Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

Will catch up later but had to post this to see if anyone relates...

Have morning planned like this:

-Get children ready and school and take them
-Come home, have an hour for breakfast, a coffee and a short quiet walk alone to clear head from mornings craziness

• 10am zoom meeting
• 11am telephone meeting

-12 Supermarket run and errands

DH told me, as I was going out of the door to school that he's booked the car in for an MOT this morning and I need to go straight from school to the garage to drop where he will meet me to drive home. Thus cutting into my only quiet/alone time this morning (am sat in the car currently whilst he drops the paperwork off!)

Fuming! I'll probably have twenty minutes all told, nowhere near enough time to eat,drink and fit my walk in.

Would this bother you all too??

That would really bother me @inaninstant - I can't bear doing something out of order like that and it throws out all of my concentration! And that's no way near enough time for yourself, we all deserve time to eat, drink and sort ourselves out.

A good example was the other night - DH is the better cook but I wanted to help as he was feeling poorly. I found a recipe online with the ingredients we had and started to follow the instructions. He came in to "help" and started chopping onions, heating stock etc when I didn't need them yet and leaving them all over my worktop, which is tiny. I ended up completely overwhelmed and flummoxed because I couldn't see my way through to the end and couldn't tell what had been done/ not done so I ended up handing it over to him.

So many people think they're being helpful arranging stuff for us when a lot of the time we just need to be left alone!

Stimming ... chewing on an old pillow case here. (Fewer calories than actual food)

Leg jiggling.

When it is slightly warm I can fan myself with paper as a slightly disguised stim.

Finger wiggling near eyes at home.

Anyone watched those videos of what it is like to be autistic in the world... The noisy ones? Always wondered why they didn't seem particularly more noisy than normal.🤦 There is a good one on CBBC showing what it is like for NT people.

Clothes: thermal base layer. Lost weight though and they are not as tight as normal so not as comfy.

Ds does not like socks. There used to be a pile of socks just inside the front door. He wears short sleeves to school even though they were supposed to wear long. No-one can see under the blazer.

@inaninstant

DH once casually asked my to collect an online preset at a shop in town, where is was going, and I absolutely fell apart. He couldn't understand why I needed him to tell me when he ordered it so I could prepare myself for adding it into that day!!

@lborgia

Thanks, I'll take a closer look into it I think. I like tech and it's helped me in so many other ways, so I might go for this after all.

I don't see why you shouldn't post on threads like this. It's really only people who come along to dictate to us or play autism top trumps that we find problematic.

😃

DH also does the thing where instead of simply answering a question I ask he will analyse it and try to work out what I actually want to know - drives me insane, I actually want to know the answer to my question. You don't have to turn it into anything else because I mean exactly what I say. This NT buffoon is used to speaking some odd extra language where what you ask isn't actually what you are asking - and we are the odd ones

Also lockdowns. Happy in my own space and I didn't realise how difficult I find school mornings until they were taken away. I have been doing them for 15 years and when the first school closure happened and we were not allowed to go out I honestly felt like all the pressure I had ever felt had simply fallen away. It was a magical feeling!

Does anybody else struggle with cooking? I absolutely beyond hate it. I can't describe how much it stresses me having to make a proper meal. It might be my adhd not helping as I can't deal with the boredom of food related prep. I wish I could just live on ready meals.

Ds2 wears glasses with tinted lenses in. We both find tight, bulky clothing a problem. We struggle with being over heated and regulating our temperatures. I wear light clothing even in the winter and end up getting chilled as I get too cold, but, for some reason, I can't face putting something warm on as I'm so scared I overheat.

@crackofdoom

Re stimming- I draw letters on my thumb with my forefinger, if that makes sense. I also like walking in deserted places, because there’s nothing like flapping your arms while walking- occasionally doing aeroplanes, all with a running commentary (I find some VERY deserted places to walk! 😆)

I also 'draw' letters and I 'trace' objects like the TV unit (it has 10 drawers in it which pleases me greatly as it is an even number) I also trace - when I say this it is sort of with my eyes IYSWIM my wardrobes, curtains and curtain pole. I don't even particularly understand why. Maybe it's a calming thing. Done it so long I don't really understand the purpose.

Running commentary - yes. In my head mostly but out loud at home. I don't go out much, but I sometimes go to local shop early in morning when it's not busy. I comment to myself quietly with my mask on. It makes me feel comforted. I love being able to hide behind a mask, even though I also know it makes communicating more difficult. I've also found I'm actually less likely to give try and give eye contact with masks. I just keep head down and focus on packing shopping.

Something, I am interested in, as an NT is whether any of you have had much success in facing some of the things you find difficult head on or whether you seek to manage your environment to avoid them? Could those who find noise very distracting meditate somewhere you could hear traffic, for example?

Sorry, if the question offends but I sometimes wonder whether developmentally autism involves a completely separate developmental path or whether sometimes the spikes of development are just spikier but development and refinement of skills still can continue. Obvious in a way that the challenges are deemed not too uncomfortable.

@heyhoehey

Something, I am interested in, as an NT is whether any of you have had much success in facing some of the things you find difficult head on or whether you seek to manage your environment to avoid them? Could those who find noise very distracting meditate somewhere you could hear traffic, for example?

