Husbands booked a private vasectomy I'm gutted

[DoYouRegret]

We have one DD who will be 3 in June together. I love her so much, she's such a funny little soul. But I just can't imagine never ever being pregnant again, but I might have to get used to it.

I'm only 25, DH 24. But he's managed to find a private surgeon who will give him a vasectomy as he's adamant he doesn't want anymore children.

It really really hurts. When we first got together I was unsure if I wanted children, but DH said he wanted 2 or 3, maybe even 4. I know minds get changed as is obvious because we have DD, but I'm so upset.

I've asked him to put it off for a few years, wait until DD is 8 or 9 so we're sure but he says he's been sure since the day she was born that she'll be his only. He feels his life is complete. DD wasn't planned, and we didn't get married until she was nearly 1. He says as soon as he held her when she was a few minutes old he felt that was him done for fatherhood. For the first 6 months of DDs life I've not wanted another child, but then I changed my mind. DD also wants a sibling, she often asks when she's getting a baby brother I know I can't trust what a 2 year old says though as obvious she doesn't know the reality

I admire his honesty, and I'd never break up our family over it. And the operation is booked and paid for now (his grandparents are giving him the money for it ) but I feel so upset.

His parents didn't want to ever be grandparents and they regularly tell us that, they love DD but they don't help us out childcare wise, never look after her on their own and tell everyone who listen that "they never wanted grandchildren" and "Would be happy to never have another" which I think might be influencing his decision. Obviously they're no obliged to help us out, but I think this is a horrible thing to say.

How do I get over this? And look to the future with only one child?

Also has anyone stayed with a husband/partner who did this and not resented them?

It's his body. It's his choice. And if he goes on to regret his decision that's a consequence of his actions.

As is potentially losing his marriage.

You have 2 problems as I see it:

1. you and your husband aren't on the same page at the moment

2. your in-laws are rude.

In both cases you need to speak to your husband. Has he considered the effect a vasectomy could have on your relationship? Is it so important to him that he's willing to sacrifice his wife and living with his daughter all the time? Is he prepared to be a divorced parent with all that entails?

And could he please speak to his parents about their comments. They're making statement that imply their right to dictate what happens to your body, your marriage, your daughter. Different when they're asked for advice by either you or your husband. Rude when unsolicited. It's upsetting you. Ask him to try to make it stop.

He's made his choice. Next you will have to make yours. Stay and see how it goes, (making sure to keep your options open, your own support network, and financial independence) or go now.

Yes, yanbu it would hurt me too. I don't think it's unreasonable to wait, you could've had a contraceptive implant.

Does he love DD, is he glad she was born? Everyone needs to stop talking about how they don't want children / gc before she gets a complex about it.

His body his choice. Given he's already had one unplanned child he is very correct in taking responsibility for his own fertility when he doesn't want another.

You are free to respect that the decision is his alone to make and he knows you may choose to leave if having more children is more important to you than him.

Reverse the situation, would you be happy to not had secure contraception in place when you knew your partner wanted more children and had already had an unplanned pregnancy and kept the child? I wouldn't be.

His body his choice, sure, but I don't think it's very fair on you. It's as if only his feelings deserve consideration. Is he normally this selfish?

Personally I don't think I could live with it, and after a time I think I would resent him so much that I would be forced to leave.

I am also completely disgusted by his parents. For one thing those are horrible things to say, particularly as your little girl is already here and will hear them at one point, which might well impact negatively on her self-esteem. For another I would very much read into it a regret to have had children themselves. Does you DH ever feel unloved and unwanted by his parents? I think I would in his shoes. Could this have influenced his decision?

His body his choice as everyone else says.

You also have your own choice about your fertility. So, does he understand that if you wish to have more children, you will probably end up finishing the relationship?

I wouldn't be exposing my daughter to grandparents who tell 'anyone who'll listen' that they didn't want her. I'd be asking dh to speak to them and tell them to stop it, and if he won't (which I suspect may be the case) I'd be speaking to them myself and making clear that either the comments stop or their contact with my dd does.

As for your dh, this is such an odd course of action for a very young man that it does sound as if his parents may be having undue influence here. IIWY I would make it very clear to him that you want more, that you married him and went ahead with dd on the basis that there would be more, and that you genuinely don't know, considering how young you are, whether you can live long-term with not having more. Point out that he was all of 21 when he 'knew he was done' and how young that is to know your own mind about anything (and it really is). Explain that the reason why he's having to go private (and it sounded as if he had to search around to find a surgeon) is that no ethically sound surgeon would do this at his age, certainly not on the NHS. Have a think about his relationship with his parents. Are they very close? How mature is your dh otherwise?

He needs to know that while you are not trying to force a decision now, you may well not be able to live with this long-term, and that while he has a choice to have this done, you will have a choice to leave in order to have more children with someone else.

Those Grandparents - sheesh! You can do without that negativity in your life!

I bet he's an only chid and his parents have ingrained their dislike of children into him.I would never, ever be able to look at my ils again if they interfered like that.
Yes, his body, but your body too. Why does his choice trump yours? And as this affects both of you, some discussion should have happened.(And yes if the roles were reversed) I'd be asking for either a delay, whilst some other long term contraception was put in place, or sperm frozen. If he won't even consider that then I think I'd be very bitter and resentful.

It’s his choice.

You have to decide what you do now

And yes. His choice trumps the op. Because it’s his body. The person who doesn’t want children always trumps the one that does. Whether that is abortion, contraception, doesn’t matter.

