Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

Sorry I've not been around, I'm currently home schooling two kids as my CEV child and his brother are back shielding due to covid. It's rife here, along with chicken pox which can also hospitalise him.
I hope everyone who is having a rough time manages to have a better day today.

I see people writing about their jobs. I'm one of those autistic people who struggles to be employed. The longest I've worked is 2 years before I had kids and then burnt out. Now I have kids, I couldn't do more than a few weeks without it being too much.
I'd probably be better working for myself but I don't have any skills.
I attempted University twice but left both times as I couldn't cope with the group sessions we did. I would literally be crying with the sound of everyone talking and then being expected to think and produce work .
As I've got older, my ability to cope has lessened hugely. It was easier when I only had me to think about. Juggling a house, 3 kids, 5 cats and a husband doesn't leave me much mental space for anything else at all.

@LilyRed thanks and un hugs and un handhold back. I'm about 6 weeks away from being officially in menopause so I'm just getting to grips with saying No to people. Rather enjoying it.

Also love subtitles on telly. In fact I'm currently watching After Life with them on. Ricky Gervais' character makes me feel less of a saddo.

@ofwarren that sounds so tough

I've had to give up work now. And I know what you mean about it being no head space left once kids and pets.

I know what you mean @ofwarren, I actually feel like I had fewer issues as a kid than I do now. I doubted myself all the way through the diagnostic process because I couldn't tell what could have been meltdowns vs a difficult and draconian relationship with my mother, who has her own severe mental issues. The last few years has cemented it though because I've been struggling so much.

I found it easy getting a job at interview but keeping them was hard, I had phases of being turfed out at the soonest opportunity. I finally found a job I love in a very male team environment and working from home and it suits me down to the ground. If I had to leave this one I'd have to stay at home too, I can't face going through all that again. I think so many of us struggle with jobs that we could do standing on our heads if it wasn't for the people and working environment!

Yep. Don't think I will work again.

I am going through the menopause for the second time. (13 months between periods meant urgent investigations) so recounting again.

Thanks to whoever posted about the list of can do and can't do. I am running out of "spoons" as they say. (Literally as well as metaphorically) and dropping stuff off the list would be a good idea.

Hello everyone! My DH is most likely autistic too, but the relationship I struggle with the most is with my NT sister. It's fine if I don't try to pin her down to anything, but she can be so flakey and blames everything on everyone else while also claiming to be super reliable and that she is super organised/has amazing people skills etc- for example, if I ask her about dates for a shared hobby, and mention it more than once, she feels pressured, if I make a suggestion to her about something she appears to have asked advice on, I am trying to parent her and she was only ranting, if she talks badly about a friend and I call her up on it, apparently I am taking their side. And so many other things, which I find it hard to put into words without rambling about specifics. Its exhausting. The ridiculous thing is that other than this she is lovely and we get on really well- we support each other, we have shared interests that we both talk about together, etc. But there's just this barrier to communication and I think that part of it is that she is used to me being a yes person, but since being diagnosed about 3 and a bit years ago I've slowly stopped masking and being a chameleon, and instead saying more what I think and being open about how things make me feel. Does anyone else find that in general NT's seem to have a lot of blind spots? And kind of believe their own hype in a way?

There is so much that I relate to on this thread. I am autistic, and waiting for assessment for ADHD too at the moment. 3 kids, 1 diagnosed, 2 waiting for assessment. ofwarren I can completely relate to coping before kids, but now having no room in my head for anything else- personally I found lockdown and being isolated from everyone helpful, as it allowed me to have space to reflect on and heal from burnout that I had experienced over the last 5 or so years. Unfortuately now 'normal life' has returned, I'm back to being mostly overwhelmed.

@AutisticLegoLover

Here's hoping everyone has a better day. I was thinking of dates after looking at Facebook memories and remembered getting into trouble on Facebook being pedantic about what classes as a baby being x number of months old. Lots of people classed a month as 4 weeks but my baby could only make a month milestone if it was the say 5th of the month because months have different lengths so it has to be a calendar month. I got so upset because they were taking the piss and criticising but my brain just couldn't handle the lack of preciseness. Can anyone relate to this?

Oh yes! Absolutely.

Yes. Not necessarily the same things but sometimes the brain refuses to compute...

@DinosaurOfFire My husband can be a bit like that. He thinks he's never wrong and he makes me really angry when he says to me, "there is no point in explaining it because you won't understand". I find it patronising and also offensive as he is obviously saying that I don't 'get' things in the same way he does because of autism.

