We have been let down by the justice system. [**Edited by MNHQ, thread may be triggering**]

[OpiesOldLady]

I need to get this out. Some of you will recognise the details, I posted previously under a different name, but tbh I'm sick of hiding now, and being ashamed.

My son was raped and sexually abused by my step son. He also abused my daughter. He was found guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of sexual abuse. We were led to believe that the judge would send him to crown court for sentencing and a custodial sentence would be imposed.

Today he was give a two year rehabilitation order and has been placed on the sex offenders register for five years. He has basically gotten away with a slap on the wrists.

I feel so incredibly let down. My babies had to give evidence against him, he put them through that... and yet he gets to go home tonight, free.

He will get counselling and all manner of professional help, whilst I am having to fight tooth and nail to access some proper support for my children. They are on a waiting list for intensive therapy, but that could take months. In the meantime, I have to watch as my son fades away before my eyes, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this is justice?

I want to appeal his sentence as I think it's far too lenient, but I don't know if i'll be allowed to, I'm waiting to hear back from the Attourney Generals office.

I am swinging between being so furious, devastated and wanting to kill him with my bare hands. How could he do this and just get away with it?

Oh op I remember your other threads. I have read this and cried, your poor boy. But others are right that it's good he is talking to you and he knows you are his rock.

If it helps at all my ds3 is almost 10 and he nay be up for a penpal or online ie minecraft etc. If so pm me and I can tell you their Xbox live name. He could have a virtual world of mnet kids.

Also my dp works in a children's home, many of these children have suffered abuse etc including sexual abuse. I can ask him for recommendations for help and even reading material for you?

My heart is aching for you my friend. I wish there was something I could do to make things better. If there is anything I can do - even if its just to listen please dont hesitate to tell me.

My DS1 saw a child psychologist many years ago - she was totally amazing. He says now (he is 32) that she saved his life because he didnt want to live anymore. He was 10 and, as you know, had lost his twin brother and his little brother. She would talk to him for a couple of hours once a week. He would sob all the way home and then sleep for hours. She was a miracle worker. I hope you can get someone equally as good to help your DS xxxx

The law in this country is a total arse - I have no faith in it whatsoever.

Im holding you close across the miles that separate us - I wanted you to know that I am always here for you.....always xxxx

Thank you all again. I'll reply to PM's in a mo.

Fairy - Yes, I got your PM and replied - DS sent your DS an email yesterday morning.

Excited - we could get rehoused, but frankly, I don't want to move and neither does DS. The two safe and stable things in his life this past year have been his home and his school. I don't want to take either of those away from him. When he disclosed last year, I completely gutted his bedroom. We repainted it and he helped choose new wall art and canvases and bedding. We removed every trace that stepson had ever been there. And he likes out home. He says that he feels safe here now. I don't want to take that away from him. Plus DD1 and DS3 are each currently on the pathway to ADHD diagnosis and to have to move home and school would really upset their routines. Also, part of me thinks, 'Why the fuck should we have to move, we've done nothing wrong' yunno?

5madthings - Any advice/books would be very welcome. DS does have an xbox, but unfortunately he can't use it - before all this came to light, he had stepson as one of his friends on there, and I'm a complete technophobe and I don't know how to take stepson off his friends list.

Shabbs - we've been through so much, you and I. You're like a mother to me. I hoping to come up north before Christmas and if I do, you're going to be invaded I love you missus.

We're plodding on at the moment. Social Worker rang yesterday and has said that FINALLY the NSPCC are willing to get involved and give us ALL some therapy. I'm so relieved. Hopefully that won't be too much longer.

Do you know a friendly teen or someone who can work the Xbox? To remove the stepson and you could change your Xbox id. I don't know how to, my kids do. If he wants to use his Xbox I can ask the madthings for idiot proof instructions on how to delete friends and change your id.

Dp is at work until tomorrow night but I will ask him for advice and books. It's shocking you gave been given so little support. I do get the worry about them not wanting to jeopardize the trial but even so it seems disgraceful.

I don't know anyone tbh - though, having said that, my friends husband might have a clue - he's computer savvy. I'll ask him.

Good plan, it just sseems a shame for him to not be able to use it, esp when it can help with ffriendships etc. It is fairly simple but I get your technophobe feelings we watch dvds on the Xbox and I have to get the kids to put it on, skip through the adverts etc as I can't work it out!

Good nnews re nspcc.

Good news about the NSPCC. I hope it helps you all a bit.

