Page 16 | I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

MyHeartisinTwo · 2026-10-01T20:09:50+00:00

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her. He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me. When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch. I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

cabus · 02/10/2026 12:39

Ohcrap082024 · 02/10/2026 11:56

Hold on… it was her 21st birthday party. She just happened to have a hotel booked. He just happened to help her back to the hotel room with her presents. On his own. He just happened to go into the room rather than leave the presents at the door.

It smacks of pre planning at least on some level. I think all the flirting had been building up to that night. He was loving having his ego stroked. They had sex after her 21st birthday party - that has meaning.

I think he then panicked and ended it. She realises that he has used her and threatens to tell you. She does tell you either out of malice or concern. He continues to lie to you about the events and the std check.

Dump him.

This post rings true, it wasn't a silly moment, it was planned.

Be glad she told you OP, because he wouldn't have. He's a cheat and a liar.

gratefulmezze · 02/10/2026 12:39

OP, don't be that poster on here in 10 years time saying...'for 10 years I've been struggling with my DH's cheating, my oldest is 13 years old, I've wasted a decade and my self esteem is shot repeatedly forgiving him'
also....hiding behind his MH issues is not acceptable and no excuse.
he is a cheater and a liar you still have time left to start over please leave him.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/10/2026 12:42

I think it's the age old story of a middle aged man being flattered and having the ego boost of a pretty young woman flirting

Early 30s is middle aged now?? isn't that the age the OP said they are?

OchreRaven · 02/10/2026 12:44

its2346 · 02/10/2026 12:34

I’m not tone policing or minimising the OP’s pain. But it’s a fact he did this. He had a choice. He made that choice. No one forced him. It’s on him, and on him to do the right thing by his marriage, wife and family.

At 21 the pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed and that impacts on emotional regulation, impulse control, and weighing up consequences. Those consequences include what happens to your life and job if you are dazzled by a married man who is leading you on, or consequences if you tell his wife. She can vote, go to war and mimic being an adult with all the bravado - but she’s STILL got a 21yr old immature brain.

I hope she’s not pregnant.

My god, I was a child at 21. I have no idea how I survived without being murdered or something because I was so naive and stupidly reckless.

If a married older man seduced my DD at 21, I’d kill him with my bare hands and I’d definitely contact his bosses at work. How dare he. The prick. The OP has a DD. I’m sure she can imagine the rage and worry.

Her age matters. Her age makes his actions even more despicable and her reactions to them not very surprising at all. When she’s older, the magnitude of what has happened will hit hard and she’ll probably need therapy. He did that to her too.

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I had a friend who at 20 years old, after breaking up with her boyfriend and was feeling vulnerable and wanted a fling. Met an older man (not at work but in a place he had a duty of trust).

She didn’t know he was married initially but suspected as things didn’t add up. She decided not to pry but realistically deep down knew she was sleeping with a married man. To her it was a bit of fun and she did not know the true reality of his situation. It all came out though when she gave him a STI and he had to tell his wife so she could get tested. Turned out he had a young baby at home. She felt bad about it but at the time it was just a ‘crazy story’ and was a bit of drama.

I’m pretty sure now she’s married with kids she understands what a huge betrayal she participated in and would look at it differently.

timetochangethering · 02/10/2026 12:44

its2346 · 02/10/2026 11:23

She hasn’t destroyed you though. He has.

She's only told you to split your marriage up as she wants him for herself.

malefields · 02/10/2026 12:48

MyHeartisinTwo · 02/10/2026 11:21

His MH issue was/is depression. He’s suffered from bouts of it in the past but this most recent one started after a family member passed away last year and has lasted for a while. I’ve tried to support him but it’s been hard, especially whilst looking after DD and working. I will say that he is a very hands on father who does do his fair share with DD.

He’d been having therapy and I thought that things were starting to get better.

I actually told the OW last night that she was welcome to him. She claims that she doesn’t care about him and that she told me because if she was me she would want to know. She was telling me woman to woman apparently. I told her that she’s destroyed me and my little girl’s life.

I have told a friend IRL now so I have that support at least.

lol she’s full of it, where was this “woman to woman” when she was flirting with your DH? She told you in the hopes you guys would break up.

They’ve both behaved like trash, just in different ways.

LoveItaly · 02/10/2026 12:49

Banoffeepie29 · 02/10/2026 12:02

He is more to blame, but she is absolutely in the wrong too. She knew he was married, so yes she played her part in hurting the OP. I had several married men who wanted me when i was thay age for a fling, I didn't accept because I knew that would be wrong. It's not hard.

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Totally agree. How can anyone claim to be a moral person if they think they have no share at all of the blame in situations like this.

Shadesofscarlett · 02/10/2026 12:51

i agree that a young girl has been played by an older bloke here. But i also think she knew damn well that what she was doing was wrong. There is no justification. He is a sleaze though. And to play the MH card is absolutely disgusting. He talked to her for ages, sent each other nudes, then booked and planned a hotel stay. Prob shagged her on a few occasions. Over a long period of time he gave himself permission to cheat. This was not MH. He did this cos he is an untrustworthy, entitled shit who is prob patting himself on the back for pulling a young, vulnerable girl. Hideous.

malefields · 02/10/2026 12:52

its2346 · 02/10/2026 12:34

I’m not tone policing or minimising the OP’s pain. But it’s a fact he did this. He had a choice. He made that choice. No one forced him. It’s on him, and on him to do the right thing by his marriage, wife and family.

