I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

I know what you mean about feeling sorry for him OP because you can see he is now suffering - I felt the same at times with my DH. On the surface of it it seems insane, but it's because you love him so deeply (that doesn't just switch off) and you haven't yet processed or accepted the reality of what he did. You see him now in turmoil and your instinct is to comfort him, even though he caused all this and doesn't deserve your compassion, your brain and heart is wired to feel hurt for him because you love him. It's weird but normal. What you are going through is a long and painful process of getting your head around the reality of it. Similar to when someone dies. In some ways it probably does feel like the husband you thought you knew has died and a stranger has taken his place.

He’s slept with her. Sent inappropriate texts including nude photos. He’s lied about having an STI test putting your health at risk. He kept all of this from you until he had no choice but to admit to the tip of the iceberg. I very much doubt he’s only slept with her once. How could you ever believe another word that comes out of his mouth.
Find your anger woman!

We pulled through the first affair but 10 years later …. And again …and again but forewarned is for armed. I was very surprised when I saw a solicitor the first time and she asked if I had an escape fund.
As I have said on a previous post, copy all papers, they might come in handy but see a solicitor asp to know where you stand for you MH, it will give you strength and stop the gaslighting getting into your head.
You can do it.

If you're already feeling sorry for him OP, he's playing a blinder. And you're being sucked well and truly in by his gaslighting.

If you do anything today about this, look on the chump lady website.
www.chumplady.com

What a load of nonsense. He loves having his cake and eating it. The lying about STD testing is just adding insult to injury. OP (and all spouses in general) deserve better than ‘people have sex outside of marriage- but not to hurt their spouses’. Because that’s exactly what happens. It’s an insult to every sacrifice and compromise that partner has ever made to maintain a good relationship.

FWIW I feel sorry for him too. He was too stupid to see what a great set up he had and fucked it all up. Breadwinner wife, small child, good life. Or so arrogant he thought he’d get away with it. He might have even fucked his job up. He’s really pathetic.

She is old enough to know right from wrong. She is also just 2 years out of her teens. Naive and just old enough to buy alcohol in the US. Her brain is not fully developed and she has little life experience.
The point is 1. He is gross to take advantage of someone so young and 2. She has no loyalty to OP. He is to blame. If it wasn’t this young girl it would have been the next.

She only has the husband’s word for it and it doesn’t sound like she can trust a word that comes out of his mouth.
If he is telling the truth, why would she ask where she fits in if she hadn’t been given a reason to believe she would fit in somewhere?

Yes, I don't feel sorry for him. But I pity him, like I would a dying bug.

I think he's still not being fully truthful. OW don't usually ask if the man has told his wife 'about us' after a one night stand. That's usually said when the fling has been going on a while and the man is showing no sign of splitting with his wife.

Dont allow the love you had for him in the begging mask who he is showing you now OP. You love the man he was and the man you hoped he'd be. Dont be hasty in forgiving him for this. There will be more revelations to come, I'd bet on it.

I can understand wanting to move past it, specially with a young child. However, id have to think of it as if however many years down the line if he were to do it again would you look back and regret this decision. You only get one life, do you want to stay with someone who can hurt you in such an awful way and you spend the rest of your life, always a nagging doubt and suspicion? I am so sorry this happened to you :( definitely separate for a long while, see how that feels.

Her brain is fine. It's not so unfinished that it doesn't know right from wrong. If this thing about not maturing until 25 had any effects that were actually measurable in real-life situations, no one under 25 would be allowed to drive, marry, join the military, open a company, train to be a doctor, drink, have a baby, write a will, buy a house, and more. This thing about 25 has just served to excuse people's bad behaviour. It was really, really simple. He was married. Unless she has learning difficulties, she knew exactly what that means.

She was three years an adult. As for only just being old enough to buy alcohol in the US, the age was raised from teens to twenty-one in an effort to curb drink-driving deaths, and it worked. The restriction to twenty-one is nothing to do with being too young to drink alcohol.

She KNEW that he was married with a little child. SHE. KNEW. I think she's a vile, vile piece of shit. It goes without saying that the husband is a bigger one, but the fact that she never made any vows doesn't mean she isn't also a shit. I'll concede the point about life experience, but you don't need that to simply know right from wrong. There is NO excuse for what she did, imo. Obviously same goes for him, but we're talking about her right now.

Plus, he hid it from her till the last possible second. If the random shagger hadn't contacted OP, he'd still be having sex with her. Who knows how often he has done this or tried to? This is his character.

