I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

He didn’t have to sleep with her though.

The OW could have danced naked in front of him with a sign round her neck saying I’ll do anything you want and never tell a soul and he still shouldn’t have had sex with her because he is a married man. If he wanted to sleep with other people he should have said that, asked whether an open relationship was a viable option or ended the marriage. He is a grown man who should know right from wrong, be aware of the promises and commitments he has made, have a basic enough understanding of sexual health and reproduction to know that he was putting himself at risk of an STD, the other woman (and himself) at risk of an unwanted pregnancy and his wife at risk of both an STD and the emotional damage that would be caused by knowledge of the infidelity.

He has absolutely no justifiable excuse for his actions, it was over a long enough period of time to say that there was no ‘sudden decision’ or ‘heat of the moment’ they built up to this. His wife had questioned what she saw so even if he hadn’t recognised for himself that his actions were not right it had been pointed out to him, he then continued to repeatedly lie after the fact both to his wife and the OW.

This was a sustained and deliberate set of actions where he had opportunity to stop and chose to continue.

Just a thought......

I wonder if he is saying he will look for another job because he knows that there is a good chance he will going to be in deep shit there too?

If she is happy to tell his wife, what is to stop her doing the same at work? In fact, I wonder if she has threatened it. She clearly threatened to tell OP and followed that through, so he has grounds to be worried. At their respective ages there is no way she is equal in seniority to him. Any decent employer would look down on this.

If her parents dont approve of her drinking imagine their reaction when they hear this!
They both deserve everything that's coming their way.

This isn't true.

He knew she’d been tested for STIs? Doesn’t sound very much like something that “just happened” since they discussed these things!

Btw, it’s so easy to blame MH, right? Many cheaters do these days. Good riddance

@MyHeartisinTwo I agree with what @Franpie and @SillyBeaker posted. What I will say, from experience, is in my case I wanted to be with him but in the end I never felt able to trust him. I also resented him hugely. Another thing I will say is, staying ‘for the kids’ is not necessarily the best option. While your kids need to be healthy and happy, safe, warm and fed, you need to be at your best to model the behaviours you want them to learn. But whatever you decide, don’t be rushed and if you need space, tell him to go somewhere temporarily at least. As for ‘don’t tell anyone’ you tell whoever you need to tell. He doesn’t get to decide. Of course I’m not suggesting telling everyone but if you need to confide in someone IRL then he needs to accept you need that support.

I was him once and I regret it to this day when I think about it. That was about 25 years ago. We worked thought it and have just celebrated 42 years together.

No-one cares @Peterbyres1

I'm sorry this happened op. You will go through the stages of grief, some days being more sad and others angry but eventually feel better. Practice self care and get support from people in real life, you have nothing to be ashamed of in telling people. It's embarrassing for him not you, that's why he doesn't want you to tell people.

Don’t put yourself through the heartache of staying living together. Concentrate on your mental health. Please don’t be surprised when they get together and he starts dragging his feet about child maintenance. Start telling people who you are close too. You will need all the support you can get.

Try having electrolytes in your water and Squeezy yoghurts for some sort of sustenance. I’ve been there myself, I know the feeling, I wouldn’t wish it on anybody but please know it will get better and this is no reflection on you. But the type of individual they are.

“As for the OW she is apparently angry as she called him and he wouldn't speak to her. He has told her that he needs to sort out things with his family and she has asked where she fits in clearly wanted him for herself.”

So he says. But I would take everything he says with a pinch of salt - he’s a proven liar and he is still lying. Minimising at best. This conversation may not have happened at all. It may have happened but very different things were said. He is trying to make out to the OP he is the bigger person and has told the OW he wants to work things out with the OP - but he may have said no such thing.

I think here he’s letting OP know that the OW still wants him (whether true or not), and is hoping she will play the pick-me game.

You’re early 30s, it doesn’t feel like it but you’ve got your whole life ahead of you still. You’ve somehow settled for a depressive cheat but no worries, a quick divorce and you’ll rebuild your life and make a new future for yourself in no time.

The only major mistake you stand to make here, is staying with this loser and missing your chance for a fresh start. Early 30s is young enough to meet someone new and have more kids and have the actual life you wanted, rather than this shit show that this loser has put on you. Mental illness doesn’t not make anyone became a liar and a cheat, that’s just his personality.

