We have been let down by the justice system. [**Edited by MNHQ, thread may be triggering**]

[OpiesOldLady]

I need to get this out. Some of you will recognise the details, I posted previously under a different name, but tbh I'm sick of hiding now, and being ashamed.

My son was raped and sexually abused by my step son. He also abused my daughter. He was found guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of sexual abuse. We were led to believe that the judge would send him to crown court for sentencing and a custodial sentence would be imposed.

Today he was give a two year rehabilitation order and has been placed on the sex offenders register for five years. He has basically gotten away with a slap on the wrists.

I feel so incredibly let down. My babies had to give evidence against him, he put them through that... and yet he gets to go home tonight, free.

He will get counselling and all manner of professional help, whilst I am having to fight tooth and nail to access some proper support for my children. They are on a waiting list for intensive therapy, but that could take months. In the meantime, I have to watch as my son fades away before my eyes, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this is justice?

I want to appeal his sentence as I think it's far too lenient, but I don't know if i'll be allowed to, I'm waiting to hear back from the Attourney Generals office.

I am swinging between being so furious, devastated and wanting to kill him with my bare hands. How could he do this and just get away with it?

We now have eye drops to fix his eyes. So what can I get to fix his heart, his head, his spirit?

He said to me the other day 'I'm always going to remember this, aren't I? It's never going to go away, is it?' I told him that yes, he would always remember it, but it would not define who he is or what he does, we won't let it. I have no idea if I'm saying or doing the right things here. I'm just bumbling along, hoping not to fuck it up more than it already is.

I would say that's exactly the right thing to say, Opie. It's honest, gives reassurance and doesn't minimise what your stepson has done or the impact on DS.

Is your DH nearby? How are the children (and you) coping with the new living situation?

Opies, in terms of fitting in counselling for yourself, there are counsellors who offer therapy over email. If you find writing it down helps, that might be an option. You are coping amazingly for your dc. I hope you find some peace for yourself.

You reply to your DS's question was near-perfect - well done!

Don't minimise what happened and the effect it has on him, but equally don't catastrophes and give it more power over the rest of his life than it deserves. Time will never make his memories go away, but he will find a way to accommodate these memories with your support.

There is also online support - I'll see if I can dig something out that might be suitable for you.

Lifecentre - might be worth a phone call although it does seem their counselling is at their HQ; maybe no use to you.

NAPAC - worth contacting?

Interestingly there seems to be more online support available to survivors of sexual abuse/rape and their supporters in Australia - huge country, sparsely populated, they've found a way to make help more accessible.
Australian study with lots of links - Caution: large PDF file.

It should not be this hard to pick out a suitable support for you, should it?

I'm so sorry for what you have all been through, as inadequate as that sounds.

Have you spoken to rape crisis? I only know of their support for adults but they were amazing in their support for a relative.

Opies your reply to DS was (as PD/PW said) near-perfect. It is so good that he can talk to you about how he's feeling. You probably don't realise how rare that is. I would just reassure him that yes, he will always remember this, but as time passes his memory will be full of so many other good things that this memory will get smaller and smaller and wont be something he thinks about all the time. That there will be times in his life when he thinks about it a bit, but other times when he doesn't think about it at all.

What are you and the kids up to today?

No, ex H is not nearby. He see's them for a couple of hours a week. It's far from ideal, but it is what it is. They miss him, but they speak on the phone to him every evening and talk about their day etc.

Thank you PW, I shall check out those links, and I do intend to give rape crisis a call. I did ring victim support but tbh she wasn't particularly helpful. She seemed a bit out of her depth tbh, though it's understandable why.

Today we haven't done an awful lot. My freezer broke down and I had to take all the food in it to the tip, after listing what was in it and taking photo evidence so I can claim on the insurance. Thankfully freezer is still under warranty.

We've had a snuggly sofa day. Got lamb in the slowcooker for later, but we've just watched dvd's and had treats. MIL popped in and I tolerated her for a little while. We're just reading/playing/colouring/kindle time today. Making plans for the week to come. Making Christmas lists too.

We're going to the cinema tomorrow to see The Book Of Life, which the elder two are very excited about. May also pop for a look around Toys R Us which is close by.

I know I'm just rambling now. I'm just trying to bring some normalcy back into our lives.

You are doing brilliantly. I really do hope that you are able to access the help you need.

Do you think you and ex DH could find your way back to each other? Do you even want to?

How annoying about the freezer, just one more hassle you could do without!

A snuggly sofa day is just the thing on a day like today! In fact, pretty much any day if it comes with games & treats! Spending time together chilling out is good! Lazy day here too - most of it on MN

Cinema & Toys R Us sounds like a good plan for tomorrow. I need to get myself sorted for this week or it will fly by!

