I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

I see what you are saying but I think what a lot of people are saying is that they both contributed to the situation, that doubles the blame rather than dilutes it imo.

He is a piece of shit for what he has done (as for the behaviour with the SM blocking....dont get me started). But she is also a piece of shit for getting involved when she knew he was married. Both things can be true at the same time and neither takes away from the other.

There isn’t a single bucket of shame that is diminished if more than one person is blamed.

it’s like love, plenty to go around.

Wow, @ThatCyanCat , you and I are coming at this from such different perspectives that we're probably not going to see each other's point of view. Fascinating.

I have never married precisely because I don't value marriage. That's entirely personal and I don't spend a moment thinking about what marriage as an institution and personal arrangement might mean to other people (I have had very long and committed relationships for the whole of my adult life, had children and own property jointly, I have enjoyed monogamous bliss and I have been cheated on, separated and stayed together; a wide range of experiences). So although marriage per se is 'worthless' to me, I do value basic human decency, respect and kindness. I value the agreements we make with others; the ones we make explicitly between ourselves and those which are implicit in our wider relationships and society and expectations of how others might behave and how we behave in return.

You're right, it is not on womankind to uphold men's promises -this is where I have to squint really hard as it just sounds like wilful obtuseness to me- but on all men and women to behave with integrity and do as little harm as possible in our one precious life. When we knowingly insert ourselves into a partnership that is predicated on exclusivity such as most marriages and become willing agents participating in breaking the vows which spell out this agreement, we're doing something that we can be almost certain to cause harm.

His mental health was so bad he could send nudes and sleep with someone else, don’t let him play that card.

You can go to counselling and try work through it but the reality is you will never look at him as the same ‘man’ again.

one thing is for sure though, if you do decide to leave you will get it through it, eventually you’ll come out the other side, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this x

ps. He’s a massive dick

I still think he's minimising what he's actually done. This wasn't one moment where he was “weak” and she kissed him.

He cheated on you multiple times over a period time.
He cheated on you when the friendship became flirtatious and he chose to engage with it.
He cheated on you when they started sending sexual messages
He cheated on you when they started sending nudes.
He cheated on you every time he continued it despite knowing you were uncomfortable about her.
He cheated on you when he went to that hotel with her.
He cheated on you when he had sex with her.
And then he cheated you of the truth by hiding it for weeks.

So “we'd been arguing”, “I was depressed”, “I was weak and naive”, “she kissed me” etc are explanations for the circumstances, not accountability for his choices each time he cheated on you. None of those things made him flirt with her, exchange nudes, go to a hotel or have sex with her.

He may regret it and is panicked about loosing his comfortable home life/relationship/family, but that's different from actually taking full responsibility. At the moment it sounds like he's still trying to explain his excuses why it happened, shifting blame a bit, rather than owning the fact that he made a whole chain of choices to betray you.

I'm glad you have someone in RL now supporting you now and hope they will help you unpick his behaviour.

That's a lot of mistakes though...
He chose not to put boundaries in place when they started to talk about personal issues together.
He decided that her ringing him at home was okay.
He chose to flirt with her.
He chose to send nudes or not block her when she sent them.
He chose to go to the hotel with her, which anyone with any sense can see is very unwise choice.
He chose to have sex with her.
He chose to lie to his wife.
He decided that he didn't want his wife to know so he tried to stop the other woman from telling her.
He only admitted it when he was caught out, I doubt he would have admitted it if not.
He chose the other woman over his marriage every step of the way.
He chose not to take responsibility for it and blame his mental health.
And hundreds of other little choices he made along the way where he was not putting his wife first.

If he valued his marriage he wouldn't have made these choices. He has shown by his actions what he thinks of his wife.

OP, it must seem impossible at the moment that you could manage on your own but that's just because it's such a big change. Think of the alternatives that PPs have outlined. Living with somebody that you can't trust in the knowledge that he thought so little of you that he would do this to you. That's no kind of life. I hope you have some support in real life and I'm sure we all wish you well

I agree. And telling the wife for badness is pretty shitty too.

Agree. It infuriates me that she’s saying “you deserved to know” as if she’s one of the good guys. Some people!

Decide what you want short term and long term when you are over the worst of the shock

Establish the facts if you can. Is it an affair or was it a stupid mistake ? has he been genuinely remorseful ? Do you still want him in your life.

You are hurt and angry at the moment, and permanent decisions need to be thought through, and financial impact assessed when you are calmer

See a lawyer to find out what likely to happen on Divorce if that's what you ( or he) wants to do. Make an informed choice.. You have options. He is the one in the wrong here but that counts for nothing in modern no fault divorce proceedings .

I think this is the worst part for anyone that has been cheated on in this way, the cheater chose to cheat in so many different ways on so many different occasions. Yet its the physical act that they think is the only one that they need to apologise for.

His boundary was sex, whereas his wife's was 10 steps before that.

