I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

Oh, I would soooooo tell OW's parents, since she's young and living at home! Why should OW get away scot-free, after doing her best to shatter a three-year-old's childhood? If she was married, there are many reasons not to tell the other spouse (you can Google, I can't remember them right now) but parents are different! Literally rubbing my hands with glee at the thought of her parents being informed!

Years ago, I read an article about a woman whose husband cheated on her with an eighteen-year-old. The woman said she rang the girl's mother and told her. 🤣

Gosh. So the ‘weak and naive’ was actually ‘selfish and reckless’ - classic cheat. I don’t know how you can claim to be ‘naive’ when you’ve been warned by your wife to keep some distance. Also, not so naive that he didn’t conceal the fact nudes were being shared. Not so naive that he didn’t consciously block her contacts from you. Why take the time to do that instead of sit you down and tell you? It sounds a lot more intentional than he wants you to know. Because he wasn’t going to tell you, and he wanted to stop her from telling you. He’s lying about the STI test.

The intentional aspect is very grim. If she is 21 with poor MH, he’s treated her abysmally. I initially thought she told you because they’d been in a long relationship. I now think she told you because she’s ripped up and distraught believing a person she’d trusted with personal information might have actually cared about her. It’s probably dawned on her she was an easy target for a weak man looking to cheat because of her age and MH and position at work and she’s lashing out. I imagine she’s feeling violated and used - rightfully so.

There’s something about a man shagging another woman when he has a toddler at home that I find especially repugnant. These are the hard years in terms of time commitment and sleep deprivation, but also the golden years of innocence and charm. And his mind is on cheating while leaving you to the grown-up stuff, not caring about the potential impact on a tiny beautiful innocent child. Disgusting.

He may never have done this before, but has he ever had to be a proper grown-up before? With real adult pressures? If he can’t cope with the challenges of a young child and a wife stressed in a tough job, how will he cope with you losing your job, or cancer, or a serious car accident - or any of life’s REALLY tough situations. Have an orgy?

I’m really sorry OP. I don’t know how you ever regain trust. But just as big, how do you respect him again?

OMG - don't whatever you do get involved with this girl's parents. They will be the ones telling her to go for some sort of HR claim!! (Could conceivably helicopter her into the office to do so/make the call themselves!)

I'm not saying he might not deserve it, but the last thing the OP wants, as the higher earner, is to be paying this tosser something when he loses his job.

Oh my god. That’s awful advice. The OWs intentions for telling the OP are unimportant. Malicious or not. HE was the one who made vows, has a wife, has a child. HE is the one here that deserves the heat of the OPs righteous anger. The only contact the OP might choose to have with her is to ask her for more information. But it’s her H who she needs to focus on. He would love her wrath to turn to the OW. That would serve him very well.

I'm so sorry OP, you must be reeling. It's a shock and you need to take a little time to get your head around it.

For what it's worth, I don't believe that she just happened to have a hotel room - it was obviously premeditated and planned between them to sleep together. I also don't buy his 'mental health' excuse - depression and anxiety aren't excuse for infidelity. I think it's the age old story of a middle aged man being flattered and having the ego boost of a pretty young woman flirting and giving him the green light. The fact that he didn't resist and strongly put a stop to it speaks volumes.

Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed - you have done nothing wrong! Don't carry this alone, speak to your family and close friends and let them support you. He doesn't deserve to have you keep his dirty little secret. Of course he doesn't want you to tell anyone because he knows what they'll say - that you should tell him to leave.

I know you're devastated now but you and your little one will be ok. If I were you, I'd tell him to leave, at least for a few weeks, to give you space and time to think.

I can never never understand why anyone would risk throwing their whole life away, wrecking the life of their spouse, ruining the family life and childhood of their kids, and becoming a pariah to their family and friends, all for a brief thrill with somebody that ultimately they don't actually really care about. What the fuck. Why?? Why can't they see the consequences before they do it? I am so sorry OP.

The OW is angry and lashing out because she feels used . It’s not you she’s gunning for it’s him .

