Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

I find it really hard because mine wants to hang out and chat and if we go shopping to a centre wants to walk round with me and I just want to go do my thing and then join him later. Phew. Got that off my chest. Also, I holding hands because I feel trapped.

I'm also grateful for finding some diagnosed people rather than self-dx'd based on a listicle from the Internet. All inclusive, fine and dandy until we dx'd people have our psych healthcare insurance withdrawn because they don't support anyone with an autism dx like mine, or we're having the non-cool parts like crying and shaking in the supermarket because of the overload.... the listicle people don't like hearing that.

I’ll join this please! Diagnosed with autism and ADHD a couple of years back after two of my children were diagnosed. DH is NT, luckily very understanding and patient with us all but still does things that he says are perfectly normal but drive me insane!

I’m an autistic woman marrying an extremely neurotypical man in just over a month. He’s my absolute hero and I adore him- he was the first ever person I told about my diagnosis and he does SO much for me; more than half the house chores when I’m too tired, A LOT of explaining and analysing social interactions too me, putting me under my weighted blanket and dropping everything to try and fix it.

It helps that also he is extremely neurotypical (excellent interpersonal skills, very analytical and insightful with people) he is also pretty introverted, probably more so than me and his preference for a quiet life is very significant in helping me manage my condition- he has taught me to slow down a bit, rest when I need to etc.

Generally I would say our relationship is very successful- we learnt very early on that we just need to have ongoing conversation about EVERYTHING. We both have to start by explaining our perspective on a scenario rather than assuming the other has the same understanding of it etc.

At the moment the struggle is transitions. To get out of bed is just monumentous for me from a sensory perspective and if he gets up and leaves me there it could be hours before I get myself up and out. Same with leaving the house- if he’s not going out that day and is hanging out in his comfies, I will do the same, even if I want and need to go out, because the transition is too hard without support. At the moment we’re working on understanding how our behaviour impacts the other and trying to work out how he can help me here without it being too onerous on him as he does enough!

I'm waiting for a diagnosis but have a clinical background with autism so I'm quite certain of the outcome (one of the reasons I've left it so long to be diagnosed)

My lovely dp (undx likely ASD traits) would like this thread! He can’t understand why I think it’s ok to stand close to him when he’s trying to do things in the kitchen. Also he’s when I try to crowd him by sitting next to him on the sofa. Also he finds the kids SO loud.

I likely have adhd so I’m not NT but I don’t have any ASD traits.

Our dc is awaiting dx for both ASD and ADHD.

We laugh a lot me and dp about our different asd and adhd brains

Dp and I are both considering adult dx

@MissHavershamReturns

We laugh a lot me and dp about our different asd and adhd brains

THIS also. I laugh now more than I ever have in my life and also allow myself to be laughed at.

I’m terrible at actually understanding what’s supposed to be funny so my fiance will often use this to play games with me and then we will fall about laughing. We also laugh a lot at things he claims was him making a joke and my reaction is to look at him just like “what an odd thing to say”. We regularly playfully bicker about whether something is funny if the only person who heard it doesn’t think it’s funny (clearly not!).

I am autistic and have ADHD too!

I’m place marking - I hope that’s ok. I have had a hard day and I feel like I read the words, but don’t actually absorb their meaning. Like a mental block / online mutism

Anyway, speak soon xx

My brain isn’t really working tonight but I’m sure I’ll be able to think of all the ways dh annoys me tomorrow.

I was 24 when I was diagnosed.

