Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

[DoYouRegret]

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it ) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

Yes, it absolutely is the moral thing to do, actually. He is protecting himself as best he can from the eventuality that he might against his wish father another child. That is the right thing to do, given that he obviously feels strongly about it.

It might not be the kindest way to have gone about it, nor the easiest for OP to get through, but that’s another thing altogether.

I don't disagree with him having a vasectomy. I disagree with how he is handling it and what little regard he has for his partner and how willing he is to discuss marital issues and family planning with his parents.

Is it ok for him to say 'that's what i'm doing. Take it or leave it but you'll be thr one splitting up our family'?
Because that is essentially what he is doing.

To me he discusses his decision (which as i have said he is within his rights to do) and then they BOTH as EQUAL parties in the marriage discuss where this leaves the marriage but without any nonsense about the OP splitting their family up if it's a dealbreaker for her.

If it works our, great.
If it doesn't work it is because a fundamental issue has changed, not because the OP is splitting the family up.

My issue is he makes a unilateral decision and puts all the fallout and emotional guilt of the family staying together onto his wife when it should be a discussion for both of them.

clarify phrasing
My issue is he makes a unilateral decision and puts all the fallout and emotional guilt of the family staying together onto his wife when what happens as a result of his decision should be a discussion for both of them and if it means the marriage ending then that is part of the situation changing, not the wife splitting the family up.

I agree with you on that. He should not be placing blame on her for any eventual break-up or guilting her about that. Mind you, if that’s his attitude in general I imagine she might want out at some point anyway.

Do you see what i mean.
Yes it's his body his choice.

However, when the attitude is 'i've changed my mind take it or leave it' and one party is feeling like they will be responsible for a family breaking up, that's wrong.

Fair dos he has changed his mind. But a bit of discission with his spouse and some sensitivity in handling it and discussing the situation doesn't take much.

And I'd probanly want out on the acvount of parents being told WAY too much about the marriage and family planning and for their comments about my chidl.

Yes, quite.

On the vasectomy, though, he’s absolutely right to take that step. It’s a shame for the OP and of course she’s entitled to feel upset, heartbroken, gutted and to be reeling from this.

I think you will end up leaving him, or resenting him forever.

24 is too young to make this decision, and he does sound as if - consciously or not - he's been/is being influenced by this very pervasive 'children are basically a problem, have as few as possible!!!' attitide that he has quite possibly grown up absorbing from his parents.

Plus - he misled you. He married you leading you to believe he wanted a big family. It sounds as if, had your accident not happened, you'd be looking at being childness now as he backtracked.

Looking at this as an outsider I'd say that especially considering your age I'd expect this marriage to fail - It's a huge resentment to carry especially with the finality of a vasectomy - and his rather interfering family.

He's taken a nuclear option with no consultation. So there's no reason why you shouldn't.

'DH it has to be your decision. However, it doesn't have to be mine. You should know that I'm unlikely to be happy with just one child, so would probably at some point go ahead with sperm donation to have a sibling for DD. Whether you choose to stay in the marriage at that point is, of course, up to you.'

FizzyGreenWater

Plus - he misled you. He married you leading you to believe he wanted a big family. It sounds as if, had your accident not happened, you'd be looking at being childness now as he backtracked.

In the same way that the OP misled him, in to believing that she didn't want children and due to an accidental pregnancy now does?

this opinion goes both ways.

Boneybackjefferson she said she was unsure, not that she told him she didn’t want any. Huge difference between the two!

JessieMcJessie

And yet she still took the (correct) precaution to prevent him from having children. Was she taking his feelings in to account? or was she doing what was right for her at the time?

It hardly matters though, does it. If a woman went into a marriage insisting she wanted four or five children, that all she had ever dreamt of since she was a girl was a big happy family and that she definitely wanted to make child rearing her life’s main goal, and then after having two children she realised actually, that was quite enough, and maybe she’d quite like a career, she wouldn’t haven’t been intentionally misleading anyone. She would have changed her mind in the face of reality and upon learning to better know herself as a mother and as a continually evolving person.

You don’t choose what you want on something as complex as children and parenting at one fixed point (based on theory, at that point, let’s not forget!) and then have to stick to that decision for the rest of your life. You can change your mind at any time.

He married you leading you to believe he wanted a big family. It sounds as if, had your accident not happened, you'd be looking at being childness now as he backtracked.
The OP went from probably not wanting a child to 'ok this was unplanned but we both decided to continue' and she now wants children (something he said he wanted all along so she hasn't affected his decision).

If both parties in a relationship said they didn't want children and one changed their mind then they'd need to decide where the relationship went from there. If the person who changed their mind said 'i want children so am coming off contraception. It's on ypu to prevent it happening. Take it or leave it.' then i would feel the same about them as I do the OP's husband. They are showing zero concern for their partner, treating them poorly and placing the burden of tjeir decision onto their other half.

This isn't about man or woman. It's about whether someone (of either sex) treats tjeir partner kindly and without dumping emotional baggage on them.

I’d be really upset too. Arguing who has the right to decide unfortunately won’t change anything.
In terms of choices I think for now you’re happy with one too. In the future if you do want another, that is when you will have to make decisions. The more you push him now the more you’ll set his mind. Let him get on with his vasectomy, enjoy no contraception and see how things pan out in the future. You may never have the urge for another. You might split up and meet someone else. Your dh might change his mind. He has set a precedent of making decisions to suit himself, you too have the right to make choices to suit you in the future.

I don't agree with making unilateral decisions when there is a better option which demonstrates respect and concern for one's partner - @MaisyPops
But to be fair, someone has to make a decision, and decisions over one's own fertility are likely to start as unilateral decisions. He doesn't want anymore children. He wants to prevent that happening.