I too would be having a serious discussion on two main areas: his parents opinion is more important than yours on a decision which belongs only to a couple ie having children. I’d say I don’t see a marriage working unless it’s about us, not your parents then us. And he is making a decision for him but it changes the game for you -at 25 you can’t promise it won’t be a dealbreaker. Again you aren’t sure how committed he is to the marriage anyway as he doesn’t seem to want your opinion.

There is all the stuff about he might change his mind etc but the above issues are more important, as this decision affects you as well and he’s not handling it that way.

His body, his choice. His parents are arseholes to say what they do, but they're not obligated to provide any childcare. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

I was in very similar situation, one DS who also turns 3 in June and a husband who’ll be 24 at the weekend and was done and wants a vastectomy. I’ve not managed to convince him to have one more before he goes ahead with it as thankfully we don’t have the money for it and the NHS obviously won’t do it for a guy his age with only one child. I just had several long chats with him about how important it is to me and how amazing it would be for DS to have a brother or sister and that it makes sense to do it sooner rather than later. I hope you manage to change his mind. I’m sorry this has happened, it’s very hard when things don’t turn out how you expected.

My dh did this on the bus as we were older and had more children and yes, it has driven a wedge between us which I don't think I will ever get over.

Is the private surgeon in this country? I’m very surprised that a private surgeon in the UK would agree to this on a 24 year old save where there were extenuating medical circumstances, and without knowing you were in full agreement. Private surgeons adhere to the same code of ethics as all other doctors.

If my partner did this, going about it the way he has, in these circumstances, it might well be making me reconsider my future with him.

At the very least I would want him to be freezing some sperm, to humour me, in case he changes his mind.

Yes of course it is his right, it wouldn't be right for me to overrule it. But I fail to see why it would need to be this choice, a vasectomy, rather than other reliable long term contraception.

The person who doesn’t want children always trumps the one that does

very very tricky subject - a partner can't make his wife have an abortion, can they

I don’t think at just 24 years old, you can make such a life changing decision. There are so many pitfalls that could occur, relationship break ups, changing your mind later down the line. My DH considered a vastectomy after DS2 was born, we went together for counselling and one of the questions we were asked was, how would you feel if you lost your baby, I knew there and then that they was no way he would be having the op! I can’t see this ending well and I feel sad for you OP. As a couple it’s not a decision one partner can make.

That’s my point which I put badly. No one can make anyone else do or not do something they want to do with their own body.

No one can make this man not have a vasectomy

No one could make me have an abortion and carry a baby.

Bodily autonomy.

His body his choice - but if he's old enough to decide, he should also be old enough not to be so influenced by his parents. And they do sound horrible.

Ok slightly different situation as I have two children and my partner and I are in our early 30s however we discussed throughout the last pregnancy (which was a business decision to give out first a sibling) that this was it for us and decided he would get a vasectomy. Now baby is here and we all love him so much that I'd go for a long term contraception that gives us 5yrs breathing space to finally decide. We are pretty adamant we don't want any more but in 5yrs once both our kids are at school we may decide a baby is a great idea and would like that option but also by that point I think we will really know if we want another and it's less likely if we separate that we will want to start a family with new partners. We would also happily adopt though so if we did go for something permanent it wouldn't stop us adding to our family if we really wanted.

It's so final and he is so young. I can't see you wanting more and him not ending well tbh as generally you get more keen to have another not less over time. That would cause serious resentment and obviously he would be in the same boat if you fell pregnant and forcing another child on him.

I have to say your in laws sound pretty horrific fair enough if they didn't want grand kids and don't want more but why sound off about it all the time. Seems weird but each to their own. I'd maybe ask them to stop discussing it as your poor dd will pick up on it eventually.

I'd suggest couples counselling and for him to reschedule his op so that you can get to a point where you are both compromising or at least accepting of the others decision.

'Is the private surgeon in this country? I’m very surprised that a private surgeon in the UK would agree to this on a 24 year old save where there were extenuating medical circumstances, and without knowing you were in full agreement.'

Any healthcare provider who expects a partner/spouse to be 'in full agreement' concerning the form of contraception and solicits his/her 'full agreement' for a contraceptive medical procedure on a person should be reported. It is NOT for anyone to decide a form of contraception except for the person whose body it is.

A person who is 24 is an adult, not a child, and as long as he/she is in full possession of his/her mental faculties, is entitled to make such a decision on his/her own.

I'm utterly gobsmacked that in 2018 anyone would believe a spouse has the right to veto who a husband or wife does with his/her body.

'As a couple it’s not a decision one partner can make.'

Bollocks! By that logic, a woman can't have an abortion if she doesn't want to have a child and her partner or spouse does, or use contraception if her spouse or partner doesn't approve. A person has autonomy over his/her reproduction. If the spouse or partner doesn't agree with how his/her OH exercises that right, then they're free to live, but never to determine the choice a person makes over one's own body.

Of course it's his body and his choice.

However, I would never render myself permanently infertile without discussing it with my DH properly, weighing up all the options, taking his feelings into account and then making a decision. If I decided to deprive him of more children when he wanted them, I'd be fully aware that he would be well within his rights to leave me and have children with someone else.

He must feel pretty strongly about it given that he's willing to undergo a painful procedure himself when there are longterm contraception options available to you.

If it were me, I would be suggesting that I get a coil fitted (even though my experience with the Mirena was horrendous) and to reassess in several years. It seems very rash to do this so young when you have no idea what life holds.

He's a selfish piece of shit. It's a decision which should be mutual and it's a massive lack of respect for you not to involve you in the decision.

No, I don't think I could get over it.