Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

I don't understand that one - why did you throw the whole plate away?

(Sorry, not meaning to sound judgmental, just curious)

@Vanishun I can't stand people touching my food. I never have. I have many food related issues. I can eat at a restaurant for example if I can't see them cooking/preparing it but could never watch someone prepare my food then eat it after. Which is stupid I know.
I do not and have never shared food and drink.
My mum used to put my food on a separate surface in the kitchen so it wasn't near my families plates.
If someone touches my food it freaks me out and I feel sick so can't eat anything on that plate after.

@Vanishun it actually extends beyond food yo be honest. I don't like people touching my things. I'm generous and if someone want to say borrow or use something of mine il let them as I want to be kind and make others happy but deep down it will be niggling at me that they are touching my belongings. I have a certain way of keeping my things and I don't like that disturbed. I see how hard that is to live with. I have had to get used to it living in a family home and can sometimes tolerate it now. My dh is very aware and mindful not to move my things or open my draws unless invited. Sounds dramatic but it actually brings me to feel a bit sick if something is moved or touched. I'm crazy hehe.
Anyway don't want to derail the thread when its about living with nt partners.

Sorry folks.

Another one seconding the point about depersonalisation / chameleon behaviour, can totally relate to that.

Just nipped in to say that there is already a sub forum! It's called 'Mumsnetters with SEN' and it's under the SEN topic.

Eye contact is uncomfortable and I never know if I'm doing it too much or doing it right.

YES! I am much better at eye contact these days but have a constant commentary in my head, "you're doing it too much now, it's too intense, look away, no that's too far, why are you looking over there, they'll think you're weird, just pick an eye, don't flick from one to the other all the time like that, they'll think you're weird" etc etc

I’d like to join, please! I’ve suspected I was autistic for years and then last year I was diagnosed with autism, ADHD, dyslexia and dyspraxia, so a lot to get my head around.

DH 100% has ADHD too but he struggles with a lot my autistic traits and it can be so difficult (for both of us). It’s nice to find other people who get it.

@SignOnTheWindow

Just nipped in to say that there is already a sub forum! It's called 'Mumsnetters with SEN' and it's under the SEN topic.

Thank you for this, though I'm not sure I personally feel happy flying that flag. Am I right in thinking that stands for Special Educational Needs? That's not me at all. I'm not in education and my needs aren't 'special'. That's such a neurotypical box to put us in.

I don't do eye contact - I mean I don't make a conscious effort to and go over things in my head.

Years ago I worked with s woman who has horrendous false teeth but only on one half of the upper, so the difference was obvious. I remember every time I spoke to her o was telling myself not to look at her teeth and I wouldn't understand what I was so drawn to them. Turns out I wasn't drawn to her teeth as such but I always look at peoples mouths when they are speaking - covid had to happens for me to understand I do that though, i need to be able to lip read to a certain extent as it helps me process. Without that I found me saying 'I can't hear you, sorry' many times to masked faces.

i need to be able to lip read to a certain extent as it helps me process. Without that I found me saying 'I can't hear you, sorry' many times to masked faces.

Same. I hadn’t realised I was relying on that until I suddenly couldn’t do it.

[quote Arren12]@Vanishun it actually extends beyond food yo be honest. I don't like people touching my things. I'm generous and if someone want to say borrow or use something of mine il let them as I want to be kind and make others happy but deep down it will be niggling at me that they are touching my belongings. I have a certain way of keeping my things and I don't like that disturbed. I see how hard that is to live with. I have had to get used to it living in a family home and can sometimes tolerate it now. My dh is very aware and mindful not to move my things or open my draws unless invited. Sounds dramatic but it actually brings me to feel a bit sick if something is moved or touched. I'm crazy hehe.
Anyway don't want to derail the thread when its about living with nt partners.

Sorry folks.[/quote]
I completely relate to this.

I am now widowed but my sainted DH eventually accepted the concept that what was his was ours but what was mine was mine! I do share things sometimes but I don't feel comfortable with it and get the things back as soon as possible.

I also struggled with DHs long answers to my simple questions and I still get very frustrated with my DMs inane conversations about things I am not interested in. I try not to be rude with strangers but with family I am afraid I am very blunt. Luckily my DCs seem to know how to communicate with me much better than others and are more forgiving and understanding. My DS is diagnosed autistic anyway and my DD works in SEN field which helps.

Working as a professional was hard. I enjoyed the work but found it difficult dealing with people and was probably a dreadful manager. Somebody once called me out on my high expectations of others and that has made me make more effort to be more tolerant but inwardly it is a continuous battle not to constantly correct people.

It is interesting to read about everyone else's struggles so thanks for the thread.

@SignOnTheWindow

Just nipped in to say that there is already a sub forum! It's called 'Mumsnetters with SEN' and it's under the SEN topic.

That's great, but @MNHQ could it be renamed? That's pretty infantilising.

I don't have Special Educational Needs. I haven't been in education since 2001, because I am a grown adult.

@bobbythevet ha, I just thought exactly the same thing! Tagged MN HQ so hopefully they will see.

@Vanishun

Just saying hello and I like this thread. I'm autistic and "other" thread has made me feel small, pathetic and pained for years, I try to hide them whenever I see them - they consistently make me feel like something disgusting on someone's shoe.

I know. It hurt me a lot. I bugged my husband for AGES! am I a burden? Do I annoy him? Is being with me horrible? Do I make his life miserable? Etc etc. He keeps reassuring me that he doesn't feel that way but part of me can't believe him and I now keep apologising all the time and it's horrible.

I’ve already emailed MNHQ about that - I did put it on the thread earlier.

Yes, mners with Sen is really not the right fit imo

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation. Re scan and shop try tescos. Don't get any emails from them. Just make sure you tick (or don't tick as required) any boxes about marketing and should be fine. Don't know how I coped without it.

@Zwellers I can't go to Tesco because of the loud music, but Sainsburys have a scan and shop thing so I could ask there 😃

Oh my god yes gullibility!
Not so much now. I've gone too far the other way and my default is 'nope'. I just don't believe anyone about anything. I need to check everything.

Not only did I believe so much bullshit but I would repeat it to others and I look back now and think they must have thought I was a total fantasist!

Does the Tesco near you have a quiet hour? I do online shopping but I read they were going to make their quiet hours a permanent fixture.

Does the Tesco near you have a quiet hour? I do online shopping but I read they were going to make their quiet hours a permanent fixture.

Only for one hour, once a week and that won't work for me.

MNHQ are already looking at the whole SN section, it's called SN not SEN and one topic it's been suggested is used for this thread is

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnetters_with_sn

This thread's current and relevant
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/4309632-ADHD-ASD-board?pg=1

so is this one
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/4444184-Autism-and-MNHQ-moderation?pg=1

If anyone knows of any others, please post a link because half the time people who would be interested in contributing to a discussion on a thread for adults with neurodiversity and associated topics don't know the discussion's taking place.

I really relate to the mask question.

When I was a teen I had a lot of problems and I used to try to describe to people how I felt and I remember saying things like people look like cardboard cutouts, and I feel like I'm wearing a mask and if I took it off there would be nothing behind it.

I felt so frustrated that I could never get people to understand.

Thanks for the links.
We do need our own board.