I'm sure the xbox thing can be done fairly easily. A new ID would be perfect.

I take it you didn't hear back from the attorney generals office?

I'm so sorry for what your son, Dd and the rest of the family have gone through and am absolutely disgusted with the sentence.

I agree with the others saying about the xbox, a game like Minecraft and some anonymous online friends where he gets to just be himself again chat about the game may help him.

I've had to log into DS's xbox a few times, it's not ultra easy but the instructions are fairly clear. You can also log into into on xbox.com and change his friends etc on there.
Or what about putting his xbox on eBay/Facebook and buying him a new one? He could set up a new xbox account.

Much more hassle I know but may be worth thinking about.

I haven't as yet, Chipping, I couldn't ring them on Friday as it was manic here, but they go back to school on Monday (does mini celebration!) so I intend to ring them then. I'm not going to let this drop until they give me a definitive answer as to if i can appeal the sentence or not. And even then, i intend to go to my local MP if they say i can't.

I shall see how we get on and if my friends husband can sort it, but selling his and buying another is a consideration, certainly.

I've been thinking, and I'm finding having this place here to vent really helpful. I wonder if anyone would mind if i asked MNHQ to move it somewhere else, as otherwise it's going to be gone soon, and although that was my intention when i first posted, I'm finding this very cathartic, plus i don't want to lose all the amazing links people have posted.

Back to school on Monday . We're not back until Tuesday!

I don't blame you, I'd be going to my MP too and anyone else I could think of! Fingers crossed they say 'yes' though, that would be much simpler! Not to mention right.

Oh you don't need to sell his. I am sure Mad's lot can help you, but if not someone else on MN will be able to. It's not that difficult I'm sure.

I certainly wouldn't mind and I can't see why anyone else would. If they do, they can always have their own posts deleted if they want to x

It's good to have you back knowing it's you, even if your name is a different one, iyswim.

x

Yes, i totally get you. I felt i needed a new name, as there were far too many associations with my old one. I've reported this thread to MNHQ and asked, so will see what they say.

LOL I have just read my last post. It reads like only half of a script! Sorry, I hope you could follow what I was on about!

I'm sure it wont be a problem, they're good eggs :)

I too am sickened by the sentence, I remember reading some of your previous threads. Your poor DS and DD, I so hope that you can appeal.

What strikes me is what an incredible mum you are. I know you cannot take what has happened away from your DS, but the support you describe giving him and the fight that you are prepared to fight will surely help him to heal from this.

I wish you and your children continued strength in this.

No, I'm not an incredible mum at all. If i were, my children wouldn't have been hurt. But i am trying so hard to make my failings up to them. They are the amazing ones, they are so dignified and brave and i look at them in awe.

I've just noticed that I'm now in Other Topics - thanks MNHQ.

Opies. What happened isn't your fault, you had no way of knowing what DHs son would do :( you didn't do anything reckless or stupid, you just didn't have a crystal ball. You have to find a way of putting the blame where it belongs, onto the boy and to some extent his parents. It will eat you up otherwise and there's nothing you can do to change it...

You cannot let this define you as a parent.
Xx

Yes, now over in OT :)

I can't help but feel responsible. It may be irrational, but it's how I feel. I brought him into our home, I tried to treat him as I would my own children, I tried to love him and show him what being part of a functional family was like. I obviously failed. I couldn't see it. He hurt my babies and I was oblivious. So yes, I feel like I have failed them massively, and to some extent that it is my fault. If I had known, I would have put a stop to it straight away, but I simply didn't see. That is my failure as a parent. And one I have to live with forever. Sometimes DS says that he blames me, and I understand that completely. I just hope that one day, when he's grown and understands fully, that he won't think of me too harshly.

Opies I don't know what to say. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that what you have written is exactly what I would have written in your shoes :(

However, looking from the outside in, it's a very different view. You tried to love him, you tried to make it one big happy family, you had absolutely no way of knowing what he was thinking, then doing. You didn't see it, how could you?

The blame lies with him. I am sorry for whatever got him to that place, but he was still the one that did what he did, he was old enough to know it was wrong, very wrong.

I can understand you feeling you have to shoulder the blame, but it's really victim blaming when you do that and when you allow DS to do that too. You too are a victim here. I think you might be able to see that more clearly if DHs son was an adult.

Instinctively I'd feel like you, objectively I can see why that wouldn't be right. I hope in time, maybe with some counselling, you will be able to see and accept it too. It might be too soon right now.

