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Original poster

I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

727 replies

MyHeartisinTwo · 01/10/2026 21:09

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

OP posts:
DiscoCherries · 02/10/2026 10:48

Get rid OP. This wasn’t an off the cuff drunk decision they’ve been flirting and sending nudes, this was always going to happen. He knew exactly what was going to happen when he helped her carry a bloody present bag back to her hotel and in to her room. 21 is so young too. No wonder you’re disgusted.

Would you ever trust him again?

movienights2 · 02/10/2026 10:51

CrazyMidget · 02/10/2026 10:03

Oh, I would soooooo tell OW's parents, since she's young and living at home! Why should OW get away scot-free, after doing her best to shatter a three-year-old's childhood? If she was married, there are many reasons not to tell the other spouse (you can Google, I can't remember them right now) but parents are different! Literally rubbing my hands with glee at the thought of her parents being informed!

Years ago, I read an article about a woman whose husband cheated on her with an eighteen-year-old. The woman said she rang the girl's mother and told her. 🤣

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The OW isn’t married with a kid tho. She’s also only just turned 21, meaning she was 20 or possibly even 18/19 when this started. The man is the one who needs to be held accountable here. He’s clearly taken advantage of her naivety.

Whatalotoflaundry · 02/10/2026 10:54

OchreRaven · 02/10/2026 10:30

Honestly I think the only way that you can move forward is to take all the shame and embarrassment you feel and make sure he takes responsibility for it. He’s saying all the right things but does he mean it.

You have already told him you are separated. Tell him if he’s serious about repairing the damage he’s done he needs to come clean and tell both your families what he has done and why you are separated. You shouldn’t keep this secret. Doesn’t mean you need to shout it from the rooftops but anyone you consider your support system should know so that you don’t need to lie to protect him.

His MH issues are not an excuse. In fact cheating on your wife who you claim to love is likely to cause mental health issues by causing guilt and shame. So it’s difficult to know whether the MH issues are actually caused by the infidelity. Either way these are his issues to resolve and he needs counselling to understand why this happened.

If there is a way for him to move out temporarily I think that would be the best thing. Maybe stay with his parents or a trusted friend? If you are constantly around each other you will just keep having the same conversations and never healing or you will minimise it and try to move on just to keep you the peace. But you will never find true peace until you have worked through it properly.

I also wouldn’t let him back until he’s changed jobs and you have proof he’s told the OW he doesn’t want her and it was a mistake and she’s blocked on everything. I would also expect him to allow you access to his phone / communications whenever you feel like it.

If he can’t meet these standards he’s not serious about repairing your marriage he’s just trying to get out of the shit he’s found himself in.

I also think you need to prepare yourself that it is worse than he’s told you. Because it’s unusual for a woman who was sexting a married man for potentially months and then sleeps with him to feel so bad about it she thinks you should know the truth. More likely she thought he would tell you because she has expectations of a relationship. It’s likely he’s led her on and has created this impression.

He isn’t saying ‘all the right things’ though.

He’s blamed lots of things. Made excuses. Tried to get the OP to keep it secret. He’s saying the bare minimum.

I bet you, if the OP sticks to her guns and divorces him, he’ll turn nasty.

ThatHappyBlueCritic · 02/10/2026 10:57

It was premeditated cheating with the nudes etc. Get counselling for both separately and together booked asap and speak to a solicitor so you start getting your ducks in a row if you decide divorce. I personally wouldn’t be able to forgive cheating but if you have done all the counselling you will know the best path forward for you and your child. Sending virtual hugs and it’s going to be brutal so make sure you have support you need no matter the embarrassment to your DH. It’s not your responsibility to save his embarrassment at the expense of you getting support you need for something he caused!!

Chilihealer · 02/10/2026 10:57

Are you ballsy enough to storm into his work place and out them both infront of everyone? the mucky set of cunts!
You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed of op it’s these 2 that carry that shame not you.

CrazyMidget · 02/10/2026 11:03

movienights2 · 02/10/2026 10:51

The OW isn’t married with a kid tho. She’s also only just turned 21, meaning she was 20 or possibly even 18/19 when this started. The man is the one who needs to be held accountable here. He’s clearly taken advantage of her naivety.

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I'm sure he took advantage, but OW isn't an amoeba. She's a fully grown adult who knows full well that this is wrong and she could have said no.

Pinkflamingo10 · 02/10/2026 11:06

How very dare he blame you for his massive betrayal !

Laura95167 · 02/10/2026 11:07

Ok. Dont do anything until you calm down.

Based on what youve said this is a one-off i suspect she hoped would be more - or else she wouldnt have told you so fast.

And while its good shes told you, she didnt do it to do you a favour. Becuase unless shes accusing him of SA she was happy enough to do it to you too.

That said, she isnt you concern and owed you nothing. Im not villifing her either.

Could your marriage be over? Yes. Does it have to be? No.

