I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

So the OW used to call him at 8.30 in the evening to talk to him about her MH? How many times did she call and what was his reaction when his phone rang? He was quick to explain it was a female friend at work who needed his help, your alarm bells started ringing then, you did warn him but he took no notice because his ego was being fed. He even confessed that another female friend warned him too but bless his cotton socks, he is so gullible and naive that he had no clue she would chuck him over her shoulder and have her wicked way with him while he whimpered that he was married. What a load of crock, he’s putting the blame solely on this woman’s shoulder and your’s because he felt neglected at home! He has not taken any accountability of his own actions, he’s just a little innocent that somehow speared her with his prick whilst she was bending over the photocopier at work. Total accident of course and all her and your fault and he is totally blameless. He is not sorry for his actions, he’s only sorry he got caught out.

For the sake of your DC and your sanity, take photos/copies of everything monetary and keep them in a safe place, also any messages. Could could also, without H knowing see a solicitor to know your position incase…

You can only do what is right for you and your DD.
Whilst you might be able to have counselling and get back in track, personally I don't think it's possible. Both you and another friend warned him about this lass, yet he still didn't back off or listen. He's only told you because the OW has managed to tell you. How long would it have gone on otherwise?
Good luck

I’m so sorry, I know this feeling and it’s bloody awful. Speaking from experience it’s not easy to forgive and forget! It eats you up inside and he gets away with it.. then you the one in the wrong for not being able to move on. And guess what - when the dust has settled he’ll do it again. I know it’s hard but you can absolutely do this, take some time out away from him and get some real life support. 4 years on and my life is very different now and my only regret is that I didn’t kick him out from the get go. I tried and failed for 5 years to get past it, I made myself mentally ill and wasted 5 years trying to fix something that was broken. Think about the lies he’s already told you - not someone you can ever trust again. 😞

He only admitted it eventually, after you already knew

He would never have told uou otherwise

I'm really sorry this happened

Talk is cheap. If he truly respected your marriage, he wouldn't have done this

You deserve better

And this is all down to him, not you

I'm sorry this has happened to you, you need to sit with it a while to get over the shock before making any big decisions.
Some people move on from this and can make it work, some can't- you need to decide whether you can trust him and have respect for him in the future, if not, even if he is father of your child, it is better to split up.

It doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage, but it’s up to you what you want to do. Don’t stay because your frightened of a future on your own, women thrive on there own, if you stay with him because you want to and you both work at it you can be happy, but it will never never be the same. It’s happened it’s hurt it’s changed things and it will always be there. There will always be a bit of second guessing and overthinking. Do nothing while upset, really thing about it, why was it not good before, while were you still together. It’s always going to be in your background in your history.

I know this feels huge, and it is. But you don’t actually have to make a decision or do anything right now. You are perfectly entitled to live the next week / month / years of your life however you chose, staying as a household, and then leave him in X years because of it. He doesn’t even need to know that’s your plan. You can ‘give things a go’ whilst secretly buying yourself some time to get your ducks in a row. You don’t have to kick him out the house screaming (even though you might want to). You can leverage him to buy yourself time. Just as he’s leveraged you to be a nice home to come back to. Do what is in you and DD best interest,

Personally, it’s not something I could forgive or forget - but it might be for you. Lots will say LTB, myself included. But if that’s not the decision you come to, it’s your life.

Funny how it's always a 'silly mistake' after he has taken his clothes of and had sex with another woman. It never seems to occur to them before that it might not be a good idea.

He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it

To which you tell him it doesn't have to be over but whether it is or not is up to you, not him.

He’s asked me not to tell anyone as he’s ashamed and embarrassed.

And tell him that that too is also up to you not him. That what matters is support for you, not his feelings. That you weren't the one who slept with someone else. So if you want to tell people you will.

OP, have you had unprotected sex with him since he had unprotected sex with OW? If so, that is really serious. He could have given you something horrendous like syphilis or HIV. I mean, I'm sure he hasn't, but that's not the point.

I'm assuming that he had unprotected sex if he went for STD tests. Which, by the way, I HIGHLY doubt that he has done. You absolutely need him to give you proof.

By having unprotected sex, he could have exposed you to the horror of OW becoming pregnant and therefore being in your life forever because the baby would be DD's sibling!!!!

If he really didn't use a condom, I would be thinking what that means in terms of personality traits apart from being unfaithful. Someone who puts their spouse's health and entire world and future at risk like that, on so many different levels, is immature, dim-witted, has issues with impulse control, doesn't think through the consequences of his actions, and is quite possibly a bad choice of life partner over and above the infidelity issue.

