I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

OP, this happened to me. I got the same excuses. In a rut, mental health, stress, didn’t know why he’d done it etc. I arranged counselling and support and we attended together. We were stronger than ever, or so I thought, but I struggled with the betrayal. 2 years later he did it again. I found out he had been trying to get with other women too. I ended it. I’m now happily divorced 5 years down the line. They do not change. They promise you the world when caught but it’s just because they’ve been caught. He is not sorry. He would not have done it if he thought anything of you and you yourself will never recover from the betrayal.

Bloody hell OP. That is so hard. Those feelings are so natural. You are having to get used to a very sudden shift in the reality you thought you were living in.

It’s so hard to get your head around him being both the rock you turned to when you needed him and the snake that given so little care of your mental health he’s made a decision to do something that could damage it (which impacts his daughter too).

I bet once Hitler knew his time was up he cried too.

His sorrow is not about you, it’s about his loss. I haven’t read anything that tells me his focus is on you and your wellbeing. He is sorry for himself.

The pain of loss and betrayal will be immense for you for a while. There is no going round it. But it will get easier. If you have no attachment figure in your life then your yearning for that could hook you back into it and you might stay out of fear.

But all of these awful gut churning, heart aching feelings you are having, will pass.

He has made choices he knew were not right. There many opportunities for him to roll back. He was warned she wanted more. So did he. She is young. Remember yourself at 20. She has MH issues. He has flirted with her, lead her on and then once the high has gone tried to dump her. If she hadn’t have told you, he wouldn’t have. Since you found out he’s minimised it, blamed lots of things, told lies and tried to get you to cover it up.

May be he was supportive of you. May be he has been your rock. But he is not a good man. Good men don’t do the above. He has shown zero consideration of your wellbeing or your daughters and has simply chased the high of orgasm and the ego stroke he’s had. He’s utterly pathetic.

Had he confessed himself, told the truth, nit minimised and blamed others and been totally focused on you and what damage he’s done to you, I might see a way through this with you being happy and loved as you deserve, but his behaviour afterwards tells me he is unlikely to give you what you need and deserve.

Im so so sorry. But as someone else without solid attachment figures in my life, you can find what you need within yourself. You can be your own nurturing presence.

Take your time. I’d ask him to move out at least temporarily. He could come and go to look after DC. But don’t let him fill your head space too much because he will, I suspect, try and manipulate and coerce you to forgive him and have him back. You need to make your decision in the absence of his words. You need support from people who are there for you. Can you afford private counselling? If not go to the GP.

I think you might find that if you research narcissistic personality, he might fit the bill. If he does then learning more about it will help you to see his patterns.

Remember you have an army of wise women here, some who have been through the same, standing shoulder to shoulder with you. You deserve much better than this.

If you’re early thirties and been together since teens the chances are incredibly high he’ll cheat again. He’s had no chance to play around which is what he’ll think probably. Don’t take him back OP, you’ll be going through this again soon if you do. I’m so sorry, it’s a tale as old as time and shit.
*Edited for spelling error.

Something I want to say that isn’t often said. Right now he’s grovelling. Right now you hold all the power in this relationship. That can be a heady thing. Being in a position to tell someone everything they have to change and work on to be with you can feel quite powerful, especially if they’re telling you you’re the moon and the stars and everything they want.

But it won’t last.

Keep reminding yourself of that. You may stay, he may do the work. But once the dust settles and he feels like he’s off the hook, you will start to be the one causing problems in the marriage because you just can’t let it go. And you will never be able to let it go. So you will find yourself with this festering wound that you can’t talk about because you’re supposed to have forgiven him. Meanwhile he will carry on thinking he’s paid his dues and all is forgotten.

It’s not worth it.

I agree with a lot of that, but I do also think that - like all cliches - it survives because it contains truth. People in happy marriages absolutely do cheat, but people are far more likely to cheat if unhappy (not that it makes it the spouse’s fault). If I found out a friend was cheating I would definitely assume in the first instance that they were unhappy in their marriage. A one night stand is different to a long term affair, and OP’s case sounds somewhere in between.

edit: seem to have attached a weird gif, that will teach me to try to post around breastfeeding 😅

I am so sorry people said that to you, that's just abusive imo, definitely victim blaming. Only a truly awful person would say that to a person who's been betrayed :(

Yes, it's a mental cartwheel people try to rely on, and has absolutely no bearing on reality. It can be used cruelly as a cudgel - as it was on you, it can be used to try to excuse cheating by liars, it can be used to try to convince yourself you'll never be cheated on - and it simply is not true. It is a flat out lie that only people in unhappy relationships cheat.

Cheaters cheat because they want to fuck someone else. That's always the entire reason.

And even if it was true (and it's absolutely not) it doesn't let the betrayer off the hook - not at all. Unhappy marriage? Leave. Sorted. Or - tell them you want an open marriage and give them the same choice you are taking for yourself.

In a committed relationship, where the boundaries are agreed to there is absolutely never an excuse for cheating.