Ramble away my friend, it's nice just to 'chat' :) x

Normalcy and sofa days sound like great aims to go for

Glad you had a lovely snuggly day. Lamb is what slow cookers were invented for.

I asked about your ex H because I too was wondering whether you might find each other again, if everything before this was good, perhaps you might be able to help each other.

Is your step son's mother nearby? The reason I ask is in relation to your plans to get a restraining order of some sort. You said you were sure he'd try to come near you. If he has no reason to be in the area (ie his father doesn't live there and if his mother doesn't either) then does that give you perhaps more chance of getting something officially stated? I'm not legally qualified in any way, just thinking through the logistics of it.

Hi,

We've had a lovely day today. Littlest went to nursery and I took the others to watch The Book Of Life. The was sweeties and popcorn aplenty!! And then I was duped into having a 'look' around Toys R Us. Came away with half term craft project things for them. And lots of ideas for Christmas too. They are just seeing their dad at the moment, and I'm having a quiet coffee.

As for me and ex. No, there's no chance of us getting back together at all. It turns out that the first time his son raped mine was the night before our wedding. I just can't be with him. It hurts far too much.

I'm not sure exactly where they live now - I know they have moved in the last year. We live in a city and they live in a small town next to it. She has lots of family that live here, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to see her around town for example, especially before Christmas as we have a bigger selection of shops. There is no love lost between us and she's the confrontational type - she once spat at my little boy when he was a new baby in the pram. I can't believe she would turn and walk away if she saw me.

I had a phone call earlier from the attorney generals office, just to say that they are looking into if I can appeal or not, apparently it's a grey area, but they hope to have a definitive answer for me by the end of the week.

I feel so shattered by it all. It feels like this past year I've been running on adrenaline. I'm tired now.

Hi

I'm glad you had a good day with the kids, what was the movie like? Sweeties and popcorn - yum

Toys R Us is massive isn't it - still, at least you got some good ideas for Christmas and craft projects for now - it's always nice to have something on the go in the holidays!

How are your kids with seeing your ex? Do they associate him with your step son & are they angry with your ex or do they see him as their Dad and quite separate from SS? It must all be so difficult for them.

It is such a shame that there's no chance of you two getting back together. Is it just the concept that your happiness with him led to this happening (iyswim) or did he let you down too much this past year? Are you getting along OK now when you have to deal with stuff re the kids?

I can't believe she spat at your baby :( She sounds simply charming and it doesn't sound too surprising that her son has no decency and no boundaries - I wonder what he has had to put up with in his life? Not that you need to think about that and not that it's any excuse for what he has done... but you do wonder how kids get to be so off the rails. It does seem most unlikely that she would walk away you are more likely to get a mouthful about what you have done to her baby . Your ex must be a bit of a mess over all of this...

What would you think about moving away and having a fresh start?

It's good that the AG called and that they are still working through it, fingers crossed. Is there anything you can think of that you can 'press upon them'?? It just seems so clear cut from here that you should be able to appeal.

It is a LONG time to have been holding it all together like this, you have had to be so strong for all of your kids, then the conflict with and losing dh as well, it has been a nightmare year by anyone's standards :(

OP I'm sorry to hear what you and your children have been through, it is truly horrific.

On this:

"He said to me the other day 'I'm always going to remember this, aren't I? It's never going to go away, is it?' I told him that yes, he would always remember it, but it would not define who he is or what he does, we won't let it. I have no idea if I'm saying or doing the right things here. I'm just bumbling along, hoping not to fuck it up more than it already is."

A few years ago now, something very traumatic happened to me. And yes I will never forget it and it will never really go away. But very slowly, over time, the horror fades from full technicolour 3D immersive nightmare to something much more manageable. I won't pretend the circumstances don't upset me from time to time but I can accept the things that happened and deal with the feelings in a way I couldn't have conceived at the time when I felt like I was trapped in some form of horror movie. Counselling was helpful but time was really what made the difference. My events didn't define me and this won't define your children.

Best wishes to you all.

Thank you for sharing your story with me, Grit.

My boy has the sads today

His relationships with his friends have changed a lot. They know something is wrong, but he doesn't want to tell them what has happened. He's withdrawn completely from them, though I have been encouraging him to go and call for them to go to the park etc. Well today he went to call for his friend only for him to tell him that he doesn't want to play with him anymore as he has new friends. Poor lad was crushed. I wish I could make this better for him

DS is really struggling today.

He rang child line and chatted for a while. I'm so worried about him. His usual therapist is a away on holiday now. I'm trying to give him lots of hugs and attention, but he's lashing out at everyone. He's so angry and sad and hurt

It doesn't matter if no one replies. I just need somewhere I can say this and get it out.

