I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

Absolutely this

This, x 100000000 ^^

Doesn't matter though. The whole reason you pledge fidelity is because you know you could shag someone else if you chose to; there are literally billions of people in the world. He pledged to leave them all alone and he didn't. She didn't cheat, she can't if she's not attached. This is on him. He made the promise.

But I will say, OP... I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do. That's highly personal. But from what I've seen of life, bereavement does make people do some very weird and often out of character things, especially if there was mental illness in there beforehand. It's absolutely not an excuse and it doesn't make it OK and it doesn't mean you have to stay if you don't want to. This is on him to fix, if you should wish to let him try. It's just that from what I've seen, stupid and selfish behaviour (not limited to cheating) sparked by bereavement does seem to be a field on its own and I think it has a better chance of being fixed than someone who does this kind of thing because they're just inherently self serving even when things are fine. But again, this does not mean it's ok or obligate you to do anything.

I would be tempted to tell him in light of his behaviour you'll be looking for a casual fling but of course you'll look to stay married! Everything time you go out he'll be worried.

Twenty one year old indeed (blinking kid these days). He's over a decade older and she's no better. Neither had a care about you and your daughter. She'll be pregnant next if she doesn't get to break up your marriage.

It is entirely up to you if you forgive him. Only you can make that call but I wouldn't be silenced.
Fwiw my sister cheated on her first husband and we all knew because her son told everyone. Her selfishness ruined their lives.
I'd get him a T-shirt with cheating bastard on it!

Oh shut up. Sick of all of this girl’s girl nonsense. Yes of course he’s ultimately to blame OP knows this already you don’t need to remind her, but this OW played her part. Women aren’t exempt to criticism from other women in the name of feminism.

If Your DH ever cheats on you I hope there’s some smug self righteous person around to pull you up you on any slight hostility towards the other woman.

They have . They both knew the situation- he was married with a child , and each only thought about themselves. His betrayal is bigger but she is not innocent , and it’s no point her claiming to be a girls girl now and that’s why she is telling OP. Girls girls don’t start flirting with married men in the first place

Totally agree they both played a part .

I agree she should also shoulder some of the guilt - she's complicit.

He has been messaging & sharing nudes with a 20 year old. He deleted it all & his it from you. He blocked her on your phone to try & avoid you finding out. He booked a hotel room with her (don't believe his made up excuses) & shagged her on her 21st birthday. I suspect she naively thought he was really interested in her, his marriage was unhappy, he's depressed, blah, blah, bloody blah. He would probably have carried on sleeping with her if she hadn't insisted on telling you. He doesn't want anyone to know because he cares about what they all think of him. At no point has he cared about you, your feelings or your family unit. He sounds self centred and manipulative. I wouldn't believe a word he says. He's painting himself as a victim & is likely to get nasty in a divorce, so I would talk to a solicitor now without letting on, regardless of what you decide to do. Choose yourself & your daughter, you can do it on your own, he's been checked out already anyway.

Not sure how much he regrets being balls deep in a 21yo but ok. Such a poor excuse as well.

If you stay he’ll promise the world and then go right back to it because he knows you’ll stay.

And if it's a man (as it often is)? It's his fault too, that the DH (in such a case) is unfaithful and gay?

It's illogical I'm afraid. The DH made his promise and his commitment.

Everything he does is His responsibility and his alone.

I’m glad you’ve confided in a friend IRL because you are the one who really needs support and none of this is any fault of yours.
Your husband’s bouts of depression in the past and present which you have tried your best to support him plus he is seeing a therapist so it’s not like he’s been battling his MH alone. We all suffer grief when someone dies but that still doesn’t excuse him for cheating. He feels sorry for himself not you and making up excuses why he’s a cunt in the hope you will pity the fool.

Sometimes I read these crude statements and roll my eyes, every day it gets more and more andrew Tate on here,

I’ve been on MN a very long time and this is one of the best pieces of advice I have seen.

Get out now @MyHeartisinTwobefore he drags you down even further.

