Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

@crackofdoom

Many things to say, but I just have to say that right now DS1 is doing something in the adjoining room that is causing intermittent thuds- probably jumping off the sofa onto the floor. Not even rhythmical thuds- intermittent ones 😬. I can’t count how many times I have tried to explain to him about me and noise- he is incapable of registering.

currently in quarantine with overexcitable and loud DS and let me just say, I feel this on a deep level

I can’t focus on things if people talk while I’m watching tv. I have hyper sensitive hearing and can’t drown anything out.

DP had some friends over for dinner and they've now gone, kids are in bed. It was nice to see them but so noisy and busy with the DC as well.

I can feel my body slowly deactivating from social mode and the headache/exhaustion/ sensory intolerance setting in and I know a meltdown is coming. I hate that there is physical cost to things like this.

DP does not get this at all. I do generally hide the meltdowns from him though, I think it scares him a bit to see me like that on the rare occasions that he has.

Does anyone else have experiences like this?

Definitely @bobbythevet - I start shaking and it comes on a bit like a panic attack. DH is used to it now though, once we figured out I get delayed reactions to things he's fine if I ask him to leave me alone to sort myself out.

Someone mentioned clothes upthread - I really really struggle with clothes! The fabric touching my skin, labels, seams - had a bad day today because I had to go out for a postponed Christmas lunch but I wanted to scratch my own skin off because of my clothes, which made me really distracted. Plus trying to actually choose something to wear in the first place that's not the same old knackered baggy jeans and grease-stained t-shirts was so hard.

I have an autism diagnosis and some clear ADHD traits but can't be bothered looking for a diagnoses for them.
Married to an NT man but that being said he has some traits as well - when we were first going out he forgot to phone me because he was so engaged in solving a Rubik's Cube.
That being said, he's very together and organised and calm under pressure.
He's also effectively my carer, moreso in the last few years since I've had some other health stuff. I don't drive so he does that, he's good at DIY stuff but also does far more of the cooking and housework than me. Oh and he's the main earner.
Poor fucker, now that I think about it

He also does that thing of long rambling anecdotes! I just want to scream get to the point, I've totally lost track.

I also often have to ask him if he's joking or not.

He does occasionally worry that he's enabling me a bit too much and that I'd have to step up and cope better if he didn't. Alhough he works away for weeks or months at a time and I'm fine with that. I think he worries that I can go weeks without leaving the house or seeing anyone but it's so much less stressful not bothering.

I'm similar after social things. I am on really high alert for want of a better term. Just really 'fizzy'. I don't know if anyone knows what I mean

I need a debrief. I ask my husband to go through everything. What I said, was it ok. How did they seem. What did they think of me etc etc.

Then I just want to be alone.

I can't do peopleing for long periods of time.

Another thing I wanted to discuss if anyone's interested is stimming and other actions. I do things I'm not even aware of. Apparently I stroke door handles every time I walk through a door. It's only when my husband draws my attention to it that I even know! I also randomly flutter my fingers. Just a tiny little finger Mexican wave, not a long or large action.

Oh I relate to clothes issues!

Im a bit embarrassed to admit it but I stay in the same clothes for days I also have a wardrobe full of clothes but only wear the same few items. All labels are cut out, I can't wear long sleeves, I HATE socks or tight necklines, I can't wear jewellery and I often wear things inside out to avoid the seams.

Thankfully I never leave the house so it doesn't matter!

In fact, lockdowns have been wonderful for me because people don't come to visit. I've barely seen anyone for years and I'm so happy.

Is anyone like that feeling anxious about having to start interacting again now? I would be so happy to just stay like this

I pull my hair out, DW twiddles hers. And I rub my mouth. And I rub tags together.

DS1 wears one sock right way, and one inside out. Apparently that one foot is more sensitive than the other He also chews the necklines of his t-shirts.

Neither of my DSs are diagnosed though, partly as they're home schooled so there was no urgent need to.

I also randomly flutter my fingers

Me too. I wiggle my little fingers when I walk down the street, or at home when I'm gathering my thoughts or trying to change gear.

I hate having people come into my house. I find it really stressful, it's my sanctuary.

@IncompleteSenten

In fact, lockdowns have been wonderful for me because people don't come to visit. I've barely seen anyone for years and I'm so happy.

Is anyone like that feeling anxious about having to start interacting again now? I would be so happy to just stay like this

Lockdowns was quite life changing for me, I've avoided people for years and have moved to the middle of nowhere to guarantee this! With lockdown all the online options now have given me options to inergrate into society in a way I like! Courses and hobbies etc now being on zoom have let me take part in stuff I never would have been able to before!

Lockdowns have been a great excuse for me to stay home. I now shop online, work online and to some extent socialise online. Life is definitely less stressful.

On the stimming point, I used to rock as a child and was always told off for it. My favourite thing was being on the swing in the garden - it was my happy place because I could rock without being told off.