I didn't want anymore after my 2. My GP refused to refer me for a tubal ligation (yet said he would refer my dh for a vasectomy), I got pregnant, spiraled into depression (never had it before) and terminated the pregnancy. Oddly enough, my dr then agreed to refer me! But it took that termination as proof that I knew what I wanted. (I was 35, btw, so not "young")
Anyway, my point is: 1] dh wanted to keep the baby. I didn't. He fully respected and supported my choice, how ever.
2] he wanted/may still want more. I didn't. I wasn't going to risk falling pregnant again, so told him that I was definitely being sterilized. He fully respected and supported my choice. I made 2 unilateral choices because it is my body and I am an adult and I get to do that. My dh was free to leave if he couldn't live with that. However, in the same context as YOU think that op won't be splitting up the family IF (and she has repeatedly said she isn't going to, so why the hell are we labouring the point?) she leaves, I was no more potentially splitting up my family, and neither is op's dh.

how willing he is to discuss marital issues and family planning with his parents. - @MaisyPops
But there is NO proof that he is doing this though. Op says that she thinks his parents comments may be influencing him, but she doesn't say he is holding in-depth discussions about it. And to be fair, who HE discusses his fertility with, is HIS business, he is free to do that if he wishes.

The money is apparently his inheritance so not sure they know what it's being spent on. This is further proof that he might not actually be discussing it. The money is from his grandparents, op doens't even know if they are aware of what it is being used for.

DH has felt like this since DD was born, and this has been the ongoing discussion every time contraception gets mentioned (probably once a year or so) since then So there have been discussions over the past almost three years. Perhaps op has buried her head in the sand and thought that he wasn't serious? This hasn't been sprung on op.

There is a lot of trying to blame the op's dh here. Op is not wrong to be upset, but this isn't out of the blue.

"Not that many people (who have a steady relationship, financial stability and no medical issues with pregnancy) deliberately complete their family after only one child."
We did! In the distance past of 1976 the snip wasn't around & we decided I'd be sterilised. We've not regretted it. I love children & have taught lots of them to play chess over the years.
But the hostility I got! A nurse was telling me that the woman in the next room couldn't have children! The doc said I could now have fun etc.
Nowadays it's becoming common to have 1 child only & that's how it should be. Why should we wait for wars/disease catastrophes to decimate the human race when we can reduce it voluntarily?

Hi Siegrun. I know that some people do decide they’re definitively done with one, but it’s still statistically few. I was just commenting on numbers, not the reasons for the choice.

differentnameforthis
You sound quite reasonable in ypur approach.

My issue is how he has behaved rather than the vasectomy.

I'm sure you didn't put your DP in a position where he felt that if it was a deal breaker he was splitting the family up (which is an emotionally manipulative way of framing things). Just reading your post, you seem more 'this is my choice over my fertility. I would like thr relationship to continue but understand if it's a deal breaker. If it is a deal breaker then we would coparent amicably'. (In other words a much more reasonable approach).

@MaisyPops ... I wish. We had screaming arguments about it to be honest.

Mostly I think, because of the deep depression I was under being pregnant with #3 when I tried so hard to prevent it.
My (irrational) resentment that I was having to deal with it & not him (when in reality, he obviously couldn't).
My sheer anger at my dr who said that the mini pill would be fine with breastfeeding & it wouldn't fail.
My sleep deprivation (dd2 was barely 6 months old and exclusively bf)
I hated him for wanting to keep the baby when I didn't, because it made me think that he had NO idea of my reason for not continuing the pregnancy. It was almost like I felt he had no right to want it, and certainly had no right to voice that to me at such a difficult time (again, irrational)

Thank god he loves me. We made it through, and I know that his love for me is way stronger than a desire to add to our family. But it was a very dark for us.

differentnameforthis
That sounds really tough on you both.
The depression wouldn't help things at all.

Glad you're through it.

I think the OP will maker her choice. I just hope whichever choice she makes it isn't influenced by her feeling she would be 'splitting the family up' or other similar emotionally manipulative reasons. Whatever she does it has to be because that's what's right for her.

Hi. One of my cousins has a hysterectomy in her mid 20’s. She was adamant that she didn’t want children and had complications with abnormal smears. They eventually did the op on the nhs. She then left her boyfriend. And met the man she has now married who did have a child and would have liked more. I think she regretted the earlier decision as you don’t know what you will feel like in your 30’s and 40’s. Most of my friends didn’t have any children until their 30’s. There are so many less drastic ways of stopping having children. I know I would resent him taking that enormous decision about the size of your family with his parents and not with you. I’m not surprised you are gutted.

@doyouregret aww tough one! I'm older than you and have a DS who is three in a few months. I wanted a sibling for him for a while and got very upset over it all as DH was unsure so he finally changed his mind recently and agreed to ttc. When I thought I was pg, I totally wigged out and realised that I only want one. I got so caught up in winning our argument that I didn't think through the whole thing properly. It was a false alarm, which we were both happy about, seeing as I really couldn't bear to bring a child into the world who's not wanted by DH. I'm not sure if the vasectomy went ahead or not, but what I'm trying to say is, try to live in the present and enjoy life with your DH and DS. I'm an only child and my childhood was amazing. You can give your DD all your time and attention. I hope you all work through this as a family. And, if his parents keep talking about your DD like that, I'd be tempted to start ignoring their calls!!

Sorry, to clarify, DS is much loved, wanted, and planned!! Baby 2 was the odd issue although even now we've not totally ruled it out.

His parents sound horrid.

This is a very difficult situation for you and he's being very selfish in making this decision himself, at such a young age IMO.

I don't know what the way forward is but I would be resenting him forever if it were me.
Unless you think you can one day genuinely be happy with not having another I can't see this relationship going anywhere. I'm sorry.