Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

[DoYouRegret]

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it ) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

I am finding it horrifying that apparently the OP's husband has to keep himself available to fertilise her at her wishes and is not allowed to ensure that he does not have more children.

The OP can have more children if she wants. He is not taking HER capacity to reproduce away. The OP has a choice: she can have him and one child, or more children and not him. She cannot have her cake and eat it in this case.

I am finding it horrifying that apparently the OP's husband has to keep himself available to fertilise her at her wishes and is not allowed to ensure that he does not have more children
Maybe it's just me but i view taking a permanent step to having no more children ever as the sort of step whrre both parties in a relationship discuss the issue between thr 2 of them.

It is absolutely his body and his choice but saying 'i am getting a vasectomy so tough' to me would be the end of a relationship as it tells me that my DH has zero consideration for my feelings and thinks that good old wifey should put up and shut up.
I don't think I would recover from such a big decision which does impact on me ajd my marriage being made without discussion with me, especially if my DH started off saying he wanted 2 or 3 children. I would feel disrespected and lied to and that's before tjr parent/grandparent input.

It is absolutely his body and his choice but saying 'i am getting a vasectomy so tough' to me would be the end of a relationship as it tells me that my DH has zero consideration for my feelings and thinks that good old wifey should put up and shut up.

That's why I said earlier: the OP can have one child and him, or more children and not him.

They are clearly incompatible as far as this issue is concerned and there is no compromising over children.

Wow, man doesn't want kids, adheres to the standard response of many people on MN, in that he has taken the responsibility for his decision, and he is still a bastard to many posters.

It's his body his choice, of course he can do whatever he wants with his body. However I would hope that when he made this decision he took into account my feelings. No he doesn't have to, but I would hope that my partner would, because it is a decision that would affect both of us and our current dc. I also think that if you are to do this then you would get the full facts because there is the huge possibility that at this age you could leave him to have more dc if he makes this decision, nd I would hope my dh would ask me this before going ahead.

I would say to my husband "it's your body, however I want another child, so if you go ahead with this procedure you have to accept that I may leave you down the line in orded to have another child," I would also worry at 24 that he might not fully know that he doesnt want anymore dc and to have aa vasectomy you have to be entirely sure, you can't go in thinking "it's reversible". It's a final decision and he is very young (the same age as me and I have no idea)

How much do you want another dc? I think that's what you have to decide. If he is adamant in going ahead, you can't stop him you can only chose to leave or stay. It wouldn't be you breaking up the family, he knew when he got a vasectomy that this was an option and at the end of the day you simply don't have compatible views on what you want your lives to be. I think I would resent him tbh and I would probably leave, but it is your choice. Does e know how you feel?

Exactly, Boney.

I want another child but I'm not desperate for it to be right now. I can't imagine never going to my DDs Nursery again after she leaves next year, I have an idea about names if it were to happen. I can't bare to get rid of DDs clothes she's grown out of incase I need them again, they're all bagged up, labelled and in the attic.

But then I have the occasional day where I think "that's it, I'm done".

I'm not sure I'd resent my DH for not having another child, as it's not a desperate need right now, but it may become desperate in the future, so don't want to close off my options.

Your options are not closed off. You can always have more children. Just not with him. He doesn't want any more.

His body his choice.

He did say he didn't want any more children. Did you not notice this at the time or discuss it?

You do have the option to have more children, just not with him. He reneged if he told you he wanted at least 2 if not more. And you're within your rights to leave just as he is to not have any more. My ex h and I got together fairly young and didn't discuss it all just one of those 'one day maybe' discussions, but when push came to shove he decided none so I had to either go with that or move on. But he did have a vasectomy to never have any children and never had any. I have a number of friends, both male and female, who opted for sterlisation who never wanted them and no regrets because they knew they never wanted them. If they met potential partners who did they made it clear that wasn't on the cards and cut off the relationship sharpish.

It's a dealbreaker for some, but their body, their choice.

Idontdowindows
But the way to deal with it is to discuss the situation, weigh it up, both be frank about what this means for the future of their marriage and then decide what the way forward is for them. That might mean working on coming to terms with no children, it might mean working out hoq to end amicably, it might mean to review how they feel in a year.

Either way the approach of 'i want a vasectomy and am having one. I've changed my mind on kids but want you to still want this relationship' isn't the way for him to go about it.