The honest answer is its up to you. And you dont need to decide right this moment when youre processing the shock.

Id ask myself - do I love him? Is he willing to wait while I figure out what I need and show hes remorseful? Do I have anyone i can turn to or counselling I/we could seek?

There isnt an easy answer, so i am not telling you what to do -just what to consider.

Hand hold. You'll be ok whatever you decide

SoftBoiled · 02/10/2026 11:08

@JaneFrances Such an important cautionary tale. I'm so sorry. I think I needed to read that today as am still in 'biding my time' mode and conscious that it could so easily just drag on.

OP, the consequences of his affair will hit you in so many unexpected ways in the new life that lies ahead of you as a betrayed partner: just look at me 😬had he not dived neck deep into an intense emotional affair, there's no way I'd be spending my morning on MN feeling like I needed to be supportive of another woman going through similar heartbreak -I'd have no lived experience and no good advice to offer. The hours and days of my life that dealing with this grim state of affairs has gobbled up, of not being able to be present in my own life, is huge and something I will never be able to have back, nor forgive him for, irrespective of how contrite and intent on repair he is.

Laura95167 · 02/10/2026 11:09

MyHeartisinTwo · 01/10/2026 21:16

I don’t know what I want to do. He’s gone out for now. I don’t know where. He says he’ll do anything , go to marriage counselling etc. I hate him for doing this to us but I don’t know how I would cope as a single mum 😢

You know its OK for now if you just cry? Or yell at him? You dont have to do anything in this moment other than feel the pain and let the shock ease

FrankThePlank · 02/10/2026 11:10

ooof 21......I think that would seal the deal for me. That would totally give me the ick and I wouldn't be able to get past it.

Francestein · 02/10/2026 11:10

You know you didn’t deserve this. He made the choice to go to the party with her.

  1. Do not trust what he has said about the STI check. Get one yourself.
  2. Do not protect his “character” or feel bad for making him feel guilty or “look bad”. Gather your army.
  3. Unravel any financial links and get copies of all accounts, loans, assets, credit cards, subscriptions, etc.

Allow the anger.

Middlemarch123 · 02/10/2026 11:18

@MyHeartisinTwo

Many of us have been in the horrible situation you are in now. We got through it.
It’s very early days and you are in shock. You’ll rollercoaster through all the emotions, that’s normal and even necessary.

But some advice from one who remembers all too clearly this awful time: You mention up thread you feel ashamed. Stop that right now. The shame is all his. Don’t lie for him, excuse him or defend him. Infact, shine a bloody big spotlight on his cheating. Tell friends and family the truth. Also, keep in mind that OW or girl really, whilst she is part of this, he’s the one who put his marriage at risk here, he’s the one who risked it all.

Ask yourself, would I ever be able to trust him again? When I asked myself this, I knew I wouldn’t, and that was the clincher for me. Once the trust had gone, there was little left. I served divorce papers a week later. It broke my heart and took a lot of strength, but I knew that I could never live in uncertainty with him. Twenty years of marriage and three teenagers, and we got through it. You will too.

Lean on family and friends. You don’t need to make sudden decisions, but you need weeks, perhaps months, to consider your options, and decide what you want to happen next. It’s best if he moves out, because you won’t be able to reflect properly if he’s still home. I’d also suggest seeing a solicitor next week to get advice about legal issues. Take control, you are much stronger than you think.💐

Original poster
MyHeartisinTwo · 02/10/2026 11:21

His MH issue was/is depression. He’s suffered from bouts of it in the past but this most recent one started after a family member passed away last year and has lasted for a while. I’ve tried to support him but it’s been hard, especially whilst looking after DD and working. I will say that he is a very hands on father who does do his fair share with DD.

He’d been having therapy and I thought that things were starting to get better.

I actually told the OW last night that she was welcome to him. She claims that she doesn’t care about him and that she told me because if she was me she would want to know. She was telling me woman to woman apparently. I told her that she’s destroyed me and my little girl’s life.

I have told a friend IRL now so I have that support at least.

OP posts:
its2346 · 02/10/2026 11:23

She hasn’t destroyed you though. He has.

Horses7 · 02/10/2026 11:23

PastaBelly · 02/10/2026 09:26

It’s easy for me to say and I’m out of the other side of this now, and you will have conflicting feelings about it all.
i’m sorry, I think you will probably find more out and this will be bigger than he’s admitted. He’ll probably keep minimising and lying and then with any new information you find out he’ll try and say he was only keeping it from you to protect you/not to hurt you/ he cares about you…
the only practical advice I can give (and wished I’d listened too at the time) is to speak to a solicitor - you can have a free half hour usually - quietly get yourself protected and secure while he still thinks he’s winning you over or wearing you down.
because unfortunately, as much as we’d never think it or believe it, they can become very spiteful and nasty, and very quickly.

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This is useful advice.

