I don't have big piles.

[QueenMortifauxcado]

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

Sometimes when you talk I can't tell if I've had too much or not enough. That reminds me what happened to that bucket of space wine?

Fish deplopping. Note the fish is legless.

Queen er - I'm sure the space wine is about here somewhere.

The Princess has been round, you know. Anything could have happened.

Fishplop ice-cream, anyone?

Pax

So I found a bucket. Can't quite work out what's in it. Do feel a bit like I need to rinse my eyes out with something alcoholic after that photo but given the strength of the last batch I'll wait for a tester to arrive.

I'm free!

That's the fish plop smoothie for the kids' breakfast. I just blitzed it in the food processor. All those omega oils to make them brainy or has that myth been debunked yet?

It's not lack of omega oils that makes Mortificado kids, thick - it's their parents splashing around in the shallow end of the gene pool!

What did you do with my fish legs?

Used the toes for fish fingers and the rest went in the smoothies. The deplopping is merely birth control, the delegging is pest control. They are now happily back in the turbid moat and NOT breeding any more horrors.

Toes for fish fingers?

Toes are fingers of the hind legs, no? Fish toes, fish fingers... come to think of it, legfish (or armfish) must be fairly common. Go to Iceland and look, a whole freezer full of fish fingers!

But toes aren't fingers. They've been walking on those and who knows where and on what! Plus isn't the skin all tough and flaky?

Here, have some distilled fishplop. Where do fish put their fingers, did you think about that when you ate them? And just what does go through the, ahem, peel of the prok sausages whilst said "peel" is still inside the prig?

see, this is why I prefer drink, it's far more sanitary are we still doing phrasing?

Unfortunately Madame the Queen prefers an undignified rummage for forgotten prime booze to the fish plonk and won't be joining you in inebriation, Happy.

I can't find any nice bunfights, most seem to have been started by political party interns and I am too old and jaded for these bright and idealistic activists.

Too right.

At least we don't have to worry about politics here, not since the dragons went to live with trump or whatever the hell happened there. Much prefer the whole being automatically in charge thing, who has the energy for campaigning?

Time for a tactical lemonade before you projectile vomit, strip and declare your undying love for the monarchy, Happy.

Any takers for Alka Seltzer? Eerily quiet out there..

No chans . . . chan . . . channa tha' Pax, you @rslickin' bassad . . .

Tellin' my fren' the Uni Unihorn . . . corn . . UniCON . . .

Ah . . . bugga . . . on'y clean pairra knickers . . .

But anyway . . . tha' Uni . .thing is on'y fren' I got. Its bes' fren'. We han' in hoof, me and the Uni . . .wossit.

Han' in hoof.

But YOU, ye gobshi' - goin' roun' ploppin' my le'f'sh . . legfush . . . f'sh . . .s.

Pu' yer mitts up! C'mon . . .sn'vlin' cowwud . . .

Fucksake, get the butler to call 101, Queen. We've got one for the drunk tank.

Treating this with Alka Seltzer would be like a corn plaster against a lost limb.

I've spoken to Barry to find out who the butler is and he says everyone left when we stopped having a payroll. Also the police have requested we stop contacting them after 400 complaints about the neighbours at the last place and the princess birthing some sort of demonic entity in one of the cells. They said absolutely nothing about a fiery horse running rampage after it burnt down the fences and escaped though

Can't you just take her outside and sober her up with a splash of moat water?

NOOOOOOOOO!

NOT THE MOAT WATER!!!!!

IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, NOT THE MOAT WATER . . .

I'll be good.

Everybody hates me! Nobody came to my thread party!