RockinHippy
Ahh, that makes more sense now Squeeks you are talking personally f I'm the POV of the DH.
I still disagree, though as a mother, carrying the MUCH larger burden of pregnancy, birth & more often than not, child rearing, I can agree with you & your body, your choice, far more so than I can the OPs DH. So I really can't agree there is really a comparison.
Yes i can completely see his side as im living it, just from the female perspective.
He has as much right to bodily autonomy as any woman does.
Broken down both are medical procedures, she has a right to abort without his consent as much as he can be sterilized without hers.
Yeah in an ideal world people would discuss this but it seems he is that set and this is the only way he can make op get it. I get an odd feeling op does drop hints like oh wouldnt 2 be cute or if we had 2..... so not discussions or nagging as such but even the 'cute' little hints build up and make him feel not listened too. That totally wouldnt be op intention either, i get that but how he see it would be different

so let’s get this straight. If a woman doesn’t want to have a baby she doesn’t have to have one, her body her choice. Even down to the fact that if she is pregnant she can terminate that pregnancy and no-one but her has a say in that, her body her choice.
But if a man decides he doesn’t want any more children ever and wants a vasectomy (his body, his choice) he is selfish for doing so if that’s not what the woman wants, (his body, her choice.) but if he then uses contraception (on the basis that if he doesn’t want children then he is responsible for contraception) and that fails and the woman falls pregnant and decides that she doesn’t want a termination (her body, her choice) then he is still financially responsible for that baby, after all if he didn’t want another baby he should have had a vasectomy. Except having a vasectomy would be selfish.....
Yeah, that’s logic.
Oh damn thankyou, was trying to wrap my head around just this

No! No! No!
Write to the doctor and explain why you don't want it to go ahead.
24 is too young to make this drastic decision for both of you.
What a load of crap, he is an adult, not a child. He made a choice for him, she is still able to have kids, just not with him and as op has said leaving isnt an option

But the way to deal with it is to discuss the situation, weigh it up, both be frank about what this means for the future of their marriage and then decide what the way forward is for them.

the thing is, there is no them. There is no compromise between having more children and not having more children.

Sure, it might mean that the OP is going to leave him to be able to have more children, but just like he cannot expect her to agree with his vasectomy and will have to face the consequences, she cannot expect him to not have the vasectomy and will have to face those consequences.

Wow. People really don’t get the concept of bodily autonomy, do they.

His body. His choice.

He does not want any more children. He is doing the most ethical thing he can in this situation and taking decisive steps to ensure it does not happen. He is being extremely responsible in doing so.

I appreciate that it is sad and difficult for the OP, but unfortunately that is just the way it’s going to have to be. If he does not want more children and he feels strongly enough about it to get sterilised, then I’m afraid doing anything other than that would just be wrong. Life is not always fair, life is not always happy and we cannot always have everything we want.

Sorry DoYouRegret I realise you’re gutted, and I understand, of course. I wasn’t commenting directly to you when I wrote the above, just a general comment to some of the people on here who seem to think that fluffy, snuggly feelings of wanting more babies somehow should override another individual’s right to determine that they are not going to be put in the position where an unwanted child is created.

I appreciate it’s very difficult for you.

His body. His choice

Yes it is his choice

OP can still have more children - just not with this man

He's not taking away any future children you may want, he's taking away the option that he will be the father of those children.

And there is OPs dilema

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them? The thing is, resentment works both ways. If he didn't go ahead with the op, and you became pregnant, he could resent you and the new baby. If he feels that he is done, then perhaps you should take his word for it, and let him do this.

Those saying he is probably influenced by his parents, can a man not have thoughts and feelings of his own?

The stock answer when a woman comes on here with an unplanned pregnancy where the partner is not happy is "he should have had a vasectomy" yet here we are, saying your dh is wrong in wanting to control how many children he has.

I have 2 dc. I don't want anymore. Dh said he would happily add to our family. So I was sterilised. With his full knowledge. I don't have to be forced to take of more children if I do not want to. No one gets to override my feelings about this, just like you do not get to override your husbands.

You now have to decide if your love for him is strong enough to over come this, if the little family you do have is enough, or if you need to pursue your need for more children elsewhere.

His body his choice, sure, but I don't think it's very fair on you. It's as if only his feelings deserve consideration. Is he normally this selfish? I don't think I have EVER read on here, a woman being called selfish when her dh was trying to pressure her into having another child. No one would call op selfish if she didn't want anymore, but her dh did. In fact, he would STILL be the selfish one according to some on here.