AND, she's a colleague! She could complain, especially if she's junior to him. She could say that she felt she had no choice or she would lose her job. So, let's count. He has exposed you to

1. STDs, which can kill you or take your fertility or, in the case of syphilis, drive you mad.
2. Pregnancy of OW and her being inserted into your life forever, without your consent, because the baby would be DD's sibling.
3. Threatened your family's income because OW is a colleague.
4. Threatened your family's income via having to pay child support because she got pregnant.
5. Put your mental health at serious risk.
6. Exposed you and your marriage to the possibility of a court case if she turns round and says it was non-consensual. (Scorned women have been known to do such things.)

He has invited an utter stranger into your marriage, potentially along with her germs, DNA (pregnancy), and craziness. And you never consented to any of that.

Even if, to him, it was a meaningless roll in the hay, his terrible lack of judgement and absence of integrity would really, really have me questioning whether this is a personality I want to go the distance with. I just think that what he did might speak of character issues that are about other things than fidelity. If he has judgement and impulse control this bad, and if he can't adequately think through the consequences of such abominable behaviour before doing it, what other scrapes might he get you both into? How else might he let you down? He seems to be of weak character, especially if he didn't use a condom, and weak people terrify me. Weakness can have the same effect as abject cruelty, even if the behaviour comes from a different place. An example would be when my sibling wouldn't come anywhere near our parents when they were terminally ill for a couple of years each. Even though, for much of that time, they could carry on almost as normal. I cannot, and don't want to, imagine the scale of their hurt. But she wasn't cruel, she was so weak that she could not cope with it. I'm scared for you that if you carry on with such a weak man who has such poor judgement and lack of impulse control that he might let you down in ways such as this.

So, in a weird sense, maybe the extra-marital sex is a red herring. Maybe you need to be thinking about what he did in terms of his wider personality. You know him, after all these years, so you should be able to put it all together pretty well. Does he have other disappointing character traits? Has he let you down in smaller ways? Can you usually count on him to do the right thing? Is he kind to people when there's no benefit to him? Does what he's done fit with other aspects of his personality? Have you noticed that he's selfish in other ways? Is he impulsive, irresponsible, and shows bad judgement in other areas of his life, too?

I'm so sorry, OP. You have a lot of thinking to do.

ETA: If this infidelity is, indeed, a sign of personality issues as described above, finding out about the infidelity could be one of the greatest gifts you've been given. A chance to see the real man behind the mask, perhaps, and a chance to get away before wasting the rest of your life with him.

He also blocked her on your social media, which was premeditated when the shit was hitting the fan. He could have sat you down and confessed which would have still been devastating for you but at least it would have come from him.
I’d be asking myself why she felt the need to blow up everyone’s life for a one night stand because she is risking her job and he doesn’t sound worth it. She could have went to work and ignored him, it would have been awkward between them but it would have died down eventually. She chose to reveal the affair and the atmosphere will be toxic between them plus everyone gossiping about them which sounds unbearable.

He has not only destroyed your trust in him but also the respect you had for him.

It sounds like more than a one night thing op for her to have told you. Maybe she wanted more and he said no. Whatever happened he should not have let it. It’s up to you if you want to forgive him. I would take a day at a time and maybe ask him for space over the weekend. I could not forgive when in a similar position.

You'll be just fine as a single mum. Thousands of women manage every day. You'll get over the shock and move on, I promise. I did and I was happier.

Don't even think of letting him come back. He's history!

This. In spades.

Come on OP, allow this to slide and you are in for an 'open marriage' without you realising it. It was offered on a plate and he took it. Shows what his vows meant eh?

Get rid of him OP, otherwise he will think he is getting away with it and will do it again, or worse stuff.

You ll be fine, I am a single mum of two, both under three and honestly, I wish I left my ex sooner!

I don't say this lightly, but if you forgive him, from experience, I know men will think you will never walk away and they can do whatever else they want.

Such a massive shock. Take your time and decide based on what YOU want, not what others tell you to do. I wonder if her motivation in telling you is to get him to leave you so she can have him. If that’s the case then you will always be worried she’s there in the background waiting. If it’s purely a one night stand, drunken mistake then MAYBE you can forgive him. It might be that he thinks he loves her, which will be much harder to heal

Oh and book yourself into a clap clinic. Sitting on those hard chairs waiting to be examined is a bite of a reality sandwich.

Waiting to see if he has booked himself in (he won't have) is another bite.

