I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

I completely agree with this. I know with the current economic climate it's not easy to split up and become a single mum. But what as women are we expected to do? Shackle ourselves to shit men and show our girls this is the only way and our boys that there are no consequences?

Your last update is heartbreaking. He’s a selfish liar and he will do it again. You can’t trust or believe a word coming out of his mouth. He is not who you thought he was. He is furiously backpedaling to try and limit the damage. Right now he will tell you everything you want to hear. But this is the crux - he is broken. The parts of a person that need to be there to be a safe person in your life are missing in him. This is permanent and unfixable.

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and show him the door.

No the relationship doesn't have to be over if you want to stay BUT and yes it is a big but you have to understand that you will never know a minutes peace again. Every time he goes to work you will be right back in this moment again, every time he goes out, every time his phone pings you will panic. Every special celebration will be jaded, every day tainted, every bunch of flowers met with suspicion.
As you know he has just taken your world and smashed it into smithereens and the very fact he expects to be allowed to stay with you tells you everything you need to know about what he thinks of you. He thinks it really doesn't matter that he has blown your world ( and his childs world) apart, he doesn't have enough respect for you or the marriage.
You need to ask him to move out whilst you have some space to deal with the grief and decide your future. None of this is your fault, it is his fault, Never forget that.

You're the higher earner. It gets better. Please dump him. You and your daughter will be better off without him in your home.

I’m sorry you are going through this.
Guaranteed this was premeditated. The hotel room was a very calculated move, on both his and her part.
The fucking audacity of it all!! Not only does he commit an act of utter betrayal to you, he asks you to keep his scummy little secret. This is ultimately about controlling the narrative, and not because he is ashamed. If you tell people, you are more likely to receive advice and support that will help you end this marriage. He loses control of manipulating your choices. I’d be shouting this from the rooftops! It is your story to tell now.
As for his MH needing this little boost (🙄), if you accept this excuse you are laying the foundations for him being able to behave however he wants in future and all he has to do is play the MH card.
The only way back from this would have been if he had taken responsibility for his choices. Forget ‘actions’, this was a conscious CHOICE he made. Clearly a choice he will make again if he thinks he can get away with it.
You’ve got this. Your future self will look back with pride if you find your anger and walk away. As will your daughter.

And please, please, get yourself tested for STIs. A sobering activity if ever there was one!!

Thinking about it practically, whether they end up together or separated, he’ll need a job to continue supporting their daughter. Sabotaging his career isn’t a good idea.

All of this.

Op god I feel for you.
I think he will now sleep with her again as you have been the meanie saying youre separated. Pls be emotionally prepared for that

Your ‘d’h does not sounds like a very nice man.

He claims she has mental health issues, says that he has and it was the only time he felt something then tells her, someone with mental health issues that he will never be with her.

she is claiming she thought he told you. So he is stringing her along too.

He has been so sly, he has sneaked onto your phone and blocked her, which is such an invasion of privacy.

She did not beat you to it telling you, he had no intention of ever doing that. Everything he says is a lie.

And as for the oh we didnt plan on having sex, he chose to go back to a hotel late at night with someone that had sent him nudes. This was not the first time this happened, and if it was he knew what was going to happen if he went back with her.

is he more senior than her at work? Because he certainly sounds much older and it seems like there is a power dynamic.

everything he has told you is a lie and from what you have said there is no accountability and he has been so shifty.

I’m sorry OP this sounds so awful and you do not deserve this.

Your last update resonated, I hid my own ExH infidelities for too long out of shame and embarrassment-surely I wasn’t good enough? Truth is the opportunity arose and he cheated, I’d never have thought he’d do such a thing.. well he did, and when the enormity of it all unfolded and the extent of the lies were laid bare it was too much for me to ever forgive let alone forget. Please don’t hide away, this isn’t on you, his path, his choice's! A 21 year old girl 😳 that must have really stroked his ego.. you probably only know half the story, this could have been brewing for months before they tend to only admit to what is already known. I never entered into marriage to end up as a single mother due to my husband cheating but you know what - I’m a better person for it! No longer delusional and accepting of the bare minimum has taught me how to be strong. Pull up your big girl pants and face this fucker head on! His behaviour is totally unacceptable and it’s his fuck up not yours. You hold all the cards now and you get to decide what happens next.

