I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

I understand that. Same here and I am sure the same for many of us. However that doesn't change the fact that only he is responsible for his actions; and he is the one married to OP and he is the father of OPs child. And he made the commitment to OP. And he was unfaithful.

@MyHeartisinTwoover a prolonged period of time he has hidden an intimate relationship with this woman, he’s repeatedly lied to you and gaslit you when you’ve raised concerns about their interactions based on the surface level information you had. He hasn’t admitted anything to you, he’s been caught because she confessed to you, he would have kept on hiding and kept on lying and kept on gaslighting. Given that you know that, you have evidence of that, how much can you really trust that you now know the full extent of what he’s done, with who and what he would do in the future? Can you live and sleep with a person who you can’t possibly trust?

I couldn’t. Even if the sexual relationship wasn’t important to me, the lying would be enough for me to know that I could never have faith in any of his actions or words ever again. That his own wants and desires are more important to him than upholding his commitments to me and our family.

Not irrelevant when she’s the one who’s informed OP of what’s happened and blown things up. Absolutely he’s most in the wrong but she’s not blameless, either for the affair or for deciding to message OP “woman to woman” after the fact.

Honestly, I have a toddler, finances are stretched, life is tough. If my DH had a one night stand, instantly regretted it and never did it again I’d probably rather live in blissful ignorance, tbf, than be blindsided, have to make a decision whether to stay in a marriage with someone who’s done this or leave knowing life will be even tougher for years, impact on my kid etc. Maybe not a popular opinion!

Don’t accept the mental health excuse - it isn’t an excuse.

I’m not sure why you went off on that tangent but the answer is, yes, if DH had an affair with a man then both DH and that man are wrong and guilty and should shoulder the blame.

Tell him to call the STD clinic in front of you, on speakerphone, to ask them to re-text his results.

I would be tempted to tell him in light of his behaviour you'll be looking for a casual fling but of course you'll look to stay married!

I honestly believe if women were more
cut throat and had this approach more men would think twice about shagging around.

Women tend to take the moral high ground and never consider this, and all too often cheating turns women into cowering victims who blame themselves, who question themselves and are ultimately left having the kids 6 days out of 7. There’s no real punishment.

For men a lot of they don’t put too much thought into cheating as they don’t have feelings for the other woman, they’re led primarily from their biological urges. I’ve heard many men say “but she didn’t mean anything to me” as a way of justification. They don’t understand the gut retching feelings it imposes on their wives, until it happens to them of course… It’s very degrading and emasculating for a man to have his wife cheat on him. I honestly think this hurts them more than the wives leaving them. If they had this threat hanging over them they would view cheating in the same way.

Is it morally the right thing to do? Maybe not, but hey it sure delivers a point.

@MyHeartisinTwo Funny how men's mental health is usually "helped" by shagging a 21 year old isn't it. Yet the same doesn't seem to apply to women. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I have too and that was after 26 years of marriage. And just for the record, there is no "type" that cheats. My DH was the least likely candidate on the planet. We tried to make it work afterwards, but it was a shattered vase that could never be whole again. Don't believe a word he says, please really don't. He'll read you the script. Get STI checked and make an appointment with a solicitor. Sending hugs, you will get through this.

We will differ on that then. She is so irrelevant to OPs life, OP married her DH. She had a child with him. And he has shattered their lives. It could have been with literally any other willing woman, but only He is the one who could run his families lives.

This is in reference to OP saying he’s been saying all the right things. I agree he’s saying what he thinks will get him out of it.

Correct answer 👏 getting so fed up of the ridiculous replies from people absolving the OW like she’s some kind of victim that hasn’t played a part in destroying a marriage. Fuuuuck offfff.

Wasn't a tangent, was trying to illustrate a point. But you still don't see it / don't agree. Fair enough!

Do you not have electronic medical records where his STI test results would be accessible?

You need to get your own STI testing ASAP because you can't trust him to tell you the truth about whether he used protection or had STI testing.

You need to see a lawyer to see where you stand in case of a divorce.

This sounds like they set it up for her birthday, not that it was a spur of the moment thing. He's been having an emotional affair with a 20 year old that has turned physical. He got validation from it.

I don't think he's really sorry, he's just sorry he's been found out.

He didn't tell you, the OW did.

He's giving you a lot of excuses instead of taking responsibility. Mental health, he could have been on top of that.