Well, lots of people will tell you that being a single mother is great. I can tell you that it's not. My husband worked overseas a lot when my children were young and I worked in a high-pressure job. It was hellish. I'd rush home to pick up the children from wherever they were and then try to organise homework, dinner, baths and bed. I was responsible for everything - I remember sitting in the Emergency Department waiting for the plastic surgery team to see if they could suture my son's slashed open chin that night or come back the next morning. Your husband sounds remorseful and she sounds like a bit of a bunny boiler (yes, I know it was him that broke his vows). I would try very hard to mend my marriage - counselling or whatever it took. That said, I'd never trust him the same way again.

Sorry OP. He is right that it doesn’t have to be over but, as others have said, that’s for you to decide. No need to do so right now. Reach out to supportive friends or family and simply look after yourself right now.

The fact that he immediately tried to place the blame on her and 'mental health' is a bad sign. To have a chance of getting through this he would have to be completely accountable for his actions and have a self awareness that would likely have stopped him having an affair in the first place.

Oh OP I really feel for you. But life is too short to stay in a relationship with a cheat.

He says that they had a conversation yesterday and she asked if he’d told me yet. He said he wanted to be the one to tell me but thought she might first so blocked her SM accounts on my phone.

So had he already blocked her on your phone at that point? Did he come home to do it? Did he physically access your phone? or do it from work? What’s the timeline? Something seems off to me here.

Oh he does, does he? That's nice of him.
Well it's not up to him, it's up to you. And I'd not be able to stay with him. All I would see was him and her every time I looked at him. So sorry OP. Please take your time, take comfort in DD & do not let him brush this off or or downplay what he has done.
I hope you're ok 💐

I’m so sorry he has done this to you OP.

Like other posters have said, you don’t need to make any decisions right now.

What I would say though is that you state not wanting to be a single parent as a reason for staying. He would still be a parent. You both get to decide how that looks.

Im afraid I’m not sure he’d have told you had she not. And I don’t buy his ‘I was naive’.

They used an hotel. How did that happen? He blocked her on your phone, that’s pretty duplicitous. He was warned that she wanted more. HE wanted more too. He’s trying to locate the responsibility in the issues in your marriage and in her. He’s saying sorry whilst finding excuses - weakness or naivety. He is trying to cover it up still. He’s lost control of you finding out so now he’s trying to get you to hide it from others.

He fancied her and wanted to have sex with her. He put those wants and needs above his vows and promises to you, above your psychological wellbeing and physical health. Above the stability at home for your daughter. Putting emotional stress on you, impacts you as a human AND a parent, so he put his wants above your DCs needs too.

If he was genuinely remorseful and wanting to take accountability then he’d be being open about his behaviour with your closest people for support ‘I have done this terrible thing, we need help, I need to make amends’.

By getting you to not tell anyone, he can control the narrative you hear. He can gaslight you into believing that - ‘she orchestrated it, coerced him, seduced him, he tried to resist but was weak, if you’d been a better wife it wouldn’t have happened’ … etc.

No. HE made choices. My marriage was breaking down, I was miserable, there was no sex for years and I had men interested - but I was married. I made vows. I have DC. I have values. I made choices. So did your H.

Whether you can move on from this and find a way to stay together, only you know, but don’t let him keep finding excuses. I think if he was truly sorry all he would be saying is how sorry he is and he would be clearly labelling the damage he has caused to you. He wouldn’t be minimising his accountability or getting you to hide it.

I personally wouldn’t stay with a man who is capable of that behaviour (not just the betrayal but the duplicity and gaslighting) but some women can. I think life is short and women should be raising the bar for themselves. Your DC will still have two parents who love her. He can still be fully involved in her life. You should still have a co-parent. Whatever he does in terms of parenting now, he could still do if you are apart.

But, you need to give yourself time to process this. It’s a massive shock. Look after yourself really well. Talk to someone you trust in real
life.

Sending you love and strength.

Yeah idk why anyone would want to forgive someone who could do something so repulsive and lead a life constantly suspecting him everytime he goes outside until the feeling consumes you, and the worst part knowing that you're probably right.

He didn't even tell her, was calculating enough to block said woman on her phone and had she not found out he would have kept this from her forever. Disgusting, repulsive behaviour. Then she wont sleep with him for years and he'll do it again and blame her for not sleeping with him. The fact she was saying its over and he just responded with "it doesn't have to be" is probably the upmost disrespectful part here; ignoring and denying her decision to leave.

Why even bother making your life this much of a stressful mess jfc. Can't believe people stay with people like this 🫪