I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

I really agree with the above.

For me, once the trust is gone it's gone for good. You'll always be suspicious and on guard. He'll eventually (typically a few months time) tell you that you need to stop bringing it up. He's said he's sorry, you need to get over it and stop reminding him. He will have no sympathy for you or the fact he totally shattered your world.

I wouldn't end my marriage after one infidelity personally but there would be no damned excuses. Fact is he saw a woman, fancied her and slept with her. Anyone decent would have tried healing their relationship before sleeping with other people. I wouldnt accepy any excuses at all and there would be consequences and a very long time in couples counselling.
Divorce is horrible, terrible for children and how would you feel about 50/50 co parenting going onwards.
Ive been there. You do however need space to think abput what it is you want and you need someone to confide in.

I had no idea that there was a doctorate degree in rudeness. Yet, here you are.

Yes this. If you need time to make a decision without him around, he leaves, not you.

You need to think about your finances and protecting any money pretty quickly.

He’s grovelling now, but if you don’t give in to his pleas, he might very well turn nasty in the blink of an eye.

He’s a liar and cheat and I think he had no intention of telling you until he was threatened by the OW. No-one can tell you whether it’s worth trying to keep things together because no-one knows if he’d do this again. But he’s already let you down in the worst way possible and I daresay he’s (still) mainly thinking about himself now.

Thinking of you x

This is so sad to read, I don’t know the answer, but take all the time you need @MyHeartisinTwo, ask him to leave to give you that space and time to think.

Do you have anyone in real life who you can talk to and that can support you?

Oh ffs the 'naieve' excuse makes me so cross. Its not naieve to end up alone with a woman in a hotel room. There's so many decisions that have been made to get to that point. So many active choices that he has made.

Also is she junior to him at work as he could have gotten himself into something serious there too. As well as all the gossip :(

So sorry you were treated this badly :(
You will get through this and come out happier ❤️

I really feel for you, this is such a shock.

You need to look after yourself first, it’s all about self care. Hydrate, eat when you can, take exercise, you will be in shock. And sadly I’d agree with getting STI tests it’s always wise.

You absolutely do not have to make a decision. You can separate while living under the same roof, you can kick him out but you can wait before making any long term decisions especially while things are this raw.

My advice is always knowledge is power. When you feel a bit better seek legal advice to understand what leaving him would look like. I read ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ and ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ to help me gain perspective. Those books helped me understand two crucial things a) that affairs are always on the cheater and b) what true remorse looks like not just regret, shame, or narrative control. And I agree with the above he’s not ‘naive’, he has dreadful boundaries (which makes him unsafe) at best or he knew all along where this was going but went there anyway. Tbh the fact that you raised it and he still allowed her to message call etc shows that he is fully responsible for his actions and has work to do on his crappy flaws.

I have more friends who have been through infidelity and quietly stayed, than I do those who left now. All would say that they chose the path right for them at the time. You are caught between a rock and a hard place but over the next few months slowly centre you and decide what will be the best outcome for you and your little one, check that that pathway is safe (emotionally, financially) and proceed with caution.

Huge hug this is truly the hardest thing I ever went through so I understand exactly where you are right now.

He had made promises so wait for proof. Has he applied for other jobs? Where is his phone kept? Has he shown you the proof of his sti check?

He’s saying all the right things… That he’ll change jobs and lock his phone away and do anything..

What’s this other woman all about.

Getting intertwined with a married father, consenting in sexual intercourse. Deciding that she thinks you should know and forcing him to tell you, or else…

Why did she bother with any of it.

Dies she want him for herself more than his three year old daughter needs him?

Hey OP, I’m so sorry this has happened to you, it’s a horrible situation and it’s hard to know what to think, believe, or how to deal with things going forward. You don’t have to rush to make any decisions, take time to come to terms with what’s happened and for your mind and feelings to be clearer.
only you can decide if then you feel the relationship can be continued.

i would agree with others advice though that you need space from your partner - he will try to shift blame, seek empathy, tell you all the things he thinks you need to hear… whether he’s truly remorseful or not will show in his actions, right now it doesn’t seem like he is. He’s not taking accountability and just doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions.
he may act sorry right now, but please take on board that this may change quickly if you’re not responding the way he wants - he may become petty and nasty.

and please don’t think you have to forgive because you won’t be able to manage without him - you absolutely will! It’s not easy, but you will get there if that’s what you know to be best.

and definitely don’t keep his secret for him! If you want to tell anyone, that’s your decision, not his. I suspect he wants it kept secret as this may lower your chances of ending the relationship.

my ex did this - all the it was a mistake, you were distant, I was struggling, I wanted to tell you blah blah, he also wanted me to keep quiet and ‘think of our family’ - he certainly wasn’t thinking of me or our children!

I told people, because I knew deep down I could never forget, even if i forgave, and I knew it would always taint our relationship if we tried to continue. My head knew this, my heart didn’t, I didn’t want to be a single mother, I didn’t want my children’s lives disrupted and their family fractured, and I was terrified of managing alone financially, physically and emotionally. But I knew I could never trust him again. Telling others meant I had support and was more determined to do what was right for me.

he may be telling the truth that this was a one off, but I’d also keep in mind that he is likely downplaying everything to lessen his behaviour and you may never know the full truth. But I understand how something so devastating can make you want to believe their excuses because the thought of everything and the life you’ve built and know changing so radically is bloody scary!

take some time for yourself, you’re likely to go through a range of emotions and be really up and down for a while. It’s tough, and it might not seem like it, but you will get through this

sending you lots of love

I am so sorry reading this. I have been through not exactly the same but close enough. I ended up a single parent and I know lots of people do not feel like this, but I found it the comfort that kept me going. There is no way through without massive heartache. I don’t think what’s happened is really forgivable and you don’t want to regret wasted years trying to forgive him. You have your daughter and you can focus your future on the two of you together. It’s so personal that no one can really advise. But I found single parenting the thing that got me through, and kept me going.