If you let him stay it could eat away at you (it has happened to me). The only way is to have couples counselling for a good while as you decide what's going to happen. It is totally your decision to make.

Well said, so many times I've read on MN that the OW isn't really at fault it's her husbands, which is true but only to a certain point, OW have a duty too, the minute you know a bloke is married you run a fucking mile, not shag them...

Your old life is over OP
Do you want your new life to have a lie aa its foundations? Walk away and have a life that will be different but worth having.
Sending strength Xx

So sorry this has happened OP.

How long ago did this happen? Did he use a condom ? Some Std's can take a while to show up in testing.
You need to get yourself tested even if he says he is clean.

He isn't even showing proper remorse for this. Blaming her flirting with him and claiming it was his 'depression' that caused him to stay at a hotel with another woman. Do not keep this a secret. Tell your family, you need support.

Re the STI test. If it's the postal service, you don't get a text saying you're clear; you get a text saying your results are in. You need to log in to your account and and pick up the results on line. They remain available on line for ever, so he can show you if you want to see.

If he actually went to the clinic then he can phone up and they'll give him the results again on the phone. You can listen in on speaker phone. Or they will have emailed him

Even if you both want to stay together and make things work, it isn't easy. No matter how willing you are, you need to trust him. It just won't work if you don't. So in the future, imagine he's out for a work do and is late back, or on a work trip away. You need to be able to sit at home unconcerned, with no anxieties bouncing around inside your head, with complete confidence that he's a good man and nothing will turn his head. That's not a thing you can force yourself to do. Trust has to be re-established or else mistrust and insecurity will eat you alive, and that's no way to live

Good luck OP

Oh, and the OW carries her own blame here. She doesn't share his responsibility, she has her own. She has spent ages flirting, sending nudes, teasing him (as has he) only, the second she's shagged him, she's overcome by female solidarity with you. Where was that solidarity while she was taking pictures of her genitals to send to him? May be he dumped her and she was devastated and acting out of spite. Or maybe she expected him to dump you and was not willing to be his bit on the side. Either way, she is very unpleasant - even if she has no obligation to you in the way that he does

She sounds like a stupid immature little girl and he sounds like a very weak man. It's so sad he's ruined your marriage for a quick boost to his ego but she has barely left college. At that age you're not mature enough to understand the impact and things like this are just stupid romantic ideas. How pathetic of her to suggest she was acting woman to woman when she hasn't even left home yet.
I don't know how you'll begin to trust him again. I think you need time to digest this. I didn't forgive my ex but I know people can and do. Give yourself credit..you could do this alone. Don't make that the reason you stay.

Ok so it’s an Affair, messaging, flirting, nudes, and you know he went back to her hotel room precisely for sex. That wa always the plan. And he was not going to tell you and was hoping she wouldn’t. She clearly feels led on and he’s telling her something very different to what he’s telling you, he’s only told you this much as she’s going to.

i can’t beleive he blamed his depression for having an affair with a 21 year old. As it made him feel something. Yeah we all know exactly whay he was feeling.

"Clearly your marriage, as far as your husband is concern is less than rosy. When he says 'there's been distance between you' is that a way of saying that he's not getting enough sex? You have a young child, both work, life can be mundane, and time for each other is taken away. Often men, especially those used to having their wife's undivided attention, suddenly discover they're no longer the centre of her universe, when a baby comes along. It's then they stray."

This responding post is ridiculous. If your DH "strays" because he isn't getting enough attention, then he is a giant child and LTB.

How are you doing, OP, have you managed to eat anything?

You're going to be in shock for a while. Don't forget to take care of yourself physically. You don't have to make any decisions yet.

Oh come on, it takes two.

OP, I'm really glad you said that to her.

Back from the nursery run now. Trying to be normal for DD but my heart’s just not in it. I feel terrible for her.

I got some more out of him earlier. It turns out that the week of the party he went to her house and there was ‘touching’. He’s also confirmed that the nudes were on both sides.

Oh and the STI test was a lie too. He said that he panicked when I asked about it and that he’s now ordered an at home one. So he’s put me at risk. Though he claims that she’s been tested before and is fine.

His friend now knows and has given him what for as well. So he’s likely to lose friends over this.

As for the OW she is apparently angry as she called him and he wouldn’t speak to her. He has told her that he needs to sort out things with his family and she has asked where she fits in 😂 clearly wanted him for herself.

It’s just getting progressively worse the more I hear from him. I do believe that there hasn’t been any other OWs though. I think this is the only one.

You don’t know what he told her snd the fact she insisted he tell his wife or she would signals strongly he was in there giving it my marriage is over. She’s 21.

so yeah I agree with the poster, he destroyed it; not her.

Jesus fucking Christ.

She went after a married man and then bragged to his wife claiming that she was telling her because she deserved to know and then has the audacity to chase after him again.
So yes she intentionally destroyed the marriage so she could get her man

i think they deserve each other