You don't have to make any decisions at the moment. Your world has just been turned upside down. Take time to decide what is best for you. In a marriage with young children it's easy to loose yourself so just take your time. The one thing I would say is he'll make all the promises right now but he's not going to always stick to them and then you'll be accused of living in the past. Definitely book an STI check and if he obviously hasn't used protection does that also mean there's a chance of pregnancy too. One thing deciding to forgive him cheating, another if she's then pregnant.

Sorry about this OP.

you don’t need to make a decision now or even next week. Don’t make decisions on bad days - you take the time to process this and do what you need to do. X

I'm on both sides of the fence here, although the drip feed really doesn't help his argument at all.

Don't rush to any decisions OP. You have nothing to be ashamed of however this pans out. I would get yourself some professional support.

Marriages can come through this, and worse, but that doesn't mean that they have to.

My ex husband was the same - quiet, nerdy, social awkward, conventionally not attractive (was attractive to me but he wasn't fighting women off him every time he went out), seemed to be home all the time outside of work and loyal.

Then I found out he cheated on me, in my own home, while my daughter was at nursery and I was at work. I only found out 18 months later and by accident. He was never going to tell me.

We've been separated 5 years now. I tried to stick it out for a year but it was never going to work, I couldn't truly forgive him and the atmosphere in the house was miserable by the end.

Your daughter will recover from this and so will you. I promise. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will. And he will go about the rest of his miserable life knowing he ruined everything he ever had.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

If he's serious he will have to get another job, you would never be comfortable with him being close to that woman every day.

I do wonder if he would have ever told you if she hadn't and I expect she told you so that you would split up and she could get together with your H. She seems to have been the main instigator.

It has been an emotional affair for some time even if they only had sex once. What to do? I don't know, you've been together a long time and have a young child it's a lot to give up but will it ever be the same? Or at least be OK again?

She's just 21 and he's early 30s? Grim.

@MyHeartisinTwo I asked this earlier, but what are his MH issues he's been "struggling" with? Has he said he's depressed as the reason he may have become detached from you? Said you don't feel as connected as a couple because you're so caught up in motherhood?

Don't be me.

I was pregnant in 1988. My husband stayed out all night on his own leaving do and slept with one of his soon to be former colleagues.

I was pregnant in 1991 and he had a 6 month affair with a 22 year old daughter of some friends of ours including going to visit her at her student city.

I found out about all this when he left me for another woman in 1999 who he'd bought a house with. That didn't work out and he came back because the children wanted him to. He did continue seeing the girl for years afterwards as friends though she didn't want a relationship with him.

He's still here. We have separate rooms and he's a Handy Andy and looks after our 4 dogs. We went to his nephew's wedding together as a family last year. He can't afford to move out and find a place and he's entitled to half of everything because although I bought him out I had him back in the house and never divorced him. I was left a house and money when my parents died. My sister and I sold the house and he'd be entitled to that too.

We took the children on holiday, went to their graduations etc.

I had him back to prove I'd won and to appease the kids who were 8 and 10.

The kids are both married and living away and he's their best friend.

Both retired now for over 10 years and I feel like Mrs Meldrew. I've got a serious hobby and friends but missed out on the possibility of a good relationship because I let him back in when I was still in my 30s. I have got me back but still have him that tempers it somewhat.

Oh and please don't feel ashamed. Tell people. Push the shame where it deserves, onto him. Keeping quiet will increase your feeling of shame.

There are so many troubling aspects to all this. One of them is the hotel room. He's still lying to you by saying she booked it in case she was drunk. They planned to shag on her birthday and that's why they had a hotel booked. He's had a few days to think of all the things he can say to try to minimize what he's done and that hotel room story is just one example.

Definitely maintain your dignity especially where his work is concerned.

I’m so sorry OP.
All I can say is to make the decision yourself. Don’t let him make it.

Telling people can be a double edged sword. Many people will think the obvious: what a bastard. A stupid fucking bastard. Some idiotic people will actually potentially apportion blame to you, thinking than you weren’t putting out or being nice to him or keeping him happy. Others will have a more 50:50 stance. And some will judge you if you then stay with him.

Personally, if you do decide to stay with him, I’m not sure that I’d tell people IRL. Of course the shame is his and he’s behaved like a cliched moron shagging a colleague whilst he has a wife and little dc. But it’s surprising how differently people think on this subject.

