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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

324 replies

DoYouRegret · 23/01/2018 23:54

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it Sad) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

OP posts:
Oly5 · 27/01/2018 17:57

You poor thing. He’s gone about this a horrible way.
If you want more children, this could split you up eventually as you may seek someone else to have a child with.
I would have been inconsolable to only have one child.. I’ve always wanted more and i think I would have ended up leaving DH if he only wanted one

Shehz21 · 27/01/2018 18:06

Oh and btw MaisyPops you totally got the part about grandparents giving the money for vasectomy wrong. OP clearly mentioned that she is not sure the grandparents know what the money is being used on as quoted below -

His grandparents are great, have always said children are a blessing even when unplanned, paid for our wedding and adore my DD, but they're in their 80s so suspect this is influencing them. The money is apparently his inheritance so not sure they know what it's being spent on.

You do make a whole lot of assumptionHmm

And whenever the OP has updated, she says she would never break her family over this AND she is not even sure she wants more as there are days where she feels she is done.
So however much some of you keep suggesting how she should leave her DH, Op seems quite intent on not breaking her family over this and
Good on you OP for this!Smile

Mishappening · 27/01/2018 18:13

This is ridiculous - it has bugger all to do with his parents; and to think they are paying for it! This is pathological and manipulative and none of their damn business. I would be furious!

This young man is 24 and they are prepared to pay to end his fertility because they do not want GC - what the actual....?! I am speechless - and this is very rare believe me.

Tell him point blank that you do not want him to do this; and that you want his parents to butt out of your personal life as of now. Offer to have the implants so that you can leave your options open. If he does not like it he can lump it.

BarbarianMum · 27/01/2018 18:16

He married a woman who didn't want a child at all, so I really doubt he was that bothered about having children in the first place. I don't see why him changing his mind is any worse than the OP changing hers. And if he doesn't want any more children then a vasectomy is bloody sensible.

MaisyPops · 27/01/2018 18:18

I missed that bit. Must have scrolled through. That's at least a redeeming feature.

I still don't think he has behaved well over it. And i also still think he is wrong to have been discussing his family planning with his parents.

It is irrelevant the OP didn't want them at the start. When they started they both said 'here is how i feel'. He decided it clearly wasn't a deal breaker. Thry then had an unplanned pregnancy and both decided to continue.

It is entirely up to him if he wants a vasectomy. I am 100% his body = his choice. It is for the OP to decide if it is a deal breaker.

What people are cautioning (and rightly so) is a situation where the OP feels the need to suck it up and continue because she'll feel like she is the one to split the family up. He is placing a disproportionate weight on the OP by being 'this is how it is you take or leave it'.
The moral thing to do would be to both sit down and both decide what is happening and sharing feelings etc rather than make a decision and then place the onus on someone else to decide if the family stays together

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2018 18:43

Soup
I was merely stating what I and others had been accused of by Chaos. Did you read the sentences before and after? I called this assertion bollocks etc.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2018 18:46

Mishappening
Op said upthread she already has the implant. So the chances of pregnancy are already very remote.

ChaosNeverRains · 27/01/2018 18:57

Op said upthread she already has the implant. So the chances of pregnancy are already very remote. except it clearly isn’t that remote because they’ve already had one contraception failure.

And it is stated on MN time and time and time again that if a man doesn’t want children then he should be the one responsible for contraception, and if he is adament he doesn’t want children then he should either abstain from sex (wonder how that one would go down as an OP?) or should have a vasectomy. Which one do the “he should hold off for now” think is the most acceptable then? Genuine question.

Do you think, given that, given you think it is unreasonable for him to have a vasectomy do you think that it is ok for him to abstain from sex for five, ten, twenty years until the OP reaches menopause so he can be absolutely sure he doesn’t father a child he doesn’t want?

TheLegendOfBeans · 27/01/2018 18:59

Oh, OP. Flowers

TournesolsetLavande · 27/01/2018 19:04

tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another"

Wow. That is such a weird thing for grandparents to say. Shock

Do people even think about grandchildren in that way? It's not like it particularly affects their lives either way. Confused

TournesolsetLavande · 27/01/2018 19:17

He’s. making a decision about your future he has no right to make without full discussion.

Er...no, he's making a decision about his future and he has every right to make it, with or without full discussion. And he clearly has discussed it with the OP because she knows about it.

Or course his decision will affect her future, that's unavoidable and a great shame for the OP, but he has every right to take control of his own fertility and do what feels best for him. She can stay with him and accept it, or leave and have more children with someone else. If she leaves and takes his daughter with her then that's the price he pays for the choice he's made.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2018 19:25

Chaos
The only true form of avoiding contraception failure is absolute abstention. My friend became pregnant after her dh had a failed vasectomy. They waited the advised 3 month period before having sex, which resulted in a pregnancy and her third child. According to the American Urological Association 1 in 2000 vasectomies fail.

