I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

My god, I was a child at 21. I have no idea how I survived without being murdered or something because I was so naive and stupidly reckless.

Just because you were naive and thick as sh*t at 21 doesn’t mean the vast majority of us are/were. I’d lived in 4 countries independently by that age then enrolled in a university here away from my home country.

You’re the (stupid) exception, not the rule. You cannot base your argument on a small minority.

I’m so sorry, you must be feeling like your whole world has blown up. I hope you’re getting support from Fri and family.
But he’s a liar. Still lying. That room was most likely booked with the intention of them meeting up. He didn’t “just carry her presents”. And I’m sure it wasn’t just her launching herself at him (poor feeble bloke!). They’d been sending flirty messages and photos, they had been building up to this for a long time. And he’s going into your phone trying to stop you finding out! Then giving you a smaller version of events before adding more and more. You can’t trust him. How can anything be rebuilt?? While I don’t have any respect for a woman that knowingly sleeps with someone’s husband, she’s being more honest than him.
Tell him to move out while you think about what you want to do. And tell whoever you want to discuss it with.

Except you ARE trying to absolve her and policing OP's and others' language and feelings at the same time aren't you. as if you are somehow morally superior. She isn't at all irrelevant. There is a world of difference between a woman who didn't know the bloke she was shagging was married and one who did (I'd absolve the first, not the second, as would most of us). So don't be ridiculous please.

We KNOW of course he the main one responsible and who most of the ire should be directed against because he is the married father, he is the one who took the vows,and he is the OP's husband who she has to decide about. but this girl is 21 and as far as we're aware shagging this bloke fully knowing the situation, she is not a child. I knew the difference between right and wrong and wouldn't be shagging married or partnered men at that age, as do most of us. That does not absolve him of the main responsibility, and I certainly wouldn't lay most of the blame with her, but ffs stop policing how other people are suppose to feel about her. What she's done is pretty scummy in itself. I don't respect women who do that either. OP is perfectly entitled to feel angry at her as well as him. It's not "instead of".

Yep. And you can bet your bippy that next time the reason for cheating may vary a bit, but it will still be down to something OP has done. I simply couldn’t get past him telling OP that he hadn’t ‘felt anything’ for a long time because of his mental health. Poor lamb. Such bullshit.

I have wasted 35 years.

'Woman to woman'.

She wasn't so concerned about another woman when busy hopping into bed with a married man. All the hogwash about it not being her fault. It takes two to have consensual sex, no one forced her into bed with him. He may be the one who broke his marriage vows but it absolutely does not absolve her of her responsibility for it happening. She had plenty of opportunities to think 'woman to woman' before it happened.

Why is it that men who cheat suddenly develop “depression” as an explanation? Plenty of depressed people manage not to have an affair. Don’t let him use that card as an excuse because it isn’t.

That suggests the breakdown of the relationship is down to the faithful spouse not being sufficiently mentally robust to see past the nudes and shagging.

It wasn’t one mistake, it was months of flirting and emotional investment in someone other than his wife.

The only person that’s been casual about their relationship is him.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. I know you are angry at the OW but I do think he has to get some of the blame. I don't think he would've told you if she hadn't and he might have kept it going.

Sadly your update shows it was not a spur of the moment 'accident' caught up in it all and a bit drunk. He knew what she was offering. He kept it going he went to her house he deliberately went to the hotel . He knew what he ws doing every step of the way and it all looks pre-planned. I am sorry. Please don't take him back.

I really don’t understand the MN mantra that the other women should never be seen in a negative light. Yes it’s her husband who has broken his family apart. But if you are a women who knowingly gets involved with a married man then you are still really a nasty c*nt and absolutely deserve to be called out on it.

Yep. Agree with this. He knew what their behaviour was leading to and if he didn’t stop it the only conclusion you can come to is that he wanted it. His mental health difficulties and the fact that he blames OP for them in some way didn’t force him to put his dick into another woman - that bullshit is just an attempt to gaslight OP into taking responsibility for choices he made.

This. And I’m having difficulty in understanding why she was so keen to tell OP, given that she doesn’t care about him and doesn’t want him. It seems malicious.

It’s not all on him. The biggest part is on him-whatever the excuses about mental health but he did this to make himself feel good; however, the OW also has agency here. She chose to engage with a married man with a small child. She knew what the outcome of this would be and also made the choice to blow things up.