If ever there was a time I wished for a magic wand to be able to just wish this all away for you.

In some ways being angry and being able to lash out at those close shows that he has security within his home environment with you. He's not locked inside himself, he is openly expressing this emotion. Not fun (major understatement) to be on the receiving end on any of it but you have created a home where he is able to express himself and with all thats gone on. Lots of love, hugs, emotional support and most significantly time are the things that are going to ease this.

The friends thing is so sad. Unfortunately he's not the boy they made friends with now though. Through horrid life events he's a new person. As a new person he will find friends and people to identify with over time. Its that dreaded time thing again.

One post that really resonated with me was made by ChillingGrinBloodLover earlier in the thread. They posted about the memory never going away but overtime becoming less dominant because of all the other new memories that will also fill the memory banks.

It is very hard to get up each day and live life when things that have happened keep trying to hold you in the past. Can you remember any hopes or dreams from before this time that could be resurrected and somehow written into lifes plan as something, however small, to move forwards towards?

Opie would your DS like a pen pal? My DS is similar age, nothing like the trauma your DS has faced but he is a gentle soul and has been through his own share of trauma. He knows what it is like to get the sads and for things to change with friends.

I would happily oversee correspondence - email or paper- if you think it would be a good thing for him. It's just come to me in a flash so might not be appropriate but maybe the chance to have a conversation/laugh with someone completely new might be a good thing for your DS?

Opie your DS is so brave. And very lucky to have the safety net that is you propping you up. My heart goes out to you all and I hope your day is improving :)

Do you know, I think DS would absolutely love that. He has dyslexia and dyspraxia though, so his handwriting isn't the best, so I could set an email up for him. I'll PM you. Thank you so much

He is brave. So brave and dignified. I really do not know where he gets it from as I'm a quivering wreck. I must be doing something right though, as he's currently hovering the upstairs for me, bless him! We've been out and got some fresh air - went to the park and then to see my dad. I think getting him out has done him good.

That's so sad about his friend :(. It's hard to take when they're so utterly heartless. However, I suppose the boy doesn't know what DS has been through so maybe feels like he's been picked and dropped too many times?! Maybe his parents have said 'If you keep getting hurt by DS then just stop playing with him!!' Of course not realising what's going on:(. Or maybe he's just generally not terribly nice!?

Do you think it helped any talking to child line?

If he was an only ( or just. One sibling) I'd suggest taking him and a friend out somewhere really fun, but I guess you have enough on your hands without adding in others?

This might not be something you or DS would be comfortable with and I'd totally understand, but what about having a friend to stay? Could you make it feel safe enough for him? Though I might even be projecting and he might not be scared of it happening with a friend.

What clubs does he do? Maybe some new friends lurking there?...

How is DD doing?

I think kitchenfairy's idea is fab, hopefully both boys will agree! They might be able to FaceTime as we'll & play stuff like mine craft.

He's sounds like such a lovely kid, it's so unfair. Please give him a big squishy hug from me < no need to say where it's from as I suspect he'd be unimpressed!> x

Oh no, sorry to hear your DS has been 'dumped' by his friend.
Children can be so fickle at this age though - my boys' allegiances and friendships are constantly shifting.
I hope your DS will recover from the loss of his friend and in time find new ones.

The pen pal idea is such a lovely one - I really hope it works out.

Hi Opie how are you doing today? I hope you've got my PM. Sorry for dropping off yesterday was MNing at work and boss lurking for rest of my day!

My lad is up for it he's not sure what to say but not especially shy so I will give him a hand while he gets going. He's away at gran's but home at some point over the weekend and will get going then.

He has chronic eczema and lives in constant pain and a couple of his 'friends' drop him when he is having a 'scabby' flare up -- he knows sadly what it feels like to have the door shut in his face. But he's a sunny, resilient chap and I hope he makes your DS laugh!

I think you are doing really well in supporting your children and dealing with their conversations in exactly the right way as they occur.

Someone I know was raped by her step brother over several years whilst they were children. From when she was 7 until she was 12 and told her mum. He was also abusing her step sister, his full sister, and this also wasn't known she spoke out. He also did not go to prison, just suspended sentence, whilst the girls suffered for a long time afterwards.

However, she is doing really well now, and is married with a 6 month old baby. She continues to have regular support through therapy and they all had family therapy to work through it together.

I just wanted to say that time and talking heals a lot of things, as it helps the memories lose their sharpness and 3d effect. He will then find a way to carve out the path of his life without being defined by this event.

Would a fresh start somewhere help? Could you get rehoused?