We have been let down by the justice system. [**Edited by MNHQ, thread may be triggering**]

[OpiesOldLady]

I need to get this out. Some of you will recognise the details, I posted previously under a different name, but tbh I'm sick of hiding now, and being ashamed.

My son was raped and sexually abused by my step son. He also abused my daughter. He was found guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of sexual abuse. We were led to believe that the judge would send him to crown court for sentencing and a custodial sentence would be imposed.

Today he was give a two year rehabilitation order and has been placed on the sex offenders register for five years. He has basically gotten away with a slap on the wrists.

I feel so incredibly let down. My babies had to give evidence against him, he put them through that... and yet he gets to go home tonight, free.

He will get counselling and all manner of professional help, whilst I am having to fight tooth and nail to access some proper support for my children. They are on a waiting list for intensive therapy, but that could take months. In the meantime, I have to watch as my son fades away before my eyes, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this is justice?

I want to appeal his sentence as I think it's far too lenient, but I don't know if i'll be allowed to, I'm waiting to hear back from the Attourney Generals office.

I am swinging between being so furious, devastated and wanting to kill him with my bare hands. How could he do this and just get away with it?

Yes, I got the tiny toothbrush, but he's really not been keen. I know he needs to do it, but I am so wary of forcing him to do something that he doesn't want. I think letting him have the power to say what happens to his body.. autonomy over his body.. I think that's important for him. That's not to say I let him get away with murder or anything, he still has rules and expectations etc, I just feel he needs to be in charge of his own body and what happens to it as he hasn't had much choice of late, iyswim? I'm not sure if I'm doing that right though. I've explained to him what might happen if he doesn't take care of his teeth and I think he gets it. I'm so wary of fucking things up even more.

I've spoken to the lovely MN'er in question, and although obviously they couldn't make any promises, they are chasing things up for me. I've also had many other PM's for other awesome MN'ers with loads of help and advice, which has been great.

I think with the tooth brushing all you can do is what you are doing - buy him lots of things to try and strongly encourage him. It's hard at his age to see the bigger picture though - it's all too far away in the future and getting through each day is enough.

Have you tried an electric toothbrush, the heads are small and the timer gives them something to aim for.

Stressing the 'more time in the chair' for fillings and maybe having to have teeth taken out is a tactic I'd use. Kindly but firmly.

Hopefully you'll get a dental appointment soon and hopefully the dentist can reassure him and help him to see how important it is.

At the end of the day, both options are crap - forcing or not forcing. However, dental stuff can be fixed later, even if it's horrible and expensive, him feeling like he has no say in more stuff happening to his body against his will is a much bigger deal.

Mouthwash, finger toothpaste (try to encourage him not to rinse after) & whatever else he's prepared to try will all help.

[I was empathising with you, not saying you weren't thinking about the impact not doing it would have. I know you know the impact it will have. I wish we could do this face to face instead x.]

I hope something comes of all of the other advice you are getting re the legal stuff x

I know you were sweetheart, I understand that

And yes, I hope so too.

Oh, I am having absolutely everything crossed for you here - wrt to dental hygiene and behind-the-scenes chasing up x.

Opies, I haven't posted before, but have been following your thread with deep sadness for your dcs and huge admiration for you coping each day as you do.

It must be heartbreaking for you listening to your ds and not being able to say anything to make the pain go away. One thought: does he have crayons/paints and a pad of plain paper available to him. When he doesn't know what to say, you could suggest he draws how he is feeling. It's a version of writing it down to get it out of your head and onto paper, but without having to give names to his feelings or imaginings. He can simply paint the paper black, or red or he can do more detailed drawings. You could try doing drawings to show him too, which show how you are feeling, and then you can talk about them together.

HTH

I had contact with a particularly lovely MN'er who has found a solicitors who may be able to help me get a non molestation order, so I will telephone them tomorrow to see if I can get an appointment for a free 30 min consultation. She's been totally amazing, and I am incredibly thankful to her.

And we have lots of paper/pens etc. In fact one wall in his bedroom is painted with blackboard paint and he has a tub of chalks and an eraser so he can draw/ write and also choose if he wants me to see it. At the moment it's filled with minecraft creepers and a sentances that says 'My mammy is brilliant and I love her'

Fantastic news re the Solicitor - fingers firmly crossed!! X

for the lovely MNer x

You and DS will be fine you know, you really will x

I'd take the couch too! Ours is surprisingly comfortable, and much better than sharing with all those elbows and knees!

Well done 'that' MNetter.....thats brilliant. I hope the solicitor is a massive help to you. Onwards and upwards my friend....onwards and upwards.

