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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

324 replies

DoYouRegret · 23/01/2018 23:54

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it Sad) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 27/01/2018 10:01

If your marriage nreaks down over this he may find himmself in another relationship really anxious to have another child.
Also l had desperate pregnancies . So sick morning noon and night. I swore if l could grt through it l would never do it again..4 times!!! Anyone deciding not to have another please wait a while after to decide. Even my family were shocked l was pregnant again as so sick.
I have sons and feel they would be young at 24 to make that decision. One has a baby much younger than that . I think counselling is a good suggestion.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2018 10:06

Chaos
That’s assertion is bollocks. I and other posters like myself think the op should try to manipulate or persuade her husband to have another child. I and others like me have voiced our reasoned opinions several times on this thread. I thoroughly object to your post, which I find manipulative and disingenuous. Angry

BakedBeans47 · 27/01/2018 10:09

As everyone says it’s up to him but if I was in your position, I’d leave. You don’t want the same things in life. It’s no basis for a successful marriage.

ChaosNeverRains · 27/01/2018 10:43

That link for the people who say that posts saying he should have had the snip when accidental pregnancies occur never happen.

Haven’t read the whole thread but the first suggestion of that is just two posts in.....

lynmilne65 · 27/01/2018 11:03

used to be had to have consent fro both

lynmilne65 · 27/01/2018 11:04

He's an MCP

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/01/2018 11:35

lynmilne65

assuming MCP = Male Chauvanist Pig,

Why? because he is taking control of his own fertility? or because he isn't bending to the demands of his wife?

SoupDragon · 27/01/2018 12:11

I and other posters like myself think the op should try to manipulate or persuade her husband to have another child.

Is this sentence what you meant to type? Confused

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2018 12:47

Soup
I have ME I’m very ill atm. Thank you pointing out my posts are lacking coherence in parts and are not always grammatically correct. No that’s not exactly what I meant. I’m sure you can read behind the lines. Idk what ur trying to achieve by pointing it out. I’m sure I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise 🙄

expatinscotland · 27/01/2018 13:06

'I have seen women post on here looking for advice as they are unexpectedly pregnant, and saying that the father is moaning about the pregnancy, about trust, about feeling tricked etc etc and the view is, from some posters, that the man should have a vasectomy if he didn't want/doesn't want children.

I been here a while too, and I have seen it.'

This. With bells on. The double standards on this thread are shocking.

princesssparkle1 · 27/01/2018 13:11

His body, his choice. As with a woman who wants an abortion.

But I couldn't stay with a man who made this decision totally disregarding your feelings.

If that disregard has happened I wonder what else he will 'just do'

SoupDragon · 27/01/2018 13:17

Mummyoflittledragon well excuse me for questioning whether you really thought the OP should manipulate her DH into having another child. FFS.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2018 13:43

Soup
If you were questioning the meaning, perhaps it would have been better to ask for the meaning instead of using an emoticon, which is pretty much universally used on here to dismiss what the poster has said.

Nanny0gg · 27/01/2018 13:57

But the way to deal with it is to discuss the situation, weigh it up, both be frank about what this means for the future of their marriage and then decide what the way forward is for them. That might mean working on coming to terms with no children, it might mean working out how to end amicably, it might mean to review how they feel in a year. Either way the approach of 'i want a vasectomy and am having one. I've changed my mind on kids but want you to still want this relationship' isn't the way for him to go about it.

Beautifully put. It's the unilateral decision-making with no discussion that is wrong. It's supposed to be a partnership.
It may be his body, his choice, but you owe it to your partner to give them a chance to air their views and discuss the ramifications.

He's clearly done that with his parents...

MaisyPops · 27/01/2018 14:05

Nanny0gg
I'm glad you see my point.
It's not wanting a vasectomy which is the issue, it's the unilateral decision making and the fact he has clearly been talking to his over involved parents more than his wife.

ChaosNeverRains · 27/01/2018 14:17

We don’t actually know that he’s been talking to his parents more than his wife though do we? The OP has stated that he has made it very clear that he didn’t want children from the moment their DD was born.

And as long as a man is obligated to discuss his vasectomy and put it off for the sake of his wife, so a woman should be obligated to not have a termination if her husband doesn’t want one. In fact I’d say a woman should be more obliged to not terminate an already existing pregnancy than anyone should be to not be sterilised on the off chance. The baby is already in existence after all, she shouldn’t have the right to get rid of it if the father doesn’t want her to.

But of course no-one would ever agree with that, because carrying a baby is obviously so much more difficult than not wanting to have one.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 27/01/2018 14:25

Excellent point Chaos.

In the event of a pregnancy, the woman holds all the cards. She can proceed against the father's will and also terminate against his will.

Therefore, married or not, a man has the right to do what he likes in regards to his own fertility. He would be very wise to as well many "unplanned" pregnancies seem to happen when only one side is trusted with contraception.

