I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

Reading through all of your updates for context and honestly, this would be it for me. Marriage over.

I wouldn't even forgive a drunken kiss, but this is way way beyond that. There was a build up, there is history. This wasn't some random drunken "mistake". He had plenty of opportunity to nip it in the bud. He could have told you himself rather than going to the effort of blocking her on your social media.

Eugh just seen the age gap!! Made me feel sick. This would be an absolute fucking no from me. He can use his mental health as an excuse all he wants. But the truth was, he was flattered that a young woman was interested and he went for it. There is no way that hotel wasn’t prearranged for them. And how convenient that the messages are deleted.

I would get yourself checked out just incase.

I am so so sorry.

It is up to you, but I'd get counselling. Yes, people do make it work, particularly when there's kids involved, but he has to put in a lot of work, and recognise that some things will have to change, and it must be on your terms. So things like nights out/working later can't be on trust anymore, and he needs to do whatever makes you comfortable. If he says it feels like he's not trusted if he's not going out alone/has to Facetime you, well yes, and that's his fault. He can't behave like this and expect everything to go back to how it was.

Are you seriously posting on OP's thread saying you feel for the 21 year old?

Like she's the real victim in this?

Fuck her.

Strongly agree with this. She knew he was married and went for it anyway. Coming out with "woman to woman" now is taking the absolute piss and coming from a place of malice rather than empathy

Did you even make a point? The one you tried to make was inherently contradictory. To me it seemed you were either having a bad day that made you lose the plot a little. (Seems not). Or you enjoy the freedom the internet gives you to be vicious to strangers. (More likely).

Either of the above coupled with an inability to grasp nuance.

Because it is nuanced. Her age isn’t a complete irrelevance.

If she had been 32, it’s unlikely her age would have been mentioned at all.

And yet there is something about 21 that makes some posters recoil, another to say it gives them the ick etc.

I happen to wonder why that is…? You seem to think it’s black and white and simple. I think it’s nuanced, and I think that nuance has a bearing on this man’s moral character that goes beyond the affair and indicates a weakness that it’ll probably happen again given opportunity. The affair is definitely shit enough. But a 21 year old, his junior at work ….Oh man. That’s grim.

Nah, both her husband AND the other woman have destroyed their lives. The OW was well aware he was married with a child, she absolutely takes a share of the blame and should be held accountable for her crappy actions.

It’s all such a cliche isn’t it, it’s never some bloke at work they lean on for support and to chat to…
She’s 21 and although owes you no loyalty let’s hope she improves with age, knowingly having sex with a married man with a young child is pretty awful however she hasn’t destroyed your life, your DH has.
Regardless of his mental health struggles he chose to send nude pictures, flirt and then go on to have sex with someone other than you.
Playing the mental health card now is shameful, my brother suffers with his mental health he doesn’t go around shagging 21 year olds.
No one can tell you want to do, breathe and let the dust settled and see how you feel.
For me I’m not sure I’d want to stay, trust for me once broken is not easily earned back and the fact he’s not taking proper responsibility for what he has done makes it worse.
Sending you a big hug

I doesn’t have to be over. It can perhaps be worked through ,people make mistakes sometimes but it’s your decision if you want to give him another chance .

You know in your heart OP that this wasnt a split second decision that he got wrong, he flirted with the idea and the woman for months, saw his opportunity and took it. Turns out it the juice was not worth the squeeze and now he wants you to stay.

Only you can decide what is right for your family but dont let his protests fool you, he knew what he was doing and he chose to do it anyway. Only you know if you can forgive that.

No. It's nothing to do with being "incapable" of separating anything. You're missing the point. (And you can piss off with the other silly comment, thanks; it's not about you). As I've said, he takes most of the blame. Instructing the OP "NO, no" and that she shouldnt be at all angry with the Ow, which you did, really doesn't help her much either, btw so pl don't lecture me or anyone else. She's allowed to feel how she feels. It's a horrible situation she's been placed in by the wanker of a husband and very early days. Many of us have been in similar situations.

OP, I would def take the advice of those suggesting talking to a solicitor on the quiet. The one thing not to keep quiet about is what he has done. Not your secret and you'll need the support from whoever you choose to tell. Am outraged on your behalf that he actually thinks he gets to dictate what you do now when it's his choices that have blown up your lives.

