Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

That's great, welcome!

Post diagnosis is really tough. Nearly one year on and it hasn't settled down yet. The dragging the past out and raking it all over to prove you have significant deficits is shit. I keep getting ambushed by another remembered situation...

It is going to take a while longer to come to terms with it.

Post diagnosis is really tough. Nearly one year on and it hasn't settled down yet. The dragging the past out and raking it all over to prove you have significant deficits is shit. I keep getting ambushed by another remembered situation...

I'm still like this six years on. It's resulted in such huge resentment and blaming towards NTs for their past treatment of me that I can't face talking to them anymore. This includes being unable to access help. I think we should have access to post diagnosis support.

I must say I’m not doing well as a woman who is currently undergoing diagnosis for autism, married to an NT man. My son has autism and he has made me more brave and honest. I can’t tell him it’s ok to be himself without admitting it’s ok to be myself too. But my husband is complaining because I’m no longer masking or pretending so much.

Previously I would have accepted that I was just useless when I lost my keys for the hundredth time, or was afraid to go out, or needed multiple alarms to remind me of everything... but now when he criticises I’ve started to tell him to fuck off because I have genuine difficulties. His response has been to say “Oooh (holds fake handbag) look at me, I’m disabled and have genuine difficulties!”

Today we argued because I’m sick of putting up with him making loud noise that triggers me, and my little one said “Daddy don’t make that noise you’re upsetting Mummy”. So then he said “Look what you’ve done, even our child is defending your bullshit whinging”. I said “You knew what I was like when you married me”. He said “Yes but I didn’t think you were this bad”. I think he’s struggling because he thought he married a normal person and now it turns out he’s probably inadvertently married someone with a disability.

@Alayalaya bloody hell, that's annoying. You need to have a serious talk with him about the implications of suddenly discovering you're autistic as an adult. He needs to sort himself out and stop making it all about himself. This is not a minor thing. He's also setting an atrocious example about acceptance to your child.

@Alayalaya so sorry he is acting like this and holding up your bag and mocking you like that is downright cruel. He should be supporting you right now when it is difficult enough time. As the previous poster also said he is setting such a bad example of acceptance to your child too. Thinking of you and hope you are doing ok

Ltb...abusive twat.

He doesn’t sound like someone who is going to be amenable to reason @Alayalaya , nor a good example for your DS. That really sounds quite bad because there is obvious contempt there.

What are your options for separation?

I don’t have the money to leave. Due to my difficulties I’m a low earner (min wage part time) and I need his income to house and support our son. He’s starting school and I’ve tried to explain to my husband that he’ll need to step back from his 7-7 job and take on 50% of parenting in order to allow me to work more. He says it’s illogical for him to step back from a well paid job in order for an autistic person to earn peanuts. I said regardless I need the security of being able to support myself even if it leaves our family worse off overall. He said why do you need to support yourself unless you’re planning on leaving me? So now he’s angry and I don’t know what to say.

im not sure how it works in detail so hopefully more knowledgeable mnetters will chime in, but I think marital assets get split during a divorce and he would have to pay towards child maintenance. It might be worth talking to a solicitor about it. As no one should have to put up with this abuse and if he does it to you will he eventually do it to your son?

@Alayalaya

I'm putting this here in the hope that it will help you think about what this abusive git is doing to you and your child and how to get away
The Freedom Programme

it's free, has an online version and you can do it at your own speed: the site contains an awful lot of useful resources too

@Alayalaya maybe starting by looking at your work options would help? Even if you can’t act in no plans immediately, making them will increase your confidence.

There is an absolute tonne of training now available online and many jobs are becoming fully remote. Would that make a job change easier for you?

In the meantime LIE to him by pretending your dissatisfaction is all about work fulfilment. That his mockery has made you more determined to retrain.

Don’t let him get any more suspicious that you’re really planning to leave. If you do, he’ll try to block you and make things difficult.

morning.

hope today is a better day for all.

@Alayalaya also Refuge will help you with shedloads of advice if you are planning to leave about work, money, benefits etc, etc and can find a place for you and your child to stay if you need it.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

@KnitFastDieWarm

On the subject of books, does anyone else ‘comfort read’? I have certain books that I read over and over and over again and the predictability and the familiar characters create a deeply soothing and safe mental space for me. I do the same thing with TV and films (much to DH’s bewilderment as he can’t understand why i’d rather rewatch something familiar than watch new things)

I am just catching up after a name change so realise the thread has moved on as I've not posted for a while but YES! I do do this.

Comfort read and comfort watch things, box sets/films. I have a handful of books that I always go back to when I'm mentally 'done'. Reading them is like putting on a comfy old onesie when it's cold outside. It's like switching off and stepping into a safe world. Bliss.

[quote ofwarren]@hopperrock
I think the longer you have masked, the harder it is to find the real you. Even now, I have to think hard about what my actual likes and dislikes are and I still sometimes end up getting sucked up into the NT world and attempt to emulate people.
I sat and wrote a list of all things I would like to do, wear, watch, eat, see if I was alone and had no NT interference and I try to do those things. Allow yourself to be.[/quote]
I agree with this.