I am married to a guy who is autistic. He doesn't know that I think he is ...but he ticks every box .So this thread is really helpful for me to try and understand how his brain works. X

I'd like to join if that's ok, just beginning the process of diagnosis but everything I have found out so far suggests ASD. I have many of the same aargh moments as PPs, especially music on when we are trying to have a conversation. DH is very helpful generally but he doesn't like silence unfortunately!
My biggest issue at the moment is that I suspect he doesn't want me to be diagnosed ASD. Every time we discuss it and I give a few reasons, he says but loads of people have to have subtitles on / can't talk to people etc etc. And those questions are rubbish (the Baron Cohen AQ test). And what's the point anyway
So I'm a bit concerned that he might be interviewed as part of the diagnostic process and will just play it all down and make me look like an idiot who is pretending to be autistic

That's quite common @hopperrock - they interview your parents too but my mum was so unsupportive that I chose another family member. A lot of "yes, but..." answers because she doesn't support anything that "just gives people labels", even if I finally can access the support I need to keep me in long-term employment

Hi, I am autistic but don’t really belong on this thread because my DH is also autistic (both diagnosed). I just want to say that after some of the posts I see on here re autism, I am pleased to see this thread. I hope MN don’t remove it as there is a genuine need for this thread. It is so hard to navigate the NT world and I have struggled in previous relationships where our communication styles/ understanding was so different

I know @beefsupreme - unfortunately "the other thread" is going to get mixed up with this one somewhat, but it does show what I meant earlier about diagnosis status. The more this happens, the more support will be eroded in the workplace for people with a dx - I already get asked "X can do this fine and they think they're autistic, so why can't you?"...

@user1471548941

I’m an autistic woman marrying an extremely neurotypical man in just over a month. He’s my absolute hero and I adore him- he was the first ever person I told about my diagnosis and he does SO much for me; more than half the house chores when I’m too tired, A LOT of explaining and analysing social interactions too me, putting me under my weighted blanket and dropping everything to try and fix it.

It helps that also he is extremely neurotypical (excellent interpersonal skills, very analytical and insightful with people) he is also pretty introverted, probably more so than me and his preference for a quiet life is very significant in helping me manage my condition- he has taught me to slow down a bit, rest when I need to etc.

Generally I would say our relationship is very successful- we learnt very early on that we just need to have ongoing conversation about EVERYTHING. We both have to start by explaining our perspective on a scenario rather than assuming the other has the same understanding of it etc.

At the moment the struggle is transitions. To get out of bed is just monumentous for me from a sensory perspective and if he gets up and leaves me there it could be hours before I get myself up and out. Same with leaving the house- if he’s not going out that day and is hanging out in his comfies, I will do the same, even if I want and need to go out, because the transition is too hard without support. At the moment we’re working on understanding how our behaviour impacts the other and trying to work out how he can help me here without it being too onerous on him as he does enough!

I have one of these! I call him my emotional support human.

He is a truly excellent person, and fortunately, he thinks the same of me.

Thanks EatSleep that's good to know. Hopefully he won't throw things off course. I had already written off my parents as they're in their 80s and can't remember anything about my childhood apparently
My mum would be exactly the same and probably most concerned about whether her sisters and "people in the village" would say.

(I agree that this thread is a great idea - one of the reasons I am seeking diagnosis is to find other people in the same position and compare experiences.)

I had a really good teaching moment with my NT OH the other day - he's a big Marvel fan and was watching Hawkeye.

There was a scene in which Hawkeye lost his hearing aids and was in a crowd of people talking, and it sounded like people were speaking underwater.

I was able to say "This! This is what executive processing disorder sounds feels like and this is what I experience when I'm in a crowded environment!"

Thank you, Disney+.

Please try not to worry @hopperrock - if you get an experienced psychotherapist doing your assessment, they have seen so many different family setups. I spoke to mine when I was worried and she said she deals with unsupportive relatives, and also relatives who are pushing too hard for a diagnosis when there was no clinical evidence for one. She actually flagged that I had signs of being autistic when I was seeing her for another issue and offered me an assessment - and I was so anxious about being seen as a label-seeker! When I told her that she laughed and said she could always tell when someone was just looking for a label, it's a complex process to go through on the therapist's side too. If you get the opportunity and can afford it/it's covered by your healthcare provider, go for it - I've had a lot of support and adjustments that I never knew existed until now.

Does anyone else get the horrendous ear-ringing when they're about to go into a meltdown? I get a lot of sound distortion and ringing like @AffIt mentioned and it gets out of control quite quickly if I'm in public.