We have been let down by the justice system. [**Edited by MNHQ, thread may be triggering**]

[OpiesOldLady]

I need to get this out. Some of you will recognise the details, I posted previously under a different name, but tbh I'm sick of hiding now, and being ashamed.

My son was raped and sexually abused by my step son. He also abused my daughter. He was found guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of sexual abuse. We were led to believe that the judge would send him to crown court for sentencing and a custodial sentence would be imposed.

Today he was give a two year rehabilitation order and has been placed on the sex offenders register for five years. He has basically gotten away with a slap on the wrists.

I feel so incredibly let down. My babies had to give evidence against him, he put them through that... and yet he gets to go home tonight, free.

He will get counselling and all manner of professional help, whilst I am having to fight tooth and nail to access some proper support for my children. They are on a waiting list for intensive therapy, but that could take months. In the meantime, I have to watch as my son fades away before my eyes, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this is justice?

I want to appeal his sentence as I think it's far too lenient, but I don't know if i'll be allowed to, I'm waiting to hear back from the Attourney Generals office.

I am swinging between being so furious, devastated and wanting to kill him with my bare hands. How could he do this and just get away with it?

No, you cannot .

But you can ensure that he and his sister have the best future imaginable.
And you are doing that.

Glad the school are paying attention and there are others routing for you.

Your DS has fortunately still got a few years till exam levels are chosen etc. so maybe if school are doing what they can looking after his mental health, as you are, is best priority for now. His school notes will no doubt show his academic potential and this can be tackled when he is at high school and other areas of life have become more stable.

Regarding facebook spying/ anger/ revenge/ constructive anger, a technique that one of my husbands support therapies used when its not possible or realistic to not think things, is to allocate it a time slot. So for example if you have a day where you have a fixed thing to do that involves other people dedicate one or two hours before that appointment for processing that emotion. It needs to be before you have another appointment so that you don't get lost in a depressive cycle with it and can break the loop again.

Obviously its not easy but if you can find a way to say to yourself i'm not going to go down that road right now, i'll check it out Wednesday, then endeavour to refocus on positive emotion/ or more realistically just being busy. It seams to help stop the cycle of feeling guilty for having the (natural) thoughts and then feeling angry/ then guilty and running yourself down over it. If once a week is too much then it can be more frequent and the idea is over months you slowly reduce the frequency of negative emotion slots and then over time your able to cope more with the thoughts without them being the dominant thing in your life. Its not that they are gone, its just it helps to stop the dominance and guilt elements of having the thoughts.

Ideally you need to walk away mentally from him and keeping track of him. Cut all the ties and reminders you can. Again its hard but its just not constructive. DH and I deleted our facebook accounts for a couple of years to stop looking. I've got one again now three years on and i don't snoop any more.

I do still have hateful angry thoughts, but they're less frequent, and loose the odd hour or three in bitter thought. Its monthly now. Not daily as it was.

There are so many vicious emotional circles to work through.

I had to roll my eyes when you posted about asking you to supervise contact. Mental health services contacted me a few months after things went to court and asked me to bring the offender to appointments because he hadn't been turning up and they had me as a contact. The police had taken out restraining orders to prevent him contacting me or being near but this was like another twist of the knife just as I was starting to try to rebuild my families life.

We'd expected things to get bumped up to crown court and a 5-7 year stretch. The CPS/ police even reduced the charge list to just the three major incidents so as not to muddy waters as some of the others could be seen as more minor offences. He pled guilty and got an £85 fine/ costs that he probably didn't pay.

The police were popping by regularly and had patrols in our area to keep a close presence and yet mental health services thought it would be okay for me to bring him to appointments.

Its not malicious though is it? Its just support services are so stretched that people sometimes don't really stop and think.

I hope that the weekend brings some quiet/ peaceful moments for you where you get some of those odd parent moments of just welling up with how lovely your DC are and enjoying hugs together.

Absolutely a big, fat NO to supervising him and making it look like any kind of happy families. You can't put yourself through that and it would send the kids the wrong signals.

No one knows how much DS will, or wont, catch up before then. It is one full year and two out of three terms of this year away. It is LOADS of academic time. Also, he will still have a good couple of years to further catch up, if he needs to, before exams. Frankly, even if he does crap in his GCSE's it matters not. He can catch up when he's ready. Right now, ALL that matters is that he is as happy as he can be at school and they are working on the social/friendship side of things for and with him and NOT making an issue about where he is academically. He needs to feel safe and he needs to rebuild his confidence and his friendships, that is ALL that matters.

