Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

[DoYouRegret]

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it ) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

If the relationship is no longer viable then that is a decision for BOTH people to make,

Nope.

Anyone can break up with anyone for any reason at any time. Breaking up does not require consent.

Breaking up does not require consent.
No but making a decision that changes the terms of a relationship and then putting all the emotional baggage that comes off tjat decision onto your spouse makes someone a complete and utter dickhead.

What sort of person makes such a.massive decision and then it quite happy for their wife to deal with the emotional fallout over and worry about whether THEY are splitting the family up? Oh yes. A dickhead who has zero concern for his wife.

I'm all for his body = his choice.
But his body = his choice doesn't mean he can shift the weight of the marriage and the family's future onto his wife.

If he wants to make the decision to have a vasectomy then good for him, but he needs to accept some of the responsibility for any fallout if it happens.

MaisyPops

but by your own reasoning she is also being unreasonable in that she has changed what she wants from the relationship with no discussion or respect of his feelings. Does that make her a "dickhead" as well?

He would have to deal with the emotional fallout form having other children, especially if they were also "happy accidents".

As far as a woman in a relationship having an abortion is concerned - yes it's her body and the final decision is hers.

However - she owes it to her partner to tell him of the pregnancy, to tell him what she wants to do and then to listen to what he thinks. She then has all the facts to put with hers to make her decision.

Doesn't sound like that in the OP's situation.

expat
I’ve just been reading up about how vasectomy can fail after being given the all clear. IE when recanalisation occurs. I only met her after she had her third kid. My post was made in ignorance of the all clear protocol and I can see by the way I worded the post it that it appears she got pregnant on the first shag. I don’t think it was and it was really how she said it to me to mask her distress. Her dh had a vasectomy after series of miscarrriages. I cannot imagine she and her husband would have been “daft and lazy” and not waited for an all clear. Thanks for the clarification and judgment though. You’ve educated me. Perhaps next time though you could be a little kinder to strangers.

Oh, give over playing the victim card all the time, Mummy, it's tiresome. It is very rare for vasectomy to fail after an all-clear and you are told in no uncertain terms to use alternative contraception until getting the all-clear. But continue scolding strangers on the net who challenge you in any way .

Perhaps you should reread your post. You were patronising about strangers. Victim card, nasty considering ME when you’re too ill to work is considered a disability. I wasn’t talking about kinder to me. I was talking about my friend.

Perhaps you should reread your post. You were patronising about strangers. Victim card, nasty considering ME when you’re too ill to work is considered a disability. and ME is relevant here how exactly?

You're entitled to your opinion, Mummy. But carry on getting wound up about randoms on the internet .

but by your own reasoning she is also being unreasonable in that she has changed what she wants from the relationship with no discussion or respect of his feelings. Does that make her a "dickhead" as well?
They BOTH decided to continue the pregnancy and it didn't impact on his original view that he wanted children. Her changing to match his position is very different from 'we've both decided on children oh but now I don't'.

He is well within his rights to change his mind. His body his choice.

He is not reasonable to say or imply 'well wifey it's YOUR choice whether YOU split up the family' when actually it's his decision which has caused it. He needs to own his part in this, hence both accepting the marriage is done due to differing view not taking some stupid high ground of well I wad quite happy keeping our marriage on my terms of one child but she decided she wanted to split our family up.

In terms of other dickhead situations -

1. if 2 people said 'we both don't want kids' and then one party decided to pressure the other because they had changed their mind and they actually wanted kids then yes, they would be a dickhead. If they changed contraception unilaterally to suit the fact theu fancied a child then yes they would be a dickhead.
2. If a couple decide they are only having 2 children but a woman decides she is going to accidently forget to take her pill properly in the hope of a 'surprise' then she is categorically a dickhead.
3. If a couple agree to 3 children and then after 1, one party says 'actually I'm done' then that's fine. The other half can decide to leave or stay. It wouldn't be fair for the mind-changer to suggest that their partner was splitting up their family because to pin the emotional weight onto one partner for the decisions of the other is dickhead behaviour. It guilt trips the non mind changer into staying because they don't want to be 'responsible' for ripping apart a family when the reality is nobody is tearing a family apart and what shpuld happen is 2 adults say 'you know what we want different things from this relationship' and cut the manipulative guilt tripping crap.

Chaos
I explained upthread that I’m struggling to express myself at the moment because I’m very ill at the moment. I actually have severe brain fog and cognitive issues resulting in me effectively having a reduced IQ. Expat is referring to my stating my issues with communication as using victim card.

I very much doubt that tbh knowing expat as I do, but the conversations have become somewhat heated between yourself and a couple of other posters which can come across as very defensive.

And perhaps if you’re feeling sensitive due to confusion/brain fog it’s easy to become more convinced that people are picking on that particularly iyswim. P.S. I know all too well the tiredness/frustration over tiredness/not being able to do things sometimes not because of ME but because of my own life-limiting illness.