MaisyPops · 27/01/2018 14:26

I don't think he should put off a vasectomy for his wife.
I do think he has a moral obligation as a husband to keep a discuss about their family planning within their marriage (maybe a close friend) and not indulge his parents who already feel entitled to weigh in forcefully with their own views.

I also think that the discussion should involve him ahd his wife discussing the full situation, both outline their feelings, both discuss what the way forward should be. If after that he still wants a vasectony, they should both come to a decision about where this decision leaves their marriage as thr terms of the relationship have changed. It might mean they work past it. It might be a deal breaker. However the discussion between him and his wife sould be key here.

What I get from this thread is i wanted 2-3 children at the start of the relationship, now we have a child and i don't think i want more. Meanwhile ny parents are going on and on at me about how they don't want ro be grandparents and are always making their feelings on my family very clear. My family feel so strongly about this they've arranged for grandparents to give me the money to have the vasectomy because really they have their own agenda about not wanting any more grandchildren. So now I've decided i am having a vasectomy and i've basically told my wife that I am having a vasectomy but also want the relationship to carry on as normal'.

He wants to make unilateral decisions that affect their whole family and thinks his wife and child should fall in line behind him. THAT is the problem, not the vasectomy.

SoupDragon · 27/01/2018 16:21

If you were questioning the meaning, perhaps it would have been better to ask for the meaning instead of using an emoticon, which is pretty much universally used on here to dismiss what the poster has said.

Which is why i asked if that was what you actually meant to say. In words, with a question mark after it.

Did you mean to say that you think the op should try to manipulate or persuade her husband to have another child or not? Because that is a pretty disgusting attitude if you did, hence my use of the confused emoticon as I could not believe anyone could possibly think like that.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/01/2018 16:56

What I get from this thread is i wanted 2-3 children at the start of the relationship, now we have a child and i don't think i want more. Meanwhile ny parents are going on and on at me about how they don't want ro be grandparents and are always making their feelings on my family very clear. My family feel so strongly about this they've arranged for grandparents to give me the money to have the vasectomy because really they have their own agenda about not wanting any more grandchildren. So now I've decided i am having a vasectomy and i've basically told my wife that I am having a vasectomy but also want the relationship to carry on as normal'.

there is a whole lot of supposition in there based on the "feelings" of the OP and no real evidence.

MaisyPops · 27/01/2018 17:21

Ok so lets go by the bare facts and avoid reading between the lines:
Man says he wants 2-3 children
There is an unplanned pregnancy
couple have a baby
At some point after baby 1, man thinks she doesn't want any more children
Man's parents are endlessly reminding yhe couple how THEY feel about not wanting grandchildren and how THEY don't want him to have anymore
Somehow (guessing via discussing family planning with his family) his grandparents say 'here have some money for a vasectomy'.
Man takes the view (correctly!) that his body means his choice.
However, instead of handling it properly, discussing it properly and sensitively with his wife, discussing how they both feel about such a big decision, discussing the potential implications for their marriage (e.g. could we work with 1 child or is it a deal breaker), man decides he's going yo take the family cash and book a vasectomy with almost zero regard for his wife and the mother of his child.

The issue isn't him changing his mind on kids or wanting a vasectomy. The issue there is a man here who is quite happy to make unilateral decisions and then expect wifey to just sort everything else around it.

If I was the OP, the marriage would be over in my eyes, not because of the vasectomy but because of the insensitive and underhand way he had been behaving

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/01/2018 17:42

MaisyPops

You missed that the OP didn't want kids and now does.

The situations have been reversed, she didn't want kids and took care of the contraceptive.

He now doesn't want kids and is taking care of the contraceptives.

But for a "happy accident" the OP could still not want children and her DH still want them.

MaisyPops · 27/01/2018 17:50

I'm not missing that at all.

She did not want kids. He did.
But they were BOTH clear and up front about that at the start of the relationship. He continued the relationship in the full knowledge that OP wasn't up for kids. Clearly that wasn't a deal breaker for him.

Yes, she changed her mind and yes they had an unplanned pregnancy. But he wanted kids and when the situation of an unplanned pregnancy arose they had to decide what to do about it. Either continue or end the pregnancy. They chose to continue.

That is irrelevant to what's happened here. Sure he might have still wanted kids and she might still have not wanted them... and so they would have to have sat down and discussed how it impacts on the relationship.

What he has done is said 'i want 2-3 kids, we've had a child, i don't want any more and even though you do I'm just going do my thing and expect you to hop on board'.

He is well within his rights to want a vasectomy however him making this decision now is totally different to him and the OP being up front and honest about their plans at the start of the relationship.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/01/2018 17:53

MaisyPops

Its not irrelevant at all. At some point they have spoken about this or the OP wouldn't know what is going on.

What has changed is that the original positions are now reversed and the OP has the same decision to make as her DH did.