I am so very sorry however this is not your fault. The facts are he knows he is married, he has a hard working wife and you birthed him a child. He left you alone with his child to attend an event then went off with someone who is not you. This is not a mental health thing and neither is it your doing it is his.
Write yourself a mini journal as if you are writing to a dear friend stating all your thoughts and feelings. Take a deep breath.
Book an appointment for some of those tests that are only really necessary at the start of a monogamous relationship. (STI).
Your world with this person as trusting and honest ended with his infidelity.
You have all the capabilities in the world to raise a child alone.
Be kind to yourself. He cannot undo what he has done to your relationship.
Perhaps you might consider a different relationship with him as the other parent.

@MyHeartisinTwo doesn't it make you want to say that you don't feel so bad now about sleeping with his brother, best mate, boss, father, etc. just to see how he likes it? I'm depressed, it's my mental health - that is pathetic!

And another point - he was never going to tell you. He went on your phone and made sure she couldn't tell you.

If the OW hadnt come to you, you would never have known. Have there been others? Thats the bit i couldnt forgive

Yes, agreed. There was a pre-planned 'accidental' hotel stay.. grim.

Yes. Unfortunately you have to be ready for the possibility, as many have, that there is more he's been hiding. Going into your phone to hide her messages seems pretty calculated to me.

I think is what gets to me most.

He didnt just do the old "She has a crush on me and made it up because I knocked her back" story that most of them try. And given her ringing him at all hours, it would possibly be plausible.

He went over and above to make sure that OW couldnt contact @MyHeartisinTwo in any way. I would be checking my blocked numbers in whatsapp and contacts too, because I wouldnt be surprised if he has added OW's number in order to block it.

Thats what leads me to think that there is a hell of a lot more to this than a ONS, what else is he scared of her finding out? Cos as sure as the sun comes up in the morning, there will be more.

I think you're doing fine in terms of dealing with this body blow. The OW is being ridiculous and I wouldn't trust either of them that it's over, either. Having him move out while you process this is a good decision as is thinking that you are separating for the present because of it. However, as you have said that he's amenable to couples counselling, I'd take him up on that before making your final decision about how to proceed. It's good you've got some real-life support as well.

She's outed him to his wife; if it wasn't over before, it definitely is now. Some women think doing this will make the man run off with them into the sunset. Don't ask me why.

She totally misses the whole "Hey Girl" point.

Its for when you find out that the man you are seeing is married or when you find out that a married man is sleeping around, so you let his wife know in order for her to be in full possession of the facts. Not say "Hey girl I fucked your husband because I wanted to, now he doesnt want me any more so I am telling you because I want to get my own back on him".

@ThatCyanCat "God, cheating men must be fucking laughing when women start diluting blame and telling them they're not 100% responsible for their own commitments."
Literally nobody has diluted any blame though, have they? Everyone who has commented specifically on the OP saying she'd told OW she'd ruined hers and her DD's life have pretty much said that there is a special pot of blame that belongs to OW alone on account of having done a really unkind thing, quite separate from the blame that lies at OP's husband's feet, which is in no way diluted. It's like saying that if I also blame the bloke who handles stolen goods, it means I'm somehow less mad at the guy who swiped my phone.
Agency all the way. Cognisance = responsibility. I've yet to meet a RL OW / OM / AP who's held their hands up and said: "I don't know why you're looking at me -I've done nothing wrong!" They knoooooow it is bad.

Sad thing is that it often does. Because if his wife wont have him back and the only other option is being single (oh the horror) then OW is better than nothing. Ime those are the affair relationships that dont last long.

Literally nobody has diluted any blame though, have they?

Literally everyone who says a man's personal promise is on womankind, or indeed anyone else, to keep has diluted the blame. Everyone who says she's equally responsible has made marriage absolutely worthless, because it doesn't mean a thing if it doesn't make you more responsible than some random stranger.

Do you hold other men responsible for you staying faithful yourself? I doubt it.

But I know the tidal wave I'm against here and it's Friday, I only have so much energy. I'm right, though.

I promise you, you would cope

I've yet to meet a RL OW / OM / AP who's held their hands up and said: "I don't know why you're looking at me -I've done nothing wrong!" They knoooooow it is bad.

I have and I was gobsmacked. Its someone who used to be a colleague. She met her (now) DH when he was married to his first wife. They had an affair until he left his wife to be with colleague. She said that it was years ago so doesnt understand why his ex still hates her (I know....) , and that she did nothing wrong as she was single, he was the one that cheated. I asked if she was worried about him doing the same to her and she said no. I happen to know that he has.