Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

[DoYouRegret]

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it ) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

OP, I would ask your DH to please postpone the operation whilst you both go for counselling. Put the money away in a separate account. Tell him you will ultimately accept his decision, but you’d like the chance to discuss all the sides to it in a neutral space first, not have to go for counselling to cope with the decision after the fact.

That would be the mature thing to do. 24 is extremely young to make this choice, so it needs making carefully and

...carefully and with full consideration of what it represents for him, for you, for your existing DC, and for your marriage and family life together.

It isn’t about double standards. To quote the post below yours, it’s about someone who is a) being “heavily influenced” by his parents. And b) someone who is doing it in a “final and underhand” way.
This

If his feelings towarss having childre hage changed then the right way to go about it would be to discuss it over time with his wife, explore what it means for their family and then make a decision. The decision is ultimately his and i totally agree it's his body so his choice.

However, that's not what's happened in th8s situation. We have a man who is young, has parents who remind him regularlu that they never even wanted him to have kids, don't want him to have anymore, he always wanted 2-3 but now doesn't and then from somewhere (i assume because he has been discussimg his family planning with his parents) a pot of money is being given from a relative purely to pay for this vasectomy.
There are a number of issues with this:

1. He seems to be far too under the thumb of his
2. Why is his vasectomy something discussed more with his side of tje family than his wife?
3. Why do their views and feelings trumo his wife's?
4. Why has he been so underhand in tje entire thing?

If I was OP my marriage would be dying from tjis point, not over the children issue (ot might be something i could get past), but the influence of his family, the attitude of his parents to my child, his willingness to run along behind mummy and daddy like a lap dog and the fact he would have shown zero thought for our marriage or my feelings.

It is his right to have a vasectomy. However he has been utterly inconsiderate in the way he has handled it.

If this man was older I'd be more understanding. He is 24 and is unilaterally making a final decision that not only might affect his marriage and existing dc, but might be one he very much regrets. I know that many will argue that he is old enough to know what he wants but, as the NHS realises, this is the age group that often does regret it.

The biggest issue as I see it is that NOT having a vasectomy does not mean he HAS to have any more children. So he is being unreasonable in steaming straight ahead to something so final. He also sounds quite immature not to recognise that he IS still so young and his feelings may change over the next 15/20 years. I think you need to have a frank conversation with him and explain you would never force him to have another kid and you understand fully he may never want one, but if he truly loves you could he just hang fire a while (like a decade or 2) as you're struggling with the enormity of the decision.

I think if he still insists after that then you have to accept you have a selfish immature partner and decide if you're happy to categorically rule out future children in your own life.

NOT having a vasectomy does not mean he HAS to have any more children.

It does if his wife falls pregnant accidentally.

My mum was 25 when she decided she had enough and went ahead , got sterilized and that decision never changed after 23 bloody years. She says she was more than happy with having my brother and I and though my dad wanted more,he ultimately let her take the decision for HER body and 23 years down the line he says he also was happy with his little family.
So everyone saying the DH is too young and his feelings "may" change, there is a MAY NOT as well.
I am 22 and currently 32 weeks pregnant with my 1st and suffered really bad hg throughout my pregnancy. I have decided I do not want to go through this ever again and this baby is going to be my last biological one. My DH wants more but his friend's wife just got pregnant on the coil and i do not want any such risk, instead of putting a coil now and wait to review this decision in 5 years time with even the tiniest of risk of getting pregnant when I do not expect it.
That being said I do know the consequences of my decision since he would really like another baby, but we did discuss adoption and he is not against the idea.
All of you STOP assuming that his parents are "heavily" influencing him. If my parents or dh could heavily influence me just cus I am so "young", I wouldn't go ahead with my decision. But they cannot influence my decision. And there arw many more posters aside from my own personal experience, who mentioned that at this age or age 24/25 when they knew they were done and decided to stop there, now 10 years down the line, they don't feel any different.
I do agree with differentnameforthis that I have seen loads of these threads as well where they all blame the guy and say if he didn't/doesn't want more children,he should have a vasectomy. And we are not the only ones who have seen this on here, there arw many more posters who mentioned it in the earlier posts.

I was also 25 when I decided I was done having children. My husband and I were in agreement that we were happy for our child to be an only.

We changed our minds when our son was 5.

@differentnameforthis my partner knew how I felt. He always did. Our first child was an incredibly difficult baby and that clouded both our judgement. Once she got to the toddler stage, my partner and I talked about it and he said he would want another if we could be sure it wouldn’t be half as bad. Obviously you can’t, every child is different. I didn’t make myself pregnant, nor did I give him ultimatums! We discussed it but yes, I did tell him that to me, it was very important and I did make that very clear.

He adores our DS, he was planned and he is loved. I feel my partner is far too young to consider a vasectomy as it’s such a permanent choice and when we first met, my partner wanted 3 which changed to one after our DD was born. HIS original compromise was the three years then discuss, I’M pushing for the IUD to avoid any accidents as it’s as much his choice as mine.

Oh and although young, my partner knows his own mind. If he didn’t want our second child, it would not have happened. Of course I pleaded with him to reconsider! But yes ultimately it’s his decision.