Try not to put the blame on the OW. She’s barely an adult which is hugely problematic in itself. He is disgusting and even more pathetic than he came across before this revelation. I highly doubt she wanted him for herself and it is not her that has destroyed your relationship, this is ALL on him. She’s not great and should not have slept with a married man but she made no promises to you and I can guarantee he spun her a web of lies. He is an embarrassment. Him putting the blame on her and sleeping with someone barely out of their teens is extremely icky. As is blaming his MH. He’s also lied about the std test and been more worried about people finding out what an embarrassment he is than how you feel and your health.
This will not be the last time he cheats if he gets the chance.

You can’t hold people outside of a marriage accountable for the failure of it. Let alone people who are not old enough to fully comprehend the gravity of their actions. No one ever holds men to the same standards, let alone 21 year olds. They’d be excusing him left, right and centre! OPs husband took advantage of a young girl at work who still lives with her parents. He is disgusting. The girl made a mistake and should feel ashamed for a bit and learn from it, and probably will deeply regret what she did. The man will probably get away with this and learn nothing.

Seen a friend now which helped me feel better for a bit. I’m now back home and feeling shit again.

I know I need time but I’m so torn right now. Part of me wants him to lose everything and suffer. But I’m ashamed to say that part of me still loves him and even feels slightly sorry for him because I can see that he’s suffering now.

I’m stupid, I know. But it doesn’t help that my family situation is really complicated. I don’t have a mum to turn to. I’ve also had mental health struggles in the past before we had DD which he supported me through. He’s always been my rock and I’ve always been scared of losing him.

He is a shit husband and a shit friend.
If you stay you have to fix yourself, him and your family. He will be in victim/misery
mode to suck you in. He cheated and you see his suffering!

This is a myth
The problem with people who share this view is that they are blindsided when they find out that their spouses cheat because as far as they are concerned they are happily married .
Many people in ‘happy’ marriages cheat . They cheat because they want something different , they are a bit bored etc but this does not usually translate into being unhappily married

It is ok to stay with him, what isn’t ok is to accept his apology and have nothing change.

He might be depressed, he might really have been struggling, but instead of taking the time to work on himself he strayed like a spineless worm. So now it is time for him to work on himself and become the man you deserve.

If he is depressed he needs medication and/or counselling. He needs to be truthful about what he has done, let you ask questions, let you be angry, let you feel everything you need to feel in order to heal.

You need to take the time away from him to get perspective. You need to work out whether you can forgive him and move on, and what boundaries you need to have in place, what behaviours you need to see from him to know he has changed. Then when you’ve done all of that, said all you need to, cried when you need to, you put on your big girl pants and make that decision…stay or separate.

You are enough on your own, and you can be a good mum without him, you don’t need to stay with him because you think it’s easier than separating. BUT you also aren’t weak if you choose to stay together, it’s not shameful, it is nothing you have done wrong, it is you making a difficult choice to try to rebuild.

Just as an aside, my husband (of 15+ years) lost his mum and then had a breakdown during COVID, he had an emotional affair with someone he worked with, fortunately they never actually met (thank goodness for WFH and distance) as for me I think physical contact would be a line I would really struggle with. But we are still together now, and happier than we have ever been, he had counselling and sorted himself out, we made changes to our relationship together, and he got a new job. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, so if you do decide to stick with him be prepared for the tough road, but it has worked out for the best. There will be other people who have stories of leaving and spreading their wings and creating an even better life without their ex…there is no right or wrong answer, you can only do what is right for you.

Sending love, whatever you choose I’m sure it will be right for you 💐

This is the hard part and it’s very temporary and over so quickly.
you need to be sure you’re looking at the whole picture. The extent of his lying. Taking advantage of a young girl at work. Coming home and feeling no guilt or remorse or shame and lying next to you as if nothing had happened. His good points don’t change the bad. Ask yourself if he’s hurting for you right now? Is he devastated that he’s hurt you or is he upset because he’s been caught and is getting all the blame and losing you? It’s usually selfish.