It is sad because of why he is now behind and that understandably makes you sad and angry, but really don't let this be an added pressure on either of you. We get drawn into the system, but it's not the be all and end all. The be all and end all is him being happy - try to allow yourself to let the rest go.

DS said that he wished it had been him that died instead of his twin brother

I hope you can get some guidance from people who really, really know their stuff about this kind of thing, because I don't know if I am right or not, but I would have thought that at some stage you have to start confronting those thoughts and making him see that what happened to him was awful, truly, truly, awful but it doesn't define him, it doesn't have to shape his life. To talk about all the good things that have happened to him in his life, all the good things he has now and all the good things he can have in the future - things his brother will never have the opportunity to have :( - make him see that this is one small part of his life and though he will never forget it, there will be other things to fill his life so this gets smaller and smaller. I don't know how to word this - but bear with me...it is good to be able to talk about stuff and be honest, but it's also good not to be allowed to make something even bigger than it is, to make it who were are - it isn't who he is, it's awful, it's hurt him but he's more than this one awful thing... does that make any sense??

I wonder if there are any good books you could read together? There must be something out there?!

Good news is that school are finally going to request a CAHMS assessment for him. Not for sexual abuse counselling, but to assess his mental health. Hopefully that won't take too long

That's great news, I hope they sort things out quickly. He needs an outsider to talk to, face to face. He needs to be able to let off steam without worrying about hurting you.

What have you got planned for the weekend?
x

Hi Opie, I'm so sorry to hear what your family is going through.
With regard to the Xbox, I have attached a screen shot of how to remove someone from the friends list. Hope it helps.

Misfor - you talk an awful lot of sense. I know I need to get to that place you're in, but I really am not sure how. One foot in front of the other, I suppose.

Chipping - You too talk an awful lot of sense. I'm incredibly lucky to be supported by such wise women. Thank you.

Hedwig - thank you so much for that, that's brilliant

I'm feeling pretty low today. I'm just tired of being strong all the time, I guess.

It's not surprising. I am amazed at the strength you have shown so far, that's one hell of a lot of shit in a year :(

Are you eating properly?

Is there anything you can think of that would help rebuild you a bit?

It is bloody exhausting being strong All The Time - which is why we are all concerned about how you are managing your own reserves.

One foot in front of the other is about right - I don't buy in to the concept of 'time being a great healer' (although it works for grazed knees ), but with time the human mind has a way of making sense of what has happened to it and usually making some kind of peace with it and still getting on with things, and having fun, and living Life.

Look after yourself. Really well - you need and deserve it.

I am eating, though it's not properly, I suppose. I'm a diabetic and I've recently started taking insulin as my blood sugars were in the high 40/50's. With the insulin it's down to the early teens, but I'm finding I'm making sure the kids eat well - lots of veggies and home cooked food, but I find when it comes to eat it I just don't fancy it, but as I have to take the insulin I have to eat something so I usually end up with a bowl of cereal. I'm just not hungry anymore.

And yes, I am exhausted. I can't remember the last time I went to bed and woke up naturally.

Blood sugars in their 40s/50s? - I am amazed you are still standing tbh.
Would you consider seeing your GP or practice nurse for a diabetes check?

I was going to post something about considering 'food as fuel', so to eat even if you don't feel like it, but with you being diabetic that take on a whole new dimension of importance.
This is obviously not the thread for diabetic diet tips, but you will be aware that cereal gives you a whole load of quickly absorbed carbohydrates which is just the wrong kind of thing for you. Would it be possible for you to just eat with the kids? If you cook 'proper dinners' for them, eat with them? Good wrt conversation and spening time with them, teaches them good food 'manners' and may help with getting some home cooking in to you?

You are running on empty.
The flip side of the high blood sugar is that the energy that carbs/sugar could give you is not available to your cells which is where insulin should take the sugar to.
Get the diabetes looked at - it may just help with your energy levels.

So sorry to hear that today is a low one. Don't feel guilt over things you could have been doing, just accept some days are tougher than others and that whilst you are super human with all you've coped with and maintained your dignity and strength that word human is still in there and all people have low days.

Can I ask a Mil question? You mentioned earlier in the thead that she popped in and you tolerated her. I assume therfore there is no love loss between you but maybe also she's not a real threat to you, if you found a way to tolerate her? I'm also assuming she's still interested in contact with her DGC.

Is there any way that she could provide you some support to you, so you can shout and scream and not be strong for a few hours every so often or even do a completely frivolous activity that is nothing to do with being a mum or children - just a tiny mental window from things?

Yes, I've been to the GP's and they referred me to the hospital, hence me being started on insulin. They said the high BS's could be down to stress (no, really?!?!) and I should consider not getting so stressed...