I had a flat mate in my early twenties who slept with senior married men at her work for a laugh. Was a power trip for her she found it funny when the wives rang up upset and angry. Sorry but some women deserve disapproval

I don't understand how that's an Andrew Tate comment? Surely that prick would be telling her she should not only stay but also blame herself for not being sexier and accept endless future affairs because that's who men are and she should know her place?

Yes. She’s not told OP out of the goodness of her heart, she’s done it because she’s hurt / pissed off / 21 and fucking stupid.

Even if you know you’d want him
back in the future. You have to throw him out. He has to know there are consequences to his actions. I personally wouldn’t take back a cheater again. I don’t want to say that people can’t change but I think if he can do this after you already have a child and are married , I don’t think he will change. He didn’t think about your child when he did this. This poor awareness of consequences is a massive red flag. However everyone here will tell you to end things for good. Nobody can know unless they are in a situation but he needs to feel that things are over for good. If you have any chance of reconciling he needs to earn your trust back.
saying sorry with his words means nothing. Let him prove with his actions over time but NOT whilst you are in the house giving him access to you. Sending you love I know this is heart breaking. I spent 10
years with my children’s father forgiving cheating , taking all the lies and promises. I finally left 2 years later in with an amazing man who worships the ground I walk on we’ve been together 2 years he’s a real partner and I would trust him with my life. Might not be what you want to think about right now but please don’t feel like you have to tolerate a man who cheats.

Hold on… it was her 21st birthday party. She just happened to have a hotel booked. He just happened to help her back to the hotel room with her presents. On his own. He just happened to go into the room rather than leave the presents at the door.

It smacks of pre planning at least on some level. I think all the flirting had been building up to that night. He was loving having his ego stroked. They had sex after her 21st birthday party - that has meaning.

I think he then panicked and ended it. She realises that he has used her and threatens to tell you. She does tell you either out of malice or concern. He continues to lie to you about the events and the std check.

Dump him.

Everything he does is His responsibility and his alone.

Are you deliberately trying to act obtuse and miss my point?

I literally said DH is ultimately to blame and the OP knows this already. But that doesn’t mean she’s exempt to any criticism from the OP since she reached out to communicate to the her. She can’t use the “woman to woman” now when it suits her, as she willingly slept with him knowing he was married.

People like you only see the world in black and white.

You don't have to cope as a single mum.MN always suggests you waltz off alone without acknowledging how hellish it is to have to work full time to earn enough money to fund a household while raising a child alone, negotiating with an ex for fair maintenance and access. That may end up being a choice that causes you more hardship and pain than staying.

If on balance you want to forgive him, that's an option. Not popular on here. But if it is more convenient for you to have his income, his presence as a parent in the same house, then do what works best for you. If, later on, you are more financially secure and decide you haven;t really forgiven him, you could leave at any time, Do what is genuinely, practically best for you and your child, not something which could jeopardise you out of a sense of moral outrage.

But use this as a wake up call. He says he has poor mentla health, you've been arguing etc. Pathetic excuses. Do not allow him to cast you in the role of only adult in the home, whose duty it is to keep him happy. He has to man up. Make sure he spends just as much time with DD as you do. Make sure you get just as much time off as he does - to socialise or go to the gym or just go off alone for coffee/haircut etc.

And if he is serious about wanting to stay together, he has to make an effort. Go on weekly dates, do fun things otgether, set up projects and plans together. Become a more secure unit that he values and puts effort into.

Why was he not ready to do everything to save his marriage before fucking her.
He’s saying your behaviour was part of the reason why he had to go to bed with someone else. He’ll say he had to do it again in X numbers of years/months because you didn’t fully forgive him this time. It’s all about him. I’m so sorry.

He is more to blame, but she is absolutely in the wrong too. She knew he was married, so yes she played her part in hurting the OP. I had several married men who wanted me when i was thay age for a fling, I didn't accept because I knew that would be wrong. It's not hard.

No I agree with you in a way, I just see what she (the 21yr old) does as irrelevant in this situation, that's all.