One of the things that I would be really angry about is how vulnerable he has made you and your daughter. Sharing nudes with a vindictive 21 year old woman is a dangerous thing to do. Your DD is only 3 years old but what happens in years to come, can you be sure DD’s never going to hear back what her father did. No matter how the chips fall on this horrible situation, I don’t think I’d ever want my kids finding out their father did something like this.

Sounds like he had been leading her on for a while.

A woman scorned.

Stay strong op x

He might have deleted everything, I bet she hasn't.

Your marriage was not based on trust and honesty on your part then. You showed zero respect for your husband and lived a lie. That’s not a marriage I would value.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you @MyHeartisinTwo 💐 What a horrible situation for you and your daughter. You sound like a lovely person and your response in wanting to minimise disruption for your daughter shows what a good mum you are.

Being a single mum is no easy feat HOWEVER being in an unhealthy relationship where you’re not loved and valued is one of the hardest feats to endure.

You’re a high earner, you’ll be ok. Get some legal advice today and see if you can get some counselling to talk things through. Also reach out to some trusted family and friends - they’ll want to help and if they’re anything like you, they’ll go about it all in a dignified way that helps your daughter too.

He needs to leave the house and face the consequences of his actions. None of that DARVO bullshit where he plays victim. It wasn’t a drunken one night stand, it was a chosen fling with someone much younger that he works with.

Sending you strength for the next few weeks. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. 🤍

Yes, this. We've seen it play out on here so many times. Just leave him - you'll be glad you did.

Just keep reminding yourself of this. Putting his dick in something different was more important to him than you and your family. He threw you all away when he did that. That is who he is.

You would cope your stronger than u realise plus he wud have to have his child when u have custody in place !!
If u want to leave him leave him don't doubt your capabilities decent men don't shag other woman he got caught she has let u know what a sleaze he is
Big hugs your in shock right now but u got this x

All the shame is his. None of it is yours.

Ah the old mental health excuse.

I'm by no way excusing him, and it sounds as though you have the measure of him. The message she sent you as a need to know doesn’t ring true though , if they were messaging and sending Nudes , it sounds more like he’s brushed off after sleeping with her and she is being malicious . She knew he was married with a kid when messaging , when sending nudes and when sleeping with him- she’s not innocent in this either .

The spiteful part of me would be so tempted to message her parents and let them know what kind of daughter they have raised and have living with them ,- you are going to punish him , I wouldn’t want her getting away Scot free either. May not be the healthiest but as someone who exposed the Ow as well as my H , I can say it does feel good! I had the get my anger out before I could move on and heal

If her parents don't approve of her drinking too much, how will they feel about her shagging a married man in a sleazy hotel room. I would let everyone know. Why keep their dirty secret and let them put a twist to the truth.

Does ‘naive’ have a new meaning?

I thought it meant overly trusting - what is overly trusting about having sex with someone other than your spouse?

Sorry you are going through this Op. You’ve had some good advice. This is all on him. Don’t feel you have to keep his secrets, I suspect you’d benefit from real life support if there’s someone you can trust.

Your husband made some many decisions leading up to the sex. This wasn't a drunken moment of madness. There was flirting, messaging ,deleting the messages, deception. He wasn't nieve. He like the attention. He liked having his ego stroked. He was an active participant. Sorry, @MyHeartisinTwo he's telling you the bare minimum and minimising hus behaviour.

He put your health at risk by havjng unprotected sex with her. He put your families financial security at risk by having sex with a college. Hes left himself open to sexhal harassment claim especially if she is younger and he has seniority.

He doesn't want you to tell people because he wants you isolated and without support. You are less likely to stay if people know. Tell your friends or a trusted family member. Don't keep his dirty secret.

I can’t stand cheaters. It would 100% be a deal breaker for me.
You’re in shock right now though, so I’d definitely tell him to leave for the time being while you process what he’s done. Don’t rush anything right now.
Oh and he’s asked you not to tell anyone because he’s embarrassed? So he bloody should be! You need to share this with a family member or close friend because you need support right now. I also wouldn’t believe that it only happened once. Sleaze bag.