Gin and a moat

[paxillin]

Not by one of the Queens this time... But we can drink here.

Connect four- yay! Boredom turned 3D!

Feed the harpies sounds fun. Why does nobody ever go to feed the rats with rubbish in London? Everybody feeds the obese handful of ducks in the parks! Rats have such a bad rep.

I agree, poor little things - it's hardly their fault that they are disease-ridden, verminous, walking parasites that would rip your face off as soon as look at you is it?

They get such a bad press because of those long sharp yellow teeth and thick scaley tails like bits of fleshy rope, and their black, beady unblinking eyes full of hate and malice.

If they had bushy tails they'd be squirrels,and everybody would be saying "Oh, they are so sweet. Look at their little hands! Give them more cake."

Life is so unfair - I'm sure they have a valuable place i GodMortificado's Ineffable Plan.

That's exactly what I said in the pet shop right before the dragonlets brought one home! It's free range and likes a drink though so watch your glass. Also watch your ankles, it likes to hide under furniture and has a taste for human flesh.

Aaaaw! Bless!

Give it some of my MooseHoof Vwodka.

Give it a few minutes, the vodka might calm it enough to come out and play. Think it's a bit grumpy from the gin hangover

Do you guys ever handle liquids containing less than 40% ethanol by volume? 'Tis coffee o'clock.

You need to add some if that vodka to pax's coffee, all that sobriety is making her talk nonsense. It can't be good for your health.

What's happening? Why's it so quiet? Have we disbanded and no one told me? Is pax still sober and the true royal bloodline is as good as dead?

Sod this, one of you is going to have to get married.

I'm not taking part in any weddings until I am the frumpy MIL in a hideous fascinator. I shall wear ASDA sofa cushion teal to complement the gaviscon pink bridesmaids.

You there with the swishy hair, you'll do. Now to find a victim willing and able royal.

Do you have any kids from your days gallavanting with the peasants, pax?

I never checked... I don't dare to yell at kids in the village just in case they're mine though.

You're going to have to make a list of people you might have accidentally reproduced with. I'll have Barry conduct some interviews and make up a new family tree. Alternatively we can just grab one, chances are if it's in Mortificado it's got royal blood in there somewhere

Check they can count, write their name and know what year it is.

we're going to have to rethink the Mortificadian boundary.

Does the groom have to be human?

I only mention this because PrincessMortificado in her nymphomanic prime had a number of mongrel designer babies of various species and mythologies.

To my mind a young woman with swishy hair is just asking to be chained to a rock and ravished by a dragon perfect for one of these cross-species half-blood princes.

I would be delighted to look after any eggs etc that result from their unnatural blessed union.

No, doesn't have to be human. Needs to be of age though (16 for humans, equivalent in whatever weird species..).

Are the dragonlets old enough yet? I haven't seen them in a while but they are fully adopted and thus royalty.

What about DragonMortificado.He has a PhD and a Pilot's License and all sorts of adult-sounding stuff. He must be of the age of consent, surely?

Trouble with dragons is, they keep their sex a secret. Does that matter in Mortificado, do we have equal marriage? Where is Mortimer the Lawyer when you need him?

Obviously. I was married to a woman, remember? Although now that I think about it that was in France. And it was annulled on account of the other person needing to be there. Bureaucracy gone too far if you ask me. But the dragonlets got to keep their French passports. I'm banned from using the name or visiting France though. And we've stopped manufacturing the koh-i-noor pencil crown. Now we just use crayolas.

So now what? Sex irrelevant? Does it need recording on the marriage certificate? Mort? What about crown princes? Can two female dragons breed? Am I off the hook?