Xx

I think you're probably right. It's all too raw and there's still so much going on. Blaming myself for everything seems to be my default setting tbh. I did it with my sons death, I'm doing it with this. Maybe when time has taken us a little way aways I might feel differently.

I know I need counselling. I am seeking it, but tbh I just can't find the time. Or the childcare.

Gah I have so much to do today and I have no energy nor inclination. I have wasted so much time on MN today. Ooops. Still, we're having a cuddly day watching films and playing games. I'm just waiting for tomorrow so that I can work my way down my To Do list.

Opies, I was glad to see your thread had been moved to a permanent home and that are finding it even a little helpful.
Also glad to see that the NSPCC are going to get involved - I hope that will be helpful for all of you.

I too understand why you would blame yourself, I do.
I suppose it's the difference between responsibility and accountability: your stepson is responsible for what happened, but as your DCs' mother you feel accountable.
I think the fact that you are not shirting that v painful thought must be clear to your DS too and that may well be part of the reason that he felt able to disclose the abuse in the first instance and also that he is able to speak to you and be honest about his feelings and thoughts.

I so agree with Kahlua upthread: these events to not need to be life-defining for your DS. Nobody, you includen, can make them un-happen, but your DS can go on to carve out his way in life to be a happy and fulfilled one. I agree that he is so lucky to have you: strong, resourceful and insightful.

Enjoy a cuddly day - sounds great fun to me

Oh fluff and faddle. I posted you a long reply on my new Ipad mini about 10am, but it hasn't posted?! It has done that a few times but I thought it was only when the wifi at the hotel was rubbish, seemingly not. I'll have to pay more attention!

I hope you find a way of getting the time for you to have some counselling, for both your own sake and the children's. Carrying around this guilt isn't good for you or them.

If your DS sees you blaming yourself and is allowed to blame you, then surely it means that you could have stopped it - how could you have stopped something from happening, that you could never have forseen? It also means that it was preventable, it's not much of a stretch then for DS to blame himself for not preventing it - when the fact is that the blame needs to be put where it belongs, entirely on DHSon's shoulders. HE did this, not DS, not you.

I'm not sure I'm explaining myself very well. I do totally understand how you feel, but I think you need some help to see that it's not beneficial to view it like that?!

Also, you believed DS, you took action, you supported him. You got him help, you stripped his room. You were there for him and that is what he will remember and understand, especially when he's older. The damage between a parent and child isn't done when someone else abuses them, it's done when the parent doesn't believe them, doesn't take action, don't take their side, doesn't prevent further abuse from the same person. Values their relationship more with that other person/extended family etc over their child. That's most certainly not you x

It's not wasted time, it's relaxing and bonding - just go with it.

Sorry I have just been reading through this and I am appalled at our so called justice system. I expect this has been mentioned before but have you contacted your local MP? They are supposed to be there for us and I feel you have a need for all the help and string pulling you can get. Contact him/her and state that this is unacceptable and you need them to look into it for you. Your family are in our thoughts and prayers x

OP I think I know who you might be, remembering your posts from a way back (was a few namechanges back for me now).

If so, I remember your posts about your stepfamily dynamics before this awful time. You always sounded like an absolute rock, an amazing parent.

Please don't blame yourself. It's NOT your fault and there's NOTHING you could have done to prevent this as a reasonable, normal person. Don't blame yourself for not having employed absolutely unreasonable, paranoid levels of control in your daily life - what ordinary parent does?

I am so sorry about what has happened and the way you and your children are suffering. I hope you can appeal. I really do.

I've had a bit of a day of it and I feel done in.

Turns out the NSPCC also have a waiting list, and it could be months before the children get seen by them. I'm not quite sure what we do now, or where we go from here. It's really getting my goat that stepson gets to have as much therapy as he likes, yet here we are SCREAMING for help and no one will help us. My boy is so sad, he's hurting so much, and theres nothing I can do. It's so frustrating.

I rang the attorney generals office again today, and they are still looking into it. I reminded them that we only have 28 days from the day sentence was passed, which would bring it to the 18th November, to appeal. The man I spoke to said that he would chivvy them along and I would hear from them by the end of the week. If I haven't heard by midday on Friday I will ring them again. And if no joy then, I will ring them every single day next week. I'll make it so they actually do something to stop me oining them.

I also emailed my local MP today. I told her what had happened. I'm not sure what, if anything, she can do, but I feel like I have to do something.