Does anyone else love leggings?! So comfy and cosy…I tend to have a kind of under layer of comfy, jersey clothes and put skirts or dresses over the top, so it hides the bulges and looks like a “proper” outfit. Dungaree dress with dinosaurs on today! 😆

Re stimming- I draw letters on my thumb with my forefinger, if that makes sense. I also like walking in deserted places, because there’s nothing like flapping your arms while walking- occasionally doing aeroplanes, all with a running commentary (I find some VERY deserted places to walk! 😆)

I do actually enjoy hanging out with people up to a point- I can do a couple of hours in an intense environment like a pub or party before quietly escaping and enjoying my own company again, happy in the knowledge that I have Socialised.

Not read the whole of this thread yet, but we've got a thread running in Housekeeping.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/housekeeping/4345256-The-ADHD-suspected-ADHD-poor-executive-function-generically-disorganised-and-overwhelmed-housekeeping-thread

Does anyone else love leggings?!

I wear them every day. I shove a short skirt on over them if I go out anywhere.

@crackofdoom

Does anyone else love leggings?! So comfy and cosy…I tend to have a kind of under layer of comfy, jersey clothes and put skirts or dresses over the top, so it hides the bulges and looks like a “proper” outfit. Dungaree dress with dinosaurs on today! 😆

Yep, I even sleep in them. I love the compression feeling but the freedom to move. I HATE restrictive clothing.

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation - just on the self check out thing, I decided to grit my teeth and sign up.

I read very carefully, and could tick a box to not get marketing stuff via post, and when emails started coming through I eventually got a far as unsubscribing.

Self service is amazing.

Even better, we have a system here (not uk) where I can scan my items into my bags using my phone. At the end I can pay online, get aqr code and just scan that on the way out.

Even less involvement of any sort.

I am not going to join the thread, because I haven't got a proper dx, and being acutely sensitive, cannot cope with the idea that I'll be flayed alive as a listicle dx person.

That's not how I found out, and I know that I feel everything that's been said on here, but anyway, I felt strongly enough that I might be able to help your supermarket thing that I thought I'd say something.

In the end, being able to self- serve was a bigger win than avoiding marketing crap. HTH.

Does anyone wear sunglasses all year round because the world is just too damn bright? And also because you can hide behind them
And eye contact is less intense?

I have photoreactive lenses on my spectacles to cope with brightness.

S/o asked about stimming, I run my nails up and down the outside seams of the leggings/ trousers I am wearing - corduroy trousers are especially soothing; I've done this from childhood. I had a hair-pulling habit(there's actually a medical name for it!) but started to get bald patches, not good. I bounce my legs when stressed, but I get to 'fight or flight' quite quickly so have to try and control it

YY to wearing loose clothes & leggings; hate restrictive clothing, hate itchy labels, dislike synthetic fabrics.

I can't sit on the sofa or lie in bed without stroking my left foot repeatedly back and forth. I can remember doing it in bed as far back as when I was 5 years old and was "weird" about birthdays and Christmas. I hid under my bed at my own birthday party, I spent time alone at a friend's party and felt like a fish out of water, and always refused to open presents in front of people. I still hate that and avoid gifts as much as possible. They make me very anxious. Lockdown has been great for me in many ways. I no longer had to think of excuses why I couldn't do things socially. I always used to say yes to things as it's what normal people do right? And then I'd spend the next week worrying about how to get out of it. Drinks in a group in a bar is my idea of hell. Now I have learnt to say sorry I can't make it and don't give an excuse or reason. Lockdown taught me to respect my own boundaries. It provided a much needed filter to the world that was too bright too loud and too confusing. There were people out there in the world who expected things of me and I didn't always know what and worried I'd get it wrong and would perform an intricate post mortem of every social interaction and be anxious about how I'd come across in case I'd been rude or dismissive or made things about me in my bid to be empathic. Fuck me it's exhausting.

Morning
So stressed out. The head teacher from my sons school is coming round to bring him some work as he's CEV and off again while covid is rife. I've got physical symptoms which I just assume are stress related, I always find it hard to tell though.
My head is pounding and it's tight all across my shoulders and up the back of my head. I feel dizzy and have the extreme exhaustion feeling that I get when I'm going into shutdown. My ability to have a conversation disappears and I slur my words and can't think of the words I need.
Luckily my husband is going to take the reins and the head won't be coming in due to us shielding.
I've been dreading it for days though and have progressively seemed more autistic as the day approached.

I'm glad your husband is going to deal with it. Do you have any soothing techniques ?

@IncompleteSenten

I'm glad your husband is going to deal with it. Do you have any soothing techniques ?

Not really, just going to bed and waiting for it to be over. I retreat to the bedroom at least once a day.

@LilyRed

I have photoreactive lenses on my spectacles to cope with brightness.

S/o asked about stimming, I run my nails up and down the outside seams of the leggings/ trousers I am wearing - corduroy trousers are especially soothing; I've done this from childhood. I had a hair-pulling habit(there's actually a medical name for it!) but started to get bald patches, not good. I bounce my legs when stressed, but I get to 'fight or flight' quite quickly so have to try and control it

YY to wearing loose clothes & leggings; hate restrictive clothing, hate itchy labels, dislike synthetic fabrics.

Trichotillomania