To be honest it doesn’t sound like a great relationship at all. You both have mental health issues justifying your respective actions, he’s saying he cheated because he wasn’t in a good place, you’re considering staying with him out of comfort bc of your own personal issues. Like how will this work long term, he’ll only do it again and you’ll only lose respect for yourself? Clearly, he’s not as supportive as you think he is. If he felt the same way you do, that you both “saved” each other, he’d never have cheated on you as he’d be fully aware it would flare up your stress / mental health etc?

also be real, he’s in his 30s. Him having sex with a 21 year old was basically all of his dreams coming true, he got more out of it than she did. Don’t let him spin you a lie about her coming on to him, or her wanting to split you up. He was an active, willing driver of this affair. He was totally attracted to her and was willing to risk it all for a night with her. Stop putting him on a pedestal. All she did was exist and be attractive and that was enough for him to cheat on you. It wasn’t an accidental thing where he was brainwashed or a passive participant. You said yourself, they were sending nudes etc. your husband always wanted it to culminate in having sex with her.

Yes it does unless you’re in an open relationship. You’d usually know if you are as presumably you’d discuss and agree that in advance, not after the fact.

It definitely shows a lack of respect and care though. That's enough for me.

Unfortunately, many men do stray if they feel they're not getting enough sex. I wondered why they don't just address the issue with their wives, but I suppose in a way it doesn't help, because what they probably want is for their wives to want them, not to have sex because they say they're not getting enough.

Men do seem to be very prone to feeling unwanted. I don't know why they don't understand get that life gets busy, working mums are tired, etc. and that it's not personal....but they take it SO personally. And they never, ever seem to take into account that women have a tenth of the testosterone that men do, that our hot buttons are nowhere near our vaginas, let alone inside, where they'd be best off, and that we just have an overall different set-up to them when it comes to sex. Apparently men are much more visual, for example. But these differences never occur to them, and neither does it occur to them that it's not our fault!

Men's intense focus on sex is a big reason I never want to marry or cohabit again. I prefer to be around people who value me for my personality.

I think the answer is for women to get their companionship from other women and platonic relationships with men, and have lovers who visit us when we say!

@MyHeartisinTwo

But I’m ashamed to say that part of me still loves him

That's nothing to be ashamed of. It's normal and you are not stupid!!!! Loving someone after they've betrayed us does NOT make us stupid! We can't turn love on and off like a tap For now, just simply accept that you love him and go from there.

.....even feels slightly sorry for him because I can see that he’s suffering now.

Yes, that's normal too. But don't allow yourself to be blinded to the fact that he has brought this suffering all on himself. You didn't cause it. He did. He walked up to the fire and stuck his hand over it all by himself. You didn't hold his hand over the flame. So don't waste too much of your precious emotional 'coin' on feeling sorry for him. You will have plenty of emotions of your own to work through in the days and weeks to come. You need to save that emotional coin for yourself

Also, know that loving someone does not mean you have to forgive them. It doesn't mean you have to stay married to him. But this is all new and raw, you don't have to decide today. You just need to acknowledge to yourself that you will have to make that decision. But it's OK to take some time, decompress and regain your composure. You don't want to make that decision out of fear of losing him. You want to make it based on what is best for you..

I do think if it's all possible that he needs to leave, at least for a little while. You need time, space, and calm to think things through and make your decision. You aren't going to get that with him making puppy dog eyes at you and trying to convince you about how sorry he is. You don't need that. And remember if he pushes back on giving you that space, if he was truly remorseful he would do whatever you needed from him to allow you to think and recover.

......my family situation is really complicated. I don’t have a mum to turn to. I’ve also had mental health struggles in the past.

I'm sorry for this for you. I'm not going to say anything about trying to reconnect with your family. That is not my place to comment on. I'll just wish you peace on that front. But if you feel your MH being affected by this, please, please reach out for help from professional sources. And don't be afraid to lean on your friends regardless. You need support and you deserve it.

Remember that you are not the first person to walk this path and you won't be the last. You will find sources of strength within yourself that you don't realize now that you have. Just take it one day and one step at a time. You'll get through this, you will.

He's gone out without saying where - or when he'd be back - leaving OP looking after their child.

pretty poor follow-up