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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

324 replies

DoYouRegret · 23/01/2018 23:54

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it Sad) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

OP posts:
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 26/01/2018 06:34

Hi DoYOu.

I can't offer any advice, really, but have just realised you posted on Tuesday 18th and no one has replied. I would be feeling exactly the same as you. Flowers. Sorry to be of no help.

KateGrey · 26/01/2018 06:36

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

Londonlivin · 26/01/2018 06:40

You’re right, that is a very tactless and hurtful thing for his parents to say and could Well be influencings your DH decision, particularly as he is only 24.
Apart from telling him how you feel, there is very little you can do. Would he delay his decision if you look at long term contraception? The implant for example?
If not, I would just try and enjoy my daughter and not let it spoil your family life. Who knows what the future has in store.
Let life take its course. X

Believeitornot · 26/01/2018 06:44

this is the sort of thing which will create a wedge between you.

He’s 24?? And why are his parents paying? How odd. Their comments about not wanting to be GPs would make me feel they were rejecting my child and I would have Little to do with them.

Karigan1 · 26/01/2018 06:50

I’d try negotiating with him as above. Take the long term contraception and leave out stories about vasectomies reversing themselves spontaneously leading to unwanted pregnancy.

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 26/01/2018 06:53

He's only 24. With a kid already. Can't say I blame him.

SoupDragon · 26/01/2018 06:57

I think you will resent him for a very long time.

PrimalLass · 26/01/2018 07:00

I would probably end up leaving him tbh. It's a massive decision to make for both of you, and he is not consulting you in any way.

MaisyPops · 26/01/2018 07:01

I think it's odd that his family are so vocal about what THEY want/don't want from him child wise.

He is 24 and has parents who tell him THEY don't want grandchildren, they love their grandcjild now but THEY think that's enough. Suddenly his grandparents are funding the vasectomy after you had an unplanned child.

I'd not be happy that he seems to be paying more attention to what his parents want than his wife.
Why the need for a vasectomy at 24 when there's long term contraception options which at least give him the chance to chabge his mind given you are not on the same page anymore?

I think it will eat away at you. Sorry.

Buggeritimgettingup · 26/01/2018 07:03

Honestly I think you'll resent him. It's not just the vasectomy but the way he's gone about it and the way his parents are.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 26/01/2018 07:05

Is there any option for sperm storage beforehand in case he changes his mind?

His Parents' comments aren't very nice

Violletta · 26/01/2018 07:05

they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another"

who says that they don't want grandchildren? weird

my inlaws/parents never looked after my children (except an odd babysit once a year on average) but they love my dc and would never say that they didn't want gc

Penfold007 · 26/01/2018 07:07

How was did he react to finding out about the unplanned pregnancy? Doesn't seem as though his parents and grandparents were too pleased. His body so his choice but you have choices too and may resent his decision.

Charolais · 26/01/2018 07:07

His parents are arseholes.

Nanny0gg · 26/01/2018 07:07

He’s. making a decision about your future he has no right to make without full discussion. Eventually you will resent him for it.

His parents sound foul and I can’t see how they love your daughter as eventually she’s going to realise how they feel. Is it because you are both young and they feel they’re too young to be grandparents?

What has he said when you explain how you feel?

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/01/2018 07:10

This would be a deal breaker for me, I’m afraid. I’m a lot older than you and you have many years to take this decision as a couple in the future. This is not the way for a husband to treat his wife.

I would be asking him to consider long term but reversible solutions first. He is so young. He may very well change his mind in 10 years or even 20 and regret it deeply. His parents sound horrible and have too much influence over him.

scaevola · 26/01/2018 07:11

It's his body and his choice.

If he does not want any more DC under any circumstances at all, ever, then it's a good choice. And that's a decision which every person should be making for themselves.

That doesn't help you come to terms with his decision. I think the role of his parents sounds weird (it really shouldn't be anything to do with them). Presumably they are overbearing in other ways too?

And FWIW, I think surgical removal of fertility is something that should be done in later life only. Because your have to argue hard to,get it done under about 30 on NHS, so those who manage a referral have been very sure and committed about their future at the time of the op, but they are the group most likely to seek a reversal.

Wallywobbles · 26/01/2018 07:13

DH and I are in our late 40s and we don't feel ready to make this choice yet. Feelings change as you get older. I'd be having a word with the surgeon to tell him how I feel.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 26/01/2018 07:16

Wtf does what his parents want grandchildren wise have to do with anything? Are they controlling in all areas of his life? Do they tell him where to work and in what job, and where to live too?

My dad told me when I was pregnant with dc3 that it wouldn't be fair on my mum if I had more children. I've never, ever asked her to do any child care and she never has. I've never asked her for anything whatsoever in regard to children. The number of children I have has no impact whatsoever on her. I asked my father what on earth he could possibly mean by that given she only sees the children occasionally and with me present, and he said it would be too many birthdays to remember HmmConfused Obviously that should be my main priority... Confused

Clearly the problem here isn't so much you both having changed your minds in opposite directions about how many children you want, but the fact he's making a permanent decision for you instead of with you. Taking responsibility for contraception if he doesn't want more children is a good thing, but if you're both commited to the relationship you don't take permanent measures without both being on the same page. You certainly don't put your parents wishes about the number of children you have above your husband/ wife's!

scaevola · 26/01/2018 07:18

The feelings of a third party - even if that third party is a spouse - should not be taken into account. It's the patients consent only that is required. So I don't think having a word with the surgeon would achieve anything.

Yes, pre-op counselling would probably include whether spouse/long-term partner (if there is either in the patient's life) agrees, because it is held to be a 'better' thing if it is a mutual decision. But you can't over-ride either someone's consent or lack of consent to a medical procedure (and it would set a dreadful precedent if it ever became a policy)

ShastaTrinity · 26/01/2018 07:18

Of course he has the right to make any decision about his own body and his children, he doesn't have to put it up for discussion.

That said, it's normal to feel hurt by it and acknowledging that his change of mind is changing the dynamic of your relationship. You have as much right to want more children as he has to not want any.

I would tell him that there's no ultimatum, but I would tell him that I am not sure I could accept not to have more children long term. He needs to think very carefully, because it's an important thing for you and you might have to chose between him and babies one day.

You are only 25, you have so many years to have more children, you don't have to sacrifice your life because of him.

The impact of his parents is just weird, it doesn't make him look very mature.

BeyondThePage · 26/01/2018 07:19

It is hard as he has changed his mind from initially when he led you to believe he wanted more, and you will have made life decisions - wanting to stay with him, have kids with him etc based on that fact.

But - as with anything to do with procreation - his body, his choice. You need to make your future choices based on this.

ShastaTrinity · 26/01/2018 07:20

The feelings of a third party - even if that third party is a spouse - should not be taken into account

thank god for that! Imagine if a man had a right to make decision about his wife's body!

Wallywobbles · 26/01/2018 07:22

My understanding is that the reason is going private is because a NHS doctor would not be doing it in these circumstances.

Super123 · 26/01/2018 07:23

This seems to be all about what everyone else but you wants.

Did he ask you how you felt before he booked it?

I've had four and remember how strongly I felt about wanting the next one each time.

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