I totally agree and was thinking the same thing. They must have been having an ongoing affair and he must have made promises for her to say "Where do I fit in?" They've probably been sleeping together for months, he's probably said I love you, etc. Her asking that was very telling.

The begging mask....great phrase.

Exactly, youd never trust him again. Its beyond gross. Staying for your own comfort of things staying the same isnt a good idea.

Why on earth do you think/believe that? I know it's difficult at such a horrible time, but try to be sensible and logical. So he doesn't care about her or want her but his penis just fell into her accidentally? If so that means he'd fuck any woman who was vaguely attractive and available, no wanting or caring required.

Your husband is an untrustworthy creep. If there are no other random shags in the past it's only because he wasn't able to line them up.

I wouldn't believe anything he says OP, he's not your friend.

But can you trust him? Could you ever really trust this man ever again? He only told you this time because the OW told you first. Don’t live a life like that, OP.

You had mental health issues, but I’m guessing you didn’t have an emotional relationship with someone else and ending up sleeping with them. I’m guessing that even in your worst state, you would have known it was a shitty decision and a betrayal of your husband. He on the other hand…

OP, the more I think about it, the more I don't see how there's a way forward. You still don't have the truth. He didn't come clean. It seems as if everything was more ongoing and serious than he's admitting, for her to think she still has a place somewhere in this. He must have really sweet-talked her.

She's young and hot, like we all are at 20, and he went for it. This really doesn't bode well for your future years together.

Said future will probably be as people here say who have trodden this path before - full of resentment and worry about what he's doing and not experiencing much peace.

And if you stay together, you're taking the huge risk of wasting many years of your life and having your mental and emotional well-being extremely damaged, because what if he does it again? It's quite possible that every year you give him from now on will turn out to be a year wasted, and you can never again know if you are wasting your time, unless the other shoe drops. You'll never be able to relax. It sounds like a really depressing way to live. You are too good to live that way.

Cut yourself free from this terrible situation, darling. Spread your wings and soar above it. Yes it's scary, and it's not what you ever wanted, but staying with him, that way madness lies. You can make a GOOD life for yourself with your daughter. A life where you're not cast in the distrustful, suspicious wife role. A life of integrity where you are only intimate with men you trust. To stay with him would be to accept a sad, empty, half-life, in my opinion, when you could be living authentically, with trust and respect and non-tainted love in your life. I know some people work through it, but God knows how. But he's young to be doing this, and the lack of thought about his daughter is indicative of someone who might repeat this behaviour. Because if he doesn't even care about putting her world at risk and potentially only seeing her half the time, what hope is there for him to behave for the rest of his life? Is that even realistic, given all the above?

Let her have him. She'll soon know the meaning of the saying "Be careful what you wish for."

I imagine that’s because younger people are more likely to do stupid things like drink and drive? Arguably worse than having sex with a married man. It doesn’t matter whether you think she’s vile or not. He took advantage of her and she did something stupid.
Most people I know, my self included, made lots of stupid, selfish choices in our very early 20s. Choices that we now know are stupid and wrong. But the point is. He is vile. She’s an idiot but it has nothing to do with her. She owes OP nothing.
I hate that we never hold men to the same standards.

How did he take advantage of her? Holding him 100% accountable doesnt take away from the fact she did something very very wrong herself. Age has zero to do with it, i did silly things like getting too drunk (not driving) etc but i would never ever have considered sleeping with a married man, i have and had morals at 21.

We do hold men to the same standards. Everyone saying here how vile the OW is has made the accompanying point that the husband is much worse, including me.

Also, had i have slept with a married man at 21 i would not have considered myself taken advantage of. She has a brain, she knew the situation, she could have said no.

I completely agree, Coralfz. Just because the husband is by far the worst criminal in this scene, doesn't mean that she's not a type of vile of her own. I never would have slept with a married man at that age either, as young as I was.

Oh absolutely, @Lampzade. it seems what happens with this type of man, like @MyHeartisinTwo‘s husband, is that something/someone comes along - often but not always at work - that distracts them from the feelings of boredom there and his own underlying feelings of malaise.

They equate these new ‘feelings’ with ‘having feelings for’ the OW.

The man then feels very special that he’s able to be in love with two women at the same time. This self-validation of specialness reinforces his ‘feelings’, and, for him, being able to shake off the boredom feels so good. He’s not recognising it for what it is - a fleeting lifting of depression through risky behaviour.

Wife finds out. Bubble burst. Now the man is ashamed and desperately needs his wife, whom he does very much love. Often they stay together. He moves jobs.

Trouble is, unless he gets to grips with his underlying depression or sense of malaise, he’ll do it again. He knows now what makes him feel good.