YorksMa · 02/10/2026 11:24

Sorry to hear this is happening to you OP. Like many others here, I was once in your shoes. I really loved him and really wanted to put the relationship back together - we both did. And we tried. and tried. and tried. But sometimes once something is broken, it is broken for good, no matter how much you wish it wasn't. Ultimately we did break up and are both now happy with other people. I know some people say that relationships can survive infidelity, but that has not been my experience. I'd suggest you bite the horrible bullet now and save yourself months if not years of further heartbreak. And don't let him tell you that you're breaking up the marriage - HE did that the moment he stepped outside your relationship. Also, I don't know the details of his MH, obviously, but over and over again I see badly behaved men blaming their behaviour on MH and it's infuriating. I know people who have real mental health battles and none of them cause infidelity! I think it gets used as a get out of jail free card too often. Good luck OP, we are all thinking of you.

BobbiBiscuits · 02/10/2026 11:27

'I told her that she’s destroyed me and my little girl’s life.'

No no no OP. Your husband and your daughter's father, has done that. No mistake.

AquaSub · 02/10/2026 11:29

BobbiBiscuits · 02/10/2026 11:27

'I told her that she’s destroyed me and my little girl’s life.'

No no no OP. Your husband and your daughter's father, has done that. No mistake.

Nah I think she deserves to feel some of the guilt there. Anyone who flirts and the shags a married person isn’t a good person themselves.

Chilihealer · 02/10/2026 11:29

its2346 · 02/10/2026 11:23

She hasn’t destroyed you though. He has.

She’s played her part to it’s not all him, he obviously owed his wife loyalty and respect but this little tarts a cunt too for going near a man she knew had a wife and child. Both scum bags and she deserves to know she’s played a part in hurting people.

Whatalotoflaundry · 02/10/2026 11:30

chirrupybird · 02/10/2026 10:18

If he's serious he will have to get another job, you would never be comfortable with him being close to that woman every day.

I do wonder if he would have ever told you if she hadn't and I expect she told you so that you would split up and she could get together with your H. She seems to have been the main instigator.

It has been an emotional affair for some time even if they only had sex once. What to do? I don't know, you've been together a long time and have a young child it's a lot to give up but will it ever be the same? Or at least be OK again?

“She seems to have been the main instigator.”

I think that’s a very convenient belief for him to have and a convenient narrative for him to spin. My understanding from the OPs posts is that nudes were exchanged. He is not ‘the relentlessly pursued’ who had a ‘moment of weakness’. This was going on for a long time and he tried his best to hide it and is still trying to get the OP to hide it for him. This is calculated and premeditated. Let’s not blame the OW for HIS choice to commit adultery. Whilst I find her behaviour reprehensible, it isn’t the OW who had made marriage vows, entered a contract with another human being whom they promised to stay faithful too and brought a child into the world with, and then made choice after choice that risked their wife and child’s mental health and wellbeing.

Let’s not buy into his pathetic, gaslighting narrative eh?

SoftBoiled · 02/10/2026 11:31

its2346 · 02/10/2026 11:23

She hasn’t destroyed you though. He has.

Let's not tone police OP's very reasonable and natural feelings of aggrievement toward the person who knowingly participated in blowing up her and her child's life by engaging in an affair with OP's spouse. The 21 year old OW is old enough to drive, vote, serve a custodial sentence, serve on a jury and consent to organ donation. She has sufficient agency to understand that when you sleep with another person's spouse, this will have huge consequences. She alone is not to blame, but she definitely bears responsibility for her very regrettable actions. She has not made marriage vows to OP like OP's husband has, but basic human decency means we know she has done an unkind thing. She clearly knows it too as she contacted OP as she felt she needed to know.

YorksMa · 02/10/2026 11:31

OP, I also just wanted to add that because you've been together a long time that you might think you have too much time 'invested' in this relationship to end it - as someone much older than you I wanted to tell you that in your early thirties you are still really young. Easily young enough to be able to look forward to a better, brighter future than trudging through the decades with someone you can no longer trust.

BobbiBiscuits · 02/10/2026 11:34

AquaSub · 02/10/2026 11:29

Nah I think she deserves to feel some of the guilt there. Anyone who flirts and the shags a married person isn’t a good person themselves.

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No it's all on him. Why do women blame other women. It's the scum bag husband and father who couldn't keep his dick in his pants.

What, are women supposed to be buffers for men who can't control themselves? Why not wear a burqa all of us? Nah.

I agree it's not great for a person to flirt with and shag a married person, but they bear no responsibility to the wife and child, He does.

EppingIsFun · 02/10/2026 11:35

I'm so sorry, OP. And I think it's worrying he is seeking to make excuses for his behaviour. There's no mental illness that makes your trousers fall down and makes you fall naked on top of another woman. Doesn't matter whether she pursued him or not - he has agency. He's a scumbag.