? About time I had my own legacy that doesn't set fire to its own farts, looking at you Benson.

The writing on the plinth is in Sharpie - I'm not sure just how official it is.

And Pax - I demand an apology. I DO write applications for ethical approval and I have proof.

If you look in the bottom drawer the filing cabinet, you will find dozens of forms stamped "Application Rejected by The Ethics Committee". (And one with the handwritten words - "What the F is this looney up to for F's sake? Can we do anything about her?" - I've framed that one.

I keep the for sentimental reasons, but obviously ignore them - they're just an outdated tradition aren't they? They don't really have any meaning nowadays.

Ok, I apologise. You do not heed their advice though. I'm not sure you have a Home Office License for Animal Testing and Research, either.

This does not stop your wonderful work nor does it stop you creating mayhem with flocks of unsuitable creatures.

What about BaryGodofLegal then? He'd no longer be on the beat and have a nice cushy office job sharpening pencils and aligning them on his desk.

Oh that might have been me actually. The dragonlets went through that putting everything in their mouths phase so I wrote 'not edible' reminders for them. You've still got one on your back. You're welcome.

God of legal sounds scary. Will he have magic powers? Or a posh suit? I don't like this at all.

I'm not sure you have a Home Office License for Animal Testing and Research, either.

I have a driving license. I think that covers everything license related, if I'm not mistaken.

I'm bored. Because it's dull. Nothing ever happens.

You're right Pax.

Mortificado is the sheer arse-end of nothing happening. . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . fancy a game of Connect Four? Or we could take the leg fish for a walk. At least it gets us out of the Poo Tower for an hour or so.

We could take some raw flesh and feed the Harpies.