My experience is that they ironically want the perceived ‘loyal safe family’ man for themselves.

It’s a huge irony that by sleeping with or ‘winning’ that ‘loyal family man’ they end up with a cheat, liar and manipulator.

It’s such a strange mindset.

Just been through something similar (emotional affair) and also have a young child. I’m a single mum now and very happy.

You are being very tunnel visioned . The OP doesn’t need telling what to do , her husband as already forced her into a position where she has to make a choice and has taken away some of her agency by his actions . She needs advice to consider and for her to make an informed decision at her own time , knowing her own feelings and individual circumstances, your telling what to do , not given choices or advice is just as emotionally harmful as that you refer to. Your gender doesn’t exempt you from it

OP, I was told by my brother in law it takes two weeks to know what you want. He was absolutely right - I'd been flipping and flopping after getting my ex to leave and was on the verge of asking him back after a few days. Took brother in law's advice, which gave me time to really think, and by the end of the two weeks I knew the relationship was over. Take some breathing space and time. Then make a decision.

You’ll never trust him again, so it’s over.
Don’t waste your life staying for your child.

Ah the poor man! So naive he didn’t even know what his dick was doing! 🙄. Men are pathetic, I wish they’d just own it.
of course it’s up to you what happens now. I couldn’t ever forgive, I’d live the rest of my life suspicious about what he’s doing and I couldn’t deal with that stress all the time.
you CAN survive without him. Millions of people do. And speak to people in real life, don’t let his “embarrassment “ get in the way. He’s embarrassed he got found out!!!

Please, whatever you do, talk to someone in real life about this. When this happened to me (for the last time - I’d already tried to make it work through other betrayals) I immediately told my parents. Like INSTANTLY. I knew I had to make it real in order to not sweep it under the rug again and let him convince me another time that this was the last.

OP many of us have been there where you are now and know how you're feeling.
You are in shock right now so be very gentle with yourself.

Practically make sure you are keeping yourself hydrated and eat bananas or soup or something light when you're able to. Just little steps to take care of yourself while your body is running on adrenaline.

I tried with my XH. We had a newborn and a 7 year old so I felt I had to try to hold onto my marriage. XH worked with OW and that wasn't going to change.

It was a living hell for me and I wish I'd had MN for support at the time, things would have been very different for me. I suppose what happened was what's called 'hysterical bonding' where I did everything to be the woman I thought he wanted and we went through a honeymoon phase as such.

Guess what? XH just carried on as soon as he thought I wasn't looking.

I caught him texting her and this time I booted him the fuck out. Proper bin bags in the street, neighbours all watching kind of thing.

My life is amazing now, I remarried a few years later to a wonderful man.
XH and OW married. I feel no anger, no resentment, nothing now towards him. It's like being married to him happened to someone else now. She doesn't trust him and how can she? She's seen how duplicitous he can be.

You get this one life and you deserve to be happy and find peace. In the coming days, months you will find strength you didn't know you had.
You can absolutely do this on your own, you will surprise yourself.

If I had my time again I wouldn't have taken him back. He acted like a victim and even at the time in the fog of it all, I could see what an utterly selfish cunt of a man he was. I just wouldn't have wasted my time.

I would have my suspicions that this wasn't just a one off with your H and he'd dumped her and that's why she wanted you to know. You and his friend 'warned' him and he ignored you and carried on anyway and you have to wonder why.

Please don't listen to some of the cheat-apologists on this thread.

Yes sometimes couples can come back from cheating allegedly but why would you want to? Why would you want to live on your nerves, in hypervigilence, wondering who he it texting.

I always think you can fix most things but this is now broken and can't be unbroken. You can't cellotape the pieces back together.

I promise you though eventually you will be just fine and you WILL be happy and find peace. (Not with him though)

Please look after yourself 💐

@XMissPlacedX advice that there is no time limit on processing this is so true, and also holds a real warning for the future: you may still be struggling many months and years down the line. Recovery can happen in waves and currents -it's rarely a straightforward path out of the pain you're in now toward 'the way it was before'. I'm quite a long time off an EA, but the jury is still out on whether I'll be able to make peace with it long(er) term. It's OK to bide your time, for any reason at all.

Also, @Yogafiend made the very compassionate point of saying not to feel bad or ashamed if you end up sleeping with him in the coming weeks -this is quite common and is a 'thing' in the post-affair mess. It is what it is, it can mean a lot or nothing at all, bring comfort and connection or more distress -or both. And it's one of a myriad natural ways in which a shocked and traumatised heart might try to make sense of the hurt and uncertainty.

Really feel for you, OP.

I adore my DH and can’t imagine life without him but if he cheated we’d be done. I’d never forget it, I couldn’t trust him again. Putting his whole family in jeopardy for a quickie with a work colleague. That’s not a man I’d want to be with. My dad cheated on my mum after 45 years of marriage, she threw him out immediately, she was devastated but like me she lost all trust.

If it was only a one time thing why did the OW tell you? I wonder if it’s been going on longer and she’s sick of waiting for him to leave you so hopefully to force his hand?

I think you’d cope better as a single mum than as a wife who’s constantly worrying about where her husband is
before making any decisions have a long hard think about whether you could truly forgive and trust him again

So far he has admitted to what you knew because the OW told you, my thought would be ‘what else has he done?’ And that alone would be enough for me to know it’s over because I’d never again be able to trust him. I’m sorry you’re going through this, find someone in real life that you can talk about this with.