To stand any chance of coming back from this it would have needed to be complete honesty from the moment you found out. That hasn't happened. The STD test that was "deleted" but never actually existed is one example. What if you'd accepted his story about it being deleted? He'd have been quite happy continuing to put you at risk! Don't fall for the crocodile tears.

I've told this sorry take before, but I'll tell it again.
My df cheated on my dm when my dsis was a year old. I came along a year after that.
My dm forgave him and stayed with him.
He cheated on her all their married life, it's like her staying gave him the green light.
To cut a long story short, he died and she has turned into a bitter and twisted old woman who bad mouths him at any given opportunity.
He was a good dad to my sister's and I, it was always him who played with us, took us to our hobbies and sporting fixtures and I hate to here her run him down.

Do not become that bitter and twisted old woman who blames everyone but herself for her miserable existence.

Do you wish she had left him?

OP I just want to reassure you - you will be ok and you can survive / thrive without him. My husband - my ‘rock’ through all my mental health challenges - betrayed me in unimaginably awful ways and once I’d extricated myself from his chaos I saw (a) he was part of the cause of my mental health issues (b) me relying on him so much probably emboldened him to feel he was invincible / would never lose his status as my husband (c) I think he perpetuated my mental health problems / encouraged me to feel indebted / dependent and (d) it took time to see it but I’m a much stronger mentally stable woman and mother without that dependence.
Let all your rage out and know that you and your beautiful daughter will be absolutely fine as a duo xx

@ThatCyanCat yes I do.
He had a miserable life, partly his own making, she gave him a dogs life.
He spent a lot of time out of the family home and I can understand why.
My mother isn't a particularly nice person and now he isn't there to take the brunt of it, my sister and I have become her whipping boys. My other sister has cut all ties with her.
She literally harps on about how things would be different if she'd acted differently nearly 60 years ago. She needs to move on and live with her decisions 🙄

I've been through some tough times (bereavements, child with disabilities, job loss, low income etc) where my mental health has been on the floor.
I would still never have cheated on my husband. Never.
I'm sick to death of 'mental health' used as an explanation for shitty behaviour like this. Like the modern day get out of jail free card.
Dump him, just dump him.

@OldrNWisr puts it so well above: if you remain together, be prepared for a long meandering journey through cycles of hurt, that is likely to stretch for much longer than many cheating spouses may feel is reasonable. It's hard to be 'the baddie' for a prolonged period, conscious that he is the source of your suffering -he will definitely need to be prepared for you to have an open-ended timeline of processing and grieving what is now lost, that which he screwed up. He'll likely begin to feel, in the months to come, that he wouldn't be unreasonable to call time on your sadness, that you should be getting over it, that you're ruminating and stuck in the past. He may flip the narrative and suddenly, you'll be the one who's the problem. He needs to understand that if you're to consider trying again, he needs to have a realistic idea of what affair recovery looks like, how long he can expect it to remain 'current' (commonly years) and that it'll never be the same again. He would do well to engage with an online resource such as Affair Recovery which centres experiences of both betrayed partners and those who have betrayed, so he can see what it looks like to be marathon-level contrite and committed to recovery long term.

All of these feelings are normal, OP. You’re not crazy. Your world has been turned upside down. Don’t feel pressured to make quick decisions—create a timeline that works for you. Who can you lean on for support?

Whilst it’s completely understandable to feel pity for him, I really think you need to focus on yourself right now. IMO, that’s the only way you can truly start to repair yourself and, potentially, give the relationship any chance of being repaired too.

When your partner cheats, it can completely destroy your sense of self. It affects your self-worth, your ability to trust your own judgement and even your sense of reality. The self-doubt is inevitable. Was I, and the life we built together, not enough? Did I never really see who he was? How could I have missed this? There are so many questions that naturally come with it.

If you want to find peace again, I think you need to take some time away from him and give yourself the space to heal without him. That doesn’t have to mean forever, but it needs to be long enough for you to work out who you are, what you want and what you actually believe.

If you do eventually choose to reconcile, I think that decision needs to come from a place of strength, rather than fear, guilt or desperation. You need to know that you can be okay on your own — because you’ve given yourself the opportunity to prove that you can.
You also don’t need to hide what you’re going through. Everyone knows you’re separated, so you can be honest about where you are and take the pressure off yourself to pretend everything is fine. And you don’t have to constantly question his intentions, because you’ve already given him the opportunity to leave. You’ve made leaving the easier option, yet he is still choosing to stay and fight for the relationship.

And ultimately, if you start living your lives separately and he eventually gives up on the relationship, then as painful as that would be, you’ll have your answer. It would show that he didn’t have what was needed to do the work required to rebuild the relationship.

Right now, I think the most important thing is making sure that whatever happens with him, you come out of this knowing who you are and knowing that you will be okay.