If your husband is only faithful for want of opportunity you really haven't got a peach of a man there. You can lay all the blame you like on the woman but she's not in your marriage so there's nothing she can do to fix it and really no purpose to the blame - unless, of course, you want to make it more palatable to stay with him and so you have to deflect what he's done, which is what I think it often is. But the problem is still from within; the call is coming from inside the house.

God, cheating men must be fucking laughing when women start diluting blame and telling them they're not 100% responsible for their own commitments. If marrying someone and having a family doesn’t make you more responsible than a random stranger and isn't totally on you, then marriage is meaningless. I promise to commit to you until someone makes it easy not to...

That’s quite a reply. I hope it improved your day.

Didn’t improve it as such but it clearly got my point across.

They may have allegedly only had sex once, but I wouldn’t call an ongoing back and forth with nudes and flirting a ONS at all.

She just got bored of waiting and decided to drop a bomb on OP’s reality.

Mumsnet logic? It’s basic self respect mate.

Oh OP I’m so sorry. I went through something sort of similar but I stayed because we were going through IVF, I was mid 30s and figured I would never have a baby otherwise. We ended up separating when DD was 10 weeks old because he couldn’t keep his word.

Theres no right answer, I can’t extrapolate what happened to me and say that will be the same for you. In my case I think because I forgave ex H and wanted to move on, he was contrite at first and well behaved but in time he went back to his old ways, out at all hours and refused to discuss it or have therapy. He told me it would get better when DD was born (it wasn’t) and looking back I feel like that my initial forgiveness gave him the confidence to treat me like shit.

I can’t say that’s what your DH would do, they are not the same person and this may be a horrific black mark on an otherwise spotless record of a genuinely good man. I can’t tell you if that’s the case. What I do know is there were numerous times for him to stop. The texting. The nudes. The flirting. The emotional intimacy. Staying out late with her. Escorting her to her room. Kissing her. And the rest. There were many, many opportunities for him to stop and he didn’t.

Also, if the shoe were on the other foot would he forgive you? How would he react? Would he be understanding to the same reasoning he is giving you? I never encourage anyone to leave a marriage, it’s a deeply personal decision and everyone’s path is different. Being a single mum is tough but it also amazing. I sleep in my bed every night without fear or paranoia, without feeling trapped or dismissed or neglected. I was also the main bread winner and I can support my daughter very well which I am immensely proud of not. And, not that it matters, I have a partner who is a very happy with. We see each several times a week, we are in each others lives and we are committed but I do not need to live with a man or have his kids or be his wife. I can be the fun girlfriend again and have the fun boyfriend. And that’s all I ever want now.

Everyone’s story is different and my single mum is very positive compared to many. But I wish I could had told myself that the shame and stigma of being a single mum was mostly in my head and that leaving that marriage would be the best thing I could do.

I have no idea if this will help but I just wanted to offer you the perspective of someone who has been there and made one of the choices available to you.

This is a very young, immature, silly woman probably being egged on by her friends.
your ex did sext her, did have sex with her. I personally would want to know.
i suggest we stop blaming her and direct the focus to the ex.
when I was breaking up with my exh, I had an emotional affair but I never crossed the line, never sent nudes. I broke up with my ex shortly after. I was suffering with significant pp mental health issues at the time.
i don’t think his excuses are excuses tbh

This! All of this.

Do what feels natural to you

No one said OP isn't entitled to feel angry at the 21yr old. Of course she is..

You're making leaps and bounds in assumptions suggesting I or anyone said she isn't.

And I'm sorry that what you've written here
'Except you ARE trying to absolve her and policing OP's and others' language and feelings at the same time aren't you. as if you are somehow morally superior.'
.. is the biggest pile of incoherent crap I've seen in a while.

It seems that some people are incapable of separating issues. But anyway, none of this helps you OP I'm sorry.

The excuses would annoy me. There is no excuse for treating you, your marriage and your family with such a lack of respect. The excuses need to stop because they mean nothing. He needs to give you space and think about what he’s prepared to change in his life to prevent this situation happening again because all of those excuses are normal parts of marriage and he can’t just stick his dick in someone else everytime life gets hard. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. X