Sometimes it’s best to just take a step away from that which is frustrating rather than allow it to frustrate further. Not trying to be patronising just speaking from personal experience of the impact frustration can have on a bad day...

Chaos
Thanks. I think you’re right about me getting easily upset atm. It is incredibly frustrating when you cannot find the words you want to say and then someone with far better cognitive skills than you have at your disposal right now pulls your post to pieces and says you’re playing a victim card. Sorry you’re also struggling.

MaisyPops

It is not different at all, she could have said that she didn't want the baby and most people on here would have been behind her 100%

Here we have the opposite and he doesn't want anymore children and he is being selfish, he isn't stopping her leaving, he isn't taking away her ability to have more children. He is saying that he is done and taking the means to protect himself.

Yes she has a choice, but it is her choice. This projection of him not taking responsibility for the emotional fallout is directly in contrast to him taking responsibility for his reproductive rights.

JessieMcJessie
I think that there is a big difference between a man deciding to have a vasectomy at 24 when he has two or more children and deciding this after only one child. Not that many people (who have a steady relationship, financial stability and no medical issues with pregnancy) deliberately complete their family after only one child

Why? At 22 i made a choice, im one and done despite what my partner wants, my body my choice. Just cos he yound dont mean he dont know what he wants

@DollyLlama My leaving that part out doesn't mean you didn't coerce him into changing his mind. I am not "laying" into you at all, but if you want to see it that way, so be it.

What about freezing some sperm?

'Do people even think about grandchildren in that way? It's not like it particularly affects their lives either way.'

And more to the point on what level is it any of their business? The only way it would be is if they were caring for the grandchild either permanently or a lot which I don't think is the case.

I agree, if you are expected to pick up the slack if your child has their own children while still in need of a great deal of practical and/or financial support themselves, then of course you might wish out loud (if pushed to the limits of your patience) that they wouldn't have any more.

I just find it bizarre that a couple who chose to have two children themselves (and it would have been a conscious choice, they weren't in Victorian England with no access to BC or abortion) would be so vociferous about not wanting either of those children to have families of their own. Ever.

It seems such a weirdly unnatural and extreme way to feel. Surely even a couple with narcissistic tendencies would see that it's not their decision to make. They can choose not to be terribly hand on with any future grandchildren but to consciously aspire to see both their children remaining childless themselves is REALLY not normal.

I wonder if there is some sort of backstory to this? Or whether the mother was making jokes along the lines of 'no more grandchildren for me, I'm too young, all this granny lark is ageing me' or something along those lines. Perhaps the OP has either accidentally or wilfully misunderstood her meaning in a bid to make it look as though her DH is being manipulated?

Or perhaps we have a situation where his parents had great plans for Golden Boy to set the world on fire, and getting tied down with a vaguely unsuitable wife and an accidental baby at 22/23 was not part of that plan?

Maybe they don't trust the OP to not have another 'accidental' pregnancy. Or at least based on the outcome of the first unplanned PG, they know that she would insist on having the baby even if it was unplanned and her DH was absolutely gutted about it.

Maybe they've encouraged him to see that by taking back absolute control of his fertility he can still have some control over his life and go on to be the success they'd hoped without having the inconvenience and burden of more children to support while he's still trying to find his way in the world.

Perhaps they secretly are hoping they will eventually split up and he can whitewash them both out of his life and move on to something and someone more suitable when he's lived a bit and finished his training as a brain surgeon / hotshot lawyer or something. The more children he has now the harder that will be to do.

Or maybe none of this. Maybe the decision is all his because he knows deep down that the OP is likely to manufacture a situation where another baby appears when she wants it to and there isn't a damn thing he can do about it.

I wouldn't be surprised if he feels deep down that this relationship won't go the distance and he wants to put some damage limitation in place to protect himself. He might choose to have some sperm frozen knowing that in a few years time he can come back to it, but not necessarily with the OP.

I know that sounds harsh but if I were a betting woman....

It is not different at all, she could have said that she didn't want the baby and most people on here would have been behind her 100%
Yes. It is different.
If she wanted an abortion then it is absolutely her body, her choice.We would back her because it is her body and her choice.
But it is different. She told her partner she didn't want children at the START of their relationship so if she aborted an unplanned pregnancy, she was makinh a decision in line with something ehe had been up front about.

It is totally different because had she done that, it is acting in line with the positions they BOTH discussed and agreed was ok.

Him having a vasectomy is his body and his choice.I am not saying he shouldn't get a vasectomy.

However, what he can't do is then push the emotional responsibility of 'does our family stay together?'onto the OP.
Leaving his wife in the position of 'i changed my mind take it or leave it' means SHE is doing all the emotional work here, SHE is the one worrying about if SHE could split a family up. That's what's not right and what I consider to be dickhead behaviour and emotionally manipulative.