It is highly likely that he will decide at some point it was a mistake despite his 'adult' status. How well do you know him to be able to say that?

My partner only wanted one and I begged and pleaded until we had our second ... now says he wants a vasectomy and I want one more. I have to respect his choice but I’m pushing for the implant or IUD for three years and then we will review. @DollyLlama
So he only wanted one, you coerced him into having two, and now YOU are planning to "review" your situation in three years, hoping you can coerce him into having ONE LAST BABY? Can you imagine a man on here saying that about his wife? Your husband should be allowed to have his vasectomy. He already has been forced to have one more child than he wants, and you are planning to force it again. Disgusting.

Ultimately though, the person who doesn’t want another trumps the one who does Except in your case, hey Dolly!!

Having a vasectomy without telling his partner His partner does know though....she is here now bemoaning about his selfishness.

His attitude and tact is really very immature Actually his attitude is very mature. He know what he wants and is sticking to it. There is nothing immature about that!

differentname
The standard response for an unwanted pregnancy isn’t “he should have had a vasectomy”. The standard response is he knew he was taking a risk of pregnancy when he had sex. That once the sperm leaves his body, he knows he no longer has autonomy over that sperm.

His decision isn’t “very mature” as he hasn’t taken the time to discuss the situation with his wife. There was a thread on here about a man who refused to discuss his reasons to break up with his partner and booked a plane ticket for her the next morning to leave. They were finished. That was that. He drove her to the airport in silence.

This situation is the same. It is cruel to book the procedure and present it as a fait accompli. If he had had an in-depth discussion with his wife about the future and explained even after the discussion he wanted to go ahead, that would have been mature.

Why is there double standards going on?

If OP was pregnant and came on here and said she had booked per say an abortion for example but her DH wanted the child she would be told her body her choice.

The DH has made a decision for himself and suddenly it's a deal breaker.

OP can have more children just not with her DH and she should respect his decision to not want any more.

the problem here isn't so much you both having changed your minds in opposite directions about how many children you want, but the fact he's making a permanent decision for you instead of with you

Exactly. He is a married man and he is not a boy. Young he may be, but we aren't talking teenager here.

I also think his parents are wrong to fund and encourage him into a vesectomy at this stage of his life. More so worrying tho is a man so heavily influenced by his parents. Did you not notice their family dynamic after you met and before you married him?

However he's also led you on by saying he wanted several children. I presume you chatted about that after you'd been together for a while.

He does have the right to change his mind of course, but the way he's gone about it seems so final and underhand. He knows you'll be hurt. You're not a bystander you're his wife. If anything his parents should be bystanders in this but it seems the trio have discussed and decided. Including how it's going to be funded

You have choices, just as he has. It'd be a deal breaker for me. But if you plan to stay with him then I hope you find a way to cope. There's some good professional advice out there. & at least you have a child already.

MorningStarMoon
It isn’t about double standards. To quote the post below yours, it’s about someone who is a) being “heavily influenced” by his parents. And b) someone who is doing it in a “final and underhand” way.

I know what it is to be manipulated by parents. At 24 my mother had me believing all sorts of things about myself and others. I was falling prey to the gaslighting even in my early 40’s. Idk if the situation with ops dh is similar to mine or completely different. All I know is that it is highly unacceptable for parents to influence such an important decision.

The standard response for an unwanted pregnancy isn’t “he should have had a vasectomy”. The standard response is he knew he was taking a risk of pregnancy when he had sex. I disagree. Plenty of men are told that they should take responsibility for contraception too, and my scenario is correct. I have seen it more than enough times.

differentname
Perhaps I wasn’t clear. Yes, men are told they should absolutely take responsibility for contraception ie condoms. And not take the woman’s word that she’s on the pill. And men are also told the only sure fire way to guarantee no pregnancy with a woman they don’t know and cannot vouch for the woman’s honesty is to abstain.

This is very different from advocating a vasectomy.

It would be a ludicrous to suggest a man, especially a young male, who is having a full sex life with different people, who hasn’t yet settled down or had children should have a vasectomy before participating in casual sex. I’m on here a lot. I don’t remember reading this in any of the pregnancy threads.

I have seen women post on here looking for advice as they are unexpectedly pregnant, and saying that the father is moaning about the pregnancy, about trust, about feeling tricked etc etc and the view is, from some posters, that the man should have a vasectomy if he didn't want/doesn't want children.

I been here a while too, and I have seen it.