Nice to cut out the part were I said he loves him dearly and wouldn’t be without him too. Really helps when you’re laying in to someone to take away anything that doesn’t help your point.

I’m surprised you could even read that all the way up on that high horse of yours...

NOT having a vasectomy does not mean he HAS to have any more children

It does if his wife has another unplanned pregnancy.

He would be slaughtered on here if he didn't get the op whilst claiming he didn't want another child whilst his wife who did finds herself pregnant again.

This is his decision alone to make. Just like it was the OPs to keep the unplanned child. He got no say in that and she doesn't in this.

Sorry shehz but you sound rather immature. You haven't even had the baby yet. How can you decide you'll definitely never want another biological child because you've not had a greatpregnancy? You might be right. But you may not be too.

SayNoToCarrots
Well this is another example of how it can go both ways. This is just down to different people, different minds.
Some change their mind,some simply don't.

DollyI am glad you mention how although young,your partner knows his own mind.
So it could apply to the OP 's partner as well.
Although young, he could be one of those who knows his own mind.

All of you STOP assuming that his parents are "heavily" influencing him.
So there's probably zero link between man says he wants 2-3 children at the start of a relationship, parents remind him and his wife that they don'r even want ti be grandparents, tell him they didn't want him to have kids, regularly go on at him over how thry don't want any more grandkids because it's just about ok to deal with the one they have (but not really that fussed), a pot if money becomes available for a vasectomy and he hasn't even bothered ti disucss with his wife properly?

And you think this is a strong independnet man who is handling his own decision?

If he wants one then the correct route is to discuss with his wife, they talk aboit the potential consequences of that path and go from there knowing it is ultimately his choice.
Not discuss your family planning with your parents and end up with someone funding a vasectomy with little regard fot your wife.

I wouldnt be surprised if ge's been running to his parents claiminh OP trapped him and he never wanted children (despite having told her he wanted multiple kids). He seems far too up for pleasing mummy

alotalot LOL! This is the only argument you can come up with? Immature. Who are you to decide that?
Many people in my HG support group made the same decision when pregnant and now 10 years later they have only 1 child. So are they all immature?
Please get a better argument.

And alot let me correct you about the part of not having a great pregnancy. There is a HUGE difference between not having a great pregnancy and having a downright horrible one where every single day since BFP, you suffer with N&V to the point where you feel suicidal. Please do take into consideration how many women who suffered with HG decided to stop at just their very first baby.
HG has a broad spectrum and I have suffered at the other end of the spectrum where it's the worst it can get.

@Shehz21 absolutely. I agree he could be dead set on the idea. I don’t know the OPs partner to make a judgement but I’m commenting on my own experience.

There’s a reason the NHS won’t consider it so young, and I know a couple myself going trough the adoption process because the man had a vasectomy young and deeply regrets it. They’re in their 40s and he had it done about 10 years before he met his partner and it’s really sad all round.

The problem with this topic is emotions run very high, it’s unreasonable to expect someone not to be upset or push for what they want (on both sides) because it’s a life changing decision and I suppose coupes aren’t always compatible with their ideas.

@YellowMakesMeSmile has hit the nail on the head.

Many people made that decision but many may made that decision and then have changed their minds too.
Oh your conviction...

And if you read my first post then you would have seen that I said you may well be right. But equally you might change your mind. You just don't know.

Well alot I also mention the same.
He may or may not change his mind. There are loads of people who do and loads who don't.
What I do not agree with are actually how some on here are saying, he WILL definitely change his mind.

Yellow Yes exactly!

I can imagine him changing his mind at 30.

So at 24 he is too immature to decide he doesn’t want more than one child but a woman is mature enough to insist he not make such a decision because he “agreed” that he wanted two or three at the beginning of the marriage and now has changed his mind? Right.

And for those saying get him to postpone the operation in case he changes his mind, don’t be so disingenuous. The reason why people think he shouldn’t have the operation isn’t because he might change his mind and could regret it, it’s because not having a vasectomy leaves the door open for the woman to persuade him to try for another at some point.

If a woman posted here that they had a child and that the husband had been adament he wanted no more but was using condoms and she was desperate for another one people would be saying that if he’d been so sure he would have had the snip, not doing so leaves the door open, and yes, I have been here for years and seen posts to that effect, as well as posts saying the man should have had a vasectomy if he didn’t want any more children.

I think that there is a big difference between a man deciding to have a vasectomy at 24 when he has two or more children and deciding this after only one child. Not that many people (who have a steady relationship, financial stability and no medical issues with pregnancy) deliberately complete their family after only one child.

I say this as someone who has an only child because I squeezed him in about 5 minutes before my ovaries went kaput, having an only is still seen as a bit odd.

Postponing the op just leaves him vulnerable not to mention being open to the emotional blackmail that can be awful to live with and ends up with many being pressured into something they didn't want because they get worn down or tricked.

His age has nothing to do with it, op decided she was old enough for a child at the same age and he's old enough to decide no more.

I think that there is a big difference between a man deciding to have a vasectomy at 24 when he has two or more children and deciding this after only one child. Not that many people (who have a steady relationship, financial stability and no medical issues with pregnancy) deliberately complete their family after only one child.

My DH chose to have one at 25 after our one and only DC was born. 20 years later he and I have no regrets. Main point being that is was his choice.