We have been let down by the justice system. [**Edited by MNHQ, thread may be triggering**]

[OpiesOldLady]

I need to get this out. Some of you will recognise the details, I posted previously under a different name, but tbh I'm sick of hiding now, and being ashamed.

My son was raped and sexually abused by my step son. He also abused my daughter. He was found guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of sexual abuse. We were led to believe that the judge would send him to crown court for sentencing and a custodial sentence would be imposed.

Today he was give a two year rehabilitation order and has been placed on the sex offenders register for five years. He has basically gotten away with a slap on the wrists.

I feel so incredibly let down. My babies had to give evidence against him, he put them through that... and yet he gets to go home tonight, free.

He will get counselling and all manner of professional help, whilst I am having to fight tooth and nail to access some proper support for my children. They are on a waiting list for intensive therapy, but that could take months. In the meantime, I have to watch as my son fades away before my eyes, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this is justice?

I want to appeal his sentence as I think it's far too lenient, but I don't know if i'll be allowed to, I'm waiting to hear back from the Attourney Generals office.

I am swinging between being so furious, devastated and wanting to kill him with my bare hands. How could he do this and just get away with it?

Sorry, that's all a bit bullet point ish, but I was trying not to rewrite War & Peace.

Thinking about the future and planning backwards works really, really well for some people and less well for others. Sometimes just getting everyone through to bedtime is as far as you can think.

He will use a mouthwash, thankfully. He won't floss though.

Yes, I'm still reeling about that too. I honestly thought our life was perfect. We'd got married exactly twenty eight days before DS's disclosure. We had babies together. I thought he was a good dad. He never gave me reason to think otherwise.

Social services think that he groomed me. Looking back on it now, I think he probably did too, but I just couldn't see it. I'd known him since I was 16, he was my first love. We were together for a while before my mother split us up. I went to work away and during that time is when the offence happened. I came back and he was with someone else, and they had a child on the way. I met someone else and although we remained friends, we didn't see much of each other. My DH died when ds was three and our youngest a few months old. I lost my mother a few months later. During this time STBXH was a rock, someone I could rely on. My feelings began to grow for him and we began a relationship. I fell very unexpectedly pregnant with DS3 quite soon afterwards. Our relationship was.. easy. I never saw any side to him. He made me happy, and I loved him. I thought I'd found my happily ever after.

Equating this man I loved with the monster who had abused a child was so fucking difficult. He tried to minimise it to me - gave me an almost plausible explanation - but neglected to tell me the important parts. I'll never trust him again. I'll never be with him again. I gave him my heart when it was broken, and instead of fixing it, he twisted it, stamped on it and ground it into little pieces. He fooled me completely. And I feel so stupid.

Sorry Chipping - X posted there.

Yes, I've got some of those tablets lurking somewhere. I'll add ringing the dentist to tomorrows to-do list. Do you think if I explain the circumstances, they might understand?

Oh please don't feel stupid - he was very very good at what he did

Your situation is hard enough without you beating yourself up - it does not help, it makes you feel worse when you need all the strength you can find.
There is nothing wrong with being a person who does not go about thinking the worst of somebody they love. That's normal. He was/is NOT.

Oh my love :( That's so sad. It's all just so, so very sad :(

I knew your DH had died when DS was 3, but either I forgot (my memory isn't what it was, sorry) or you had never said about going out with your stbexDH when you were teenagers and how close to him you were after your first husband and your Mum both died. He's been a part of your life for half of it :(

You said his explanation was almost plausible. I'm in no way wanting to excuse what he did, but are you totally sure it's not the truth?

Why do SS say they think he was grooming you? What do they think he hoped to gain? Do you think, they think, he knew his DS was a risk to your DC? Or do they think he was? If so, why are they allowing contact?

You have been through so much, so very much :(

Yes, I took a friends 9 yo to the dentist the other day, she has no issues but is quite shy, I went in with her and they were incredible with her without any asking/warning anything. Nothing like dentists when I was a child!

So, yes, if you speak to the Receptionist and ask for an apt with the dentist who is the best with nervous children then they'll help. Ask them to get the dentist to ring you before you take DS. There's no need to tell the Receptionist any details.

Fuck, Opies, you have had so much to deal with in one life. It's amazing you're still standing. I don't necessarily believe in karma, but I do think that you can only have awful things happen for so long, and that at some point there will be happiness coming.

In reference to what SS said about your ex grooming you, were they clear as to what they meant? Has he abused your children? Or your stepson? Or do SS think that this was eventually going to be his plan? Is there a chance your stepson abused other children besides your DS and DD, and your ex may have known about it?

