We have been let down by the justice system. [**Edited by MNHQ, thread may be triggering**]

[OpiesOldLady]

I need to get this out. Some of you will recognise the details, I posted previously under a different name, but tbh I'm sick of hiding now, and being ashamed.

My son was raped and sexually abused by my step son. He also abused my daughter. He was found guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of sexual abuse. We were led to believe that the judge would send him to crown court for sentencing and a custodial sentence would be imposed.

Today he was give a two year rehabilitation order and has been placed on the sex offenders register for five years. He has basically gotten away with a slap on the wrists.

I feel so incredibly let down. My babies had to give evidence against him, he put them through that... and yet he gets to go home tonight, free.

He will get counselling and all manner of professional help, whilst I am having to fight tooth and nail to access some proper support for my children. They are on a waiting list for intensive therapy, but that could take months. In the meantime, I have to watch as my son fades away before my eyes, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this is justice?

I want to appeal his sentence as I think it's far too lenient, but I don't know if i'll be allowed to, I'm waiting to hear back from the Attourney Generals office.

I am swinging between being so furious, devastated and wanting to kill him with my bare hands. How could he do this and just get away with it?

It's Port Eyenon, near Swansea, and yes, the water was very cold too! It was the kind of cold that makes your nose run, and of course, I had no tissues with me!

Then you will have the fun of it when you do get the time.

Hi Opies - only just seen this and read it all through - am horrified to hear how it all went down with the court (I remember reading your previous thread about the situation). Courts these days really don't seem to have any clue about proper responses to situations, it's all about protecting the perpetrators and nothing about how to help victims in any way. :(

I have nothing useful to offer apart from my usual posting hours - I'm in Australia so if you're up at stupid o'clock and need a hand to hold or an ear to bend, I'm usually around and happy to give you any support I can.

and love and strength to you and your children. xx

Might be worth looking to see if any martial arts classes run on Saturday. My son used to go to one from 11.00 - 12.00.

OP - I work in MH and have worked with many survivors of abuse and for a few years I worked with perpetrators. (This isn't relevant to what I'm going to say but with your experience I wanted to give full disclosure).

You're doing all the right things. You did all you could every step of the way. There were many things out of your control but YOU never let your DC down and they will ALWAYS know that.

That will make the biggest difference for your DC future. It really will xx

Today has not been a good day. I have totally failed at the parenting bit completely.

DS has been so angry today. Very violent. Has hit, kicked, punched and thrown things at me. And the other children. He hit DD1 so hard earlier that she literally upended and fell over. He also told me that he hates me and doesn't want to live with me anymore.

I have tried to talk with him but he just won't engage with me at all.

Not quite sure what to do.

Leave him be.

Give him space.

He's hitting out at those he knows love him the most because he is secure in your love for him. That unconditional love will be his salvation, honestly.

When he calm, then have a conversation with him about how to channel his anger and how it is NOT acceptable for him to hurt his siblings.

So, so hard for you.
Can you take any comfort from the fact that he is secure enough with you to allow you to see his worst behaviour?
Hope that's not too pollyannaish - it's not meant to be.
{{hugs}}

^^ what PD said, word for word.

You are an amazing Mum, totally amazing. He's secure with you, he's showing his hurt and anger in the only safe space he has right now.

The therapist is back tomorrow isn't she? Get on the phone early and get some sessions booked - whatever it takes to get them to bloody listen to you :(

I mentioned it before but you might have missed it. Do you have anywhere that you could hang up a boxing bag they aren't expensive and you don't need too much space for them. Give him something he's allowed to take his anger out on.

I know he's angry. I know he's hurting. He's a little ball of molten fury.

DD is hurting too. She's missing stbxh. She's terrified of DS. It shouldn't be like this.

Yes, I've been looking at those punchballs, I'm sure I could find a space for it.

Yes, she's back tomorrow. I'll be ringing as soon as they are open.

Get those photos up on your screen of your lovely time at the beach the other day. Remember how far he's come. You witnessed him laugh and enjoy himself. Thats your boy. Thats who you're slowly winning back. You are winning. Its slow but you will win.

This fight he's having is with the bad things that have gone on. Children say horrible things to those around them that love them. They don't need all the bad things that have happened to do that. My DS1 is Autistic and some of the nastiness that comes out of him when he's in a melt down near breaks my heart. Its not him though. At that point of uncontrolled anger its a primal instinct of lashing out, fight or flee are the only options to get over the adrenaline surge.

Depending on your sons size there are various holds you can learn to protect him and others from himself when he's loosing it. Mine is 11 now and too big for me to restrain when he's lost it. If he's starting to get wound up, i can do the hug hold where I approach from behind and hug his arms firmly to his sides, locking my hands in front of him, ideally bringing him down into a sitting position on the floor/ a sofa. The problem is he kicks and head buts and it can result in a bloody nose and bruised shins (thats me, not him). You can once sitting wrap your legs around theirs to hold them still but the head buts do hurt. Its just another possible thought that may or may not work for you.

The punch bag thing can really work, as can throwing things and smashing things. Its just finding the things that you don't mind being thrown and smashed thats the issue.

Hopefully he'll sleep well, physically and mentally exhausted by his anger expression, which in turn will hopefully allow you to get some rest if not sleep. Tomorrow is another day. As always I hope its a better one.

DS is angry & hurting
DD is angry & hurting
You are angry & hurting

All you can do is hold on tight and keep wading through the treacle :(

Hopefully getting some counselling will be like adding boiling water to the treacle and make it easier to wade though

I hope so. I really hope so.