As for MIL. Well, things aren't good between us at all, and theres no love lost between us. She knew all about stbxh's conviction, and chose to say nothing. She let me have children with him, marry him... knowing that. Annoyingly the children idolise her, and her them, so I let her see them on MY terms. She only sees them at my house and I never leave them alone with her.

So yes, I tolerate her, for the kids sake. Even before all this came out there was no love lost between us. She's very entitled and hasn't quite cut the umbilical cord as yet.

Sorry that she can't be a help. Still what is, is. I promise not to go on about it.

Opies sadly, that doesn't surprise me. When my godson was on a life support machine, that they were threatening to turn off, my friend ran out of her asthma inhaler, so a Dr (in Neo Natal care, where her son was) did an assessment on my friend (so they could prescribe another inhaler for her), she said to my friend that she seemed stressed and asked my friend if she had any idea why that might be... yep... really.

She was lucky neither of us rammed her head through the nearest window, it was a very close call.

I don't know how you are coping with all of this, with your diabetes at that level either. You have to start eating proper food, even if it's not a lot, you have to - if you can't do it for yourself (holds up hand) then do it for your kids. You have to do it for your kids. They can't have you in hospital or worse. You are already cooking for them, just have a small portion of the good bits.

I think you are far, far more tolerant of your MIL than I would be. I wouldn't let her see them at all. She had the knowledge to have prevented this - and she didn't, she might as well have done it herself.

I just feel that they have lost so much already, oh I don't know. It's hard.

Oh, excellent advice: 'don't be so stressed' - helpful. Not.
I do hope that if your BMs come down, you'll feel physically a bit better.

No advice re MiL - I see what you are saying re not wanting to hoist another loss on your DCs, but equally what Chipping is saying… It is hard. I suppose the thing is, do the DCs enjoy spending time with her?

I get that they adore her and you don't want to take her away from them, but I just couldn't stand by and see them getting more and more attached to her when all the while she allowed you to marry him, to have children with him and bring his son into your life. She will protect her own son at the cost of your children and I couldn't tolerate that.

Mind you, as I said, I would go NC with your ex as well. He knew the risk he was placing your children in, they both did.

I wouldn't be giving the children the choice, I don't feel it's a choice they can make at their age, not really knowing everything.

However, this is your life, you are having to deal with it and you have to do what's right for you. I am right behind you making whatever choice YOU think is right for your family x I just think that sometimes it's helpful to know what other people's limits are and what they would do.

Big picture question. In twelve months time where would you like to be? What would you like the access situation to be with your DC/ their dad? What would you like the families counselling situation to be? What thing would you choose for you to have for you i.e. Evening class/ gym membership/ cinema pass/ monthly night out with a friend? What milestones do you think are achievable for the DC?

Its not about having answers to all the questions but I was wondering if there are some answers to some of them whether it would then be possible to put some of the smaller processes in place (over the year not all now) to make them happen.

You've actually achieved so much moving forwards i have absolutely no doubt in your ability to carry on achieving.

I guess I am going about this all wrong. I thought I was doing the best thing for them. They idolise him, DS2 especially. He's lost so much already - his biological father died when he was three - and I'm just very scared that if they had to cope with losing him completely, then they wouldn't.

DD1, I think feels his absence from here more acutely then she does the abuse she suffered, if that makes sense at all. They all miss him dreadfully. I really thought I was doing the right thing, helping them to maintain a relationship of sorts with him, but a relationship that was on social services terms.

At the moment, he is waiting to be assessed as to the danger he poses to children. Then the judge will decide how any further contact should go ahead. He might decide that there should no further contact.

I was awake until the wee hours thinking about your questions, M, and the answer to most of them is... I don't know. I do know that I very much hope that in a years time there will be regular therapy sessions for DS and DD. I hope that DS has moved on to a place where he feels safe and secure and doesn't hurt so much. I hope that he smiles again. As for me, i'll be ok as long as my babies are.

You are doing nothing wrong - you are making well-thought through decisions under impossible circumstances with your DCs' best interests at heart. Nobody could do any better

Self doubt is natural. Its not like you can go to a library or search online to find out what to do. I can't think of a single thing you've posted which I haven't thought wow, this women is so strong and together.

I'm sorry that the questions kept you up. Its one of my coping things when i feel a bit directionless/ lost, i look to a point in the future and sort of fantasise about how I'd like life to be then. I then work backwards to see what i'd need to do to get from here to there. I guess its sort of about finding dreams from darkness and if you can build a positive image of how something will be in the future it can give hope.

