I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

And @Peterbyres1 I bet your wife still doesn’t entirely trust you.

As you’ve previously suggested, you are projecting. To OP, both DH and OW have destroyed her in one way or another and levels of culpability probably shifts every 10 minutes because OP is grieving and it is her experience. No person playing the “woman to woman” card who is taking the time to deliver such awful news, after making a choice to sleep with your partner (irrespective of their own demons or genuine mistakes) is going to receive kindness or warmth I’m afraid. OP is entitled to feel blame in any area she wishes to place as the truly innocent party here.

I think your update makes his behaviour even more shameful OP. He must know how dependent emotionally you are on him and when he chose to start this affair with this young woman he must have had a sense that you needed him so much he could get away with it. And no doubt if you do decide to try and get past this absolute betrayal of your love for him then he will be even more secure in the knowledge he can get away with whatever behaviour he likes.

And no matter how much you, quite rightly, feel dislike for and anger at the young woman, he quite cynically was willing to use the power imbalance at work and his greater life experience to manipulate her into this affair. I am sure he feels he can also manipulate you into feeling sorry for him.

From the OPs updates, she clearly doesn't regret it.

A 21 year old is old enough to know right from wrong. Immature, probably, but still old enough to grasp the concept of relationships. Knowingly entering into an affair/relationship with someone who you know is married with a child is a shitty thing to do no matter how you slice it. So yes, she needs to take some accountability for the fact she has contributed to someone else's heartbreak. Does that absolve him of any wrong doing? Absolutely not. But let's not pretend she is some innocent victim here.

you don't need him , you will manage perfectly fine without him , have some self respect for yourself and throw this one back,can guarantee if he gets away with this with you he will do it again and again. life is shit for you at the moment but you can turn that around and in a few weeks/months time you will be so glad he isn't your problem anymore ... sending a virtual hug and some 💐stay strong and show your DD we don't stand crap from men

Yup. She can be revolted at and blame the vile cow and hate her husband in equal measure, plenty of blame to go around, and its up the to the OP and only the OP how to distribute it.

This. 100%

100%

Correct. There is one reason why people cheat - they want to fuck someone else. That's it. That's the reason.

This is the perfect response to that creepy, awful man.

Don’t leave him simply because your friends or strangers on mumsnet think you should. Real life is so much more complicated than it’s made out to be by many people. Of course you still love him. If you decide to leave, you need to know it’s because there’s no way you could get past what he did. That may well be true, but you need time to process what happened before you can know for sure. You can then leave being that much more confident it’s the right decision.

Do you have the option for getting individual and couples counselling?

Right.

I feel strongly OP has not yet had her fill of eating humiliation pie. She'll be back here in 5 years, 5 more affairs, a dose of the clap and a traumatised daughter later, because she just couldn't cope with the truth - her husband is a selfish arsehole and lying shithead who cannot be trusted.

This.

Unless OP does the right thing and kicks the pitiful dickhead out. Then he'll crawl off and shack up with her for a while (till she cops on to herself) and Miss Shagger will have won the pick me dance like she wanted to. God, what a horrible first prize, OPs creepy husband.

Yes, it's just so awful for the kids of these dreadful men. Constant instability, constant rowing, a watchful, unhappy mum and, at the end of it all, he'll likely fuck off anyway when she gets a bit older. He's shown his preference for fucking anything young he can get his hands on, after all.

Her daughter deserves better.

He may have supported you through struggles in the past but the current struggles you have are entirely his fault. Try and think logically, you feel sorry for him? He sounds like he feels sorry for himself. He should be utterly ashamed of his behaviour. A drunken one night stand might be easier to forgive but you know this was more than that, more lies, more gaslighting. You most likely love the man you thought he was. He is not that man anymore. Of course only you can decide what happens next but I think men who cheat almost always do it again. Look at the pp and their experiences. If he does it again he’ll have wasted more of your time. And you will lose more of your self worth.

Correct. He chose to, because he wanted to. There's no more to it than that.

It’s well established in psychological research that this is nonsense and is such an outdated, victim blaming comment (if you’d made him happier he wouldn’t have strayed) bs.

Why on earth are people still posting it?!

Research agrees with you. Dishonesty is a stable personality trait, and adulterers who have betrayed their partners once are at least three times more likely to cheat again than honest, decent people.

They are either adulterers themselves, or have internalised the blame for their adulterous husband/wife. It's a form of psychological self protection. They know it's not true, but they put their hands over their ears and say it anyway.

Put simply, it makes them feel a bit less awful about whatever they have done or had done to them.

Because it feels reassuring: “well I know my marriage is happy so it won’t happen to me”. It’s the same reason people act like there’s a “type” to cheat and that nice, normal people never do it. “My DH is so normal and such a nice, unassuming man, of course he won’t cheat.” It’s nonsense, but the alternative for many people is paranoia.

Yes, this is also a possibility. I tend to believe they themselves are adulterers trying to shift the blame - but yes it might comfort them to think "it can't happen to me!"

I agree completely with that.

He’s not necessarily with the person he slept with though. I think, for the OP’s sake (not his) it’s better not to speculate, but instead give considered advice.

@PestoPastaLife @Ohyesiwill2 I’m starting to think it’s a comment that helps people feel that there is a way of being in control of their spouse. If I make them ‘happy’ and keep them ‘happy’ then they won’t hurt me. It’s such a useful get out clause for the cheat because they can then spout this back at them ‘I just wasn’t happy’ despite all your efforts and jumps through multiple hoops’.

But I also think there are some posters who just actually believe this. Who are so back dated in their thinking they think a victim is in part way to blame when their spouse cheats. Jeez I had people quoting ‘there are two sides to this story’ at me, when my husband cheated. Yes there’s her side and his side and I was completely blindsided. Had no side, thought I was happy, he certainly presented as such. It’s such a crass crappy and stupid comment.