Just remembering what we used to say on our 'other thread.'

'One foot in front of the other and dont forget to breathe.' xxxx

You know Shabbs, that has kept me going through some very dark moments.

I've got an appointment on Wednesday morning to see a solicitor about a Non Molestation order. Fingers crossed I will be able to get it.

They asked me if I knew his address, and it occoured to me that I don't. I used to, obviously as I used to have to drive and pick him up, but I do believe that he's moved in the past year. And it's very unsettling knowing that he knows where we are, but I don't have a clue where he is. Unsettling and scary, if I'm honest.

I hope it goes well on Wednesday.

Would it help to have his address? If so, stbExDH should know, or be able to find out, stepsons address. It's the least he can do for you.

He doesn't know. Part of Stepsons bail conditions was that he have no contact with anyone that was in our house. stbexh hasn't had any contact with him for over a year so he doesn't know where he is.

Surely the police would know it, I'm guessing they would have needed up to date details for the trial? Do you think they'd be allowed to give it to you?

I doubt it very much to be honest. I suppose it would leave them open to reprisals.

Speaking of which, it is taking all my strength not to do anything. I know it would be the worst thing to do, but I want everyone to know what he has done. I want to warn people what he's like. I know I couldn't.. wouldn't.. but I want to. So badly.

to 'that' MNer from me too - I so hope you'll get some help from the recommended solicitor.

Stupid question but could you find out his current address by simply googling your stepson's name?
I can see how not knowing is v unsettling for you.
Does the solicitor actually need his address to pursue this?

And no, don't do anything 'stupid', no matter how much you'd oh so understandably want to - unfairly, it would likely backfire…

No, she doesn't I don't think. Although she would be able to find it fairly easily I would imagine. I'll try google.

And yes,. I know it would backfire. And the kids need me here, and to be there for them, so no, I won't do anything at all.

The solicitor would need the address for the stepson to serve the injunction upon him, however this would be available from the Courts. Your solicitor can apply for it directly from the Courts to prevent you from having it, if that helps you?

Sorry to hear your DS is having a tough time, poor mite. Good job he's got a wonderful mum behind him. You are doing a fantastic job, but I know it must be taking it's toll on you OP. Please remember to take care of yourself too.

When you say you want to warn people what he's like, is there anything stopping you legally? Or is it that you're trying to protect your children's anonymity?

Great that it sounds like the solicitor should be able to get the address from the courts.

Do you ever get sick and tired of hearing yourself moaning? I'm even beginning to piss myself off. It seems like that's all I do lately. I need to learn to relax and not be so wound up.

On a lighter note, the children have gone to school/nursery in their PJ's today. DS has gone in his favourite Captain America onesie. He looked fab!

Captain America sounds great!!

I am a firm believer in Therapeutic Moaning - rant and moan and whinge and cry. And then pick yourself up and keep on keeping on. So moan away.

Alternatively you could have to stop yourself from moaning if you are getting on your own nerves?

Ha, cake would be lovely, but I don't think my diabetic nurse would approve

I tried ringing DS's therapist yesterday, but she's not back off holiday until Tuesday. She's been lovely, but isn't able to give him the intensive therapy he so desperately needs. I personally think he needs to vocalise what happened to him. But hey, what do I know?

Oh, it is of course diabetic cake

He may well need to verbalise things, but he will also have to do that in his own time. But, like you, what do I know?

I hope he has a lovely time being a Superhero today.

Do you ever get sick and tired of hearing yourself moaning? I'm even beginning to piss myself off. It seems like that's all I do lately. I need to learn to relax and not be so wound up

God yes, with far less reason!! Keep writing on here to release some of it. Moaning at kids is natural, they're infuriating little creatures, even when you love them to bits!

It's hard to relax & not get wound up in your situation, but do your best to find ways to relax, for your own sanity & health, it'll help with your blood sugar levels too, as will exercise ignore the fact I'm ignoring my own advice

Cake and a walk tomorrow, they'll even out! X

It was lovely seeing them all come out in their PJs today, so cute. Some of the teachers had theirs on too, very sweet.

How much therapy does he get? Has he not spoken about it all yet, at all?

Since the trial, which ended on the 1st October, he has seen his therapist once. Before the trial he wasn't allowed to talk about what had happened, for fear of him being influenced or coached, he could talk about how he felt about what happened, but not actually what happened.

The only time he's really spoken about it is his first disclosure, then when he had to give his statements, then again when he had to give evidence. He's told me bits about what has happened, and I have read court transcripts and seen his statements, so I know exactly what happened.

He hasn't spoken about it out loud otherwise.