At 21 the pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed and that impacts on emotional regulation, impulse control, and weighing up consequences. Those consequences include what happens to your life and job if you are dazzled by a married man who is leading you on, or consequences if you tell his wife. She can vote, go to war and mimic being an adult with all the bravado - but she’s STILL got a 21yr old immature brain.

I hope she’s not pregnant.

My god, I was a child at 21. I have no idea how I survived without being murdered or something because I was so naive and stupidly reckless.

If a married older man seduced my DD at 21, I’d kill him with my bare hands and I’d definitely contact his bosses at work. How dare he. The prick. The OP has a DD. I’m sure she can imagine the rage and worry.

Her age matters. Her age makes his actions even more despicable and her reactions to them not very surprising at all. When she’s older, the magnitude of what has happened will hit hard and she’ll probably need therapy. He did that to her too.

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A 21 year old is not a child, this is wildly infantilising. By 21 you know the basics of what constitutes bad behaviour, many, many people make it through their 20s without helping someone cheat on their partner.

LoveItaly · 02/10/2026 12:56

its2346 · 02/10/2026 12:34

I’m not tone policing or minimising the OP’s pain. But it’s a fact he did this. He had a choice. He made that choice. No one forced him. It’s on him, and on him to do the right thing by his marriage, wife and family.

At 21 the pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed and that impacts on emotional regulation, impulse control, and weighing up consequences. Those consequences include what happens to your life and job if you are dazzled by a married man who is leading you on, or consequences if you tell his wife. She can vote, go to war and mimic being an adult with all the bravado - but she’s STILL got a 21yr old immature brain.

I hope she’s not pregnant.

My god, I was a child at 21. I have no idea how I survived without being murdered or something because I was so naive and stupidly reckless.

If a married older man seduced my DD at 21, I’d kill him with my bare hands and I’d definitely contact his bosses at work. How dare he. The prick. The OP has a DD. I’m sure she can imagine the rage and worry.

Her age matters. Her age makes his actions even more despicable and her reactions to them not very surprising at all. When she’s older, the magnitude of what has happened will hit hard and she’ll probably need therapy. He did that to her too.

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At 21 years you are perfectly old enough to know sleeping with a married man is wrong. It’s not long ago that this was the normal age to marry and have children.
Maybe 21 year olds shouldn’t be able to vote then?

caringcarer · 02/10/2026 12:59

TheChosenTwo · 01/10/2026 21:24

Was going to basically say everything this poster has.
And as for how you’d cope as a single mum, you’d be a fucking brilliant one for teaching your daughter (in the long term) that women don’t put up with shitty behaviour from shitty men, what an amazing life lesson to see such a strong mum.
reach out to a friend/family member for support. The strength of women never ever ceases to amaze me, we really can do incredibly hard things.
sending you comfort and strength, I can only imagine how horrible it must feel having the rug pulled out from underneath you like his, shock then anger etc, all the emotions will come eventually.
You deserve better darling, so does your dd.
💐

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This is such good advice. Get a STI test. You really don't have to put up with his shitty behaviour towards you. This is not your fault. You have don't nothing wrong so do not allow him to try to twist the situation to j in any way. You can divorce and still co-parent your
DC. Talk to a trusted friend or your Mum. They will want the best for you and your DC. My
first h cheated on me and I had 3 DC 2 of them had special needs but I found the strength after talking to my friend and my sister to ask him to leave, resist all his begging to come back and to divorce him.
I've since remarried a lovely man who has helped me raise my DC. The thing is I knew after first h had cheated on me I could never trust him again and I wouldn't want sex with him again so what kind of marriage would that be with no trust and no sex?

RoseWineLover · 02/10/2026 13:04

I've been in your shoes. It's like a bomb has gone off under you!
My husband cheated. I forgave him, he lied and carried on. But deep down even if he hadn't carried on I would have divorced him. It's never the same and everything has now changed! The way you feel about him, the way you look at him and most importantly the trust has gone!! There is no marriage without trust.
I'm wishing you all the luck in the world.

its2346 · 02/10/2026 13:05

If there’s any part of you that finds a man in his early 30s pursuing a 21 year old slightly revolting, then that’s the part that might understand my point. Of course she’s an adult. She’s also 21. I doubt it was her extensive life and relationship experience that appealed to him.

ZenNudist · 02/10/2026 13:08

The mumsnet logic is that you ditch the father of your child and go for the damaging reality of a broken home over a ONS. Personally I'd give him a chance but make him suffer a bit first.

Daisymail · 02/10/2026 13:08

He's not saying the right things, he's saying what he thinks you want to hear. Don't forget, he's had time to prepare for this conversation whilst it was dropped on you without warning.

Laurmolonlabe · 02/10/2026 13:08

Poor MH is no excuse, and he knows it.
Many women would help him feel something by giving him a swift kick in the privates.
It is 100% certain he has not had an STI check if he has no proof.
I'm afraid it is ditch him asap.

