Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

@ENoeuf

I hate that I haven’t accumulated friends from the school gates, from work, from uni. I’ve always been ok on day one and then slowly frozen out or politely rebutted until it’s been very clear I’ve been making an idiot of myself for several weeks / months assuming a friendship that doesn’t exist. If I died my family and a couple of friends would come to the funeral. I’ve never been able to have a party or have a big wedding or been tagged in Facebook ‘ 40 women’ type posts.

I'm the same but it doesn't bother me that much. I would hate to have a big wedding or a party. Luckily my extended family is quite big so if I did die, there would be lots at the funeral. I have literally no friends at all. I've tried but I just can't cope with the demands. They text me, ring me and want to come round and I hate that. I'm much happier with acquaintances so I can say hello and chat if I see them but there is no further obligation.

I'm not sure I'm allowed but can I join? The reason for my questioning is I have a (mild), brain injury which has left me with autistic "traits" but I'm not "classed" as being on the spectrum due to it not being something I was born with. I fully understand and accept that you may not be happy for me to join this thread and if that is the case then I apologise.

@IncompleteSenten I hope you have found your people here I can relate very much to what you say.

I describe it as putting on a face and acting to the NT general public, doctors etc, but it is so bloody tiring - so for example with mask on, I can give a lecture or talk to room full of people because to me they are just an amorphous mass - but to talk and socialise with individuals, say at an after party or meeting; sorry no, can't do that, I want to run screaming to the nearest quiet place and I find it very difficult.

I simply cannot understand what DP does to work a room and socialise - he's very good at that; to me it's some strange form of 'magic' or something, I simply don't have that ability and never have had.

So interesting to know that so many of you can relate to the depersonalisation thing. I often feel like I’m a different person with each group/person I interact with. I can ‘pass’ as NT for limited periods of time (like at a party, for example) and so people assume I am. I think i’m getting more comfortable with myself as I get older (I’m in my thirties now) but as a teenager/early 20something I swung wildly between being my ND self and putting on a sociable and ‘cool’ NT mask. I’m only now learning that aspects of both those personalities are authentic to me, and that I don’t have to fit into anyone’s idea of what either an autistic women or an NT woman should be - I’m just me.

On a related note, something I found incredibly validating and healing was to write down my ‘life story’ as an autistic woman - not from a medical perspective, but more holistically in order to think about the traits and experiences that, with hindsight, highlight who I am and have always been. It really helped me overcome the sense that there was something ‘wrong’ with child/teenage me (who was ‘odd’, lonely and badly bullied) and extend compassion to my past self for all the times I’ve struggled with things NT people seem to find easy.

@TimBoothseyes

I'm not sure I'm allowed but can I join? The reason for my questioning is I have a (mild), brain injury which has left me with autistic "traits" but I'm not "classed" as being on the spectrum due to it not being something I was born with. I fully understand and accept that you may not be happy for me to join this thread and if that is the case then I apologise.

I'm not here to police who joins a thread or not, however my opinion is, as always, that autistic traits are just that. In order to be diagnosed you need to meet very specific criteria regarding your social communication and impairment in certain areas. Lots of people share lots of these traits, some are autistic, some are not and there are very common traits which lots of autistic people do share. I suspect your brain injury means that you share some traits but these don't make you autistic because they are due to a brain injury, rather than as you say 'being born this way' - I think you will probably recognise a lot of our conversation but I also suspect you will be somewhat of an outsider because you are not autistic you simply share some similar behaviours.

I worded that as best I could not to offend and I'm not whether you should or shouldn't be here but as an autistic person I can't 'match' your experience to mine.

So interesting to know that so many of you can relate to the depersonalisation thing. I often feel like I’m a different person with each group/person I interact with. I can ‘pass’ as NT for limited periods of time (like at a party, for example) and so people assume I am.