[quote ofwarren]@DinosaurOfFire My husband can be a bit like that. He thinks he's never wrong and he makes me really angry when he says to me, "there is no point in explaining it because you won't understand". I find it patronising and also offensive as he is obviously saying that I don't 'get' things in the same way he does because of autism. [/quote]

Urgh. Mine did this year when I was busy cleaning the bathroom. For some reason he decided to 'help' - I said to him, several times, it's fine, I don't need help, please just let me do this etc etc. Of course he continued to 'help' until I got upset and left. Then he left. Then i couldn't go back to the job because he had interrupted and changed the way I was doing it. He also didn't go back to the job and decided to argue with ME because he was only trying to help

Just fucking listen. The biggest help you can ever give is to listen to what I say. If I tell you 6 times I am ok on my own and don't want help then just fuck off

However today is going to be a better day. Im going out

I'll read properly later but I'm in my element today at work sorting out glasses into sets. It's very therapeutic.

Following a previous comment, I asked my husband to lie on me this morning with all his weight. It felt lovely when he was doing it (once he stopped putting some weight on his arms) but it felt just so amazing afterwards - a real feeling of peace filled me up and all was smooth and no spikiness.

@AspersionsNasturiums

Following a previous comment, I asked my husband to lie on me this morning with all his weight. It felt lovely when he was doing it (once he stopped putting some weight on his arms) but it felt just so amazing afterwards - a real feeling of peace filled me up and all was smooth and no spikiness.

I am going to try this! Need it after a trip to the supermarket this morning 😖

Following.

@AutisticLegoLover

Here's hoping everyone has a better day. I was thinking of dates after looking at Facebook memories and remembered getting into trouble on Facebook being pedantic about what classes as a baby being x number of months old. Lots of people classed a month as 4 weeks but my baby could only make a month milestone if it was the say 5th of the month because months have different lengths so it has to be a calendar month. I got so upset because they were taking the piss and criticising but my brain just couldn't handle the lack of preciseness. Can anyone relate to this?

Oh yes. Completely. Makes me twitch inwardly.

I also have to really grit and brace for social “white lies”. I know they’re necessary. I know they oil things along. Do not like hearing people say things that aren’t true, though, on some deep level. I love the film “The invention of lying”. Hilarious but relatable.

Does anyone else here have pasttimes that are seen as childish or do you dress in a way that's much 'younger' than you are?
I wear colourful clothing and enjoy Disney films and music.

No but I prefer children's fiction.

@BlackeyedSusan

No but I prefer children's fiction.

So do I!

@ofwarren

Does anyone else here have pasttimes that are seen as childish or do you dress in a way that's much 'younger' than you are? I wear colourful clothing and enjoy Disney films and music.

I think I'm stuck in the 14-20 age bracket. Not so much with clothes; I try so hard to 'fit' with how I dress because I'm so fat (22-24) that's another issue altogether though! I watch a lot of teen shows, coming of age stuff. I listen to music from that era of my life and while I can't go and listen to older stuff I can't seem to ever move forward with music. It's as though I'm just stuck there. I will buy merchandise of things from that time in my life as well, not necessarily old a lot of retro things are popular. I loved Care Bears when I was younger and they were selling biggish bears a couple of years back in Tesco so I bought every kind they had. That kind of stupid thing. If I was to play video games with DS I would get him to put on the original sonic, Tetris or Alex the kid. I can't play new things. Fortunately DS is a serious gamer and has a vast collection of vintage stuff.

@ofwarren oh hell yes, DP says that "there is no point in explaining it because you won't understand" - makes me v.v. cross and I tell him exactly what I think (of him sometimes!).

To the menopausal women here, I found that I started to get very angry when the menopause started in earnest, so I learnt to use the anger instead of having a breakdown (I did that a fair few times before it all fell into place!)

@AutisticLegoLover sorting glasses sounds heavenly ... sorting anything really (except washing!)

@RainbowZebraWarrior - I hope your day is better today - I just wanted to say I also use subtitles, television, youtube, music, everything

@elelel oh wow, you have described exactly how it is for me too. I also feel stuck somehow. I wonder why? Is it autism that does that or something else?
I do sometimes wonder if it's some kind of defence mechanism or your brain not moving past a time when you felt safe/happy type thing.

I watch a lot of teen shows, coming of age stuff.

Oh yes - I don't watch that much tv now but loved Dawson's Creek, Heartbreak High, Secret Life of Us when I was probably mid 30s

@BlackeyedSusan

No but I prefer children's fiction.

I've been obsessed with Enid Blyton and Famous Five books for decades. And I still keep scrapbooks

[quote LilyRed]@RainbowZebraWarrior - I hope your day is better today - I just wanted to say I also use subtitles, television, youtube, music, everything[/quote]
Thank you so much. Hope your day was better today too Lily Means so much that you tagged me. So nice that we feel comfort in the same things