@MyHeartisinTwoI’m so sorry you’re going through all of this can only begin to imagine how it feels to have your world pulled from under your feet like this.
I think your husband sounds like a fool, he has allowed this young woman to turn his head. Some 21 year olds are more mature and sensible this sounds like a daft little girl playing in the adults pool. It actually sounds like she is thriving on the drama and all that woman to woman crap is feeding something in her. I would personally close that door because you’re giving her validation and really getting nothing more to help. I’d consider blocking this account too.
Where your husband is concerned maybe take baby steps, I’m heartbroken for you that you can see he is hurting and you feel sorry for him, shows what a wonderful wife you are. But today it’s your turn to be selfish, you don’t need to support him or consider his feelings only yours.
As others have said you don’t need to decide now so whilst you’ve no idea what you really want separate yourself from him, no more friendly chats get yourself up and out of the house. Go see friends, take your daughter out for the day just get busy, after last night you’ll understand how good it was for your soul to be with your friend not analysing everything. Do anything to keep your mind distracted whilst you let some defence build up around your heart, you don’t have to leave him but you do need time to heal from this. He has 100% destroyed the life you had 7 days ago, when you waver with sympathy remember that he knew what he did but you didn’t for the time between, when he acted normal and you were just loving the little life you had together that will be difficult to forgive but may give you strength to be selfish in the coming weeks.

Does he have anywhere else he can stay? I do think it’s important that you have some space from him even temporarily so you can process and rage without him there.

Sending lots of love and support your way, you don’t deserve this and nothing you could have done would have made this your fault ❤️

I’m not victim blaming ?? Her husband is at fault. If you love someone and you’re happy why would you want to shatter their life by having sex with someone else.

Because often, people are not unhappy with the marriage, they are unhappy with themselves. No other person can “make you” happy. Happiness is an internal process. If they are unhappy with themselves and rely on others for said happiness, they go out to find more people to “make them” happy. Doesn’t work of course, because the issue is with them.

Barely an adult?? Barely out of her teens?? She's TWENTY-ONE! She's YEARS out of her teens and YEARS into adulthood!

She has agency and she knows right from wrong. She absolutely bears a good slice of the blame for all this - although of course, the married party is way worse.

A YOUNG GIRL???? She's YEARS into adulthood! Not old enough to fully comprehend the gravity of her actions? Why is she old enough to serve on a jury and join the military and marry, then?

Don't get me wrong, the blame is mostly his, but she shares a good part of it. All this infantilising of her on this thread and making out that she has no agency is making me mad! Talking about her as if she's a child who doesn't know right from wrong. EVERYONE knows what marriage means and that it's wrong to sleep with a married father of a toddler. People YEARS younger than her know this! The only possible excuse is if she has learning difficulties or something, in which case she may not know right from wrong entirely

This wasn’t an accidental or drunken one night stand. The texting, the nudes, the visit to her house where they started getting physical and then the night of the party… this was an affair. And it would have continued if she hadn’t told you. She didn’t tell you because she’d want to know or woman to woman or any of that. She told you because she wants him, and she showed her hand when she asked him how she fits in. I’d bet he’s made vague promises or chat about leaving you, being unhappy, how she is what he’s looking for etc so she told you to hurry it along.

It’s good she did because this was an affair in its early days and he’d have continued it.

You love and miss the person you thought he was. That’s very difficult and you need to grieve for that. But you also need to keep your eyes open to the person he is. He cheated, prolonged and planned. It would have kept going. Save yourself any more heartache by leaving him, and going through this grief and upset whilst your child is young and more easily able to adapt.

Absolutely this, an old aunt said to me once “a wandering man will always want to wander”. I think they just try and cover their tracks better to avoid getting caught.

Sadly, I’ve been in a very similar situation, still am really although we had literally just split up days before he started up with her. I ended up having some sort of mental breakdown, begging him to have me back and went through complete and utter hell before he kicked me out 4 months later.

Don’t be me. Don’t take him back, don’t beg, try to put one foot in front of the other, focus on the fact he’s a lying cheating bastard and there’s no excuse for what he did. Block him on everything bar an email address you’ve set up just for him and do not add it to your phone so you can control when you speak to him.

If you continue the relationship, he’ll just do it again and again. After my husband kicked me out he had another girlfriend again, immediately. Stupidly, I started sleeping with him again after he broke up with her, he then was sleeping with me one day and the next he was out dating a new woman without saying a word to me (I’d said I needed to know if he was dating someone) - I knew from his behaviour, begged again for the truth, got lied to and found out ultimately whilst he was on video call with our children.

Do not be me. Please don’t open yourself up to this god awful ongoing heartbreak, be stronger than I am and cut that mother fucker the fuck out of your life and only screw him in the divorce 😉

You are early in your marriage and your lives together really OP and he has already done this. People have affairs and sex outside the marriage for escapism and not to hurt their spouse - the human ability to compartmentalise is impressive. He still loves you. That’s true I am sure. But the thing that would really bother me now is the STD text. What a lie. So HE IS STILL LYING. He is defensive, deflecting and deceitful even now.

And according to OP she couldn’t wait to tell her he’d cheated - to the point where it became a race to see who would get there first. What’s that all about ?