All of this is so beyond my frame of reference, so apologies if this isn't a good suggestion for you, but if SS appear to be ahead of the curve regarding your ex would they be a good source of advice regarding whether you should go no contact?

Sorry, I'm a pp on this thread under a name change, realised it looks like I've just blundered in with a load of questions.

Just a thought regarding your DS and DD, is there anything they're into that we might be able to send? Not like a charity thing, I meant like postcards from various places, or funny photos of a favourite animal or something? Or funny poems? Sorry, they're probably not very good ideas, but something diverting.

There has been no indication that he has abused our children. DS disclosed to both of us, and from what I have been led to believe, children do not normally disclose about to, or in front of, an abuser. I do not know if he has abused stepson. Stepson has not indicated that he has, though obviously, conclusions can be drawn. We simply do not know. He maintains that his original offence was a mistake, and he has never hurt either his son nor our children, and has not been in trouble since.

SS said that they think he groomed me because he appeared in my life again at a time when I was very low and very vulnerable. That I got pregnant very quickly - the same as stepsons mother - and that he told me what I wanted to hear. Oh I don't know. I really don't.

Bless you Barry for wanting to send them something. It's appreciated, though I'm not sure how I would explain random people they don't know sending them things

Yes, good point!

If that's all social services are basing their 'He was grooming you' on I'd take it with a very large pinch of salt. Some of them are very good, some of them are damaging.

He was a friend, he was there for you, it grew into something more, or rather, went back to being something more. Presumably you had children fairly quickly as neither of you were getting any younger and wanted them to be closer in age to the children you already had or whatever, the same reasons lots of couples in second marriages have children quite quickly.

There's no sign that he abused your children, not in all the years you were together, so what was he grooming you FOR supposedly?

As for his 'mistake' he was a teenager doing what teenagers spend a lot if time doing. Maybe the girl walked in on him? Maybe what's he has told you is the correct version.

It was stupid of him not telling you about it when you got together, but maybe he was just scared you wouldn't believe him like the authorities didn't?

It just seems very cruel to make it seem like your whole relationship was a lie, when that might not be the case at all.

You are doing really, really well holding it all together
Xx

He told me that he was in the toilet and the girl walked in on him having a wee and saw his penis then. He neglected to mention that he was masturbating and asked the child to touch him.

There are parts of me screaming out to believe him. There are parts of me that still love him. But he lied to me, let me have children with him and marry him without telling me the most important thing of all. He has broken me. Not only do I have to deal with the fact that his son has raped and abused my children, which is horrendous enough in itself, but on top of that I have to come to terms with the man I love or thought i did, being a liar, being an abuser. It has blown my entire world apart. it has damaged me beyond repair and I am utterly bereft. Our childrens lives were built on lies, as was our marriage. Because of him, I will NEVER trust anyone again. Not that I want to be, but I know that I will never have a relationship with a man again. I don't know who I can trust anymore. Because of his lies my future is ruined and my past is tainted. And I feel like such a fool. I feel so stupid and gullible. I now question every decision I make or have ever made. Because I don't trust myself to make the right decisions.

I'm sorry that the posts about finding some point in the future and working backwards caused distress. I dis try to post an apology last night but my IPad powered down on me twice!

It did make me think about timings of things for me (I do appreciate we're all very different in how we cope and that our situations are very different). After trial we as a family did nothing really for just over a year. No breaks away to see family, no real adventurous trips out, no memberships etc. We just survived. It took a further year to be able to think ahead and start to have plans so this summer just gone, three years on, was our first holiday.

Many areas have specialist dentists that you can be referred to via your GP or health worker who deal with people who have major psychological issues with dental work. My eldest is Autistic and has significant sensory issues. He has struggled with going to the dentist to the extent that he has had to be knocked out to get dental treatment. Fortunately he is now able to sit in the chair at the dentists, not always sitting back mind, and generally will open his mouth.

There was a thing on the radio this morning that made me think of you all. Have you ever thought about horse therapy? It might be something thats accessible to all of you an activity to do as a family. Its not necessarily about a love of horses but it is very much about establishing trust relationships. With horses there needs to be a mutual trust and I don't know why it works but for some it really does.

Theres a Gower based charity CHAPS that may offer something along these lines. I don't know them personally but they seam to do RDA work and work with youth groups and schools as well as the wider community.

There are also companies which offer equine therapy holidays this explains it a bit. I'm wondering if your social worker might be able to access any direct payments (i'm not sure if direct payments are a disability thing or inclusion thing) for your family to enable some sort of therapy to happen. If it interests you on the line of leading horses it might be worth forwarding them the info and asking if it could be considered as a therapeutic treatment to be funded.