If he was going to be a reasomable adult about it then they should both discuss where this decision leaves their marriage and there should be no 'if you don't like my
choice you can leave but YOU would be breaking our family'. It should be 'this is a deal breaker. We would still be a family but not as one unit'.
The fact the OP is the one worrying about if SHE is splitting the family up is a sign that most of the emotional fall out is being put onto her (probably whilst he sits around discussing his family planning with mummy and daddy and thry go on about how ideally his child wouldn't exist).

TournesolsetLavande
I agree. The entire dynamic is off here which probably clouds how parties.are engaging with it.

In almost every possible interpretation of tje situation (other than the jokes about being too young for a grandma), the parents seem like they have an odd dynamic.

I see your point Maisie but without knowing how long these two have been together, I really wouldn't pay too much attention to what anyone in their late teens or very early 20s says about not wanting any children or wanting two or three or six when they are as young as these two were. Some people know 100% they never want children but far, far more people say it than mean it.

I've lost count of the number of posters I've seen over the years who have said 'I was always adamant I didn't want children but I got unexpectedly PG and I just knew I had to keep it.' And it turns out they were barely out of their teens when this happened.

Frankly, that is not the natural reaction of someone who is adamant that she doesn't want children ever. You don't just change your mind about something like that if you felt strongly enough about it in the first place.

Likewise lots of young people have the romantic dream of a big family, like the Waltons. A few years down the line when they know what it's like to have two or three kids, even a fourth one starts to look like a life sentence of breaking rocks in the frozen Siberian wilderness. Young people say all sorts with great conviction. They rarely do it or mean it as convincingly as they say it.

I think it's considered something a bit 'cool' that is supposed to set you apart from your peers and make you look like a go-getter to say, as a very young woman, that you can't ever see yourself being tied down to kids. Especially when lots of your peers are doing just that. But when it comes to it, it's often just hot air or hypothetical musing.

Most women who have always felt very strongly that they don't want children are very, very careful with their BC in the first place and if accidental PGs do happen, they are usually horrified and don't tend to keep them.

Careful sayimg they're young. Some people have already kicked off on here about any.mention of age.

To be fair, as long as they are being up front and open and demonstrating they are taking their spouse's feelings and views into account, there's no reason why they couldn't work through it or decide to split amicably because a different view on childreb is a deal breaker.

What's wound me up in this situation is that he seems all 'my choice so i'm doing this. Take or leave it' and other posters think this is an acceptable way to behave. So we have a wife who thought they would have more children now feeling like if it is a deal breaker for her like she is splitting the family up if she leaves. She isn't.
A major part of the relationship has changed and if they get past it then great, but if are not compatible then fine, but she shouldn't feel guilty ot guilt tripped into staying because she is worried of being the one who split the family up.

What's wound me up in this situation is that he seems all 'my choice so i'm doing this. Take or leave it' and other posters think this is an acceptable way to behave.

And if was an abortion most on here would say that this would be an acceptable way to behave.

If this was the OP coming off contraception and saying that he must have a vasectomy, lots of posters would be still be saying that this is her right not to pump her body full of hormones and if he doesn't want kids he should take responsibility. "Its his turn" is so often banded about.

These are so often unilateral decisions made by one person that effects the relationship and the male partner is left with the emotional burden, but that doesn't seem to matter.

If this was theOPcoming off contraception and saying that he must have a vasectomy, lots of posters would be still be saying that this is her right not to pump her body full of hormones and if he doesn't want kids he should take responsibility. "Its his turn" is so often banded about.
If a woman came off contraception and said it was the man's turn and expected him to have a vasectomy then in my opinion she would be massively unreasonable.
As it stands, there are fewer contraceptive options for men than women. I'd like to see that changed.
I also think when people tell a man 'you should have had a vasectomy' when they aren't thrilled at an unplanned pregnancy is a totally dickhead thing to say.

These are so often unilateral decisions made by one person that effects the relationship and the male partner is left with the emotional burden, but that doesn't seem to matter.
I don't agree with making unilateral decisions when there is a better option which demonstrates respect and concern for one's partner.
How hard would it be for them both to discuss the situation and then explore together where this leaves the marriage? Surely if you've decided to marry and have a child a sensible, rational conversation which doesn't leave one party feeling entirely responsible for splitting a family (hate that phrase for this situayion but it was what the OP was worried about ) isn't too much to ask. Nor is it too much to ask to not discuss your family planning witj your parents (but maybe i'm odd. I think some issues are for the couple alone or maybe a trusted friend. They are not family issues).

Ultimately, when it comes down to it we have bodily autonomy. But that doesn't mean 'i'm doing this. Suck it up. Take it or leave it.' is the morally right way to behave.

It absolutely IS right for him to make this decision for himself, unilaterally. How else would it actually work? If he does not want any more children then it is absolutely right for him to be allowed to make that decision.