Innocent me back in my 20s used to pride myself upon being able to 'fit in' with all groups of people from all social backgrounds when i was at work. I even spoke in the local accent to some, and a posher accent to others. Dropped a swear of the person was a swearer and spoke as if I was talking to the bloody queen to others. I thought I was doing a good job with my customers but it turns out I had no idea who i was and was mimicking them so I didn't stand out - it's incredible the view you get of yourself post diagnosis/realisation.

Innocent me back in my 20s used to pride myself upon being able to 'fit in' with all groups of people from all social backgrounds when i was at work. I even spoke in the local accent to some, and a posher accent to others. Dropped a swear of the person was a swearer and spoke as if I was talking to the bloody queen to others.

OMG I have always been like this. I see it as a strength though because I don’t know whether I’d be able to get on with people as the ‘real’ me. No one except for one friend, DH, my DB and my DC know of my diagnosis and I don’t want anyone thinking any differently of me so I don’t tell people.

That quote from elelel was supposed to be in bold!

@hopperrock

Eye contact is uncomfortable and I never know if I'm doing it too much or doing it right.

YES! I am much better at eye contact these days but have a constant commentary in my head, "you're doing it too much now, it's too intense, look away, no that's too far, why are you looking over there, they'll think you're weird, just pick an eye, don't flick from one to the other all the time like that, they'll think you're weird" etc etc

Haha, this is my constant internal monologue too. "Where should I look next? Is this normal?"

One of my very first memories of life as an autistic person was on my third birthday. My dad had arranged a little party with some children and my mother had made a Dougal (Magic Roundabout) cake. I can distinctly remember thinking "what are these people and why are they eating my cake!?" It was a total feeling of disconnect and of knowing that they were different and shouldn't have been there because they had nothing to do with me or I with them. It came as a shock. I felt the same way when I started nursery shortly afterwards. All I could relate to were animals and insects.

"It drives me mad when DH answers a question that he thinks is what I mean but isn't what I actually asked. I am not subtly making a point or skirting round something, I just want to know exactly what I asked"

This is a significant issue in my marriage. Makes me miserable actually. As do a lot of things. It's so hard. I cry a lot about being so misunderstood. She tries hard but it's not always enough. I have trained myself to emotionally phase out (when I feel strong enough.)

My daughters (one an adult and one 7) understand me. And so does my best friend. But the emotional complexity of a marriage with 2 children under 8 (both with diagnosed autism - one at a special school and the other mainstream) means that the support I thrive on is not always there. Just enough to keep us married. She has her own shit of course and I love her enough to stay. But it's hard. And why should she "support" me after all?

I'm becoming more and more selectively mute at home as the years go by because so many of our interactions feel painful to me. Make me want to shrink. Or scream. She doesn't mean it. Our life together is challenging. We both work full time in incredibly demanding jobs and the 2 little ones have such great needs. There's little left for us. 😕

I was diagnosed 3 years ago, by the way. I think my adult daughter has traits and I think my father was autistic.

Love this thread. The other one used to make me feel so sad and defective so I stopped reading it. There are some truly vitriolic people out there.

Sometimes l ask dh a question and he won't give me a proper answer or gives half an answer or says something misleading. On average, I have to ask the same question about three times before I'll finally receive a proper answer. I tell him it's because he's trying to get me to talk, because I'm a fairly quiet person. He's quiet as well though so it's not as though he's in need of constant chat.

I totally agree with PPs, I think adult mumsnetters with autism should have our own board. Autism is such a broad diagnosis already now and I really hate the term "special needs", sorry - I'm not special, my needs are because of society and the workplace being so rigid on expectations and behaviours. People with non-verbal children who have learning difficulties wouldn't get much from this thread, I don't think, and I don't want to intrude on dilute the support their spaces either.

Love this thread. The other one used to make me feel so sad and defective so I stopped reading it. There are some truly vitriolic people out there

This sums it up for me @MWNA, people's attitudes suck!

