I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

He’s told a lot of lies. You only know about this as OW told you. He could have cheated before and you wouldn’t know as he’s shown he wouldn’t admit it without his hand being forced. You will never fully trust him again. You’ll always wonder who he is with, why is he late, why dies he take his phone everywhere. He’s stolen your peace and security. Don’t let him steal your time. He’s made a mistake but with every update he’s made another one, told another lie, tried to save himself. You and your DD deserve better.

Have you got rid yet?

Yep absolutely this...

Yeh he says it doesn't need robe over, only because he's been caught. Any feelings you have for her should also be directed at him, 20 fold. Neither are innocent because she obviously knew he was married, then after sleeping with him felt the need to inform you... She's what I'd call a marriage wrecker and I bet she's done it before.

But he's the married one who has completely betrayed you and the marriage (and your kid) and clearly had no intention of telling you, that would make me suspicious of him doing it before either with her or someone else. He's simply making excuses for why, he did it because at the time he wanted to.

As someone who has been in your position and tried to forgive him and carry on, if I had my time again I'd have kicked him out then. He did it again, twice that I know of and I'm sure there were more, he also got one of the pregnant. He basically humiliated me publicly (we lived in a small place where everyone knew everyone) and I sat back and allowed it. There was always an underlying knowledge of what he'd done and I never ever got passed it, we'd be having sex or just cuddling and she'd pop into my head and kill the mood, I never got over the betrayal.

I eventually ended the relationship about 6 years after it happened the first time (we were together 20 years and had 2 kids but never married) because I couldn't get over what he'd done.

I agree. And she KNEW he had a toddler at home! Not even the idea of shattering an innocent little kiddie's life stopped that mangy so-and-so from dropping her knickers! I think it would be HILARIOUS if OP told her parents. As for her schtick about OP deserving to know, what a load of bollocks! She spreads her legs and has UNPROTECTED SEX with OP's husband, after months of flirting, but NOW she's suddenly part of the sisterhood! Vile woman deserves to be drummed out of the village. 🤬

I am so sorry reading this … I have been where you are but OW was my best friend. Still remember how relieved I felt when I booted him out and locked the front door. You can do this … you deserve better

She's very stupid if she outed him to his wife to get him to run off with her. That'll get her booted faster than anything.

@MyHeartisinTwo The other woman is a piece of work. She clearly wants him to herself and he fell for it - be warned, she may be a problem if she was prepared to contact you after (supposedly) one shag

Keep telling your friends and family it is not your responsibility to keep his dirty little secret.

and he is lying, he lied about the std test.

there may yet be more to find out...

You have 2 questions to ask yourself

1. Do you / will you forgive him
2. Will you ever forget

He sounds like a serial lier.

He didn’t come clean to you OP. He probably would never have admitted it if the OW didn’t contact you.

He didn’t tell you the full truth when you confronted him. He lied about the STI test.

He’s a vile piece of shit and you deserve better. As I don’t think there is any coming back from this. You will never trust him again. The OW sounds very immature and obsessed. If they continue to work together their affair will carry on. Guaranteed.

I really really second somebody's point that you need to ask him to leave....not because that's the end result but because he needs to FEEL this. He needs to know how horrible it is, how awful his life would be without you guys.

My good friend caught her bf at the time texting another woman. He never physically cheated. He was asked to leave. He moved into a shitty flat, and spent months grovelling, calling, sending flowers, literally on his knees. My friend went on other dates during this time. She missed the BF a ridiculous amount and was heartbroken but she respected herself enough to know she could give him a free pass and he needed to choose her and show her he chose her, not because it was easy but despite it being hard.

It worked. She eventually let him back in, they've since married and have two kids.

I always respected her for this, wondering whether I'd have the strength to do the same given those circumstances.

I agree that he needs to really feel some consequences otherwise the tolerance bar is lowered as to what he can get away with.

He doesn't have to be forever. But tell him you need to see and KNOW that he wants you. Not after a few weeks but after months of work.

Ive been there and got the T-Shirt, and my ex husband was the LAST person you would think who would do it.

Do not keep his shitty little secret tell your parents and tell your best friend and they will help you navigate this. And darling girl, you WILL be ok on your own.

I hope you have had chance to talk to your friend @MyHeartisinTwo you really need support right now as you are reeling and in shock. If you want him to leave for a few weeks so you can process all that has happened then he should respect your decision. This is not the time for him to try to gain sympathy for his MH or try justifying his behaviour. You have to concentrate on what’s right you and your child right now and having him around might feel worse.

@MyHeartisinTwo Why does he believe she is telling him the truth about an std test? He lied. Does he honestly believe she hasn’t. If so that’s incredible. Or is he lying?

And he presumably trusted her to keep their secret. She lied.

What a loser he is.

None of this is your fault. Just seeing the knots he ties himself in should show you he’s low quality and has poor traits.

FFS she set her sights on a married man. She works with him so she’d have known he was married and had kids. It doesn’t matter what he told her, he’s married and at 21 she’s learned a valuable lesson. She didn’t even want him - she told OP out of some misguided ‘girlfriend’ vibe. That’s just nasty.

So sorry OP. I knew he was lying about the STI check and it was confirmed for me when you said he deleted the text.

he says he will leave his job, has he looked for any others? Has he researched marriage counsellors, prices and childcare to show you? If not it's just empty desperate attempts to pacify you.

I will be going to my friend’s house tonight for a bit once DD is sorted. Then I’ll likely be going to stay in a hotel tomorrow night so I can have some time on my own to think. It’s looking like we’ll be separated but living under the same roof for now.

I’ve told him that I don’t want him in my bed or near me. I’ve pointed out that he’s basically lost everything and asked whether it was worth it. He says it wasn’t. Bit late now. I can’t even look at him.

I’ve barely eaten anything. I don’t want to.

Dont take your foot off his neck, OP, even if you end up forgiving him (which I hope you don't).

I’m is sorry op. This would be the end for me, it’s just lie after lie. I grew up and the daughter of a man who cheated time and time again. Personally I really wish my mother had left him the first time.
cup a soup or milkshakes are maybe worth a try if you can’t stomach anythin heavier.

As for the OW she is apparently angry as she called him and he wouldn’t speak to her. He has told her that he needs to sort out things with his family and she has asked where she fits in 😂 clearly wanted him for herself.

Ahhh, where are all the ‘girls girl’ posters now eh?

She’s proven she has a very sly character. Messaging you with the “woman to woman” nonsense while running after your husband afterwards (mind you given your husbands track record I’d want to see how this conversation went in writing on his phone)

If she carries conducting herself in a two faced manner and interfering in other people’s livelihoods throughout life OP she’ll eventually encounter the wrong person, and get a slap in the mouth. Or worse. Don’t stress karma will come for her one day.

My BIL always blames his depression or mental health issues for being a cheating, lying twat. He's on his 3rd wife and 5th affair partner atm.

What happens next is up to you not him, take your time to work out how you want to move forward, and then tell him what you have decided

He should be the one going to the hotel not you. Be careful not to put yourself in a position where you have no where to go back to. If you have a joint bank account or joint assets put controls in place so you retain access and neither of you can drain the account at the expense of the other.

I’m so sorry for you, you must be so shocked x

Okay, stealing myself to be shot down in flames. I was him once and I regret it to this day when I think about it. That was about 25 years ago. We worked thought it and have just celebrated 42 years together. Do not think it is end of the road. Contemporary society will urge you to be a "strong woman" snd to dump him etc... think hard about it before you act but don't listen to bitter voices here. You can salvage this....if you want...