I said to (NT) DH the other day that I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and that it's really scary. I'm 38, I've masked all of my life and without a 'mask' I have no idea of what I like. Do I really like something or if that just me masking because honestly sometimes I feel like the only thing I truly like as leisure time for example is being on my own at home in silence (and we have two small children so that doesn't happen much!).

I also feel like I've become 'more' autistic and DH has pointed it out - 'oh but you have been able to do X before, why can't you now?'

Because dear, although I may be able to do X if I HAVE to, to appear normal, at what cost to me is it? I can force myself to endure whatever X is, obviously, I have for years. But now I'm saying no. No more forcing myself to do things that I now realise I am not built to do. Apologies for the inconvenience!

I have comfort watching, but mainly listening. I often listen to the same song on repeat for days and have trusty favourites when in need of a musical hug. I have an Alexa playlist that is on every day. It ranges from thrash metal to country. My comfort watch is Murder, She Wrote.

I also do comfort listening @AlternativelyWired . Funnily enough like a lot of other posters I tend to stick to a certain era of my life (teens/early twenties I don't know why!) and I definitely listen to the same songs over and over on repeat.

Do any of you have/do maladaptive daydreaming? I realised I do this from a MN thread a few years ago and I've only recently realised it's probably linked to my autism.

What is maladaptive daydreaming? I get to sleep role playing in my head and always play out conversations in my head before I have them unless just chatting generally. Anything planned is planned though.

It's hard to explain (well hard for me!) but it's sort of like an intense daydream where you sort of totally zone out, where you can lose a lot of time doing it. I can control it - so I only do it when I'm alone and have time to lose. Some people pace whilst doing it, immersed in their own world, some people lie down or sit. There is a whole thread on it somewhere let me see if I can find it, it's fascinating. I don't know if it's an autism thing or a just 'I'm a bit odd' thing. It's harmless as long as it doesn't actually interfere with your daily life in a detrimental way.

Here it is. If you put 'maladaptive daydream' search into Mumsnet there are loads of comments about it too.

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3494415-To-ask-if-anyone-on-here-suffers-from-mal-adaptive-daydreaming-And-would-they-like-to-talk-about-how-it-effects-them-and-the-things-they-do-to-deal-with-it

Here's a question for you all, sort of an AIBU but through the lens of having ASD.

Situation is this. We have a nice home that we've lived in for several years. It's a semi, we have one set of neighbours. House is great, plenty of space etc except for being attached on one side and having neighbours.

These neighbours are nice BUT they are a bit noisy (for me, probably not for other people). Not all the time, but they are into a certain type of music and have super duper sub-woofy speakers/a sound bar thing attached to their TV fixed on the party wall and when they put it on (or a film that has explosions etc) it drives me to the brink of a meltdown (or into one) even if I'm wearing my Flare ear bud things.

The unpredictability of it, the lack of control I have over my own environment (when they have it on, I can't sit in our sitting room at all) and the boom boom boom, vibrate vibrate vibrate. It's horrible. We can be sat eating our dinner watching a film and it starts and that's it, my evening with DH is over I have to go upstairs. This happens not at unreasonable late hours really, usually weekend evenings but sometimes in the week too. We did speak to them when they first moved in and it started they they did move the speakers, apparently, but it's still very very audible to me.

DH hears it and is also irritated by it, but he is happy to just turn the TV up when it happens. I can't do that, I can't concentrate on anything with the noise. DH is NT and rightly points out to me that it's not like it's every night and it's not late etc. Technically, I do know they aren't doing anything wrong except being a little inconsiderate.

It also causes problems for my autistic children, if they're awake and the music goes on. They can't bear it either. Luckily if they're asleep it's not usually audible upstairs so it doesn't wake them.

Anyway. I have been speaking to DH for a while about wanting to move. I would like to live in a detached house, and always wanted to be in a quiet village. DH agrees that it's a nice idea - we've even viewed a house before and had ours valued - but doesn't really want the upheaval of moving. We can afford it, it's a bit of an upgrade but with our savings we shouldn't even need to increase the mortgage by much. We're only in our late thirties so a small mortgage increase would be totally manageable in terms of still being able to pay it off hopefully by the time we're early fifties.

So the crux of it is I desperately want to move so that I can have some control over my own environment noise wise and not have to live in a state of constant anxiety and stress when the noise starts and anticipating it every weekend. DH sees my point (kind of!) but basically doesn't want to move. He can live with it.

Thoughts on how to approach this with him, again? I've tried explaining but it just seems such a drastic, OTT reaction to him.

I made that move, I live in the middle of middle of nowhere the sheer relief of no shouting, no balls kicked against my window etc has been lifevbchsnging tbh.

I would really sit down and express upon him how much this noise is impacting your life, you (he) can live with it, I can't, it's ruining my quality of life, its not over the top, my disability causes sound sensitivity etc. He doesn't want the upheaval of moving which is temporary but expects you to put up with this forever?
I'd tell him bluntly like that tbh

move.