Please don't feel stupid :(

This is a man you have known since you were both teenagers. You had been out and then had been friends for many years. He wasn't some random you met online and asked to come a live with you and your kids after a couple of weeks, that's stupid, not what you did. What more could you have possibly, reasonably done?! Nothing x. You were NOT stupid x

Gulible. 'Easily persuaded to accept something as fact'. He told you he loved you, he acted like he loved you, he supported you, he was there for you. It sounds normal to me that you'd trust him, not 'gullible'.

Looking back, is there anything about him, anything you ignored, that you should have seen?

Let's not forget, it was what, 20 years ago he committed that act. I'm not excusing it, just saying it was a long time ago. What has happened to your two children was down to someone else. Admittedly his son, but not him. What has he done, since then, other than not tell you, that should or could have made you wary of him?

Opies, so, so understandably you have hugely distressing and contradictory feelings and thoughts about your STBXH - so hard to be going round in circles in your head trying to find where and when it 'went wrong' . You may never find an answer or a reason or a resolution of all these questions, but some therapy would likely help you to find some clarity about the way forward.
I know this is not a priority for you just now, but don't rule it out for the future.

Another one saying you were by no means gullible. We all put our trust in people when we start a relationship, there but for the grace of [insert relevant deity here] go all of us.

And remember, seeing the best in people is usually seen as lovely positive attribute to have, you absolutely can't be blamed for not being a mind reader.

Today has been another toughie.

DS is SO angry right now. He keeps telling me that I don't know what he has been through. So I either ask him to tell me, or say that he's right, I don't, but I'm there for him regardless. Today he told me that he wished he had kept what was happening a secret. He said that everything was easier then. I told him that I was glad he had told me as it meant that he wasn't getting hurt anymore. He said he still feels as if he is.

I don't know how to help him. My baby, my poor baby

You are helping him.
Every day.
By being there for him, saying what you say, by not shrinking away from his distress.

He lets you see his anger and hurt because he feels safe with you. The fact that he is letting you see it must be so very hard for you, but is likely helpful to him.

Virtual hugs to you all x.

Ouch. More hugs. Keep being strong. Just being there and being consistent will make a difference.

Whilst the expressing himself like this must be so so painful to hear, its got to be a positive thing that he's letting the emotion out, not shutting down and locking it inside himself.

Yes, it's good that it's coming out. I fear it wold destroy him if it didn't.

It is so good that he can tell you this stuff, even though it's hard to hear :(

Can you ask him to be more specific about what was easier before and why he still feels like he's being hurt now? In telling you, he & you, might be able to find small things to make it a little bit better. He might be missing things you hadn't even thought about - maybe some routine or place you used to go or even cooking dinner together. Things that you haven't even noticed that have changed, it might not all be The Obvious (iyswim).

You shouldn't have to be doing this, someone separate from the emotions of it should be, but as no one seems to be available I guess it's going to to have to be you doing your best to help him through this.

It's fucking ridiculous. I wish I knew who I could shout at to get you some help :(

As always I wish we lived closer to each other. I can only imagine how things are for you my friend. I feel totally frustrated that there is nothing I can do to help, that there is nothing I can say that will make things better. All I can say is that I send you all my deepest love. Just read that back to myself and it is pathetically inadequate.

I still have the same mobile number if you need to contact me - or I can PM you my home phone number if that is better for you.

If there is anything at all I can do I will. xxxx

Oh Shabbs, you are wonderful, you know. Everyone on this thread is. I so appreciate all of your support. It really does mean so much to me. I was so worried about posting originally. I thought people would blame me too.

I ordered some of those chewable toothbrushes and they have just arrived, and I've managed to persuade DS to use some children's mouthwash too. Fingers crossed that he'll be able to use them. I'm also awaiting a referral to a specialist dentist that deals with kids with SEN and would be very patient with him.

No one in their right mind would blame you

Good news about the dental stuff - the last thing he needs is tooth decay and having to have fillings etc - far more time in the chair apart from anything else. The dentist will probably suggest (and you can ask if s/he doesn't) about coating his teeth. It takes 5 minutes and it is put on a bit like nail polish, it 'fills' the uneven bit and ridges and so helps stuff not to build up. It's usually done when they're a bit younger, so he might have already had it done once, but you can do it again.

I hope he likes the chewable toothbrushes. I don't know which ones you ordered but you can get some that are little balls as well. He might find them a bit gaggy, I'm not keen myself - but the kids like them. Trial and error hey. Did you get the tiny toothbrush and disclosure tablets - they've been a bit hit too amongst the ordinarily reluctant toothbrushers.

How have you got on with what they other Mner emailed to you?

Oh and I couldn't agree more - Shabbs IS wonderful x