Also, the OW has probably told you, not because you deserve to know, but because she wants you to throw him out so she can get him, or she wants to hurt him. It was in no way to help you.

That OW sounds very uninhibited. I’d get the husband’s phone, get his passwords and block her. Get her out of both of your lives, at least until you’ve decided how you’re going to deal with all this. Tell him to get the marriage counsellor and set the appointment (if it does come to separation, then the counsellor provides a forum for mediation at least). While you have his phone, check all the apps and see what you can find out in terms of what really happened. Maybe he has already told you everything but you’ll keep catastrophising until you are sure. And a quick check in quietly in the background with a solicitor would be good.

Honestly I think the only way that you can move forward is to take all the shame and embarrassment you feel and make sure he takes responsibility for it. He’s saying all the right things but does he mean it.

You have already told him you are separated. Tell him if he’s serious about repairing the damage he’s done he needs to come clean and tell both your families what he has done and why you are separated. You shouldn’t keep this secret. Doesn’t mean you need to shout it from the rooftops but anyone you consider your support system should know so that you don’t need to lie to protect him.

His MH issues are not an excuse. In fact cheating on your wife who you claim to love is likely to cause mental health issues by causing guilt and shame. So it’s difficult to know whether the MH issues are actually caused by the infidelity. Either way these are his issues to resolve and he needs counselling to understand why this happened.

If there is a way for him to move out temporarily I think that would be the best thing. Maybe stay with his parents or a trusted friend? If you are constantly around each other you will just keep having the same conversations and never healing or you will minimise it and try to move on just to keep you the peace. But you will never find true peace until you have worked through it properly.

I also wouldn’t let him back until he’s changed jobs and you have proof he’s told the OW he doesn’t want her and it was a mistake and she’s blocked on everything. I would also expect him to allow you access to his phone / communications whenever you feel like it.

If he can’t meet these standards he’s not serious about repairing your marriage he’s just trying to get out of the shit he’s found himself in.

I also think you need to prepare yourself that it is worse than he’s told you. Because it’s unusual for a woman who was sexting a married man for potentially months and then sleeps with him to feel so bad about it she thinks you should know the truth. More likely she thought he would tell you because she has expectations of a relationship. It’s likely he’s led her on and has created this impression.

Oh and just to add, he sounds like he’s still lying and has told you a minimum/airbrushed version. She booked the hotel for sex, no question. My DH works with people who do this - they tell their spouse or family they’ll be up so late with a major bash so they will book a hotel for convenience and to minimise disturbance to the family. In 100% of the cases DH has seen, it’s to shag someone.

21, OP already answered.

So sorry you're going through this OP, you deserve better. What a ratbag he is using mental health as an excuse! Don't keep it secret, him and the OW don't deserve to be protected by secrets. I can understand you may feel embarrassed, but it is him who should be embarrassed. When it all comes out it's him that people will be judging, not you.

I’m feeling for the 21 year old. I was her. The man wasn’t married but he was older and in a senior position to me. I was so young and vulnerable. (She sounds like she might be too, with protective parents, like I had.) I was insecure and he flattered me. I had anxiety and depression, and he supported me. I didn’t share nudes but I did share very intimate thoughts.

The day I realised the whole thing was because I was an easy target for a wet immature man too pathetic to target a woman his own age etc, but old enough to know I was a soft target, was utterly devastating and demeaning and humiliating and properly messed me up.

I’m projecting, but I think the OW is probably lashing out blindly and desperately in pain. I did not know what to do with myself. I was too young and inexperienced to even begin to work it all out rationally. What did he tell her about his wife when they were sharing nudes….? I’ll bet something to make her believe there was hope.

I know she’s not me but …. what an absolute fucking despicable potentially abusive prick.

The more I think about this, the more I'd extract myself from this guy. AP just turned 21, living with the parents, junior work colleague. I agree with the others, there's 100% likely more to come out.

I know it's very easy to say this as a keyboard warrior but the poor judgement here is off the scale.

I haven’t had time to read through all of this thread but have you replied to her messages ? She may be using your replies as evidence that they had a fling to take to HR . Also people saying that the OP should contact the OW parents . She is 21 ffs a grown adult and not a child . She knew what she was doing .