Sorry, if the question offends but I sometimes wonder whether developmentally autism involves a completely separate developmental path or whether sometimes the spikes of development are just spikier but development and refinement of skills still can continue. Obvious in a way that the challenges are deemed not too uncomfortable.

It is possible to face these things but I pay for it later on. For example, if I HAVE to get an extremely busy train I do it and sit there silently, but later on I'll just be absolutely exhausted. When my family visit, I do what I have to do but it can take days to recover. If I keep doing the things that make me feel uncomfortable then eventually I'll will burnout altogether and that can take weeks or months to recover from. It's just not worth it.

NT buffoon
Going to use this myself. This is a typical example from me and my NT buffoon:

Me: what time are you going to be back this evening?
NTB: we've already had this conversation and I've explained why I can't go tomorrow
Me: yes that's fine, I'm just wondering what time you think you'll be back?
NTB: well it won't be soon, I haven't even left yet ha ha ha
Me: ok so what time do you reckon?
NTB: well I'm gonna leave quite soon so probably not that late
Me: WHAT TIME?
NTB: (annoyed) ffs, I'll be as quick as I can, happy now?
Me: I don't mind how long it takes, I'm not asking you to hurry, I just want to know what time you think you'll be back
NTB: ok well you don't need to worry, I'll be home before tonight
Me: I'm not worried and tonight is not a time, use a number you NT buffoon
NTB: christ on a bike, well it depends on traffic but probably between 8 and 9
Me: thank you

He gets annoyed at me asking the same question over and over again but it's because he won't bloody well answer it

Thanks for your informative reply @ofwarren. I guess you're not a proponent of the schools (forget what they call them) which attempt this kind of thing then. Was a big thing a few years ago.

@heyhoehey

Thanks for your informative reply *@ofwarren*. I guess you're not a proponent of the schools (forget what they call them) which attempt this kind of thing then. Was a big thing a few years ago.

Do you mean ABA therapy? Definitely not, it's cruel.

That's the one!

I avoid as much as possible and limit it to things I have to do.

I do a lot of planning - go through with my husband what is likely to happen. What might be said, what I should say, all that sort of stuff. And afterwards is the debrief 😁

If I can avoid it I will. I don't see the point in torturing myself for anything other than an essential task.

I get very angry in really noisy environments. When we were first married I used to not cope well with busy supermarkets. (Well, I still wouldn't but - online shopping, yay!) When they started opening 24 hours we'd go around midnight or later. It was bliss.

I'm not trying to paint my husband as a saint! There has been some shit that most people would yell ltb over! But he's never acted like I'm a burden (even when I've been harassing him asking if I am and if he secretly hates me and if I've ruined his life 😂)

He would come home from work - he worked 2 jobs at that point and take me to Tesco in the middle of the night because it was not stressful for me. I didn't drive at that point.

Until I started reading it on here I didn't realise how many NT partners seem to harbour a burning resentment against their autistic OHs so I now understand how lucky I am.

Oh, I do not mean to suggest you do, heyhoehey, I hope it didn't sound like that's what I was saying.

Hi, is it okay if I join here? I haven't a formal diagnosis of autism yet but I have been diagnosed with ADHD. My NT DH is struggling lately with a lot of my ND behaviour and really struggling with our DS(aged 4) who we suspect is also ND (struggling to get any support for this)

@TwittleBee Of course! The more the merrier ☺

Still waiting for my sons headmaster to come. He never gave an actual time which I hate. I can't do anything else until he's been.
DH is getting snippy at me because I'm on edge.

Thanks, for your reply, @IncompleteSenten.

Oh I hate that feeling @ofwarren ! That "wait mode" and being so on edge just feels impossible to explain to my DH, sorry yours is getting snappy. Hopefully the Head turns up soon

@ofwarren

Still waiting for my sons headmaster to come. He never gave an actual time which I hate. I can't do anything else until he's been. DH is getting snippy at me because I'm on edge.

Urgh I'm the same with waiting. The other day I was waiting for postal PCRs to arrive. I know when they come, with my register postman, around 11:20-11:40am but could I do a single thing until they had arrived, been done and sent away? Absolutely not. I tried to put a load of washing on but it got me so stressed out I cried and gave up.

Also I hope the NT mumsnetters who come away with 'but why does being autistic mean you can't do X/Y/Z' are reading this thread as there is a lot to be gained from it. I can't answer when put on the spot as to what autism stops me, in fact i don't even think i can now; but this thread is highlighting common difficulties and I think that is valuable. I would like others to learn from it.

Yes @elelel and hopefully they won't be "oh but we are all a bit like that at times"

@TwittleBee

Yes *@elelel* and hopefully they won't be "oh but we are all a bit like that at times"

Well, as a neurotypical, I can say we are. Not minimising your difficulties and challenges at all. However, I can say I recognise some of what people with autism have expressed in myself but the difference is that I can overcome these things. Which I can not emphasise enough! I'm not left completely drained and exhausted in the same way although difficulties and challenges are never completely pleasant. Sometimes I do find being tolerant and resilient frightening though. I worry what else I might be letting myself in for!