Well I would like to join but I think ex is undiagnosed autistic so I only qualify one one out of three criteria. (Autistic)

Great idea for a thread though. I shall observe and gain insight incase I feel like trying this marriage/relationship thing again in future... Or just general understanding of NTs who often don't say what they mean or mean what they say. (And they say we have communication difficulties)

Many things to say, but I just have to say that right now DS1 is doing something in the adjoining room that is causing intermittent thuds- probably jumping off the sofa onto the floor. Not even rhythmical thuds- intermittent ones 😬. I can’t count how many times I have tried to explain to him about me and noise- he is incapable of registering.

@EatSleepRantRepeat

I totally agree with PPs, I think adult mumsnetters with autism should have our own board. Autism is such a broad diagnosis already now and I really hate the term "special needs", sorry - I'm not special, my needs are because of society and the workplace being so rigid on expectations and behaviours. People with non-verbal children who have learning difficulties wouldn't get much from this thread, I don't think, and I don't want to intrude on dilute the support their spaces either.

I'm not autistic but I agree with this. My D.C. was said to have some additional needs with developmental delays- not autism but far too many people were far too ready to come up with their own armchair diagnosis based on what they found challenging regarding the way my D.C. learnt. That speaks badly of autism. Thankfully my D.C. has achieved fantastically regardless.

I fully accept people with autism might find various social situations difficult or rather not suited to them for a variety of reasons. They have strengths and weaknesses which are considered atypical in society for whatever reason. Neurotypical people have as many but society is less surprised by them and there are ready built in accommodations for what is more predictable and usual. I have my own strengths and weaknesses too. Live and let live is what I say and be as accommodating to other people as much as possible.

That would drive me crazy @crackofdoom, I really can't bear kid noise! Do they tend to understand or does it go over their head?

@EatSleepRantRepeat

Does anyone else get the horrendous ear-ringing when they're about to go into a meltdown? I get a lot of sound distortion and ringing like *@AffIt* mentioned and it gets out of control quite quickly if I'm in public.

No. I get cross. I tell the kids I am about to meltdown/in meltdown and am not cross with them but please go away in case they get accidentally annoyed at ... (Two bed flat, I sleep in the living room so don't have anywhere to go away to)

Also encouraging to read that at least two posters have a relationship with someone NT who accepts them for who they are. Still adjusting to diagnosis and often feeling unlovable... Still working through that one.

Intermittent noise is torture.

@crackofdoom

Many things to say, but I just have to say that right now DS1 is doing something in the adjoining room that is causing intermittent thuds- probably jumping off the sofa onto the floor. Not even rhythmical thuds- intermittent ones 😬. I can’t count how many times I have tried to explain to him about me and noise- he is incapable of registering.

Intermittent sounds are the worst aren't they. I have an autistic 19 year old who "sings" and plays guitar and a 7 year old and a 5 year old who fight none stop. Its so stressful and chaotic. The cacophony of noises affects my other senses too. Everything becomes too bright and even my clothes start to annoy me. My DH is good in the way that he let's me escape. I have to go for a lie down most days.

The noise thing!!

If we are watching TV and the adverts come on I can't bear the noise, sometimes they are louder then the show we were watching but often it's just that I don't 'need' that noise iykwim. I will say to DH is he has the remote to turn it done and he responds with 'it's only on 10' - it doesn't matter what number it's on, if it's loud it's loud. I tend to take the remote so I can boss the volume now!

Luckily my house is very quiet, apart from the Radio 4 Extra programmes sometimes 🤦‍♀️ but I struggle at the supermarket when they play loud music. I can't have music on in the house and we don't have a TV. We use headphones if we want to listen to something. Ds1 has left home now, but he has adhd and used to make a lot of bumping sounds due to constantly having to keep moving.

I find it difficult to follow tv programmes unless I have the subtitles on (no hearing difficulties). My family think it's a bit peculiar but tolerate it thankfully.

@hopperrock

I find it difficult to follow tv programmes unless I have the subtitles on (no hearing difficulties). My family think it's a bit peculiar but tolerate it thankfully.

Me too!! I absolutely love this thread. It's so nice to not feel odd for once.