Vasectomy is more sure than the implant but no contraception is 100% fool proof. However, I believe the op had the implant after the contraception failure, not before.

expatinscotland · 27/01/2018 19:28

'They waited the advised 3 month period before having sex, which resulted in a pregnancy and her third child.'
That's just stupidity. My h had one, he had to turn in sperm samples until he got the all clear or was told there was a chance he was still fertile. Duh. They tell you that, and that it can take up to a year, these people just went along with the 'it failed' story because they were too daft and lazy to use alternative contraception until having a sample clear of sperm.

JaneEyre70 · 27/01/2018 19:31

My only thought in this OP is that he's very young to be making a very permanent decision. I would do as others have suggested and ask him to delay while you talk about it, with an assurance from you that you will not get pregnant. I think I'd want him to understand that this may equal you leaving at some point in future. The size of your family needs to be something you both agree on.

MaisyPops · 27/01/2018 19:33

She can stay with him and accept it, or leave and have more children with someone else. If she leaves and takes his daughter with her then that's the price he pays for the choice he's made.
I agree.
However in my opinion (and maybe I'm in the minority) what should happen is thry either BOTH agree to no more children or they BOTH agree that the vasectomy is a deal breaker and so the relationship is not viable.

What shouldn't happen is he makes a unilateral decision and then the OP has the weight of keeping the family together /splitting a family up on her shoulders. To put that weight on her is manipulative and very much dickhead 'here's my choice take it or leave it'. The very fact it is playing on the Op's mind and she is worried about splitting the family up demonstrates he's put all the emotional baggage of the situation onto her and that's not on.

If his change of opinion and vasectomy means the relationship is viable then they BOTH decide to move forward (crucially, without it developing into resentment at only having one child).

If the relationship is no longer viable then that is a decision for BOTH people to make, end amicably and coparent their existing child without any nasty emotive talk of splitting the family up. That might be now, it might be in a few years if having tried to makr it work it actually is a deal breaker. Either way it is a change where BOTH parties should agree ne relationship has no future given such differing views.

One person in this situation should not have all the emotional baggage of someone else's decision on their shoulders.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/01/2018 19:47

I think my relationship would be over. Not because he was having a vasectomy - although that would require conversation and a difficult assessment, in your situation - but because he is showing no regard for your feelings at all. That'd be pretty romance-killing for me.

All you can do is talk to him; really. It is his body and his call; but it impacts on your relationship and your future. You might need to spend some time apart to assess things.

Good luck Thanks

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/01/2018 19:47

If the relationship is no longer viable then that is a decision for BOTH people to make,

When has this^ ever been the case?

Relationships fail for many reasons and it is almost always one person that ends it, this is no different.

He is not manipulating her in to staying or going, that is her choice.

Mishappening · 27/01/2018 20:08

Am I the only person who is appalled by the role of his parents in this. It is beyond belief! Who the hell do they think they are!?

Shimmershimmerandshine · 27/01/2018 20:10

Do people even think about grandchildren in that way? It's not like it particularly affects their lives either way.

And more to the point on what level is it any of their business? The only way it would be is if they were caring for the grandchild either permanently or a lot which I don't think is the case.

MaisyPops · 27/01/2018 20:11

boney
In this situation it is about both people realising the terms of the relationship jave changed.

Him saying 'take it or leave it' is putting the emotional burden onto the OP so it's her who ends up being the one who feels responsible for splitting up the family and it's her who ends up feeling guilty when it isn't her who had caused this situation.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2018 20:11

Mishappening
Are you the only person, who doesn’t appear to have rtft? Maybe.

MaisyPops · 27/01/2018 20:12

Mishappening
Quite a few of us think his parents are over invested nosey so and sos. However, according to some it probably has zero impact.

Obviously what tue OP should do is suck it up and be praised for holding her family together and putting any reservations she has one side because if she voices them then she's the mean one.

Shimmershimmerandshine · 27/01/2018 20:14

Well it should have zero impact but unfortunately her DH seems to be influenced by them...

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/01/2018 20:17

MaisyPops

So if she didn't want anymore children you would advocate that they share the emotional burden of breaking the family up?

At what point does that end?

People should be taking responsibility for their actions. If both of those involved in the thread are going to blame the other no amount of talking in going to stop them.

And no-one has said that the OP should suck it up. Many posters have pointed out her options.

The only people that have said that she is the "mean one" are those that are also keen to call the DH "selfish"

flapjackfairy · 27/01/2018 20:26

If the relationship is not viable and that is a decision that BOTH should make as someone has said then surely the decision to take active measures to end your fertility should also be a joint decision!!
What is wrong with modern relationships ? When you get married you make the decision to become a family , a unified unit who are committed to each other and consider one anothers needs and preferences as well as your own. To make such a decision with no regard or concern for their partners feelings defies belief imo. I am amazed that lots of people feel it is a perfectly acceptable way to treat someone you are supposed to love .