From what you post the top priority that comes to the forefront is the counselling particularly for your DD and DS. For DS it sounds like you're going to be able to get some CAMH's support (hopefully) in the near future. Is it worth sending an email to confirm with those who were in attendance that thats your interpretation of what will happen and how much you look forward to it?

Did the NSPCC confirm that the children are now on the waiting list for counselling? Do you have a sort of contact reference that you can phone/ email fortnightly to see how the waiting list is going?

You should be proud of yourself. When you've dug deep and thought about your deepest priorities you're already on top of it.

PD is right, you are making well thought out decisions under impossible conditions. You have held all of this together for over a year now, you're doing so well. I wish you could get some practical help and some counselling sorted for all of you. Professional people should be helping you work out what's best for the kids, not leaving you to work through this on your own, it's not fair.

As I said, I'd make some different decisions to you, I'm not saying that they are right and you are wrong, definitely not, I'm just saying it's what I would do & why. I think that sometimes it helps to know that other people think differently and if it's something we have been considering, it is actually an acceptable alternative. I expect there has been pressure on you to maintain contact between ExDH & ex mil & the children, I just wanted to say 'you have alternatives and personally I'd take them', not that your decisions are wrong.

I hope that makes some sense - I've not had coffee yet, I just didn't want you to keep thinking that any of us thought you were doing this all wrong xx .

Oh opie. Have just read this thread. I am so, so sorry for what you and your children have been put through. I wish we could take the pain away.

It hadn't actually occurred to me that I could say that I didn't want him to see the kids. It never crossed my mind and SS never presented it as an option. He was just asked to leave the house, and then a few days later I was told that they had arranged contact for them. It's certainly given me food for thought, Made me wonder if perhaps I hold more cards than I thought, iyswim?

I've tried to look forward to see if I can see what I want for our future, and to be honest, I just can't. The here and now, and surviving every day is more important. Getting us all through each day in one piece is my aim, especially with DS. To make sure he carries on carrying on.

Yes, the NSPCC have confirmed we're on their list. There are four families in front of us though, and that could take months. My SW is chasing them up weekly. I'll chase up the school tomorrow. I've some forms to fill in for them.

Today has been tough. DS has mostly been angry. Shouty. Hurting the younger ones Have tried to give him lots of love and cwtches, but he's just a ball of red hot fury.

Sounds daft, but I'm struggling to get him to brush his teeth. He wasn't too bad before, but now he's struggling having anything near his mouth Understandable, but his oral health is suffering. He won't tolerate an actual toothbrush in there, and so he's been using his finger with toothpaste on, but only once a day and really quickly. I encourage him as much as possible, but feel like I can't pin him down and force him to do it - I think it's important that he is allowed to decide what happens to his body, after everything that has happened. But I don't know how to tackle this. I've sat with him and explained how important it is that he brush his teeth regularly, but he just can't.

Ah, poor thing

Do you think he would try a mouthwash? Less 'intrusive' maybe??
I am not sure from what age children can be expected to gargle tbh.
Flossing?? Those wee interdental brushes?

I thinking living from one day to the next is a good survival strategy just now, but also see how the projecting yourself 5 or 10 or 20 years ahead may give perspective. You do what you can do and what you might find helpful.

I have no idea what to advise about their father.
I am still reeling from you saying that he was an abuser himself .
And wanting to do what's the right thing for your DCs - which may or may not be what they want just now… I really think these are issues you'd benefit from some help from an experienced child sexual abuse psychologist. I hope something comes through quickly.
And yes, maybe you do have a few more cards in your hands than you thought.
{{hugs}}

I'm glad it's given you a couple of things to think about that will hopefully make you feel a bit more in control of the situation.

I hope the counselling comes through soon.

What have you been saying to him when he has been hurting the younger ones? Is there something in particular setting him off (to hurt them) or just his general anger over spilling into outbursts?

Have you got anywhere you could hang a punch bag? They are massively therapeutic.

I think we may have discussed it a while ago, but can you get him enrolled at any of the marshal arts, kick boxing etc, they're very good for a physical outlet and mental control.

He's definitely old enough for mouth wash - they even do children's ones. And for flossing.

How do you think he'd cope with going to the dentist/hygienist. If you just said that they'd phoned with his annual check up details.

You could try getting some of these chewable toothbrushes

Also, try getting the smallest baby toothbrush, it does make a big difference and some of these dental disclosure tablets

The dental disclosure tablets are fun - they show where you haven't been cleaning, then he can try with his finger to see what he can remove, then with the baby brush or the chewable brush, it might make him see how bad it is and it might also take his mind of anything else (:() if he is focusing on the red dye.