Rachelshair · 02/10/2026 13:09

I'm glad you have some support IRL OP. Your H has no right to tell you to not tell anyone. He's lost the right to your support and yes he will regret that, tough shit. I don't believe his tale about suddenly deciding to help with the presents either, and oops she kissed him, well yes course she did because they had likely planned the whole thing.
As for what he is saying he will do, let him do it all, and then see if you want to give him another chance. If he's expecting you to check his phone all the time to keep him in line, that's not acceptable at all.
And why would the OW tell you, if she doesn't want him for herself. She sounds like a nasty piece of work, no way is she into the girl code, it's a bit late for that isn't it.
I'd leave the pair of them to it, it's quite possible she's not the first OW either, just the first troublemaking one who's contacted you.

ThreadGuardDog · 02/10/2026 13:11

LoveItaly · 02/10/2026 12:49

Totally agree. How can anyone claim to be a moral person if they think they have no share at all of the blame in situations like this.

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And given the circumstances we now know, about her booking a hotel room and him helping her take gifts back after the party it does seem as though she planned this. The bit I don’t understand is that if in fact she initiated it, why was she so determined to tell OP. It all sounds deliberate.

ThreadGuardDog · 02/10/2026 13:14

its2346 · 02/10/2026 12:34

I’m not tone policing or minimising the OP’s pain. But it’s a fact he did this. He had a choice. He made that choice. No one forced him. It’s on him, and on him to do the right thing by his marriage, wife and family.

At 21 the pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed and that impacts on emotional regulation, impulse control, and weighing up consequences. Those consequences include what happens to your life and job if you are dazzled by a married man who is leading you on, or consequences if you tell his wife. She can vote, go to war and mimic being an adult with all the bravado - but she’s STILL got a 21yr old immature brain.

I hope she’s not pregnant.

My god, I was a child at 21. I have no idea how I survived without being murdered or something because I was so naive and stupidly reckless.

If a married older man seduced my DD at 21, I’d kill him with my bare hands and I’d definitely contact his bosses at work. How dare he. The prick. The OP has a DD. I’m sure she can imagine the rage and worry.

Her age matters. Her age makes his actions even more despicable and her reactions to them not very surprising at all. When she’s older, the magnitude of what has happened will hit hard and she’ll probably need therapy. He did that to her too.

Show quote history

Absolute bullshit. At 21 you’re legally an adult. Under developed pre frontal cortex or not she knew exactly what she was doing when she slept with him and afterwards when she made sure his wife found out. The whole thing is just nasty - they’re both consenting adults and they’re both equally to blame.

LoveItaly · 02/10/2026 13:16

ThreadGuardDog · 02/10/2026 13:11

And given the circumstances we now know, about her booking a hotel room and him helping her take gifts back after the party it does seem as though she planned this. The bit I don’t understand is that if in fact she initiated it, why was she so determined to tell OP. It all sounds deliberate.

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I agree. She wants to break the marriage up, I suspect.

OP, I have no experience myself of your situation, but have read enough about affairs over the years to think you would be better off (in the long run) splitting up. If he’s doing this to you now, when you are still pretty young, I wouldn’t hold out much hope of fidelity in the future. Easier said than done though, so sorry for what he’s done.

Mrtumblestit · 02/10/2026 13:17

AquaSub · 02/10/2026 11:29

Nah I think she deserves to feel some of the guilt there. Anyone who flirts and the shags a married person isn’t a good person themselves.

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Absolutely this. She’s acting all I’m a ‘girls girl’ telling you ‘woman to woman’. if she was as decent as she’s making out, she wouldn’t have knowingly slept with another woman’s husband.

FairyMaclary · 02/10/2026 13:18

So he deleted the std text. No problem - under GDPR they have to give him his data - he can get it easily

Pedallleur · 02/10/2026 13:18

timetochangethering · 02/10/2026 12:44

She's only told you to split your marriage up as she wants him for herself.

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This. But he has gaslit the OP all along. Now it's MH not his cock that is the issue. If OP let's this go he will revert back. Might as well spare herself years of torment.

Rachelshair · 02/10/2026 13:25

ThreadGuardDog · 02/10/2026 13:14

Absolute bullshit. At 21 you’re legally an adult. Under developed pre frontal cortex or not she knew exactly what she was doing when she slept with him and afterwards when she made sure his wife found out. The whole thing is just nasty - they’re both consenting adults and they’re both equally to blame.

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Yeah 21 year olds are well aware what constitutes cheating. In fact 14 and 15 year olds would be aware. A 21 year old will probably already have had a few relationships. She's not vulnerable at all, the OP is a lot more vulnerable with a young child and having had her life blown up. Women are not hapless little lambs at 21

ThatCyanCat · 02/10/2026 13:29

EmpressStorm · 02/10/2026 12:36

I’m assuming you’ve never listened to him and that’s why you don’t understand, it’s the sort of language he uses. And it’s all over this site at the moment.

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You mean phrases like "balls deep"? He didn't make that up, that's old as the hills. Does he tell betrayed wives to leave?