I had a Drs appointment earlier. I'm thinking of coming off the antidepressants. They aren't helping. I don't feel any different. I don't think they can help - I need a resolution to this, for DS and DD to get the help they need and start to slowly feel better themselves, and then I might feel better. The antidepressants can't help with that.

No, they can't.
But they may help to keep to propped up so you can look after your children's interests.
How long have you been taking ADs?

I'm almost finished my second packet.

So, almost 2 months into taking them?
Do you feel any difference?
Are they agreeing with you?

Some people only realise what ADs did for them when they stopped IYSWIM.
If you stop and feel worse you can of course start again, but may need to wait for the effect to build up again.

It's a decision only you (and your dr) can make, but IME it is worthwhile giving them a few months. Also consider stopping after Christmas rather than now - it's quite hard to go in to the darkest time of the year anyway; no need to rock the boat.

If you do decide to stop, then wean them off by taking one every other day for at least a couple of weeks.

Opies, I don't think I've posted before, but I remember your earlier thread and have been reading this one.

I agree completely with the two posts above - your DS is lashing out at you because he knows you love him and that however angry he is, that love isn't going anywhere.

Sending very unmumsnetty hugs and very best wishes

massive cross post there, was reading thread from over an hour ago!

Also, he's hurting so much and he doesn't know what to do with it, so he's channelling it outwards and trying to hurt others, safe others like you and his sister, to try and share the pain load. It's not the right way to deal with it of course but he doesn't know what else to do.

I really hope you can get him in to see someone very soon, he really needs to let this out in a more useful way. :(

Is there a boxing club anywhere near you that might consider taking him? or even for a few 1 to 1 sessions, just so he can hit something with righteous fury but not hurt anyone?

Opies

What is it about the Anti D's you don't like?

Unless they're making you feel ill in anyway I'd keep taking them. You might not feel they are helping, but you don't know what you'd be like without them?! Even if it's just helping a little bit, it's worth it.

Of course they can't fix any of it :( but they can help you to cope with it all, as you are doing.
xx

So sorry for all you are going through, I wondered if you might find heather Forbes' books useful, beyond consequences and help for billy are both on kindle and give strategies for children struggling with fear and trauma, loving and empathic ideas and scripts to deal with very tough moments

It's not that I don't like anything about them. I just can't see that they are working. I'm feeling much the same as I was before taking them. I will keep taking them, but I'm not sure what difference they are making.

I've managed to speak to his therapist. She can fit him in on Friday morning. And she will chase up the more intensive therapy for him, as my SW has too.

This morning was quite fraught. I've always had a rule that you have to be dressed and ready to go by 7.45am, no exceptions, otherwise you go to school as you are. Their clothes and shoes are always laid out and ready for them the night before, and from 7am we do teeth, faces and hands and then get dressed. This morning DS flatly refused to get dressed. That's not so unusual. But this morning he really dragged his feet. I'd dressed myself and the three others and he was still in his PJ's. I told him that if he didn't get dressed I would take him to school as he was, and he slapped me across the face. It's not the first time he's done that, and it bloody hurt. He has lost kindle and YouTube time as a consequence. His school are having a PJ and Movie evening on Friday and I've told him that his behaviour has to improve dramatically before I will sign the consent form. Am I being too harsh?

If they aren't actively making you feel bad, just keep taking them. I've never taken them myself, but the vast majority of the people I know who do, or have, said they didn't think they were helping...until they stopped taking them! Most of them went straight back on them. Don't put yourself through it x

You got through to the therapist!! Thank god for that, Friday isn't far off now and she's chasing more therapy, brilliant. I'd plan for him to have the whole day off school, he'll need time to think, rest, play, run afterwards. (I'm sure you've thought of that already, but I know sometimes people worry about keeping them off and it helps to have some support to do so I think! x)

No, you aren't being too harsh at all. He needs boundaries now more than ever. He needs you to be strong and firm, then he knows he can rely on you. I would speak to him tonight, I'd tell him that he can tell you anything, if there's a reason he doesn't want to go to school he can tell you, he can tell you he's tired, angry, scared, fed up...but he cannot and will not hit! slap or hurt anyone in your home! ever. It will NOT be tolerated. He can punch his pillow, but that is that. I wouldn't mention the pj movie thing again, I'd find other consequences because I think right now anything he can do to build friendships is very very important, I'd look at it as rebuilding his life, not a treat iyswim.

Big hugs, it's shit, but you will get through it. You really will.
Xx

You are definitely being too harsh, on yourself. With your DC you're amazing!

Glad to hear that therapy is happening again.

How is your DS after therapy sessions?

I know you haven't had many yet but my very different experience when DS1 has had long CAMH's appointments is he's completely emotionally exhausted afterwards and we have to clear the diary. It would just be a shame if he wasn't up to the party on Friday and felt it was a punishment to not go. I know I haven't eloquently worded that, but forewarned is forearmed and its something that if hopefully his behaviour has improved before Friday maybe he could have his permission to go before therapy so any decision to then not go is due to his choice rather than blaming you that you weren't going to let him anyway. I hope that makes some sense.

The sun is shining here today. Somehow life is just a tiny bit easier when the sun is out, i hope its the same for you.

Opies. I have nothing to add re DS's behaviour, but on the AD side of things I do have some experience.

A doc who prescribed them to me said that the aim of them wasn't to make you feel laid back and chilled (if anxiety is your modus operandi) or ecstatic and joyful (if it's gloominess). She said the aim is to restore you to what is for you your normal level. Perhaps, given all the awfulness you've been dealing with, you need to increase your dose?

Glad to hear the therapist is back and taking action.

Oh God, how terrible. I am so sorry, and this must be a waking nightmare. For all your family, especially your children. I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said, but just wanted to say this.