Gin and a moat

[paxillin]

Not by one of the Queens this time... But we can drink here.

No, I don't think any of that needs recording. Since Barry from legal melted or went on holiday or whatever we just use the photo booth down town for marriage certificates. They're legally binding, I made the changes in purple crayola if you want to check the Official Documents. Only I'm allowed to use purple now, that's in there too.

As for female dragon breeding, I don't know. Dragons are very progressive, just today the dragonlets were telling me about fifteen new genders I've never even heard of.

I think it's better if we don't keep any records of anythign that happens in Mortificado, just in case - you know - reasons

The less we have in writing the better in this place. I'm sick of shredding . . . waste paper

You're supposed to flush bog roll. Do we need to get you back to the vets?

I DO flush it!

And actually I wouldn't mind a trip to the vet's - I LOVED being a cat!

I keep getting lost and the castle keeps disappearing. Has someone installed a new labyrinth style security system? I told you not to watch that film when drink and amazon are involved

Not enough of us to keep it going. Lights keep going out and then Mortificado falls off the end of TIO.

then why are your trousers so tight? And what's with the mullet?

Disco, 'member?

I do not. I do not remember. Was I invited? Was it a roller disco? I'll get my skates!

Sledge Disco. Mortificado Christmas do.

Is Mortificadomas over yet?

Oh, crap!

Merry Mortificadomas! It's the dragonlets first Mortificadomas so I got everyone presents and booze and decorated the castle with reindeer. I even found that tree in schadenfraude's shed, it's fine as long as you feed it every hour.

FFS DON'T FEED THAT TREE AFTER MIDNIGHT!!!!!!!

And keep out of my shed. There are things in there. Private Things.

And whose bright idea was it to buy trumpets and drums for the Dragonlets? My brain is bleeding out through my ears and I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MYSELF SCREAM!

Ah! That's better.

Too late, the damn thing screams if you don't feed it all the time. Plus I forgot last night and it helped itself to a reindeer.

Yes, I saw your Private Things, don't care to again.

Clearly you didn't open your present, I got everyone else ear plugs and gin. It was under the tree but I expect anything left over is now in the tree. Retrieve at your own risk.

That's because you've spoiled it! It's now having tantrums to get its own way.

You should never have given in to it - though looking at the state of the Royal Sprogs I should have expected it. Nobody ever says "No" to them, and look at how that turned out.

I've got in touch with the TV Tree Specialist - The SuperHorticulturalist. (You must have seen her programme "It's Me Or The Tree") She's recommended a few generally effective things eg a Naughty Pot, and withholding squirrels for bad behaviour etc, but really needs to meet The Tree and see what triggers its responses and have a proper consultation.

She has waived her fee because you are royal, and "By Appointment" would look good on the side of her van.

Well excuuuse me, I don't see you offering to babysit or play any role in their upbringing whatsoever. Anyway, they're turning out just fine thanks to me. They've only set fire to the castle three times this week And we were going to get a husky driven sleigh, four tons of haribo and a life size dancing robot anyway, it's not like they're being spoilt.

I'm not sure I like the sound of this specialist but I do like the sound of not paying money so I guess it'll be fine.

Damn right I'm not offering to babysit those evil little reptiles your darling royal offspring I value my life and sanity (such as it is) too much because I Am Not Worthy of such an honour.

I'll send the Tree Wumman round. She won't be charging a fee but a cuppa tea and some nice biscuits would be appreciated. She likes Jaffa Cakes but not those shite own brand ones.

We've only got joffa cakes or jaffa crocks. And we've only got meat based teas as shredded plant matter was distressing the tree.

WHAT!? What have you done to my TREEEEEEEEEE!?!?!?!?!

That was a HorseFlesh-Eating Chestnut!!!! And now it's VEGETARIAN!?

Please, please- don't say it's vegan . . . . please say it still scoffs any eggs that any unwary birds lay in it - and the unwary bi -

Oh hang on. I mis-read. The TREE is only consuming flesh

Meat based teas are fine. It's just like Bovril, isn't it?

Yes don't worry, we've had to remove all dead plant matter such as vegetables and leaf tea. The tree starting sobbing at us serving the sprouts for Mortificadomas dinner and it screamed when one of the dragonlets ate an apple. We thought it best not to distress the poor thing further.

When does the tree lady get here and will she know why it's shedding or should I call out the... vet?

Don't let that quack near it!

Tree Whisperer should be round as soon as she sobers up.

Why was a dragnet eating an apple? Were they doing it for a bet?

FWIW, I sobbed when the sprouts were served, too.

*dragonlet - not dragnet.

is she sober yet? This is getting ridiculous.

Amber dragonlet is going through a phase and has become a vegetarian. I don't think she actually likes vegetables but she really hates plants since we got that tree.