He doesn't want you to tell anyone so he's concerned how this looks to other people rather than you getting support. That's not remorse. He doesn't want consequences from banging his much younger coworker. Do not keep his dirty secret, you need as much support from friends and family right now as you can get.

You can't see that people aren't absolving her, she's not a good person. We're saying it doesn't matter. He is the issue. She could've been anyone. He was the Only one unfaithful to his wife.

I'm giving up now @ThatCyanCat , it's like talking to brick walls on here, so thanks for also seeing it (the bleeding obvious)!

Meanwhile OP I'm so sorry and I hope you come to a place that is best for you and your daughter xx

This!
This is exactly what my EXH did. Plus if you forgive him then you’re giving him the green light to do it again. He was so remorseful, he’d do anything to make it up to me etc. There was just over a year before I caught him messaging another woman and around 2 before his next affair. (That I know of anyway!) I stayed for 5 years but then one day I snapped and threw him out.

Don’t understand how he can imply it was her fault? The scarlet woman? Wow. He sounds like a lazy boring sod who doesn’t know what love is. If any actual problem happened in either of your lives I would only expect him to fuck up again. You can’t trust him if he’s still not being honest and admitting he just enjoyed the attention and thought he could get away with it. Really good luck for you and your daughter. I agree you should lean on anyone you trust and love. Who cares if he’s ashamed. He didn’t even tell you.

He wasn't sorry when you didn't know.

He wanted her when you didn't know.

He didn't do anything it took to save your marriage when you didn't know.

He didn't claim his MH was causing him to do things when you didn't know.

He didn't prioritise you or his DD when you didn't know.

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. This could have been written by me a few years ago.

The excuses I was given - his mental health, the distance, us arguing, me working full time and spending so much time on the kids.

The information was drip fed over weeks, as he found the guts to tell me what really happened. It was all her fault - she came on to him, he kept fighting her off blah blah blah (isn't that always the story?).

By the end of couples counselling, it was apparent to him that he was some sort of victim, who has no option but to seek solace in someone else's arms. He was crying, apologetic, distraught at his actions. But it didn't stop him doing it all again!

Yeah I think we do have to agree to disagree. As someone that has been hit on by married men many times (though funnily enough not since I turned 45!!), I’ve always thought, and often uttered, “but you’re married”. The disgust in my voice was usually enough to scare them away. Mostly though I thought to myself, “what, do I look like the kind of woman that would be happy enough to be someone’s bit on the side”.

whilst it is your husband that made views to you and she didn't, the OW has interfered with your marriage by firstly sleeping with him and then talking it upon herself and meddle again and tell you that she has done so

there was a motive for both course of actions from her

The OW is completely irrelevant. She has probably been told all sorts of shit. I’m not excusing the behaviour but she could have been anyone! I actually had a call from one of my EXH’s affair partners and he had fed her an absolute load of bollocks. She genuinely believed that he was desperately unhappy and trapped. Until I read her an apology letter he’d written to me about how badly he was treating me and how I was the love of his life dated only a few weeks before the affair started! The call ended with her saying that she’d had a lucky escape and that I deserved better!

I’m not tone policing or minimising the OP’s pain. But it’s a fact he did this. He had a choice. He made that choice. No one forced him. It’s on him, and on him to do the right thing by his marriage, wife and family.

At 21 the pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed and that impacts on emotional regulation, impulse control, and weighing up consequences. Those consequences include what happens to your life and job if you are dazzled by a married man who is leading you on, or consequences if you tell his wife. She can vote, go to war and mimic being an adult with all the bravado - but she’s STILL got a 21yr old immature brain.

I hope she’s not pregnant.

My god, I was a child at 21. I have no idea how I survived without being murdered or something because I was so naive and stupidly reckless.

If a married older man seduced my DD at 21, I’d kill him with my bare hands and I’d definitely contact his bosses at work. How dare he. The prick. The OP has a DD. I’m sure she can imagine the rage and worry.

Her age matters. Her age makes his actions even more despicable and her reactions to them not very surprising at all. When she’s older, the magnitude of what has happened will hit hard and she’ll probably need therapy. He did that to her too.

I’m assuming you’ve never listened to him and that’s why you don’t understand, it’s the sort of language he uses. And it’s all over this site at the moment.

I was thinking exactly the same as ThatCyanCat, so would be grateful for an explanation.